UnforgettableLemon
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Colleen and I started seeing each other last summer. She and I had been working together at the Writing Center at school, and had had a Shakespeare class together. We're both a bit geeky, so there was always a lot to talk about, and we had a generally good time. Alas, the fall came and she went to do her semester abroad in Japan.
We stayed in touch. I was doing my thing here with school, had a great semester, and heard from her often. She was having fun in Japan, learning a lot about herself in the process. When she returned, everything seemed to be okay.
We spent a lot of time together in the first week, going to a movie, hanging around my dorm, but then ultimately we ended up at her house in the middle of the morning. Her roomates were drunk and dancing, and she tried to get me to dance a bit. I couldn't really handle it, so I left soon. And thus my neurosis revealed itself.
I try too hard. I get worried that every little thing I do has some sort of greater implication and will by scrutinized endlessly by other parties. I thought that my reaction at the party was going to totally change her perspective of me, which was just stupid. We decided not to crowd each other so much, but that just made me more affectionate when we were together.
I always do little things, random candy, cards, etc. Colleen had never really been in a real relationship before, and was very hesitant about commitment. So I was always worried that the things I did would freak her out, even though there were genuine, sweet, and thoughtful. She never let on that they did, even though she rarely returned any of the sweetness.
Then after she'd been back a month, I dropped the bomb. I told her that I loved her, and she freaked out. Understandably. The weekend was long after that, but by the end of it, she and I had decided that things would be fine. I loved her, she was cool with that--it would just take her longer to come around, she said. The following week or so was much more affectionate on her part than had been in the past, but that soon gave way to the same sort of indifferent behavior that had become our trademark.
We went out for Valentine's Day, and I went all out. She said the letter I wrote her made her cry, but in a good way. She baked me cookies, and all was good. She bought me a little cake for my birthday, came over and spent the afternoon. All was good.
Then Spring break happened. She barely returned my emails, we didn't talk on the phone, and when we got back, I knew something was bothering her. When I asked her what, she told me it was nothing. This happened again. And again. And again for quite a while. I hoped she'd eventually open up, or that it really was nothing. It was something, but that will come up later
By April, we'd worked together on several theatre programs, and started spending a lot more time together. She finally seemed to be opening up. Though I was still the initiator in a lot of ways, she had begun asking me to do things with her more often, and I felt really appreciated. Our physical relationship reached a peak... and that was last weekend.
Now we come to this weekend. Friday night was the May Day dance. It was a last minute idea, I didn't realize it was there until a week beforehand. She and I went out to dinner, and that was great, the dance was fine for an hour (she did tell me that I'm a really bad dancer, but I knew that). Then she started getting sort of weird. She said it was just boredom, but I don't do well in crowds, and when her attention shifted, I panicked. I asked her if she wanted to come back to my room for a bit, and she wanted to go back to the house with the girls. I'm in the full throes of my social anxiety, and get a little disappointed. I don't tell her htis, I just nod. On the way out, she takes me aside and asks what's wrong. I lose it. I start crying.
We sat for about an hour, me talking about how I don't do well with dances, and how so many things were worrying me about life, and how happy she had made me. Then I started asking her about her feelings. We'd been seeing each other for 9 months, and she still wasn't comfortable with discussing her feelings. We walked home in the rain, she kissed me goodnight, and said not to worry. I freaked out after I got back and wrote her an email apologizing. We didn't talk the next day except for a few minutes on AIM, which seemed to clear up the ordeal. It was bad, but I didn't think it would be the end of our relationship.
Turns out there was some drama over in the international house, and she had to deal with that along with my stuff. Today at the school carnival, I sat by myself eating so as not to put any immediate pressure on her. I was at this point convinced that things were okay. She sees me, waves, then gets up and stands where I can't see her face. She's leaning with her head on her sister's shoulder, crying. Eventually everyone else leaves, and I head over to see how she is.
"Not to be rude, but I can't talk to you until you talk to someone else."
So she said she'd be over around 9:30, and that it had to be face-to-face. I knew that this was it. I was hoping it would just be a break, because I knew space would be good for us. The first words out of her mouth were, "I can't do this anymore."
Basically, the relationship had been rather one-sided all along, and she was feeling really unsure about things for some time. One, of course, was that I was too affectionate. Which was true. I suggested that I could work on it, and she said it would be unfair to both of us. The other reason was that her heart belonged to someone else. A friend back home. That hurt. I asked how long, and she said it'd been a while. I made the connections to the awkward return from Spring Break, and asked her if that had been the problem all along. She said yes. She was afraid to tell me because it always seemed to happen when I was really down. That kind of bugged me, because she told me that she wouldn't let either of the things that had ruined my past relationships happened; 1) letting things go on longer than is healthy, unsure of what to do. Sparing my feelings early on leads to long long long periods of difficulty later. and 2)fear of emotion. I wanted to help her through that.
Ultimately, she's said she's not even sure if we can be friends. She said we were growing together physically, but not emotionally. I want to be a part of her life down the road, even if I can't be with her (she said this was pretty much a no overall). She couldn't return my feelings or be what I needed her to be. And I accept that. It's just a lot to deal with. Everyone saw it coming as far back as january, myself included. I tried to make it work, I tried very hard. But I should have accepted it when she showed no interest in my interests. I should have accepted it when she didn't respond to my attempts at affection. I should have accepted it when after months and months together she still couldn't begin to discuss emotions.
I think I'm done crying. I was done before she came in tonight. This was, by no means, the best relationship I've been in. But it was the longest. And I've never loved anyone else so much or wanted something to work so bad. I won't lie to myself next time, and I hope the next girl is more honest with me, too.
We stayed in touch. I was doing my thing here with school, had a great semester, and heard from her often. She was having fun in Japan, learning a lot about herself in the process. When she returned, everything seemed to be okay.
We spent a lot of time together in the first week, going to a movie, hanging around my dorm, but then ultimately we ended up at her house in the middle of the morning. Her roomates were drunk and dancing, and she tried to get me to dance a bit. I couldn't really handle it, so I left soon. And thus my neurosis revealed itself.
I try too hard. I get worried that every little thing I do has some sort of greater implication and will by scrutinized endlessly by other parties. I thought that my reaction at the party was going to totally change her perspective of me, which was just stupid. We decided not to crowd each other so much, but that just made me more affectionate when we were together.
I always do little things, random candy, cards, etc. Colleen had never really been in a real relationship before, and was very hesitant about commitment. So I was always worried that the things I did would freak her out, even though there were genuine, sweet, and thoughtful. She never let on that they did, even though she rarely returned any of the sweetness.
Then after she'd been back a month, I dropped the bomb. I told her that I loved her, and she freaked out. Understandably. The weekend was long after that, but by the end of it, she and I had decided that things would be fine. I loved her, she was cool with that--it would just take her longer to come around, she said. The following week or so was much more affectionate on her part than had been in the past, but that soon gave way to the same sort of indifferent behavior that had become our trademark.
We went out for Valentine's Day, and I went all out. She said the letter I wrote her made her cry, but in a good way. She baked me cookies, and all was good. She bought me a little cake for my birthday, came over and spent the afternoon. All was good.
Then Spring break happened. She barely returned my emails, we didn't talk on the phone, and when we got back, I knew something was bothering her. When I asked her what, she told me it was nothing. This happened again. And again. And again for quite a while. I hoped she'd eventually open up, or that it really was nothing. It was something, but that will come up later
By April, we'd worked together on several theatre programs, and started spending a lot more time together. She finally seemed to be opening up. Though I was still the initiator in a lot of ways, she had begun asking me to do things with her more often, and I felt really appreciated. Our physical relationship reached a peak... and that was last weekend.
Now we come to this weekend. Friday night was the May Day dance. It was a last minute idea, I didn't realize it was there until a week beforehand. She and I went out to dinner, and that was great, the dance was fine for an hour (she did tell me that I'm a really bad dancer, but I knew that). Then she started getting sort of weird. She said it was just boredom, but I don't do well in crowds, and when her attention shifted, I panicked. I asked her if she wanted to come back to my room for a bit, and she wanted to go back to the house with the girls. I'm in the full throes of my social anxiety, and get a little disappointed. I don't tell her htis, I just nod. On the way out, she takes me aside and asks what's wrong. I lose it. I start crying.
We sat for about an hour, me talking about how I don't do well with dances, and how so many things were worrying me about life, and how happy she had made me. Then I started asking her about her feelings. We'd been seeing each other for 9 months, and she still wasn't comfortable with discussing her feelings. We walked home in the rain, she kissed me goodnight, and said not to worry. I freaked out after I got back and wrote her an email apologizing. We didn't talk the next day except for a few minutes on AIM, which seemed to clear up the ordeal. It was bad, but I didn't think it would be the end of our relationship.
Turns out there was some drama over in the international house, and she had to deal with that along with my stuff. Today at the school carnival, I sat by myself eating so as not to put any immediate pressure on her. I was at this point convinced that things were okay. She sees me, waves, then gets up and stands where I can't see her face. She's leaning with her head on her sister's shoulder, crying. Eventually everyone else leaves, and I head over to see how she is.
"Not to be rude, but I can't talk to you until you talk to someone else."
So she said she'd be over around 9:30, and that it had to be face-to-face. I knew that this was it. I was hoping it would just be a break, because I knew space would be good for us. The first words out of her mouth were, "I can't do this anymore."
Basically, the relationship had been rather one-sided all along, and she was feeling really unsure about things for some time. One, of course, was that I was too affectionate. Which was true. I suggested that I could work on it, and she said it would be unfair to both of us. The other reason was that her heart belonged to someone else. A friend back home. That hurt. I asked how long, and she said it'd been a while. I made the connections to the awkward return from Spring Break, and asked her if that had been the problem all along. She said yes. She was afraid to tell me because it always seemed to happen when I was really down. That kind of bugged me, because she told me that she wouldn't let either of the things that had ruined my past relationships happened; 1) letting things go on longer than is healthy, unsure of what to do. Sparing my feelings early on leads to long long long periods of difficulty later. and 2)fear of emotion. I wanted to help her through that.
Ultimately, she's said she's not even sure if we can be friends. She said we were growing together physically, but not emotionally. I want to be a part of her life down the road, even if I can't be with her (she said this was pretty much a no overall). She couldn't return my feelings or be what I needed her to be. And I accept that. It's just a lot to deal with. Everyone saw it coming as far back as january, myself included. I tried to make it work, I tried very hard. But I should have accepted it when she showed no interest in my interests. I should have accepted it when she didn't respond to my attempts at affection. I should have accepted it when after months and months together she still couldn't begin to discuss emotions.
I think I'm done crying. I was done before she came in tonight. This was, by no means, the best relationship I've been in. But it was the longest. And I've never loved anyone else so much or wanted something to work so bad. I won't lie to myself next time, and I hope the next girl is more honest with me, too.
