an assortment of thoughts + "a new hope..."

[For Honor]

I have mixed feelings.

I'm more callous than most - that is, I was kind of upset with how people were acting. It's not a time for crying, it's time to show your character, your backbone......

But then, I guess I can't blame them.

The real fault lies in the leadership - local, town, city, state, federal, national, all levels of leadership. They have not turned in a good perfomance so far.

You know it is always a bad thing when people look around, not knowing what to do.

 

[lady luck]

You know, Ilive in a fregile country. We have a lot of "little disasters" almost every year (little floods, earthquakes...), but in some ways and for some mysterious reason, we seem able to react and keep the situation under control
I never heard of people firing on who comes to help (also becuase not a lot of people have weapons here) and histeria doesn't come out so often. of course, you can see panic and fear, but I cannot think about getting completely mad in a time when both you and your neighbours are in a difficult situation...

 

[lady luck]

Why have you already changed your signature??

I loved the one you had before!

BTW, do you have a sort of "archieve" where you keep the signatures you don't use anymore?

 

[For Honor]

You know, Ilive in a fregile country. We have a lot of "little disasters" almost every year (little floods, earthquakes...), but in some ways and for some mysterious reason, we seem able to react and keep the situation under control
I never heard of people firing on who comes to help (also becuase not a lot of people have weapons here) and histeria doesn't come out so often. of course, you can see panic and fear, but I cannot think about getting completely mad in a time when both you and your neighbours are in a difficult situation...

......

I think Americans are weak, and spoiled.

"American's can't eat bitter" - not just food, but in life. We can't stand movies without a happy ending, we can't stand it when things aren't supper happy. And it is sort of living in a fantasy world.

I really don't get why people are so bent out of shape.

It's not an evil hurricane, it's just the course of life, that is how it goes. Everyone dies sometime, and I know that's harsh, but that's the truth. Not everyone is going to live to be 80. It has never been that way. Can you imagine if we all did? The world would be terribly overpopulated, not to mention other things...


So yeah, it is a huge, historic event that I will remember.
But it is not something to .... cry about, or shoot people about. I don't like that sort of ....... weakness in people.

But I seem to be a little bitter about this, so don't mind me.




However, I agree. In places like your Italy, I'm sure people would act differently. I respect that...

 

[For Honor]

Why have you already changed your signature??

I loved the one you had before!

BTW, do you have a sort of "archieve" where you keep the signatures you don't use anymore?

Oh, don't worry.......

I will bring it back in a few days. That is my prized signature, because it represents a lot of what I believe in for myself.....



however...


"NOT ACCEPTABLE" is mr Bush's remark about the "relief" efforts in New Orleans.


It certainly is not acceptable in my eyes.
But not everyone is to blame - federal government, state government, local government, town government, all the way down to the very people.


not acceptable

 

[For Honor]

Seeing the TV shows today, like Meet the Press, and other shows talking about Katrina....


It's exactly how I felt - that something is wrong with the leadership...... on all levels. Not acceptable..........

 

[lady luck]

I don't know how a city in Italy would react to such a catastrophe...

My people are not that strong, but at least we try not to destroy things that are already damaged...

I don't know... the images on TV just made me sad...

And you know, looking back it seems always too easy to say that the things could have been rearranged in a better way...


let me see if you can bring me luck again: I don't have news from Vladimir since a week ago...

 

[For Honor]

Heh..... if it were that easy.........




I don't rely on luck too much. It's more or less a temporary thing, and fleeting things don't hold well on me. (now, that is a play on words, if I do say so myself)

What I meant was, I don't like temporary things, things that don't last.



I hope you do have some luck, Lady Luck, but something tells me you don't really need it. My luck to you? Don't invest too much into someone until they invest into you...

It's only fair.


========================



As far as the hurricane goes..... I can't believe my country. Not the people, but our leadership. We are so busy pointing fingers, holding trials, finding someone to blame........ yet there are still thousands of people who need help. Politics can wait.

People don't need to pat themselves on the back while others are suffering..........

It's just a wrongdoing. It doesn't matter what happened, hurrican, flood, blizzard, terrorist attack. This kind of response is unacceptatble.

And, just think - waht if the US gets a terrorist attack right now?
We'd be screwed.

If we were swift in our actions, it would be a lot different. Granted, that it will take years to fix new Orleans. But still......... this event was not managed well.


What I hate about politics the most - when people keep using the same excuse, and saying everything is a result of it.



That;s what they do with terrorism -
"oh, well, that's why our economy is bad, that's why we are in Iraq, that's why we weren't prepared for the storm"

Yeah, I suppose it is also the reason why the sun rises, too?


And now, Kartina will give everyone anothre huge, massive excuse that they can blame everything on........ No one wants to be a true leader..................



--------

as you can tell, I'm a little bitter about this all.......


Honestly..... I'm a person who judges others by their character. That's how I work. And I don't like the character of my country, what they showed to themselves. What it showed of itself....

there is a lot that could be improved, should be improved.





but it is out of my jurisdiction, so what does it really matter, I suppose.....

 

[For Honor]

Here's a happy sort of confession


Well, it wasn't going to be happy until a moment ago. See, I moved in with my stepmother, and today was the last day of getting all my stuff here.

The last thing was my cat, named Roy.

He's really a sociable cat, but then again, this is his first time moving. So he spent the first 6 hours hiding in the closet, but that's normal, because cats are shy that way. He cried the whole car ride! But he's doing better now. I am glad to see him walking around and stuff. He was scaring me, because he was like a statue for a few hours, but I guess the move was tramatic for him.

Ah, I better open my door, he seems to be adventurous!!!

I want him to sit on my window sill, because he loves window sills, and there are much different from my old home now....

It was so nice, because I thought I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye, and when I say my cat Roy moving around, I was so happy! I was worried he wouldn't move, stay in the closet the whole night! And he hasn't even eaten yet... but I'm sure that will come





I missed him..........

I haven't seen him in almost a month, really, because I've been doing so many things.

I'm gonna go help him "exlpore" his new "territory"

 

[lady luck]

thanks for sharing the story of Roy! Very nice

As you, I don't count on luck so much. I tend to think that things will go as they have to.
I'm not a fan of "destiny", even if I recognize that some coincidence and twist of events may change the direction you are taking.

Did you decide something for the college?

 

[For Honor]

FOr college....... I was originally interested in psychology. But now I am not so sure. Psychology is the most popular major in AMerica, and with so many people already taking it, getting a job in that field would be strange, or difficult, or just odd.

But really, I don't know. I have certain things that I like, that will guide me, but I have no definite path I want to go in. It just has to be practical, at least on some level.


It will be interesting, because I am not very conventional, or...... I'm not very typical. So, there will be an interesting balance of finding a good job, etc, but at the same time, being able to "be myself".

Ideally, I'd like a job where my personality and beliefs would be accepted and they would benefit the job. Or at least where they didn't conflict with my job.

I could never be a lawyer.......
THere is too much deceit in that, and I wouldn't be able to represent someone I didn't fully believe in.


but I guess that is just one example, lol


who knows what is to become of me........

 

[lady luck]

Is being "different" from the rest of the world a thing that is very important to you?

Do you feel you ARE different, or you try to BE different?

 

[For Honor]

Excellent question, and one I want you to answer, too.



As far as I go, though......

I used to be very different from how I am now. I would go out of my way to hide myself, to make myself less noticeable. I used to repress much of my personality, and who I was.

I see now that there is a connection.
I hid myself a lot, because the more I let my true self show, the more "different" I was. but really, maybe it was that I decided to spend less time on conformity than others. I don't know.


WHatever the case..... I do not try to be different. I try to be who I am. If everyone acted the way I do, I would not try to be different, just for the sake of it. And really, everyone is "different", everyone is unique, so it's not just me. But I don't know....... I don't really know how to label myself, how to say what I am, or how different from others I am.


Personally, though my own discovery, I've found that it is best for me to be an individual, and that by doing things in my own way, I am better off. I don't know if that's the case for everyone, but that's how it is for me. The more I let my authentic self through, the better I am at being me. But I can't really say if that real me, the "authentic me", I can't say if that is just me being natural

or if that I'm naturally different.

I don't know, really.
I think a large part of me being "different", though, is that I don't buy into a lot of conventional, accepted things. Especially in the areas of music, pop culture, and other things.

As a (younger) kid , I never liked the music other kids did, so I think that was probably encouraging in "do things my own way" terms. That and..... well......

I suppose when you spend time alone, you are left to formulate your own thoughts, ideas, and values. But in all reality, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels the same way I do. Forums like this, this internet site, help me feel less alone, sometimes.


===================

Is being "different" from the rest of the world a thing that is very important to you?


No

however, the way I look at the rest of the world....
I see a lot of things that I don't like in the world, so I do not want to be like that, so to say. Honestly, in growing older, I've found 2 things

1 As I grow up, and become more an individual, I see that I am different from others
2 However, I see that even though I am different, there are other people in the world who feel and see things the same way I do, even if not exactly the same


It's sort of a contradiction, but I can't really describe it well.



but it's not important for me to be different.
I never liked standing out much
But I guess sometimes I do, and that's okay. I'll accept that. As long as I stand out for being who I am, and being truthful, and with some sort of honor or respect.

I don't want to stand out for being overtly arrogant, or for being disrespectful, or for drawing the spotlight on myself because I just want attention

I don't want people's attention. I just want...... to do what I'm supposed to do.


Determening what I am supposed to do, though.... that is the complicated part......

 

[lady luck]

From what depends who you are? This is the question I had in my mind when I asked you.
And this is the question I'm asking myself a lot in these days.
I mean, if I were not born in a small town, from my family and were not grown up the way I was, will I be the same?
What if when I was a kid I had found the courage to tell my parents I wanted to take dance lessons?
What if my desk at school had been another one?

The people we live with, the people we meet during our life, our teachers, our relatives and friends, they all have an impact on ourselves. And, in some ways, they can cause some changes in yourself. Maybe not in the inner part, but at least in the part that you show to the world.

And, as regards me, I know that the part I show is not completely who I am.

I know for sure I am not always the same, but I don't think this means I am hiding myself. it's just that I tend to be and to behave in different ways. Perhaps this is due to the fact that my personality isn’t that strong, so I tend to modify myself depending on who I am with.

Is there just one me?

Perhaps the different “faces” I show are just parts of my whole personality --- but at times I feel sorry I can be so malleable and adaptable!


As for the “be unique”, well every one is different from the others. The way he/she feels thing are not the same as for the others. Especially because there are not “scientific ways” to express what you feel inside you.
But more than “unique”, I was thinking about “being special”.
I think that everyone is the “special one” for someone else -- I mean, it depends from who looks.

I see myself as the most ordinary and common person on earth --- I don’t have particular ability, skills or things of that kind.
In the majority of cases, I like to be me.


I am sorry this post sounds bitter and regretful, but maybe it is due to the fact that this is exactly how I feel today. It's raining, the sky has been grey for almost two weeks now and there are too many things that aren't going in the direction I would like them to -- and the problem is that there's nothing I can do for it. It just depends on how the things are.

There is a line from a song by Savage Garden that keeps bumping in my head and is: “I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands”. The more this verse sounds in my mind, the more I feel I am going to burst into tears…

 

[For Honor]

I will respond to your post soon, but I want to say this first
(you didn't sound bitter, though. You sounded logical, and fine)

========================

I feel an internal happiness. Not emotion, happy. But just a sense of goodness....

It stems from, I believe, knowing who I am, or what I want. Having a good grip on the things around me, the world around me, etc. I'm not where I want to be...... but I just feel right. I can't stand waiting until january for college. BUt really, I'm content with myself. I want to have a job, and get a car, so I can feel more like an adult, but really, those things aren't .........

don't affect your personal happiness, etc.

In a way, that dis- motivates me, because I see that those things are not neccesary at the moment....


nontheless......

I feel very well these days. There are ups and downs, but I can find a secular place that is solid. And for me, that is important, to have at least something that I "know". Something that works for me. I feel confident about most things nowadays, and I like that a lot.

I want to keep that up, and not loose it. But I know there will be down times, that's part of it all. And I'm not afraid of that. But still, I like making something good last.

I always have

 

[For Honor]

I think your last post is fine, actually. Yes, there are different sides to people at different times, and everything impacts you.

You know, that reminds me of one of my new beliefs:

every single action you take, etc, is a reflection of who you are, in your soul....



but that is a complicated thing to explain. What you mentioned in your post, though, is related but sort of the opposite. No less true, though. Environment, experiences, relationships, incidents, events..... they all play on your psychology, and who you are. You, as a person, is always changing and growing. That is the way of life, I feel.


-==================

Savage Garden!


Wow, honestly.... I had no idea who they were. But then I heard their songs, with the names, and rememered them from when I was younger.

I found out that I like a lot of their songs. Most of them.

They are really sweet, and raw, and I can relate. That's how I want my love to be.

"I think I loved you before I met you", etc.
"truly madly deeply"

I found their songs online, and was like
wow, what an interesting name, Savage Garden. Kinda ironic, oxymoron like.

But I played the songs, and then I was like - "Hey, I remember those!!"


so yeah, I like their music.

=====================


Speaking of music, my favorite song has been in my head all day.
PRIDE.

The drums during the chorus....... there are 13 strikes, hits on the drums.... and i'd been drumming my fingers on everything all day.


I guess I'm that way - when I find something I really love, I make it a part of me like that. I know that sonds corny, or kind of bullsh*ty, but I actually mean it. I don't think I will ever not like this song, because it is more than a song to me



I could bask in it, talk about it all day long...... but I will spare you it. I'm tempted to put my signature image back up, with the sword and PRIDE lyrics, but..... I like my new signature too, so it's difficult....

I wish I could have both


hmm//////////////


now I'm scheming........

 

[For Honor]

aha....... I've figured it out...!!!!

 

[For Honor]

You know what has been really empowering for me?


Learning that you can dream about love, and if it doesn't work out with someone, that it's okay. You can still find the one for you, sot to say...

Perhaps that is my greatest lesson

And as a testement to it, my avatar...

It's my fantasy, too...............

....



and there is nothing wrong with that.


It's hard, or should I say, was hard... to look at that image. But now I have grown... I suppose it is part of the happiness that I ahve mentioned above. I've learned more about myself, etc. What love means to me, relationships on different levels, in different ways, first hand experience, witnessing them around me, seeing people, learning, everything.

now, I can look at my avatar and smile


instead of

"ugh..... I wonder if I really could have had that"
it's now

"yeah, that's what I want. I'm gonna get it, too! "

Much like "PRIDE", that image represents much more than a "hug", or the story from which it comes from, or even the experience I've had in relationship to it. It means something a lot more than that too me.




it just goes to show that life is so much about the attitude to which you choose to take. It takes time and effort to change your views, how you think, how you act. But that is part of survival. Part of life.

Those who adapt, prosper.


heh, heh heh.........

I like it when I make connections like that.

 

[lady luck]

I've been at a wedding party on Saturday.
One of the girls I met since I started being in an Amnesty group got merried to her long-time boyfriend.
They are such a lovely couple! I am so happy with that and I really hope they will have the best life one

can image!!

Between the people she invited, there was also the guy I used to like. Also the girl he likes was invited. She

arribed with a great dress, but something went wrong and her dress tore in the back. So she run back

home to change clothes with another girl.
I was in the guy's car for a short time and he kept on talking about her, about the dress, about the fact he

was afraid she was going to lose the ceremony. He wrote notes on his mobile in order to be able to

explain the way to arrive to the city hall where the ceremony was to take place.
I was in the back seat and I had a smile on my face. It was so sweet to se ehow much he cares for her,

even if he knows perfeclty she doesn't see him like a "potential lover".
He keeps on looking at her, follows her if she gets somewhere... You know, you can see he is making all

he can to get her attention and to make her care for him.

If I would have seen this scene a month ago, I would probably have soffered all the time.

I am grateful it wasn't like that on Saturday.

I just felt sorry for him, because I have the impression that all his efforts are useless and he has such a

look in his eyes.. I am so sorry she is not going to give him a chance! Moreover, I think she's quite selfish:

she knows perfectly what he feels -- he told her more than once -- and she has told him she doesn't feel

the same. And that is something that can happen.
The worst from her is that she keeps on accepting his offers to take her home, go and pick her up when

they have to go somewhere and all those things...
I mean, if I knew a guy is into me and I am not into him, I will try not to make him soffer and I will

avoid spending time with him, especially in a car -- that is, IMO, the most intimate place!
I think that if I were in such a situation, I will work to make him go on... Maybe it is impossible to find

the way so that a person can "stop being in love", but I think her behavious makes him hope that he will

succeed one day. And maybe that it will be like that, but.. well, I don't think that is correct!

 

[lady luck]

As regards Savage Garden... I don't think the group exists anymore! But some of their songs were really great!
I used to love them when I was 14, 15... Then I discovered U2 and moved away from them, but I still think they were right in some of their songs!

The name comes from a book on vampires by Ann Rice.

Where are you when you write to me?

 

[For Honor]

I just felt sorry for him, because I have the impression that all his efforts are useless and he has such a

look in his eyes.. I am so sorry she is not going to give him a chance! Moreover, I think she's quite selfish:

she knows perfectly what he feels -- he told her more than once -- and she has told him she doesn't feel

the same. And that is something that can happen.
The worst from her is that she keeps on accepting his offers to take her home, go and pick her up when

they have to go somewhere and all those things...
I mean, if I knew a guy is into me and I am not into him, I will try not to make him soffer and I will

avoid spending time with him, especially in a car -- that is, IMO, the most intimate place!
I think that if I were in such a situation, I will work to make him go on... Maybe it is impossible to find

the way so that a person can "stop being in love", but I think her behavious makes him hope that he will

succeed one day. And maybe that it will be like that, but.. well, I don't think that is correct!

That is the way it should be..... but one thing in life that I have seen plenty of times is this: There are people who take advantage of others, and people who take care of others.

Unfortunately, when these two kinds of people interact, things like that can happen......

That woman you speak of is selfish. But unfortunataly, I'm sure it only boosts her ego, to have someone waiting on her hand and foot like that..........

 

[For Honor]

Where are you when you write to me?

I "live" in New York (the state, NOT new york city)
that, geographically, is where I write from.

 

[lady luck]

I am going through a lot of ups and downs in these days.

I also think my feelings depend on the weather -- when it is grey, I tend to feel quite blue!

Just a few days ago I was so sad and irritable … and I wondered: can I feel this sad and almost desperate just because I lack a person I’ve known just for a week?

The obvious answer is: No.

I think the problem is bigger: I need someone to love and who loves me. I’ve been lonely for too long & I need to have some “romance”.
Meeting Vladimir made me hope the time was arrived.
A week was enough for me to get so involved and I am sure that what he said to me was true. I feel he was sincere --- we had absolutely no reason to lie.

I wrote him an email on Sept. 8, asking him to give me some news

When we left, he gave me 3 different emails addresses. I tried to use the second one, but I got the receipt that saying it was not possible to rely my message. So I paste & copy the message and sent it to the first address. It was not a particular message: I just told him I would have liked to have some news of him and that I missed him and that I would have liked to know if we will ever meet again.

Maybe there is a good reason why he does not answer --- but I also know that maybe he’s not answering because he does not want to.


Today it is sunny, so I feel better!

It is like that also because a couple of days ago I think I took a decision. I am moving away from home.
My sister and I will own a house from December --- we were able to buy it because of a legacy we had from our grandmother.
It is three quarter of an hour from Milan, but there are the trains and so it is simple and quite fast to reach the city. Maybe I will also buy a second-hand car: I drive the one my sister owns now, but I need one on my own, also because I cannot use her cars so often because she needs it.

I do not know if my sister is interested in go and use the house --- I asked her, but she does not know now.

As regards myself, I know I need a place where I can study, be quite, have my privacy and feel at home --- and this is not happening at my parents’ house. The more time I spend in their house, the more I feel nervous and, of course, this has got repercussions on my job and on my relations with people.

I have not told my parents about this project yet, but I think that is a good idea, and it is also what I need now.

I just can imagine how hard it will be, but I think it is time for me to learn to walk completely with my legs.

And I also decided to put a deadline in my “suspended situation” with Vladimir.
I will wait for news from Vladimir until November 8. If he does not write me, I will try to move on and start to consider him as a very nice encounter I had during the summer of 2005. I have some pictures of him & me, and I will keep it in the “box of good memories”.


= = = = = = = = = =

It’s funny: this thread has become for me the journal I was never able to keep!
And I like the fact that someone else is reading it and can give an opinion about what I write!

 

[For Honor]

At least you are being smart about your suspended situation. I am not a big fan of long distance relationships, because it takes so much effort for them to work. And it is especially unplesant if one person "wants it" more than the other, or is more serious about it than another. So, as far as you and Vladimir go, I think the deadline is a good idea.

If a guy really wants to talk to a girl, he will.
And if he can't find some way to talk to you, when he does, he will have one hell of a story to tell you.

I don't advise people to play around when it comes to relationships. But that's just how I feel.



===============


I think moving out on your own will be good for you. If I had the option to do that, I think that's what I would do. But I'm not quite there yet. It sounds like you've got yourself a good oppertunity, though, so it's best to take it while you can.

 

[For Honor]

= = = = = = = = = =

It’s funny: this thread has become for me the journal I was never able to keep!
And I like the fact that someone else is reading it and can give an opinion about what I write!

Yes, I know!

I enjoy that myself, it is like an extended double journal or something, hahaha. But it is an interesting thing




===========
===========
===========


As far as I go, I'm noticing some changes in myself. I've sort of mentioned them, hinted at them, but I guess I don't really have a good grasp on it yet.

but..... I think about a year ago at this time, or when I first came to this site, Interference, last December..... what a different person I've become. But I think I have improved in a good way. There always seems to be a bit of contradiction, though.


that;s all I'll say about "me" for now. I am still.. uncertain about some things

 

[lady luck]

At least you are being smart about your suspended situation. I am not a big fan of long distance relationships, because it takes so much effort for them to work. And it is especially unplesant if one person "wants it" more than the other, or is more serious about it than another. So, as far as you and Vladimir go, I think the deadline is a good idea.

If a guy really wants to talk to a girl, he will.
And if he can't find some way to talk to you, when he does, he will have one hell of a story to tell you.

I don't advise people to play around when it comes to relationships. But that's just how I feel.



===============


I think moving out on your own will be good for you. If I had the option to do that, I think that's what I would do. But I'm not quite there yet. It sounds like you've got yourself a good oppertunity, though, so it's best to take it while you can.

Dear For Honour,
you just can't imagine how truth this is !!

I just got an email from Vlad, asking for my phone number.
And telling me he's TRULY coming to Europe.

Maybe I will have to work on myself to avoid my tendencies to go blue easily...

I see a lot of opportunities around me, and I just want to grab the best ones for me.

Somebody said that everything you do is an opportunity of learning something about life and about yourself.

I am so happy I am the kind of person that can always find a reason to hope and to react.

As regards you, I noticed you are changing. It is a sort of work in progress. I see that there's more about you in the things you write, and you tend to be real, fixed on true things.

I am happy for you!



I really hope you can find your way -- whatever it is!

 

[lady luck]

I like the idea you had of combining various images in your sig!

 

[lady luck]

And now I have to tell you this: I had a dream early this morning.
I saw that Vladimir wrote me an email, and he sounded a little upset because I had doubted of him in my previous email.

Whem I woke up, I was just thinking that it's strange how your mind plays tricks on you, especially when you want someone so much.

I could not see my mails before launch time -- and you can't imagine how surprise I was when I saw the mail Vladimir finally sent me!!!

I don't know if there's a name for things of this kind -- but whatever the name, I really like it!

 

[For Honor]

I remember having dreams about someone else like that.....

Enjoy it as much as possible, as long as it's appropriate. It's okay to get your hopes up, just make sure you have good reason to do so.

Being infatuated can be fun.... b-
......

ah, I don't need to go "Dad" on you, hahahahaha

==============
==============
==============


I hope things work out for the best for you and Vladimir, whatever that may be. I guess a big part of life is the experiences you take part in.


========

Ah, I guess I'm a little short on words today...
To many thoughts in my head, perhaps.


My sig..... yeah, I guess it's fun to change it....
Though I think I will change it again, though, because it's college football season, my favorite sport. (the American version of football)

I've got a little too much free time on my hands right now, and I just feel funny about it

 

[lady luck]

I am not going to dive into the unknown, don't worry for me. It's not the case!

I just know that I'll meet him again -- still don't know where. But I know I am a rational being and I don't want to do things I will repent for.

But, at the same time, I do not want to have regrets.

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Do you play football or just love watching it?

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A question for you to think about:

if your name is to be remembered in the future, what do you would like to be associated to?