All By Myself

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I think I've just about come to the end of my rope when it comes to the single thing.

I know, "you'll find it when you least expect it", "don't look for it", etc. It's not like I'm peeking around every corner saying, "Hark? Is that The One I see right over there?". It's just that when I see someone I may want to talk to I have zero confidence, and because of that, most of the time don't even bother talking to them at all. And if I do, 99% of the time it blows up in my face, therefore making me even more gunshy the next time a situation like that arises. Another thing I am at fault for is anytime I do see someone looking my way, I freeze up, which probably makes me look stuck up, or even worse I misjudge and think they are looking at me, when it turns out who they're really looking at is someone behind me (classic embarrassing situation scenario).

I realize I'm not gorgeous, have a model figure, or possess any of that other stuff that most everyone else with a signifigant other has, but I don't think I'm all that bad, either. I've dated a bit in the past year so I know I'm not a complete troll, but I just want something more. I guess better opportunities to meet people more aligned with my interests? Of course if I do happen to meet them, I'll immediately clam up or set myself up for another fall. I'm truly at a loss...

If anyone has ever read Chuck Klosterman's book, "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", I think he makes an excellent point in his essay "This Is Emo" . We've all seen too many movies where that perfect, "fake love", exists, like When Harry Met Sally..., Say Anything...", and apparently all other movies ending with "...". Anyway, this idea of perfect love is part of what I think is my problem. Meaningless dates don't add up to much for me. I want something to hit me right away, to instantly connect and to never look back. I want Lloyd Dobler, I want that part in Garden State where Zack Braff tells Natalie Portman he feels like he's home, I want the lobster scene from Annie Hall.

I guess I want too much... I'll stop rambling now because most of you are probably tired of listening to me bitch and moan about being a singleton after all this time.

 

[bonosloveslave]

I'll stop rambling now because most of you are probably tired of listening to me bitch and moan about being a singleton after all this time.

SHEESH! Finally!








































J/K!!!!!!!!

Hang in there, he's out there - mayhaps he'll be waiting in line during the upcoming tour........(that's my prediction anyway)

 

[dandy]

We've all seen too many movies where that perfect, "fake love", exists, like When Harry Met Sally..., Say Anything...", and apparently all other movies ending with "...". Anyway, this idea of perfect love is part of what I think is my problem.

i think we've all been brainwashed as far as the perfect love fantasy goes. it's a pet peeve of mine. there isn't just one perfect person out there for each and every one of us. c'mon, there are six billion people on the planet. we've got to be compatible with more than just one.

i've been single for, lessee, about a year and a half now. it's not easy to meet new people, and it's rough on the self-esteem. (i come off as a harsh, uptight, cranky person, mostly because of my extreme shyness and awkardness around people i don't know well--i can totally relate to you there). maybe i'm lucky, because i love being single--i love being able to do what i want, when i want, not worrying about anyone else's feelings if i want to take off for a few days or just want some good quality alone time... there are positives about being single. i know it's hard to keep that perspective, but try to look for the silver lining.

and, if that fails, remember it's better to be single and fabulous than attached and miserable.

zach braff in garden state yeah, i had a few pangs watching that movie.

 

[Blue Room]

It's not like I'm peeking around every corner saying, "Hark? Is that The One I see right over there?".

that seriously made me laugh out loud.

I know exactly what you are talking about though. It can be frustrating. Just focus on the positive things going on and hope what you are looking for happens. Unfortunately its not something you can force or really even control (I have made that mistake and had a girl try to force something with me. Either way, its BAD).

 

[AvsGirl41]

It must be the time of year. I know where you're coming from.

I thought I was over my obsession and depression over my singleton state, but it has hit me really hard lately and I don't know why. I discovered a nicely painful cure, in that I just think of that really horrid date I had, and it's like a stake in the heart, fixes me right up for awhile. But it's not permanent and hardly solves the problem.

Part of it has to do with my limited social circle--I seem to have fallen off everyone's radar since Christmas, so it's like wow, I have no dates *and* no friends! I have no idea where or how to even meet new people and potential dates. It's like, I work, I go to school, I was playing along and going to parties and stuff. I come in contact with lots of guys and they aren't remotely interested. They're all either married or in fanatically serious relationships. I'm so sick of hearing that "someday, they'll be lined up for you." They said it when I started working, they said it when I started college, now it's "you'll meet guys in grad school." Honestly. Exactly WHEN are they going to start lining up? I'm even more sick of men telling me how wonderful I am and how they wish they could find a girl like me--go to hell, the lot of you!

I'm going to be 23 next month and I still haven't even had a boyfriend. I've only had a handful of dates, I just can't shake off the feeling that this is the permanent state of things for me. It depresses me to no end. I *know* there's nothing wrong with me, and yet, I can't stop questioning why I'm not good enough. I want so much to be *needed* by someone.

Hey, maybe it's just time to turn to alcoholism.

 

[fah]

So many of us have been where you (and others) are right now. I too was in my 20's, single, living at home, unemployed, overweight....you see where this is going.

Then things started to turn around for me, I went back to school and took some extra courses, lost some weight and got a job. And then, when I was 27 and didn't think I was ever going to meet Mr Right - I met Mr fah. Yes, I remember it well...he was drunk in a hot tub and I was sober standing beside the hot tub 8 months later we started dating and we've been together ever since.

 

[Diemen]

I completely and totally understand where you're coming from, April. It shouldn't be this hard to find someone special. Unfortunately I can look back and say that through my own stupidity/lack of confidence/naivete/whatever I've let a few special someones slip by, but still, it sucks to go through such a dry spell where there just is nothing exciting on the relationship horizon.

I try to look at it this way (keyword: try): I should concentrate on bettering myself for ME before I worry about bettering myself for someone else. If I'm happy with my own life, then it's just all the more better to share that with someone else, plus I'm sure it looks a lot better to others if they see someone who's happy and secure with his life.

It's just getting to that point that's a bit difficult...

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I just read this thread again and boy, do I sound pathetic.

Thanks for the kind and helpful words, everyone, I do appreciate them.

 

[Rono]

I just read this thread again and boy, do I sound pathetic.

Thanks for the kind and helpful words, everyone, I do appreciate them.

You sound pathetic ? no way, you said something that sounds so familiar to a lot of us. Thank you for doing so, a lot of us are to scared to open up.

 

[ladywithspinninghead]

I realize I'm not gorgeous, have a model figure, or possess any of that other stuff that most everyone else with a signifigant other has, but I don't think I'm all that bad, either. ...

April,

I never post in here but I thought it important that I tell you that I met you in Toronto and you are indeed gorgeous! You've got a beautiful face and you radiate lots of positive energy. Maybe guys are intimidated by you....

 

[EPandAmerica]

feeling your pain

*almost 40 - most men my age are married or divorced wanting someone half their age.
*single parent - makes men go :runawayfast:

Like, Avsgirl41, I too remember all the bad relationships and that keeps me happy to be single, .... but, only for a while.... then ofcourse the holidays seem to be a very lonely time for singletons.




I am also hoping that if and when the upcoming tour starts, I will be able to meet a someone special.

 

[joerags]

LarryMullen's_ PopAngel

I can really relate to you. I have been struggling with self-esteem for the my entire life. I feel like I am the ugliest guy in the world and that no girl likes me. I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend. I know, it's pathetic.
I find that people over 25 and still single worry about whether they ever will find that special person. They fret over this every day. People have told me that I am just shy and that I am not really ugly. But I can't believe them, the part about not being ugly. People say that looks aren't that important, that it's about personality and what's on the inside. I want to believe that, but I just can't.
You are one of my favorite Interferencers. Your posts are such a treat to read. You seem like a down-to-earth, sweet, caring woman. And I know that guys will see that. You just have to take chances. Don't be afraid. Don't be shy. You have to have a positive attitude, because guys like that. It will happen when it happens. There are decent, nice guys out there. No. really, there are. LOL.
It sucks being lonely, I know. But focus your energies on doing the things that you love. And then a guy will come along. It will happen, because you deserve it. You really do.

 

[pax]

Well, you know how I feel on this subject, April. You know you're an absolute treasure as a friend and human being, and soon enough, some idiot guy will get smacked upside the head by heaven and be turned into a smart, perceptive dude who goes, "Oh, my God! This April...THIS is the woman I've been looking for to respect and adore and do lots of fun things with!!!"

And I know what you're going through (though I've not been single as long, and not REAL sure I want to get un-single JUST yet)...I've had dry spells long and short, but I just try to keep in mind that this kind of happiness, for me, might well still be pretty far down the line, and so I need to make other kinds of fun for myself in the meantime. It doesn't mean it won't ever get here.

 

[She Is Raging]

I just read this thread again and boy, do I sound pathetic.

Thanks for the kind and helpful words, everyone, I do appreciate them.

You dont sound pathetic at all. I"m sure everyone here feels this way, or remembers feeling this way at some point in their lives. I remember it all too clearly. My husband was the first person I had a really serious relationship that went beyond 6months or so...and I waited a LONG time to meet him. Dating SUCKS... and I know I dont have to tell you that. I went through I period in my life were I merely just dated random guys for like 5 years... you remember me telling you about Rob?? There's a perfect example of dating someone because you're sick of being single. I know you proabbly think its easy for me to say "hang in there" or "he's right around the corner" ... but I mean it because that's what happened to me. You're a pretty girl, an unbelieveably nice person... any guy will be very lucky to have you. We all have our share of frogs to kiss unfortunately....

 

[U2Kitten]

I know this doesn't make single people wanting to be attached feel better, but believe me, it's better to be by yourself than in a bad relationship. The bright side is, you are free, no one has anything on you, and you still have hope of something wonderful.

 

[Salome]

I guess I want too much...

I don't think it's about wanting too much

it's about finding someone who wants the same at the same time
and therefore will judge you for your many qualtities instead of the flaws you have like most likely anyone does

good luck

 

[For Honor]

deep down everyone really wants the same thing, they just don't really know what it is or how to understand it.


Remember that yo have to improve yourself and become what it is you most desire, or what your most attracted to.


I'm a sort of good example for this..... see........

When I was younger, I had low confidence and low everything else. I thought the only reason girls looked at me was because I was ugly, or I had something bad on my face. I never, ever thought that I was good looking. I didn't talk to anyone, except the secure little group of people I felt comfortable with, etc.....

3 yeasrs later...... so much has changed. I've realizes that I'm actually very good looking, and that girls do like me. And I'm comfortable with just talking and not expecting anything more. With just being friends, with just interacting. I sometimes find myself falling to think that "hmm, maybe she's the one", and yeah, I do fantasize sometimes, sometimes too much. But still.....

I've changed so much, but, there are something that still hold me back.


And it's been a very interesting process, because through it, I've learned that not everything is my fault. Especially in school, a lot of things you don't have control over, especially your family, and that all effectst the people you come to meet and know. For me, a great deal of goodness has come from accepting the past, and letting it go- it's not a part of me anymore. It was, it used to be, but it's not me, here now.

And I say this is important because you can't keep letting the past ruin the present. You can't really worry about what has happened- you should learn from it by all means, though. Just think of every problem, everyt situation, every relationship as a sort of "Teacher", something that you can learn froom. Take all your old realtioinships or dates, and figure out what happened. Was the guy not your type, were you too nervous, was he not opening up to you? whatever. Just make sure you learn, so that you don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

That being said, you've done nothing wrong.
You've not made any mistakes.
They are just experiences, and they are just training you for the real thing.

Don't ever loose hope that you will have a loving, romantic, good realtionship. Everybody really wants that, even if they don't know it. Just take your time, and be very selective, and choose someone you can logically work with.

But don't ever get fed up with the past. Learn from it, yeah, but that's where it ends. You never live in the past, so don't think you do. The more you look backwards, the less clear a picture of the present you will get. and the same thing goes for looking ahead.

Have your dreams, and sure, dream big. But understand the process of getting there. You're going to have to work for all of it, but I think that you have to work for anything that's really worth while.


Basically, I'm all alone, too.
(reminds me of "message in a bottle"- I'll send an SOS.... it seems I'm not alone in being alone...)

And sort of..... just remember that we're all in this together, and, someone is looking for you, too. There are 6 billion people in the world, right, so there may be a few, but just don't be afraid to be the person you want to be. The more true to yourself you can be, the more likely you will find someone who will be true to you, and who can truly be with you.


The quest for "love", if you will, is a great and amazing thing, so enjoy the ride. Everybody gets their heart broken, but only those who keep their head up and persevere get what they want,

just like anything else in life.

 

[~LadyLemon~]

I'm right there with ya..

 

[elevation]

Oh boy, how I know what you´re talking about... The only positive thing I can say is: You're still young ... I'm old... Or older at least

 

[arw]

I'm right there with ya..

me too

 

[Schmeg]

So many of us have been where you (and others) are right now. I too was in my 20's, single, living at home, unemployed, overweight....you see where this is going.

Then things started to turn around for me, I went back to school and took some extra courses, lost some weight and got a job. And then, when I was 27 and didn't think I was ever going to meet Mr Right - I met Mr fah. Yes, I remember it well...he was drunk in a hot tub and I was sober standing beside the hot tub 8 months later we started dating and we've been together ever since.

And it's Happily Every After from there with the Mini Fah's! There IS hope for the rest of us!

I turn 26 one month from today, and I am in that no friends (less than two hours away)/no boyfriends thing. I am still living at home with no hope of ever moving out without meeting Mr. Not Only Right But Filthy Rich Too. I had a pretty bad boyfriend experience before I was 19, and that kind of set the pace for the rest of my life...and here I am.

I forgot where this post was going. Sorry!

I am hoping the filthy rich Mr. Right is waiting to stand in a U2 GA line and exchange e-mail addresses in the not-too-distant future!

 

[Renne]

normally i'm happy with being single, but lately i've been feeling a little dissatisfied.

i'm kinda resigned to the fact that i'm going to be a single a lot longer, because i don't get out and meet people, plus i think my standards are too high. for this town, anyway.

 

[For Honor]

don't lower your standards.

be strong.

There are the right people, just stay open to it

 

[lmjhitman]

I think I've just about come to the end of my rope when it comes to the single thing.

Your post made me cry LMPA! Your words really resonated with me as I find myself in a similar situation. I actually never had a boyfriend until I was almost 25! I finally met someone, we were together for 5 and 1/2 years and he broke up with me last year. And here I am, like you, all by myself. The only difference between 5 and 1/2 years ago and now, is that now I have family members going, "So isn't it time you got married?"
I've now been on both ends of the spectrum and I'm not sure if being heartbreakingly lonely is any better than being lonely and truly heartbroken.

I guess I want too much...

No, you don't. I don't know you and I haven't been on this forum for that long, but you DESERVE that much - at LEAST. I have friends who have been single for, like forever, and they are all self-aware enough to know that they have high standards. I mean 50% of the North American population are divorcing because they settled for someone who, in the end, didn't make them feel as loved and appreciated as they wanted/expected. Being alone is hard, God, do I ever know it. But don't settle. I can't think of anything sadder than a wonderful person who deserves more.
Sorry I can't really offer you any good advice, as I am in a bad place myself. My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago and I know I'm not ready to "put myself out there" (I don't even know how I would do that even if I was ready). But I just wanted to let you know that, even though you're "all by yourself", you are not alone!

 

[Bono's shades]

I'm 37 and still single. That bothered me a lot more when I was younger than it does now. I truly believe it is possible to be happy and fulfilled without a romantic partner and am no longer putting my life "on hold" until I find someone special.

New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day still suck though.

 

[dandy]

i'm kinda resigned to the fact that i'm going to be a single a lot longer, because i don't get out and meet people, plus i think my standards are too high. for this town, anyway.

ha! i'm in just the same boat. i'm hoping to move to real city (hopefully with some more suitable boys, too) within the year. i feel your pain.

 

[Blue Room]

I'm 37 and still single. That bothered me a lot more when I was younger than it does now. I truly believe it is possible to be happy and fulfilled without a romantic partner and am no longer putting my life "on hold" until I find someone special.

New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day still suck though.

Amen to that!

Holidays in general are the only time it sometimes bothers me.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Amen to that!

Holidays in general are the only time it sometimes bothers me.

I'm glad for my freedoms, but couple this with just moving into a place by myself where I come home to a cat everynight, it tends to get lonely.

I agree about the holidays, though, Mike. That's when it really sucks.

 

[Saracene]

I'm 24 and never had a real boyfriend or relationship. Mostly because I'm a fairly self-contained personality with a very narrow social circle, and yes, high standards. And LarryMullen's_POPAngel, I can totally relate to your wish for instant connection! I'm aware that feeling all stomach butterflies-y about a guy by itself is not necessarily a good basis for a lasting relationship, but I do want some magic.

I'm usually comfortable with my singledom, but yeah, in holiday season it can be sometimes dissatisfying.

 

[angel_of_L.A.]

It's not like I'm peeking around every corner saying, "Hark? Is that The One I see right over there?". I want Lloyd Dobler, I want that part in Garden State where Zack Braff tells Natalie Portman he feels like he's home, I want the lobster scene from Annie Hall.

I guess I want too much... I'll stop rambling now because most of you are probably tired of listening to me bitch and moan about being a singleton after all this time.

You are not alone. Everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. Sadly, I am the same way too. I flirt but then I clam up. When guys are crazy enough to talk to me and call me, I won't pick up the phone or I pick up the phone and speak Bongolese. Or I find stupid things about them that I don't like and use it as an excuse to not see them again.

I think it's a self esteem thing. I feel like there are many things that I am in control of and falling in love isn't one of them and that frankly, scares me. I also think that I'm not good enough for anyone, that perhaps guys won't like me because I don't fit their standards, that I'm too strange, too smart, too outspoken, too whatever. I nitpick myself too. Unfortunately, we are our own harshest critics.

Honestly, I think we need to start a support group. Or find people who clam up like we do and date them, that way we all clam up together!

Big from me to you.