Alcohol ruins friendships. Or I'm paranoid.

[LikeNoOneBefore]

I love my best friend. He is one of my only friends at school (all the other close ones are at a different school in our town), and he knows how to make me laugh. We have a thousand inside jokes, and we're the kind of friends who say things at the same time, burst out into the same song, can look at each other and start laughing over something we only know, and who I feel like I belong with.


But lately, my dearest Nick hasn't been the same. Lately, if I call him up with something wrong, he gives me a "Well what do you want ME to do about it?" or "I'm not getting involved. Can't you figure it out yourself? You're sixteen!" But then, he expects me to solve his dilemmas. If I see him at school, he'll give me his usual hug, but anything I say, he responds with bitter sarcasm or anger. I have no idea why. My other best friend, Dom says that maybe it's because of our age difference. He's younger than me, being a freshman, and he's definitely going through that "awkward phase" of one's life. He's mature for his age, but I don't remember doing half the things he does. Of course, I'm a girl, so I could have dealt with things differently.


Anyway, here's what I'm getting at. Nick is a good kid. He works hard in school, and he's into fine arts and everything. Everyone who meets him loves him, and he's one of those kids with an addicting personality. He's always been pretty firm on what he will and won't do. One of those things is drinking. He said he'll only drink once in a while. Maybe once every few months at a party, and he says he knows when to stop. But this month, the drinking's gotten more frequent. He showed up to the first practice of the week of our spring musical with a hangover, and the only reason I found out about it was because a friend of ours can't keep his mouth shut. Last night, he went out to a huge birthday party for the biggest druggie I know. The few days preceeding it, I tried to talk to him about how he's been hurting my feelings by how he treats me and how all the drinking is worrying me, but he would hardly listen. So last night, he texted me and told me he was at the party. I told him to be careful, and he gave me a "Whatever" and I said "I know you're a smart kid. Just saying this because I love you." And he replies, "Tracy, I'm partying. Get over it." So I said "I'm not saying don't have fun. I'm just saying be careful. Call me later or if you need anything." He didn't reply.


Today I talked to him for about 48 seconds when he called me. He was still out with three people from the party (one of which I REALLY don't like and who he used to hate but suddenly doesn't), and he said he'd call me back. He didn't. This was around 11:00. I called him around 2:00 and left him a voicemail. Then around 7:00 I called again. He answered and said he'd call back, but once again, didn't.





So what can I do? I know I can't run his life, but I have to get through to him that this is not a good idea. I can already see his behavior changing and his work ethic too. It's not that I don't want him to have fun or have other friends. I just hate seeing people I know get consumed by this lifestyle. I mean, it's not that bad yet. I'm happy he's not into the drugs or anything, but I know that this isn't something he should be doing. Dom says that I can either alienate him, in which he'll either get angrier at me or my message will get through, or I can stick around, where he'll either get mad at me for caring so much or appreciate everything. I'm not sure what's good for both of us. I know I wouldn't be the same without him. I really adore him. But he needs to know that I don't like this, and he's hurting both of us. I can't stand the person he is when he snaps at me for no reason. What else can I do?


Any insight would be appreciated.

 

[Laura M]

I know I wouldn't be the same without him. I really adore him. But he needs to know that I don't like this, and he's hurting both of us. I can't stand the person he is when he snaps at me for no reason. What else can I do?

You can't do anything more than tell him how you feel about it.

As much as you hate his behaviour, you can't force him to stop or try to control his actions.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Yeah it feels like that's all I can do, but if something happens, I know I'm going to be yelling at myself and so mad that I didn't do enough.

 

[martha]

One of those things is drinking. He said he'll only drink once in a while. Maybe once every few months at a party, and he says he knows when to stop. But this month, the drinking's gotten more frequent.
....... I mean, it's not that bad yet. I'm happy he's not into the drugs or anything, but I know that this isn't something he should be doing.

He's a freshman. In high school. And he's drinking. Guess what. He shouldn't be drinking AT ALL. He's heading for very deep trouble at this rate. His parents, his counselor, your parents, any adult you can get to listen to you needs to know about this. Yesterday. No kid should be claiming to "stop drinking any time he wants." He shouldn't be doing it. AT ALL. And if it's out of control now, and he's what? 14! Think a few months into the future. There is no Nick there.

And alcohol is a drug. Help him. You need to get adults involved in this.

 

[Laura M]

Yeah it feels like that's all I can do, but if something happens, I know I'm going to be yelling at myself and so mad that I didn't do enough.

It's his parents place to tell him not to be doing it. Like Martha said, you should let them know.

When I was 14 my parents would have left me somewhere and picked me up, I had a time I had to be home at if I did go out too. How does he get away with rolling home drunk and going out all the time?

 

[VertigoGal]

It sounds to me like he's being kind of immature. He sees that he can drink and hang with the cool kids and it's new and exciting. You said he's drank before but now that he's doing it with a certain crowd he's kind of blowing you off. Personally I'd be more worried about the kids he's started hanging out with than just the alcohol all by itself. I have guy friends like that...they can be cool to hang out with but sort of think they're "too cool" when they hang out with harder drinking types. I usually just kind of let it go and they outgrow that phase...they still will drink when they want to but don't let it get to their heads so much. If I were you I would tell him you're not going to lecture him about drinking, but the way he's been blowing you off has hurt your feelings. And then just try to hope his "hot shit" phase wears off pretty quickly.
That's what I would, and do, do.

Of course you can get adults involved but I really doubt that's what you want. Unless you're really concerned he has a substance abuse problem I honestly don't think it would help. That's my opinion and I realize it might not be the "right" thing but whatever.

 

[absintheminded]

Facts about alcoholism, it gets worse. The younger you start (I started drinking at 18- and am now a raging alcoholic and I'm out of control) the more chances you are an alcoholic.

The fact that you've noticed it is enough, there is no other needs to be ruined-disgraced-etc in order for an intervention to be necessary.

Alcoholism and drug addictions are serious diseases and need to be met with abundance of knowledge and head-on proactive solutions at first light.
None of this, "Oh he can keep a job." Or "he hasn't gotten a DUI yet."
Don't wait for it. Prevent it.

 

[vaz02]

I fear my mate is totally ruining himself by drinking too much.He must have gained a few stone in like 2 years by just drinking beer, he drinks to excess 5 times a week. He only 17 and i think he should cut down but being the best mates we are he thinks im joking and that im green cos i cant handle as much as him.

 

[Liesje]

If you really think he has a substance abuse problem, contact the school counselors (who should contact the parents).

Otherwise, just tell him how you feel and maybe he really has to choose between you or partying. If you don't approve of his behavior and don't like those things, then he's either going to have to change, or your friendship/relationship is not going to work. I lost many high school friends because they got out of control when we started college and valued being rebellious over actually being friends. It's sad and there's people I still miss, but you can't let someone else's immaturity constantly cause you stress and hold you back.

Sometimes you have to hope he'll learn his lesson and come around. It sounds mean, but for a lot of teenagers who don't actually have substance abuse problem, but do drink too much and think they are too good to get caught, getting caught will work wonders! It happened to my little bro. He was at a party when he was underage and he got busted, even though he passed a breathalyser. But hey if you're underage, you're underage. He went to court, paid his fines, took a class, and gave up his license for a while and has learned his lesson.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Well, I hung out with him today, and things were good for the most part. Every now and then he'd say something that ticks me off, but he's just joking. I'm getting better at letting him know what to joke about and what not too. But anyway, he told me a few things about the party, and he was pretty much the least drunk person there. That made me happy, even though I was still a little mad that he went in the first place. He didn't do anything stupid...well, actually, I take that back. He drove a car underage because his friends were too stoned to do it. I told him, jokingly, that someday I'm going to get a call from the police station saying that they pulled him over without a license and a bunch of high kids in the backseat. Other than that, he didn't do anything. I know that driving a car underage is a huge deal, but I was relieved that he didn't end up hooking up with someone or something ridiculous like that.

Although I'm still not really thrilled about this whole deal, it made me feel better that he said, without me having to tell him anything, "Oh we're going to go crazy on prom! Without alcohol, of course, but yeah, we're going to have a blast!" We're going together, in case I neglectted to mention, so I'm glad he's starting to take what I say into consideration.


I'm not worried about him being a "substance abuser" persay as much as I am of him doing something stupid while he's drunk. I really don't want to tell his parents until I'm full-out terrified of what's going on. Right now, I'm just at the "Wow he's an idiot. I'm worried" stage.

My friend, Dom, who I mentioned earlier, has a best friend just like mine. He's pretty confused about how to deal with her, too, but he basically has been saying what most of you have. Especially VertigoGal. I definitely agree with you. This whole "hot shit" phase he's going through is getting to me. It's like when I'm not around, he's telling all of his friends how amazing and wonderful I am, but when I AM around, he acts like he doesn't want to see me. But I'm getting better at standing up for myself when he tries to shut me up over something stupid.


Really, I love him when he acts like himself. Not this little charade he likes to put on. He's in a very awkward time for himself right now. In addition to this situation, he's sexually confused, and I think it's stressing him out more than he lets anyone know. I'm his best friend, but there are times where he shuts me out. I'd love to talk to him about things going on, but I don't know how to bring it up or go about it. I mean, I can guess how hard it must be to not tell anyone how badly this is affecting you because I know the feeling, just not the exact situation. I think I'm just used to more mature people, and although Nick's mature for his age, he hasn't hit my level yet. I'm being as patient as I can because I KNOW he's going to need me very soon.




And wow I wrote a novel. Thanks if you read all that! Hahaha and thanks to everyone who responded.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

i honestly don't think his issues have anything to do with drinking and he's just going through an awkward phase of his life. it happens... there are very few people who i was friends with going through middle school and my early years of high school that i'm still in touch with today, 10 years on... two or three maybe. most of my friends now are people who i either didn't know then or wasn't friends with. heck, many of the people i was friends with in 9th grade were vastly different from those who i was friends with in 12th grade. it's just part of growing up... people change and sometimes those changes cause great friends to drift apart. it sucks, but it's a part of life.

it's a very strange part of life for him, especially if he's sexually confused as you mentioned... maybe it's just a phase and he'll get over it, maybe his personality is just changing and it'll never be the same.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Well, he did go through a time in middle school where he was into this crap. Then he got over it and got his life straightened out, and now he's back to this again. I hope it goes away again soon because he's so much better than this.