Lance's Mom-inspired art: stick it in here

[lazarus]

I altered the title for the fourth track to recognize the failed foster home incident.

 

[lazarus]

We'd like to thank Lance for donating some of his childhood toys to our permanent collection:

 

[No spoken words]

Awwwwwww.

 

[impy13]

People are always asking what song Shuttlecock walk out to but neglect to ask the same about Lance's Mom. Here's your answer:

 

[LMP]

Is that Shirley Bassey?

I lost it when it Raimi-zoomed to the guy behind the counter.

 

[No spoken words]

Here's this:

I've never seen any Raimi films outside of the Spiderman franchise.

 

[LMP]

I think Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness are in your wheelhouse. This may extend out to Drag Me to Hell, but I can't remember if you're a fan of comedy/horror or not. We know that The Son is not.

 

[No spoken words]

Not a horror fan, really, unless it's straight up horror.

 

[LMP]

The first Evil Dead is pretty scary, I'd say. The type of kills, scare sequences, and gore involved are pretty awesome; even more so when you compare it to the more comedy-infused sequel and fantasy/adventure-centric Army of Darkness.

I'd say besides Back to the Future, you'd have a hard time finding a more solid, entertaining trilogy from start-to-finish than this one, but that's just me.

 

[impy13]

I'd say besides Back to the Future, you'd have a hard time finding a more solid, entertaining trilogy from start-to-finish than this one, but that's just me.

Shut your mouth:

 

[No spoken words]

Look who's in the last one:

"Swoop me!"

 

[LMP]

Shut your mouth:

I'm going to prove both of us wrong:

 

[impy13]

WlNNER!

Oh G-d, I could watch the Ducks all day.

This Onion op-ed needs to be reposted:

When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself
By Emilio Estevez

Life is unfair. That's just a fact. But when you've got no money and no family and it's been three years since Hollywood offered you a role in a film, you've got to ask yourself, "Am I going to sit here on the couch all day and wallow in self-pity, or am I going to get out there and make D4: The Mighty Ducks on my own?" Well, for me, the answer is simple: The Quack Attack is back, Jack!

Sure, I could wait for the studio to contact me. I could wait for the script for D4: Running Afowl to magically appear in my mailbox with a neat little bow on it. Or, I could brush these Sun Chips crumbs off my stomach, put on some pants, and do this thing! How hard can it be? All you need is some pluck, determination, a buddy with a camera, one of those long microphones they hold above you when you talk, a videotape, and a head full of good ideas. Ideas like that the Ducks are pro hockey players now and I'm the coach.

Bingo bango bongo. Something the whole family can enjoy.

Folks, the real message I'm trying to convey here is that we all face tough times. We all get stuck in a rut. We all contemplate slitting our wrists with the blade of the ice skate we wore in the original Mighty Ducks movie, released in 1992 to warm reviews. I know I've been there. But we have to rise above all that and keep calling Josh Jackson until he returns one of our voicemails, keep trying to figure out how to do a special effect that makes it look like a really fast slap shot burned a hole through the net and set it on fire. Because if we don't do that, I ask you, how are we ever going to get work again?

Now, I've been kicking around D4 ideas for the past 12 years, and it's high time I start putting them out there, because they aren't doing any good rattling around in my head. I got this one idea that Coach Bombay (i.e. me) is skating on a frozen pond in slow motion, sort of reflecting on his life like he always does, and then the ice cracks and he falls in. For a second it looks like he's going to drown, but then you see someone extend this hockey stick into the ice-cold water, and the camera zooms up, and it's Charlie (i.e. Charlie Conway, my protégé). He saves me. He's old now and has a beard. And he says in this really gravelly voice "Ducks fly together" and I nod at him and then the team gets back together to play in the Olympics. Then "Whoomp! (There It Is)" starts playing.

It's really all a metaphor for life and for saving people.

But like I said, that's just one idea. I'm coming up with things all the time. Like the other day, I was doing some doodles of cartoon hockey players, like a pig who's a goaltender because he's fat. It got me thinking that D4 could be half animated, half live action. Like the movie Space Jam was. This could be like Space Jam, but it can be called Hockey Jam. I could be the Michael Jordan guy.

I didn't get to where I am in life by sitting back and not making Mighty Ducks movies. And I'm sure as heck not going to stop now. I've just got to type up these scripts, and do some funny jokes and some cool new characters like a guy who can shoot a puck backwards through his legs. Also I have to find a budget somewhere, because movies need budgets. Then it's just a matter of picking up the phone and calling the old gang. I'm sure they'd be up for another sequel. Guys like Fulton, Lester, Jesse. I wish I knew their real names.

Of course, if I can't get the original actors, am I going to whine and give up? No. When life gives you shit, you've got to turn that shit into D4: The Mighty Ducks: The Prequel.

I've even got some great ideas for awesome new moves. You can't have a Mighty Ducks movie without having cool and funny ways to score goals. In the first one, we had the Flying V and the triple deke. Then in D2 we had the knuckle-puck. Well get ready for this, because this is going to blow you out of the water. Are you ready? Quadruple deke. That's four dekes! Like D4, get it? Four.

The movie will hinge on this, because—spoiler alert!—it's the thing the players will do at the end to win the final game that it looked like they would not be able to win. So this cool move, or "trick," will be an important part of D4.

If anyone reading this has any equipment for making movies with, or is a movie executive, or would like to look over my script and give me some feedback, you can reach me at coach.bombay57@gmail.com.

Wait, I just thought of another thing. We could have the Ducks face the terrorist's hockey team, and if we win, they have to stop being terrorists. That could not only be funny, but also symbolic.

 

[No spoken words]

Best villian EVAR from a movie series:

 

[LMP]

I'd say a formative moment in my childhood was the street-court hockey game with the intimidating, yet insightful set of black hockey players from D2.

 

[Lancemc]

You fucks just reminded me that I actually watched part of The Santa Clause 2 once in High School.

Seriously the worst film I've ever seen.

 

[impy13]

Couldn't be any worse than The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause must have been. Or the planned fourth installment, featuring Dalton taking over Tim Allen's iconic role in The Santa Clause 4: The Indian Commerce Clause.

 

[LMP]

You fucks just reminded me that I actually watched part of The Santa Clause 2 once in High School.

Seriously the worst film I've ever seen.

The YLB Family got some great Christmas joy out of that movie in theaters. I wasn't going to have any of it.

Couldn't be any worse than The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause must have been. Or the planned fourth installment, featuring Dalton taking over Tim Allen's iconic role in The Santa Clause 4: The Indian Commerce Clause.

Doesn't that movie have some strange Back to the Future Part II-esque time travel/alternate perspective shit going on?

 

[impy13]

If you mean a vision quest...... yes.

 

[LMP]

If you mean a vision quest...... yes.

 

[GirlsAloudFan]

When I find myself in times of trouble, Lance's Mother cums to me
Speaking words of wisdom
It ain't free

And in my chains of darkness, she is naked right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
It ain't free

It ain't free
It ain't free
It ain't free
It ain't free
If you want the rimjob, there's a fee

For though her legs are parted
Her mouth is full and she can't breathe
Gargling pearls of wisdom
It ain't free

 

[lazarus]

"Gargling pearls of wisdom" FTW.

Nice work, Gaffer.

 

[impy13]

THE REAR END

Oh yeah, alright
Are you gonna get in my jeans tonight?

And in the end
The cash you take is equal to the love you make


























































BOOM

Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot and it doesn't cost a lot to play
Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot but it gets railed every day
I wanna plow her but I'm hearing a lot that soliciting prostitutes is a crime
Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot
Someday I'm gonna feel that slime, oh yeah
Someday I'm gonna feel that slime

 

[LMP]

Ah, Paul's great unfinished opus.

 

[lazarus]

About as good an ending for Crabby Load as anyone could have hoped for.

In case anyone was thinking about doing the rest of the medley, don't forget this is already done:

GOLDEN SHOWERS

Once there was a way to get back whorin'
Once there was a way to get that bone
Paid by the john so you won't cry
and Lance will get his lullabye

Golden Showers fill your eyes
Towels there so you can dry
Paid by the john so you don't cry
and Lance will get his lullabye

 

[mad1]

Lances Mum = Lazarus gran-toy.

 

[impy13]

It's the moment you've all been waiting for...

THE CRABBY LOAD MEDLEY




YOU HAVE TO GIVE HER YOUR MONEY

You have to give her your money
She won't take food stamps, just legal tender
And after finishing negotiations
She takes one

I wanted to give her lumber
I asked if she'd had inoculation
And in the middle of the copulation
She faked one

In the brothel, money spent
Sleeps in same bed, pays no rent
All the money's stacked, that haggard ho
Lots of slobber on your sack
Trashy tattoo on her back
Smelly whorey show, that haggard ho
But oh, that tragic peeling, that haggard ho
Oh, that tragic peeling
That haggard ho
That haggard ho!

One sweet cream
Put on the bag and give her pale ass a ream
Soon you'll drive away again
Step on the gas and Tide that stain away
One sweet cream came through... today
Came through... today
Came through... today...yes it did
One two three four five six seven
These girls cost less than eleven

SPUNK KING

Here comes the spunk king
Here comes the spunk king
Everybody's staph-ing
Everybody's clappy
Here comes the spunk king

(orgasm noise gibberish)

PEEN BLISTER CUSTARD

Peen blister custard seeps in the dark
Leaves such a mark, feels like sandpaper
Leaks from a hole in the bone
Dripping down your personal zone
Hurts like a big kidney stone
Such a mean old gland
Such a mean old gland

His mother Pam works at a broth'
She never stops, she's a head-wetter
Takes it out to look at the ween'
There's one place that it's never been
Always squirts out some kind of cream
On her dirty old ass
Such a dirty old ass

PROPHYLACTIC PAM

Well you should see Prophylactic Pam
She's not good-looking but she'll do any man
Well you should see her in bed putting a glove on your head
Yes you should see Prophylactic Pam
Yeah yeah yeah

Get a dose of her with crack pipe and pills
She's spiller-filler when she's cocked to the hilt
She's the kind of a girl that fucks the Jews of the world
And they would say she's economically built
Yeah yeah yeah

SHE CAME ONTO THE BATHROOM WINDOW

She came onto the bathroom window
Protected by a saran sheen
And when she squirts it runs asunder
By the bowl of an old latrine

Couldn't anybody smell her?
Wouldn't anybody flee?
Sunday's john delayed to Monday
Tuesday's john comes in at three

She said she used to be a stripper
She charged a five spot for a dance
And since she pulls down many zippers
She don't know who fathered her Lance

And so I left my sad apartment
And bought myself a cheap blow job
And when she tried her best to please me
She just squealed when I shot my wad

Couldn't anybody smell her?
Wouldn't anybody flee?
Sunday's john delayed to Monday
Tuesday's john comes in at three
Oh yeah.

GOLDEN SHOWERS

Once there was a way to get back whorin'
Once there was a way to get that bone
Paid by the john so you won't cry
and Lance will get his lullaby

Golden showers fill your eyes
Towels are there so you can dry
Paid by the john so you don't cry
and Lance will get his lullaby

THE REAR END

Oh yeah, alright
Are you gonna get in my jeans tonight?

And in the end
The cash you take is equal to the love you make


























































HER VAJESTY

Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot and it doesn't cost a lot to play
Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot but it gets railed every day
I wanna plow her but I'm hearing a lot that soliciting prostitutes is a crime
Her vagesty's a pretty nice slot
Someday I'm gonna feel that slime, oh yeah
Someday I'm gonna feel that slime



©Lazzon/ImpCartney

 

[Lancemc]

Epic.

 

[LMP]

Ha HA!

Is it now canon that Lance's Mom's name is Pam?

 

[impy13]

I thought of Pam more as a fellow brothel denizen, a colleague, if you will. It's for the best that Lance's Mom never has an actual name. She's like the Bride, but without the Kiddo revelation.