Bullying - What Can Be Done?

[MrsSpringsteen]

Nothing can be done about bullying until adults stop being bullies too

[BonosSaint]

^Truth that.

There is too much tolerance for bullying. Too much tolerance for all sorts of bad behavior. We all look away too much. It can be lessened if all the good people spoke up, stood up, held the bullies accountable consistently, made it socially unacceptable to bully, embarass the bullies. But we probably won't do it.

[yolland]

I don't know...while there will always be bullies of all ages, it sure seems to me that I saw far, far more of it as a child in school than I have in the workplace as an adult. I've worked full-time for a little over two decades now, in two very different kinds of careers, and I can only think of one person I've worked with whom I'd describe as a bully (he was a pretty epic one though, wound up going down in flames with multiple lawsuits against him). Whereas in school and especially during the K-8 years, I'd say I saw it weekly or more. Of course different kinds of workplaces have different social cultures, and no one sees and hears everything that happens in their workplace, but still. Besides, when you're talking behavioral patterns that tend to persist throughout life unless decisively addressed early--like bullying, and poor responses to bullying--childhood would seem to be the ideal stage to focus concerted efforts on. So long as the scope of the problem being focused on and the goals being aimed for are clearly defined.

[mama cass]

i was brought up in a family of bullies - my father bullied my eldest brother, eldest brother bullied my middle brother, middle brother bullied me, i would cry, then eldest brother would beat the crap out of middle brother to defend me

i know how bullies work - i saw the master bully in action very close at hand while growing up... so i'm very conscious of trying my best not to be like him! my greatest fear is to turn into my dad, and i've said to my husband he must kick me into touch if i show any sign of doing so LOL!!!

in the family, it's such a destructive thing - it was divide and rule! and has totally wrecked my extended family, it's pretty sad!

given the chance these days, i.e., if any of us actually bothers to make the call and speak to him, he will still talk down to us quite horribly and offensively, and treat us like "kids" and takes all the credit for our professional "success" when he did fuck all, it's quite hilarious... but he seriously cannot cope with being corrected, argued with, or when we talk back to him like adults... we tiptoed around him and appeased him all our lives while living under his roof, and after a while, you just can't do that any more without it being seriously damaging to your own mental wellbeing... but the upshot is, we have no relationship, which cuts when he is the only surviving parent... the saddest thing is, he doesn't value people, and just cannot see what he is missing out on... we're all just his "evil naughty disobedient children"! so yeah, bullying is a pretty destructive horrible thing... it has totally trashed my (extended) family... none of us (apart from me and my eldest brother) basically have anything to do with each other any more...

[yolland]

^ That sounds awful, particularly the longterm damage to family ties. I like what you said about being aware of the dangers of your own knowledge of how those dynamics work. I understand a little about family bullying. My next oldest brother was severely afflicted with Tourette's as a child and was frequently bullied (often physically, as in beaten up) by other kids as a "freak." He became a sullen, angry kid who directed his desires for physical revenge at me (when our parents weren't around of course), and since I was considerably smaller, I was pretty much helpless to defend myself. The result was that I became hypersensitive and hyperdefensive towards any physical taunt whatsoever, no matter how slight--I was that kid where if you fleetingly thwacked me in the cheek with your thumb and forefinger, I'd grab someone's metal lunchbox and bash you repeatedly in the face, or kick you in the knees so hard you'd be limping the rest of the day, one time I pounded an older kid over the head with a rock until his scalp bled. It took several years and several "discussions" with teachers and my parents before it finally sunk in that this was a dangerous and stupid way to react. I never attacked anyone who hadn't physically taunted me first, and verbal taunts I seldom responded to at all, but in those days I was perpetually primed to react 5000% at the first hint anyone saw me as physically vulnerable. Thankfully my younger siblings weren't around until I'd outgrown that phase, otherwise I'd have probably turned around and done to them what he did to me, just like you describe. Sometimes there can be longterm psychological advantages to being the most "helpless" one within the situation.

[BonosSaint]

I have seen a lot of bullying in the workplace. I've generally lucked out because I hide my weaknesses well and I'm beyond caring. But I see a lot of people experiencing it. While in my workplace, the bully is a man, what I've seen in a lot of other places is woman on woman bullying--the demeaning, the undercutting, the careful to do it when no one is watching strategy, the innuendo, the shunning, the "you're crazy" when the bully is called out--the invalidating of the other. Women are very clever at it. And some men hire that type of woman to be their bully by proxy. It gets around the discrimination claims. Maybe it is the social culture. Petty small town tyrant shit, maybe. But I've heard of a lot of it. I think it's gotten more refined.

I understand concentrating on the young. But I'm pretty sure without re-enforcement down the line, the lesson's not going to take. Nobody changes until they see a benefit to themselves for changing.

[the iron horse]

Back in the early 90s schools begin to punish not only the
one who started the fight, but the student who fought back.

Today, in the school where I work, both students are expelled
for five days or more.

It seems to me that bullying has increased since the early 1990s.

The victims, knowing the consequences, or less inclined to fight back.


This policy, I think, has only compounded the problem.


Bullying is as old as dust and sometimes the dust needs to be hit
in the nose.

[Headache in a Suitcase]

I don't think bullying has increased whatsoever. I think it was much, much worse when I was a kid. I think there is a lot more attention given to the topic now, which makes it seem like it's happening more and more often.

maybe its just the school I work in, but I don't see the same cliq's that dominated high school when I went. Kids are pretty much readily accepted for who they are across the board.

I was an awkward, gangly kid with a girls name through elementary school and middle school. I know a thing or two about being bullied.

Its certainly not gone, and some of it can still be downright vicious... but I think the more attention given to the issue has made it less wide spread, at least where I am.

[the iron horse]

http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/news/...-bullying.html

[Liesje]

It seems that bullying has become more psychological? Like all the 'net stalking kind of stuff. My parents tell stories about when they were kids how people would just creep behind someone and beat a kid up. Maybe it's the schools I went to but I can only remember one (ongoing) instance of a kid physically bullying another kid for no reason.

[Jive Turkey]

Originally Posted by the iron horse

http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/news/...-bullying.html

Did you read past the third paragraph or was the title good enough for you?

[Canadiens1131]

Originally Posted by Headache in a Suitcase

maybe its just the school I work in, but I don't see the same cliq's that dominated high school when I went. Kids are pretty much readily accepted for who they are across the board.

I'd imagine it has largely moved online or outside the classroom. I think the trope of slamming the nerd into the gym locker might be on the decline, but the internet is a terrible, terrible place to be a teenage girl these days.

[Jive Turkey]

Originally Posted by Canadiens1131

I think the trope of slamming the nerd into the gym locker might be on the decline

but they were glorious days, weren't they?

[Canadiens1131]

Originally Posted by Jive Turkey

but they were glorious days, weren't they?

[MrsSpringsteen]

Yes I think it's the way bullying is done now. It used to be kids could escape it once they left school and the school bus. No way would most kids dare to call your house (if they could even get the number) or show up at your house. More likely there'd be a parent there and more likely you'd get your butt kicked (not literally in most cases but the effect is there) by said parents.

Now with kids having cell phones and social media and who knows what else there's really no escaping it. It might be that the no escape factor is more psychologically and emotionally damaging then the actual bullying is. And unless parents constantly check the kids' phones and monitor social media, it can be done so much more without any parental knowledge. All of those factors empower bullies, and take power away from the bullied.

Kids and adults will both bully more when they don't even have to face a person and when they can justify more that their words are just words. I think both are also more likely to gang up on someone than they were before the net and everything else. Anonymity emboldens some people.

You can observe the same types of behaviors on the net that you used to observe in school when kids thought no one was looking. It's just all pervasive and more vicious. Among kids and adults.

[Headache in a Suitcase]

If the parent doesn't constantly check the young teen's cell phone and online activity, that parent isn't doing a very good job of parenting.

I don't think it's ever going away. The so called strong will always pick on the so called weak. It's always happened throughout history, and even happens within the animal kingdom.

In my experience it's much less widespread than it was, and kids in general are MUCH more accepting today than when I was a kid... but that the really bad cases of bullying today are worse than the really bad cases back then because of the power of social media and the internet.

[the iron horse]

Fight back!

Punch the bully in the nose.

[bigjohn2441]

Fat Ass can kick balls! - YouTube

[BVS]

Originally Posted by the iron horse

Fight back!

Punch the bully in the nose.

So you don't practice what the rebel from Nazareath preached?

[canedge]

I always thought focusing on school bullying was was funny because it is so pervasive in 'adult life' as well.

It would be great to see adults lead by example and then have that filter down.

The thing to remember is that some teenage kids are just mustering up the energy to get to school, let alone fight back to bullies.