codeguy
The Fly
Dublin, Ireland, March 31st 2015 (Reuters)
In a stunning revelation that is sure to make Rock music history, iconic rock band U2 has announced 18 dates in the Middle East as part of the upcoming iNNOCENCE and eXPERIENCE world tour, the Irish Times can reveal. A source close to U2 manager Guy Oseary stated: "The Middle East has had a tough time lately, but history shows that a U2 concert can signal the end of a bad era. Sarajevo, Belfast, Johannesburg. Even the Madison Square Gardens shows after 9/11. U2 brings people together, why not Sunni and Shia?"
When questioned about the wisdom of a band with a Christian background hosting a concert tour in a war-ravaged Muslim area, our sources stated that the band has made several accommodations to ensure that local sensitivities are not inflamed:
* U2 will replace the name "Jesus" with "Allah" in 'Peace on Earth', 'Wake Up dead man' and 'One'.
* The belly dancer in Mysterious ways will wear a burka.
* The entire arab-music-flavored No Line on the horizon record will be played, with all versions being the ones before they were watered down.
* The lyrics of "Love and Peace or Else" will be changed so that "Daughters of Zion" will instead read "Children of a mangy STD-infected jewish w**** with three nipples and two horns"
* the shows will end before 11PM so that all attendees can participate in the call to prayer.
The Arab street is reacting with a predictable mix of emotions.
"They got the Bush administration to forgive our loans, I'd say we owe them one" said one man in Mogadishu.
One woman in Morocco was heard stating "I wish the streets had no names, the names are all, like, 'Abu Mohammad Bokhar al-spitface Hussein Boulevard'. It's ridiculous. How can you give directions?"
"You who?" Said a man in Cairo.
"Bono lied. People died" stated a Palestinian refugee, before being corrected by his peers that it was Bush who lied. He then added, "Ok then who the F**k is Bono?"
Although the band has not yet announced the dates, our sources confirm the dates are as follows:
Baghdad Arena - Jan 14,15 2016
Gaza Beach - Jan 18,19 2016
Cairo Stadium - Jan 23,24 2016
Casablanca Auditorium - Jan 27,28 2016
Kuwait City - Feb 2,3 2016
Qatar Stadium - Feb 8,9 2016
Bahrain national Stadium - Feb 12,13 2016
Benghazi former US embassy - Dates to be confirmed
Mosul (location and dates to be announced two hours before the show)
The band is going to great lengths to avoid the image that this is a sunni-only tour. "All the Shia areas are under trade sanctions. Iran, Syria, Yemen. " said the band spokesman. That didn't stop ISIS immediately denouncing the tour as a radical Shia plot to convert Sunnis to Christianity.
Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has stated that the decision to avoid touring Israel demonstrates the latent anti-Semitism that has always been a part of U2. Our band spokesman, meanwhile, confirms that this was merely a security precaution. "I mean", he added, "We're not crazy. Israel is too dangerous!"
Bono was unavailable for comment this morning.
In a stunning revelation that is sure to make Rock music history, iconic rock band U2 has announced 18 dates in the Middle East as part of the upcoming iNNOCENCE and eXPERIENCE world tour, the Irish Times can reveal. A source close to U2 manager Guy Oseary stated: "The Middle East has had a tough time lately, but history shows that a U2 concert can signal the end of a bad era. Sarajevo, Belfast, Johannesburg. Even the Madison Square Gardens shows after 9/11. U2 brings people together, why not Sunni and Shia?"
When questioned about the wisdom of a band with a Christian background hosting a concert tour in a war-ravaged Muslim area, our sources stated that the band has made several accommodations to ensure that local sensitivities are not inflamed:
* U2 will replace the name "Jesus" with "Allah" in 'Peace on Earth', 'Wake Up dead man' and 'One'.
* The belly dancer in Mysterious ways will wear a burka.
* The entire arab-music-flavored No Line on the horizon record will be played, with all versions being the ones before they were watered down.
* The lyrics of "Love and Peace or Else" will be changed so that "Daughters of Zion" will instead read "Children of a mangy STD-infected jewish w**** with three nipples and two horns"
* the shows will end before 11PM so that all attendees can participate in the call to prayer.
The Arab street is reacting with a predictable mix of emotions.
"They got the Bush administration to forgive our loans, I'd say we owe them one" said one man in Mogadishu.
One woman in Morocco was heard stating "I wish the streets had no names, the names are all, like, 'Abu Mohammad Bokhar al-spitface Hussein Boulevard'. It's ridiculous. How can you give directions?"
"You who?" Said a man in Cairo.
"Bono lied. People died" stated a Palestinian refugee, before being corrected by his peers that it was Bush who lied. He then added, "Ok then who the F**k is Bono?"
Although the band has not yet announced the dates, our sources confirm the dates are as follows:
Baghdad Arena - Jan 14,15 2016
Gaza Beach - Jan 18,19 2016
Cairo Stadium - Jan 23,24 2016
Casablanca Auditorium - Jan 27,28 2016
Kuwait City - Feb 2,3 2016
Qatar Stadium - Feb 8,9 2016
Bahrain national Stadium - Feb 12,13 2016
Benghazi former US embassy - Dates to be confirmed
Mosul (location and dates to be announced two hours before the show)
The band is going to great lengths to avoid the image that this is a sunni-only tour. "All the Shia areas are under trade sanctions. Iran, Syria, Yemen. " said the band spokesman. That didn't stop ISIS immediately denouncing the tour as a radical Shia plot to convert Sunnis to Christianity.
Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has stated that the decision to avoid touring Israel demonstrates the latent anti-Semitism that has always been a part of U2. Our band spokesman, meanwhile, confirms that this was merely a security precaution. "I mean", he added, "We're not crazy. Israel is too dangerous!"
Bono was unavailable for comment this morning.
