Bono's emotional strength

[hikerdeb]

Hard to believe it's been almost 10 years since Bono's dad passed away on 21 August 2001. I would have given anything to be at the Earl's Court show that night. In the clips I've seen of it on YouTube, the footage is grainy and there's a lot of camera shake, but I can still sense the intense emotion from Bono and from the audience. It is one of the most remarkable performances I've ever seen, and to this day I don't know how he was able to go straight from his father's deathbed to perform an amazing two-hour concert. You can see how cathartic it was for him, but he must have been completely drained when it was over.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what made Bono the person he is, and how improbable it was that he turned out as he did. When he lost his mother at age 14, there weren't any caring adults in his life who could serve as a support system for him. Bono and his dad weren't getting along then, and he wasn't close to his brother because of the age difference. As he has said, the place where he lived was no longer a home; it was just a house. They didn't even have much real food, instead eating packaged meals that his brother got from the airline where he worked.

My academic background is in psychology and counseling, and I have worked with troubled teens. Here's what usually happens in a situation like this: The kid loses his way. He gets involved in crime or substance abuse; he is depressed and anti-social. (My god, look at Kurt Cobain -- he blamed all of his problems on the fact that his parents got divorced. And they weren't even dead -- they just weren't living together anymore!)

Yet Bono did not travel down that dark path. Everybody who knew him when he was a teenager says he was the same as he is today: outgoing, friendly, warm, kind, generous. How did this happen? Why did he turn out okay when all the odds were against him?

He was lucky enough to be born with emotional resilience, a trait many kids don't have. Something inside Bono allows him to not only survive adversity, but to remain optimistic.

You might assume that his strong faith in God is what made the difference, though I would argue that the reverse is true -- it's his optimism that enables his faith.

I think forming a band helped him a lot. For Bono (and for Larry, who also lost his mother when he was a teenager), the band provided sort of a surrogate family. The bond between the four members of U2 is closer than it is for many people who are actually related to each other, and I think this is why they've been able to stay together for 35 years, through good times and bad.

Another of Bono's strengths, paradoxically, is his willingness to acknowledge his weaknesses. He's not too proud to reach out to others when he needs help -- which is the message he was trying to get across to his father in "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own."

I'm not trying to psychoanalyze the guy (that's already been done, in the book Bono on Bono). I'm just inspired by the way he's able to overcome obstacles and succeed, through sheer force of will. (Look at how quickly he recovered from serious injury last year. That doesn't happen automatically; it takes a lot of hard work.)

Though Bono may have seemed completely opposite from his father in terms of personality, there is one trait that he appears to have inherited from Bob Hewson: stubbornness. Maybe that's what Bono was referring to when he wrote, "If we weren't so alike, you'd like me a whole lot more."

Anyway, I'm glad father and son got a chance to reconcile and have some quality time together near the end. And I would like to thank Bob Hewson, because without him there would be no Bono and therefore no U2.

 

[silkensky]

The fact that he's a Taurus doesn't hurt, which is one of the very strongest emotional signs of the zodiac. Bono understands the human condition so fucking well, just read his lyrics for crying out loud. That's a gift, and true, not very many are born with it.

 

[mama cass]

jeesus, what right do fans have to discuss and dissect such personal stuff? he gives you his music, you want his soul too?

 

[lemonfly]

Many people are very complex, whether because they lost a family member when young, or had a difficult childhood or whatever reason. If Bono had not joined U2, he would just be "another guy" no more or less complex or mentally strong than most of us. No need to cross examine his personality. It's a little creepy imo.

 

[Earnie Shavers]

He grew up on airline food? No wonder he's so small.

The rest, I really wouldn't spend even a minute trying to analyse the guy. There are probably >10 people on the planet who would have ever had a clue. It is a bit creepy, but mostly, it's pointless.

 

[corianderstem]

jeesus, what right do fans have to discuss and dissect such personal stuff? he gives you his music, you want his soul too?

It's a little creepy imo.

It is a bit creepy, but mostly, it's pointless.

That's way harsh, Tai.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

jeesus, what right do fans have to discuss and dissect such personal stuff? he gives you his music, you want his soul too?

I don't see a problem with the topic. I just see a fan who is pointing out the enormous strength it must have taken for Bono to overcome huge physical and emotional obstacles throughout his life. All of this is public knowledge anyway.

 

[LemonMelon]

Bono will never be OK without my love and understanding.

Spoiler

Nah, your post is fine by me. Better than discussing Edge's freckles or some shit.

 

[last unicorn]

I don't see a problem with the topic. I just see a fan who is pointing out the enormous strength it must have taken for Bono to overcome huge physical and emotional obstacles throughout his life. All of this is public knowledge anyway.

I agree, no problem with the issue, in fact, I think about it a lot and I feel there is a point of discussing stuff like that on a U2 forum. It's not like we're invading anyone's privacy. There is nothing that isn't known already. Bono's story is very well documented and he's been quite open about these events in the past. Personally, I'm interested in human nature and in what shapes us und helps us becoming who we are. And Bono IS in some way a role model for many people, me included. That doesn't mean I agree with everything he does or that I embrace everything he says or does, but many of his qualities appeal to me and I find him to be a very interesting, very complex person. I think about the "human" side of the band a lot, because it's very strong and very important, the emotional bond between the band members is special. I care a lot about psychological and spiritual issues, not only because, based on my education, I am a therapist, but also because I have had similar experiences within my own life and with my family. So yes, that issue is indeed very interesting and important to me, and I want to see and understand the human beings behind and beyond the music and all the stuff that comes with being so huge and successful.

 

[mama cass]

i'm sorry but i find it distasteful and intrusive personally... i lost my own mother too young many years ago and if people tried to psychoanalyse my grief or my relationship with her or what type of a person that has made me, i would tell them to fuck off and would feel like punching them, but that's just me

i guess the problem with B-man here is that his loss was very public, as he was on tour at the time in front of his fans, and so some fans seem to have taken "ownership" of the situation and, in my opinion, gone a little too far regarding their entitlements and what is and isn't anyone else's business but B-man's and his family/close friends...

it comes across voyeuristic and intrusive, to me... people should know where to draw the line!

 

[corianderstem]

Well, it's not like he's wondering how many times a day Bono cried about it, or if he has horrible nightmares.

Considering how open Bono has been in discussing such things, whether in interviews or lyrically, it's not so bizarre that people would thoughtfully ponder upon it further.


Whether you want to watch the footage of the show right after his dad died or not .... well sure, then you're entering more of that touchy territory. I can certainly understand people feeling discomfort at the mere idea of watching it, but this post is saying nothing but "gosh, that Bono sure seems to have strong emotional fortitude," and that's certainly not anything we don't already know.

 

[cobl04]

i'm sorry but i find it distasteful and intrusive personally... i lost my own mother too young many years ago and if people tried to psychoanalyse my grief or my relationship with her or what type of a person that has made me, i would tell them to fuck off and would feel like punching them, but that's just me

i guess the problem with B-man here is that his loss was very public, as he was on tour at the time in front of his fans, and so some fans seem to have taken "ownership" of the situation and, in my opinion, gone a little too far regarding their entitlements and what is and isn't anyone else's business but B-man's and his family/close friends...

it comes across voyeuristic and intrusive, to me... people should know where to draw the line!

jeesus, what right do fans have to discuss and dissect such personal stuff? he gives you his music, you want his soul too?

 

[blueeyedgirl]

jeesus, what right do fans have to discuss and dissect such personal stuff? he gives you his music, you want his soul too?

Can we cut it up into inch squares and stick it on bits of paper to sell, like Beatles' bedsheets?

 

[mama cass]

Can we cut it up into inch squares and stick it on bits of paper to sell, like Beatles' bedsheets?

it'll be on ebay before you can blink!

 

[mama cass]

whatever floats your boat cobl

 

[cobl04]

Cobbling.

 

[doctorwho]

jeesus, what right do fans have to discuss and dissect such personal stuff? he gives you his music, you want his soul too?

I usually love your comments, Mama Cass, but this one is just off. Did you really read what Hikerdeb wrote? There was no mention for Bono's soul or deep psychoanalysis. Instead, Hikerdeb praised Bono for his resiliency.

We all know many aspects of Bono's personal life already - Bono has discussed them many times and numerous songs are devoted to these very topics. I would agree with you if Bono had never mentioned these items and was very resistant to doing so. But that's not been true.

Hikerdeb is a bit speculative, but as a teen, Bono could have gone down a dark path as others have done. Something in Bono's constitution wouldn't allow for it. Perhaps the bond he had with his fellow U2 members did provide that stabilization. Hikerdeb was praising Bono for finding such resiliency in the face of so many traumatic events.

This is praise and admiration. The speculation was based on facts - but it was hardly diving deep into Bono's personal life.

i'm sorry but i find it distasteful and intrusive personally... i lost my own mother too young many years ago and if people tried to psychoanalyse my grief or my relationship with her or what type of a person that has made me, i would tell them to fuck off and would feel like punching them, but that's just me

i guess the problem with B-man here is that his loss was very public, as he was on tour at the time in front of his fans, and so some fans seem to have taken "ownership" of the situation and, in my opinion, gone a little too far regarding their entitlements and what is and isn't anyone else's business but B-man's and his family/close friends...

it comes across voyeuristic and intrusive, to me... people should know where to draw the line!

While this second post explains your feelings, it's clear you are projecting. You would be offended if someone wrote this about you as you have not openly discussed these topics. But Bono has. Everyone deals with grief, loss, trauma and/or change in many different ways. I had a major event that occurred in my life when I was 14 - the same age as Bono was when he lost his mother. I know this had an influence on who I am. I don't discuss it though and, like you, would resent others doing it. However, Bono has discussed it - many times.

There are voyeuristic fans or fans who want it all. Bono has even written songs about this topic. I even agree that some fans can want too much or be too personal. But Hikerdeb's post did not fall into that category. And as others wrote, they find Bono an inspiration for overcoming these challenges. Perhaps this is a bit of hero-worship, but is that really so wrong? Because we will all face difficulties in our life. It's good to see how others coped - it gives us hope that we will indeed not be "stuck in a moment" forever.

 

[mama cass]

I usually love your comments, Mama Cass, but this one is just off. Did you really read what Hikerdeb wrote? There was no mention for Bono's soul or deep psychoanalysis. Instead, Hikerdeb praised Bono for his resiliency.

We all know many aspects of Bono's personal life already - Bono has discussed them many times and numerous songs are devoted to these very topics. I would agree with you if Bono had never mentioned these items and was very resistant to doing so. But that's not been true.

Hikerdeb is a bit speculative, but as a teen, Bono could have gone down a dark path as others have done. Something in Bono's constitution wouldn't allow for it. Perhaps the bond he had with his fellow U2 members did provide that stabilization. Hikerdeb was praising Bono for finding such resiliency in the face of so many traumatic events.

This is praise and admiration. The speculation was based on facts - but it was hardly diving deep into Bono's personal life.



While this second post explains your feelings, it's clear you are projecting. You would be offended if someone wrote this about you as you have not openly discussed these topics. But Bono has. Everyone deals with grief, loss, trauma and/or change in many different ways. I had a major event that occurred in my life when I was 14 - the same age as Bono was when he lost his mother. I know this had an influence on who I am. I don't discuss it though and, like you, would resent others doing it. However, Bono has discussed it - many times.

There are voyeuristic fans or fans who want it all. Bono has even written songs about this topic. I even agree that some fans can want too much or be too personal. But Hikerdeb's post did not fall into that category. And as others wrote, they find Bono an inspiration for overcoming these challenges. Perhaps this is a bit of hero-worship, but is that really so wrong? Because we will all face difficulties in our life. It's good to see how others coped - it gives us hope that we will indeed not be "stuck in a moment" forever.

the opening sentence was talking about the anniversary of the loss of Bono's dad - the fact that "fans" mark these private family anniversaries comes across as plain weird, creepy and incredibly intrusive to me, and that is what bugged me... but maybe i am the only one here who feels that way lol! someone's bereavement is an incredibly personal issue and it makes me uncomfortable seeing stuff like that discussed on a fan forum - it's a very private matter...

i am merely expressing my distaste re. this thread... naturally i can only speak from my own perspective and my own feelings re. bereavement, sure... but i think a little respect and sensitivity for certain private issues can be good, no? sure, Bono has mentioned these issues in public at times and that is his right to do so, but it is not the fans' right to take that subject and run with it! it's like the old saying, "you give someone an inch and they take a mile" - sometimes i feel the fans go too far re. personal issues... some things should be off limits surely?

btw, i have discussed my loss in great great detail with my loved ones, family and friends, every nitty gritty detail and feeling lol! but as a fairly private human being, i would resent that intrusion from people i don't know, into that part of my life, so i'm just sharing how i would feel, as a fellow human... none of us are in a position to assume whether Bono would be ok with that kind of thing or not, none of us can claim to see into his head and heart, none of us can claim to know him other than the public persona, so surely people should tread carefully re. such issues anyway?

makes me think of the Yeats poem:

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

 

[last unicorn]

I don't see where in the OP's post the anniversary of the death of B's father is "marked" in any way? It's not as if we found out these things by stalking Bono, it's public knowledge and Bono has been known to display his feelings in public very much - ESPECIALLY in regards to his late father, so no intrusion there.

Caring about the human being behind a public persona, being interested in their personal development isn't creepy - especially in regards to Bono who is living quite a public life and is usually very open about his feelings, experiences, beliefs and such.

I don't see anything offensive with the OP's comments and it surely isn't disrespectful towards Bono. I, too, lost my mother when I was young and I'm still working on dealing with that loss, even though it was so many years ago, but hearing from someone who has had similar experience in his life and learning how they deal with it and what kind of person they've become because of these events is very interesting to me. It's an issue I care about a lot because I deeply believe that these events shape us and thus I'm convinced that B wouldn't be who he is today without these personal losses. I don't know Bono personally, but from what I've seen and heard and read about him I think it's pretty obvious that he's quite an open person who doesn't hold back emotions, that's part of what I admire about him, his humanness. And these issues make him even more human.

 

[mama cass]

I don't see where in the OP's post the anniversary of the death of B's father is "marked" in any way? It's not as if we found out these things by stalking Bono, it's public knowledge and Bono has been known to display his feelings in public very much - ESPECIALLY in regards to his late father, so no intrusion there.

Caring about the human being behind a public persona, being interested in their personal development isn't creepy - especially in regards to Bono who is living quite a public life and is usually very open about his feelings, experiences, beliefs and such.

I don't see anything offensive with the OP's comments and it surely isn't disrespectful towards Bono. I, too, lost my mother when I was young and I'm still working on dealing with that loss, even though it was so many years ago, but hearing from someone who has had similar experience in his life and learning how they deal with it and what kind of person they've become because of these events is very interesting to me. It's an issue I care about a lot because I deeply believe that these events shape us and thus I'm convinced that B wouldn't be who he is today without these personal losses. I don't know Bono personally, but from what I've seen and heard and read about him I think it's pretty obvious that he's quite an open person who doesn't hold back emotions, that's part of what I admire about him, his humanness. And these issues make him even more human.

"mark" as in remember, bring up, discuss, post about

out of interest, do all you guys know/remember the actual anniversaries of when any of your real-life friends lost their loved ones??

 

[lemonfly]

I don't see where in the OP's post the anniversary of the death of B's father is "marked" in any way? It's not as if we found out these things by stalking Bono, it's public knowledge and Bono has been known to display his feelings in public very much - ESPECIALLY in regards to his late father, so no intrusion there.

Caring about the human being behind a public persona, being interested in their personal development isn't creepy - especially in regards to Bono who is living quite a public life and is usually very open about his feelings, experiences, beliefs

I tend to think all we can do is make ASSUMPTIONS about Bono based on what he has chosen to share in public, and for that reason I find it disrespectful to dredge up his deeply personal stuff to discuss on a public forum. There are probably only six or seven people in the world who truly 'know' Bono - his wife, his bandmates, his brother and his closest friends. It's intusive and unwise for fans to think we 'know' Bono because we hear his lyrics and read his interviews. Honestly, we don't know him on a deep intimate level, and nor should we try to.

 

[mama cass]

I tend to think all we can do is make ASSUMPTIONS about Bono based on what he has chosen to share in public, and for that reason I find it disrespectful to dredge up his deeply personal stuff to discuss on a public forum. There are probably only six or seven people in the world who truly 'know' Bono - his wife, his bandmates, his brother and his closest friends. It's intusive and unwise for fans to think we 'know' Bono because we hear his lyrics and read his interviews. Honestly, we don't know him on a deep intimate level, and nor should we try to.

thank you! nice to read some sanity!

 

[Salome]

"mark" as in remember, bring up, discuss, post about

out of interest, do all you guys know/remember the actual anniversaries of when any of your real-life friends lost their loved ones??

none of them did a concert that evening in front of tens of thousands of people
come to think of it, they didn't go to work at all

Bono's decision to go ahead with that show is what makes it part of U2 history, not just a part of his personal life
whether you like that or not is irrelevant

 

[indra]

He brought it into the public domain by discussing it publicly -- many times apparently. If he wanted it to remain strictly private, he would not have done that. And he was no media rookie when he did so either, so he had to have been fully aware that anything he said in those interviews is open to discussion and dissection by friends, fans and foes alike.

 

[doctorwho]

thank you! nice to read some sanity!

Ah, but why is it SO wrong to even lightly touch upon the subject? While I fully agree that sometimes fans want too much (and again, even Bono sees this as evidenced in some of his lyrics), this particular post did not qualify as such, IMO. The original post was very diplomatic and praise-worthy. There was a touch of speculation, but even that was written well.

I guess I just disagree with your somewhat dramatic refusal to even broach this topic in what is a VERY light-hearted, respectful, even worshipful manner.

He brought it into the public domain by discussing it publicly -- many times apparently. If he wanted it to remain strictly private, he would not have done that. And he was no media rookie when he did so either, so he had to have been fully aware that anything he said in those interviews is open to discussion and dissection by friends, fans and foes alike.

Indra makes a good point. For example, the Vertigo tour was delayed twice due to an illness within the U2 camp. They have been VERY quiet about this. Some have speculated, but given that U2 has NOT talked about this, I am fully on your side here, Mama Cass. U2 haven't discussed it, therefore, it should not be an open topic. Some fans will still discuss it, but I choose not to partake, other than wishing them the best.

However, in this case, Bono has been very open and public about the loss of his parents. And this is why I feel some gentle discussion is not so harmful.

 

[mama cass]

Ah, but why is it SO wrong to even lightly touch upon the subject? While I fully agree that sometimes fans want too much (and again, even Bono sees this as evidenced in some of his lyrics), this particular post did not qualify as such, IMO. The original post was very diplomatic and praise-worthy. There was a touch of speculation, but even that was written well.

I guess I just disagree with your somewhat dramatic refusal to even broach this topic in what is a VERY light-hearted, respectful, even worshipful manner.



Indra makes a good point. For example, the Vertigo tour was delayed twice due to an illness within the U2 camp. They have been VERY quiet about this. Some have speculated, but given that U2 has NOT talked about this, I am fully on your side here, Mama Cass. U2 haven't discussed it, therefore, it should not be an open topic. Some fans will still discuss it, but I choose not to partake, other than wishing them the best.

However, in this case, Bono has been very open and public about the loss of his parents. And this is why I feel some gentle discussion is not so harmful.

that's B-man and his big mouth for ya [just messing]

seriously, everyone's entitled to their opinions... i'm sorry i was so harsh in my first post in particular, well i'm not sorry because that really is how i feel about the issue, but it was rude of me to be so blunt... these kinds of threads just make me put my boxing gloves on really... i nearly didn't click on it when i read the title as the title alone made me go "uh ohhhh" but my curiosity got the better of me... i shall step aside and leave you to your discussion...

but Doctorwho "worshipful"??? seriously???

 

[mama cass]

none of them did a concert that evening in front of tens of thousands of people
come to think of it, they didn't go to work at all

sorry last one...

that is a poor excuse! even if your best friend told you about it personally, shared it with you and you're there day to day helping them thru their grief as a real friend, after that, would you not think it weird or invasive to bring up the subject every year, write the date in your diary or whatever you do to remember the date down to the actual day? i dunno? and if you wouldn't behave in that way for someone you really are very close to, why behave in that way re. B-man's father? i don't know, i just can't get my head around it really... it does not seem normal behaviour to me, i'm sorry!

 

[hikerdeb]

I must admit that I am surprised by the reaction to this thread. I did not mean for it to come across as "creepy." I only wanted to explain why I feel that, in some ways, Bono is a remarkable person.

There are so many threads in these forums that ridicule or criticize Bono. For a change of pace, I wanted to express admiration for him. I didn't know that it would be interpreted as intruding on his personal life. That was certainly not my intention. Even though he is one of the biggest celebrities in the world, he is entitled to his privacy. I would not bring up any subject that he himself has not discussed publicly.

 

[last unicorn]

sorry last one...

that is a poor excuse! even if your best friend told you about it personally, shared it with you and you're there day to day helping them thru their grief as a real friend, after that, would you not think it weird or invasive to bring up the subject every year, write the date in your diary or whatever you do to remember the date down to the actual day? i dunno? and if you wouldn't behave in that way for someone you really are very close to, why behave in that way re. B-man's father? i don't know, i just can't get my head around it really... it does not seem normal behaviour to me, i'm sorry!

I'm sorry but I think you're beginning to sound rude here. If you cannot deal with this subject and don't want to contribute anything constructive to the discussion instead of just blocking it right away, I think you should keep out of this thread. I find it problematic to judge if a behaviour is "normal" or not. I don't think anyone is marking the day of the death of Bono's dad in his/her calendar. It's just common knowlegde - maybe also because it tragically coincides with the day of Bono's and Ali's marriage. Is remembering their wedding day also "not normal"? Or remembering the band member's birthdays? All of this stuff is public knowledge, you don't have to dig deep or stalk someone or do investigation to find out about this. If they want to keep quiet about a personal issue - i. e. the illness of Edges daughter Sian - they do it and they have every right to do so and everyone has to respect that. Bono is an extravert, he has to act out his feelings, thus it seems right for him to step in front of an audience and sing about his grief. Artists sometimes do that, writers write about it, painters paint it, dancers, performers, actores, musicians - they have all their various ways of dealing with their grief, often in public. In psycho therapy, on of the first things you learn is that the stuff that makes you sick is the one you hold inside - not what you express because expression is an effective way of coping with personal issues like losses.

I think it's sad that this very interesting discussion has gone down the wrong way because it shouldn't be about what kind of behaviour we consider "normal" or about what fans should and shouldn't do. I thought it should be a discussion about Bono as a person and since he's a public person and has been so candid and open about many personal issues throughout the band's carreer, I don't see why this discussion should not be going on.

For me, it's interesting to discuss the personality of someone so complex and interesting like Bono. There are so many negative things written about him and people are so quickly prepared to judge him based on some superficial impression they have of his public persona. We have a subforum here that deals with U2 and spirituality. Some people consider this to be very private and personal, too, still it is discussed here. I don't see a problem with that either. Bono's spiritual life has been discussed by him on many occassions. Maybe there are a lot of things one could learn from people like Bono and maybe one can also find some guidance, strength or comfort in seeing how Bono, who's made of flesh and blood after all with his good and bad sides, who is perfeclty flawed and a very complex human being, deals with personal issues beyond his stage persona. I am certainly interested in this discussion and if anything it helps me to gain even more respect for the man.