U2 Stand Up Comedy

I wish I could explain this. I can't. I was extremely tired and I just started typing whatever weirdness popped into my head. I meant no offense, I was simply trying to be funny.

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My dog just let a monstrous fart that lasted his entire trot of our backyard. Sick animal. Billie Joe Armstrong, you're a sick individual.

I wish I could make a U2 caption like that but they don't duct tape themselves to each other.The only time I've seen U2 with duct tape, Adam's crotch was involved. Bono was doing a See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Fuck No Evil thing I guess. Maybe teaching Adam a lesson after Naomi. Though that's really good advice for anyone. I mean, a guy doesn't want to wake up one morning discovering his girlfriend's decided it's Lorena Bobbit Time. And no girl wants to wake up to Patrick Bateman who's literally eating her out. So Fuck No Evil. Sage advice from PopBono.

You know Bono says God's phone number is 333. You know what you get if you dial 333? An operator asking what the fuck you've been smoking. Last I checked, that was not God. Though I suppose one would have to be smoking something to try to call God on the phone. I wonder if god accepts text messages. I bet He follows Edge on twitter. And Bono is jealous.

Am I high? Nope. I haven't tried to call God. Of course I'm not.

I wonder how bad Adam would be if he started stonedtexting.
Adam: Edge. I can't feel my face. And I sound purple. Bring over some red paint and thirty boxes of Oreos.
Edge: Why?
Adam: To balance out the blue! What if I turn my whole house purple? It won't be yellow anymore.
Edge: Adam. Stop texting me when you're high.
Adam: But Bono and Larry already blocked my number.
Edge: Then turn your phone off and go to bed, genius.
I dunno. I doubt Adam would have that sort of stonedtexts.Probably just random half-cocked babbles about nothing. Yes. I did imagine him jerking off when I said that.

You know, You never see Adam in a tank top. Like ever. You think he's embarrassed of his old man moobs? Some of those beach pictures, I wish Bono was embarrassed of his fat ass moobs. I don't think Sparks likes the beach. You never see him out with the other guys on a boats or anything. He wasn't seen in the infamous grape smuggler pictures. I guess since it involves being outside he refrains. Well being outside AND having to DO stuff. Then again they seem to get hammered at the beach and Adam stays away from that too.

I hope he drunkdialed back in 91. I hope he drunkdialed pretending to be MacPhisto.
Ads: Hello, my name is Mr. MacPhisto. I need a cab to take me to my hotel.
Taxi dispatch: Alright, sir, and where are we picking you up?
Ads: The Plaza. Oh, fuck. I'm already at my hotel. What the fuck are you calling me for? I'm a fucking rock star. Never call here again. *slams the phone down*
Larry: Edge. Adam's drunkdialing cab companies again.
Edge: Oh God. I'll distract him. You unplug the phone cord.
Larry: Last time we did that, he threw the phone out the window.
Edge: That's a chance I'm willing to take.

I just tried to type "Bono" and it came up as "gono". Then I wondered what Bonorrhea is. Probably what half of PLEBA suffers from. One mention of Bono and they start dripping from their orifices. Bonorrhea. I invented a new, wholly disgusting word. The cure for Bonorrhea? The Cure. Bobert Schmidt. Nah. There's a funnier cure for Bonorrhea. Um... Maybe there's no cure. And the only symptom is a burning sensation when you post in Leather Day threads. I could make a public service announcement about the dangers of Bonorrhea. Interference would thank me. Don't let Bonorrhea happen to you. Always use the proper protection when posting in PLEBA.

Are you ever glad No Pants O'Clock isn't an actual observed time of day, like teatime? That would be weird to live in a society where "Oh, it's half eight. Time to take my pants off." Of course there are those who strip in public. Kids. Old people with dementia. Bono who's halfway between both.

You know, I'm not about to buy just anyone's cockatoo. But if it looked like Tré, I might make an exception.

I'm falling asleep and God only knows what more randomness I can come up with. Maybe I should call Him and ask. I dunno. I bet it's a bitch of a long distance call. You know. To heaven and all. Wouldn't want to see that bill.
"Why is our phone bill a hundred thousand dollars?"
"I called God and He put me on hold."
Even Heaven has crappy customer service. Next time: call Hell. You'll get through faster.

I was going to bed wasn't I? Ok. Good night.