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Introspective

Posted 11-23-2005 at 09:42 PM by Party Boy

As this is a journal, I guess I can talk to myself and be as introspective as I want.. so here goes.

The closer I am getting to moving to Toronto, the more reflective I am getting about my time in London, where my life has gone and where it is going to. I just got home at nearly 2.30am to a bedroom in a house in London that contains a newly borrowed set of bedclothes from a housemate.. and little else. Of course, most of my belongings are en-route to toronto but, being the age of 33, I wonder if i should have more to show for my life. At my age, my mother already had 6 children. I however, continue to lead the nomadic gypsy-like lifestyle of always wanting to move and live somewhere else. When I think of the person i was when i first moved to London in June 1999, I don't recognise him. I was so innocent and up for new experiences. I've done a lot of those new experiences and I am not so innocent. Probably London has been too good to me in some ways. But I dont want to stay the person I am.

The reasons for leaving London?

I honestly don't know. The fear of staying in one place and waking up some tuesday morning the future and realising, is this it? Is this all that life is about? So in avoiding having to answer that question, I keep on moving, meeting lots of people, leaving lots of people, forgetting lots of people, and living in my xth town or city or country.

My parents are supportive but dont understand me while my friends think I am mad leaving everything in London for Canada where i know no one, no where to live, no car, no phone, no immediate family or friends close by. Up till a week or so, i really never gave it much thought but as my impending departure date creeps nearer, I am becoming a little scared and nervous, which has created, for the first time in my life, a longing for some sort of grounding, some sort of place I can call home.
Having lived and worked in a number of different countries, I thought this would be just another move, but somehow now it feels a little different which in itself is scary, but it has over the past few weeks made me thing a lot about my past.

I guess you could say I've done an awful lot more in my 33 years than a lot of other 33 year old's I know have done. I've travelled to over 50 countries, lived quite a decadent lifestyle when I was younger, could have (maybe should have) been married and have generally taken life on a see how it goes kind of way.

It was my choice to move to Toronto. After over 6 years in London, the decision time was to either settle down or move. There was no way I wanted to settle down. So now I find myself moving to a new country and city where I know NO one. That in itself is not a big problem as I have faith in my ability to meet people.. but.. I don't want to keep moving all my life. I think I am at the point where I want to stay in a place and put some sort of roots down.

When I talk to people about this, they say things happen for a reason. Which is bullshit. Things happen if you make or want them to happen. The problem is that I dont want to be like anyone I know. I don't want to have my life mapped out for years to come. i dont want to be worried about washing a car on a sunday morning or mowing the lawn. Yet I crave something more that I have not yet found. I don't know if that is a certain place or someone or lifestyle.

I guess its not often a 33 year old can move to a new country and city starting his life 100% again. Its scary and exciting. I guess at the moment I am stuck in scary.
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  1. Old Comment
    kobayashi's Avatar
    I expect you'll love Toronto. It is a fantastic city in a fantastic country.
    permalink
    Posted 11-25-2005 at 02:18 PM by kobayashi kobayashi is offline
 

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