what is going on

what is going on with you

you mean you feel the same way

but I thought you were all better last week

I'll talk to you next week

You mean you're not better

You sounded better yesterday

AVALANCHE!

Pull yourself from reality

For the briefest of time

And relax amongst this

Subtle state of mind

And even though the turmoil

It's still there

It's ignored

and I am still here

It has been incredibly difficult lately. Trying to grip onto anything to keep me still hanging on. I guess if anything, I am still here. I haven't walked off the edge.

The last few weeks it is just constant anxiety in my chest. I have palpitations all the time and can't relax. Going out in public is a nightmare.. I haven't been having full on panic attacks.. but I usually feel so anxious that my heart aches. There is a huge lump in my throat, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach....

The last few weeks I have been falling in and out of depression and dealing with crippling anxiety. The latter lately has been making me feel very strange. Like I'm not here, like I'm watching myself in third person. I am anxious no matter where I go and it seems like I can not find a place to be that I feel truly at peace.

I was in the woods yesterday and the birds were landing and handfeeding and I was calmed by them. I also felt really disorientated at the same time, which...

Two weeks ago today I was unconscious. I had tried something. Tried to end the lines, to stop the blood, to end the pain. Call it what you will, you know what I'm talking about. I have been on stress leave for quite awhile now. All the things that I ignored and thus thought I had got over, all converged at me at once. No body armour, I was defenseless.. and even with my fiancee's words of love I was crushed. And I was doing something before I knew what was going on. And then I was undone. Inside...