Carrying around a big secret

[Russty Cat]

I was just posting about this on another thread and it just got me to thinking how hard it is to keep secrets from your family or friends.

Luckily most of my friends are people who love me and even if they don't agree with me still treat me with love and respect. As for my family I don't think they would give that same unconditional love, which is so sad.

I feel like I'm leading a double life, because of this. I talk to my family, but can't really tell them what is going on in my life. How I really feel, cuz I know they would be angry and upset that I was going against everything that they or supposedly we believe in. But how long can you live with something eating away at you? Even if you never act on your feelings it still hurts to know that you can't truly be yourself with people who are supposed to love you no matter what.

So I guess I'm confessing something here, cuz I feel like you guys might understand and I'm not doing this to hurt the one I love. I hope that she can understand that its just so hard for me not to say this outloud anyplace. And heck some of ya already know, cuz your not idiots and I'm horrible at hiding secrets.

I'm a married woman with 2 kids who is in love with another woman. I've been married for almost 9 years and I've never felt the love that I have in my heart now, till I met my friend 5 months ago. She is an amazing friend and someone that I feel so blessed to know and have in my life. Its a long distance relationship which is so hard. But I won't ever regret the past few months of love. My husband knows all about us and has accepted it. I think he always knew before we ever married that I was a different person and he accepted that fact when he decided to marry me. We married very young for all the wrong reasons and now we are paying the price for that. But because we have 2 great kids we are doing the best we can to hold things together. Its so hard not being able to be with the one that I love. I do care for my husband still. He is a great guy, an amazing dad, a wonderful friend and a caring husband. I can't imagine not having him in my life. He has taken care of me for the last nine years.

So for now we are one big confused screwed up family. We just try to love and respect each other and be honest about everything. But I still worry what will happen one day when my kids are grown up and move on with their lives, either I will hate myself for staying and living a lie or finally we will throw in the towel and call it a day and move on. It just sucks knowing that, because of a great love someone will eventually get hurt.

 

[For Honor]

That is a tricky situation. The price of love isn't cheap, I know that much. I think that great that your husband is so considerate of you. usually, I would say that it is wrong to put your family in a risky situation like that, even it means bearing some sorrow or loss - sacrificing for the team the unit. However... I know love can be rather overwhelming at times...

Your husband seems to be a damn good person. I would hope you respect him down the road, and remember his sacrifices to allow you more happiness. It does sound, though, like you are doing some good things - with the respect and honesty.

I can't stand love triangles of any sort. It's not within me, it's not my way, it's not what I do. Of course someone will probably end up getting hurt, but hey - you brought in on yourself, so you'll have to face it. I hope you can make the right decisions, whatever they may be.

That being said, you never know what the future will hold. Don't be surprised if some things change - they will. But there's no telling in what way


[quote But how long can you live with something eating away at you? Even if you never act on your feelings it still hurts to know that you can't truly be yourself with people who are supposed to love you no matter what.[/quote]

I know that feeling. Not in the degree you feel here, I'm sure. But it is a very strange thing to have a distance between those who care about you in your family, and yourself. Especially when you feel like you have to put up that distance, like you need to, even though you'd rather not. Oh well, maybe I'm just considering myself too much, again...

 

[Liesje]

I think you need to do what is truthful to yourself and how you feel. It's not your fault you feel that way. It will hurt your family at first, but sticking together just for the sake of sticking together won't work out in the long run. Your kids will be on to it and they will start to feel guilty that you're sticking together, making yourselves miserable just for their sake.

I wish I had more specific advice to offer. I do know my boyfriend's aunt married a man knowing he was gay, but they felt like maybe something would change. It never did and then ended up getting divorced so Ken could be happy with a male partner and Phil's aunt could find a new relationship.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

It always sounds hokey to me, but this is an instance where being true to yourself really rings true. It will be difficult for your family at first, but if this is something you really, truly want and can't live without, they will eventually understand and support your decision.

Best of luck in all of this.

 

[Russty Cat]

Thanks you guys. Its definetly a hard decision to make, but it felt better in a way just to be able to say it out loud in a way.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about all of this, but in a way there are some decisions that I can't make for other people that are involved. I've decided for now just to know that a love like this is possible is worth all the pain that goes with it.

I hope one day that all of us can find what we need to be happy and safe. I grew up with two parents who didn't love each other and I don't want that for my kids. So I hope at the end of all of this my kids will realize that we are doing what we feel is best for them and that later on they will understand.