How to handle spouse that DETESTS U2!!!

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mama cass said:
i mean, this is a U2 fansite, and most people here are bound to take his side really and shout his wife down...
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I beg to differ.....for the most part, all i have read is unbiased, balanced and honest views on the situation, with very little u2 being brought into the equation. I think most people have managed to see the situation for how it really is.
 
mama cass said:
i think Mellow Moog should perhaps seek more objective help if he thinks there's a real problem in his marriage, U2-related or not...

i mean, this is a U2 fansite, and most people here are bound to take his side really and shout his wife down...

if you really think there is a problem MM, how about going to talk to a counsellor or something?? to get a truly objective perspective?

i'm really sorry to hear about your loss MM - i too lost my mother to cancer when she was still very young... but i have to say, really, it was my husband and my friends who got me thru the darkest part of my life... i couldn't listen to any music whatsover for a few years after that as i guess music just sparks so many emotions and feelings, and i was just trying so hard to keep myself together emotionally for various reasons... but then a few years later when ATYCLB came out, i started listening again, and some of those songs really touched me, and i could relate so much, and i do think it's pretty special when there is that moment of recognition and relating in a song... but, in my experience, it was my husband who held onto me tightly, my newborn baby who brought me so much joy in a dark time, and my friends at the end of the phone or at the end of a hug, that got me thru... it was those concrete things, and the music was just an extra help...

perhaps your wife is feeling a little resentful of you saying how U2's music has helped you so much in the difficult times in your life... maybe she feels you think they helped you more than she has? i dunno...

just thinking out loud and trying to see both sides here... i just feel life is bigger than a band's music that's all, and i don't think it's worth jeopardising your marriage over if you truly love each other... that's why i think counselling could be good because maybe then you could identify whether it really is your U2 fandom that is the problem, or whether your wife is just a control freak or something...
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Thanks for taking the time for this detailed response.

I have mentioned marriage counseling before but my wife is an incredibly private person with her feelings and said she could not talk to a stranger about them.Unfortunately, the 2 closest people to my wife were her best friend and my mother, both who have passed away in the last 6 years so she doesn't have anyone really close to her anymore which I know is very hard for her.

I agree about being a U2 fansite maybe being biased towards another U2 fan but I think you are slightly underestimating people's responses here which have been neutral and don't give me a free pass either.

Life is bigger than any band, but a band who touches you on such an emotional and primal level IS part of your life. Any denying it is like denying who you are. Music has and always will be a major part of my life. My wife knew that when I married her. She likes to listen to music but she does not have that deep a connection with music which I respect.

My wife has helped me deal with a lot in life and is my partner and my best friend now and I hers. That's what's scaring me right now. If this does go pear shaped, god knows what'll happen.

Anybody found a way to STOP loving U2? Any U2 song that if played over and over could be like detoxing???? The antidote for loving U2??? :help::crazy: ;)
 
mellow moog said:
Unfortunately, the 2 closest people to my wife were her best friend and my mother, both who have passed away in the last 6 years so she doesn't have anyone really close to her anymore which I know is very hard for her.
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hi again mellow moog... if your wife has lost the 2 people closest to her recently (6 years is recent when it comes to grief), maybe this explains why she is being so insecure and clingy with you?? as maybe she feels you are all she has left??

mellow moog said:
I agree about being a U2 fansite maybe being biased towards another U2 fan but I think you are slightly underestimating people's responses here which have been neutral and don't give me a free pass either.
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i didn't mean that in a negative way - i was just stating the obvious really, that everyone here is a U2 fan like you and can see your perspective very easily... i was just suggesting you get some feedback from someone who isn't a U2 fan, so as to get an outside perspective...

mellow moog said:
Life is bigger than any band, but a band who touches you on such an emotional and primal level IS part of your life. Any denying it is like denying who you are.
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see now... with all due respect, MM, if my hub said this to me, i would be a little worried... it sounds extreme to me... if something gets so big in your life that it has the potential to damage your life then i think it has become a problem... a band doesn't make you who you are as a person imo...

mellow moog said:
My wife has helped me deal with a lot in life and is my partner and my best friend now and I hers. That's what's scaring me right now. If this does go pear shaped, god knows what'll happen.
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that is a hell of a lot to lose there mellow moog... if you love each other and are best friends, you are a very lucky guy!

mellow moog said:
Anybody found a way to STOP loving U2? Any U2 song that if played over and over could be like detoxing???? The antidote for loving U2??? :help::crazy: ;)
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why do you have to stop loving U2? the songs are always there, you will always have their music, no?

i don't mean to come across harsh... it makes me sad reading this... i just really hope you can find a good balance or happy compromise somehow... :hug:
 
gman said:
I beg to differ.....for the most part, all i have read is unbiased, balanced and honest views on the situation, with very little u2 being brought into the equation. I think most people have managed to see the situation for how it really is.
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i know gman, but we're still all U2 fans here aren't we... i think a different perspective on this could be very helpful...
 
mama cass said:
hi again mellow moog... if your wife has lost the 2 people closest to her recently (6 years is recent when it comes to grief), maybe this explains why she is being so insecure and clingy with you?? as maybe she feels you are all she has left??



i didn't mean that in a negative way - i was just stating the obvious really, that everyone here is a U2 fan like you and can see your perspective very easily... i was just suggesting you get some feedback from someone who isn't a U2 fan, so as to get an outside perspective...



see now... with all due respect, MM, if my hub said this to me, i would be a little worried... it sounds extreme to me... if something gets so big in your life that it has the potential to damage your life then i think it has become a problem... a band doesn't make you who you are as a person imo...



that is a hell of a lot to lose there mellow moog... if you love each other and are best friends, you are a very lucky guy!



why do you have to stop loving U2? the songs are always there, you will always have their music, no?

i don't mean to come across harsh... it makes me sad reading this... i just really hope you can find a good balance or happy compromise somehow... :hug:
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Sorry but I was being sarcastic about detoxing from U2.
Music is but a part of my life, not my whole life but it is important to me, the same way that art, sport or even origami are big to other people. I don't think that makes me extreme.I really don't.
Everything you do and like adds upto you. It makes you who you are.
 
mellow moog said:
Sorry but I was being sarcastic about detoxing from U2.
Music is but a part of my life, not my whole life but it is important to me, the same way that art, sport or even origami are big to other people. I don't think that makes me extreme.I really don't.
Everything you do and like adds upto you. It makes you who you are.
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oh sorry! i didn't spot the sarcasm! my sarcasm radar is on the blink today...

of course there isn't anything wrong with having interests and things in your life, but a healthy balance is vital

well... i really hope you can get to the crux of the matter, and things work out ok for you... good luck with it all...
 
bonoz said:
Jealousy? how does jealousy come into this?
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Jealousy is a big factor if your partner cannot accept that he isnt't the only one you have an emotional connection to.

Depends on the partner, of course.

And it's not just about being fan of a band, it can also be about having friends, both male or female.
 
Well if you like U2 so much that your partner feels they have to compete for your affection, then yes, that IS a problem. And it is your problem. Simple as that. People need to grow up and realize how real life works.

EDIT: And that applies to both men and women.
 
bonoz said:
Well if you like U2 so much that your partner feels they have to compete for your affection, then yes, that IS a problem. And it is your problem. Simple as that. People need to grow up and realize how real life works.

EDIT: And that applies to both men and women.
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I think you're wrong here.

But I'm glad I don't have a jealous partner now. I could never live with someone again who wants my undivided attention and thinks that I cannot have other things in my life that are important for me emotionally. I would simply be very unhappy if that happened again, and I know this because I've experienced it.

Some people just need more freedom than others, and sometimes a partner is able to accept that and be tolerant and sometimes he/she isn't. There is no generalisation, people are different. U2 have been a great source of joy in my life, and I would never let anyone take that away from me. People who love me don't even try to.
 
last unicorn said:
I think you're wrong here.

But I'm glad I don't have a jealous partner now. I could never live with someone again who wants my undivided attention and thinks that I cannot have other things in my life that are important for me emotionally. I would simply be very unhappy if that happened again, and I know this because I've experienced it.

Some people just need more freedom than others, and sometimes a partner is able to accept that and be tolerant and sometimes he/she isn't. There is no generalisation, people are different. U2 have been a great source of joy in my life, and I would never let anyone take that away from me. People who love me don't even try to.
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You don't have to let go of your passion for U2. Not even slightly. You just have to be a grown up about it. Your spouse doesn't want to hear all the things you'd like to do to Bono, or how you'd rather be with him. You'd have to be in a position like that of your spouse to know how they really feel. If your life revolves around U2, everyday is U2, every dinner conversation about U2, etc., then yeah it is a problem and again.. it's your problem.
 
bonoz said:
You don't have to let go of your passion for U2. Not even slightly. You just have to be a grown up about it. Your spouse doesn't want to hear all the things you'd like to do to Bono, or how you'd rather be with him. You'd have to be in a position like that of your spouse to know how they really feel. If your life revolves around U2, everyday is U2, every dinner conversation about U2, etc., then yeah it is a problem and again.. it's your problem.
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Luckily, I don't have that problem.

I hardly talk about U2 to anyone outside the fan community, except if someone is asking me something about them or the concerts or whatever. There's a lot of other stuff I am interested in, but of course I need a certain space where I have the opportunity to be a U2 fan and live that passion, just like I need a certain private space to live my passion for art, music or literature.

And don't worry, I'm keeping my Bono phantasies to myself :wink:
 
mellow moog said:
Anybody found a way to STOP loving U2? Any U2 song that if played over and over could be like detoxing???? The antidote for loving U2???
Click to expand...

1) Read the lyrics to Elevation 10 times in a row and be amazed by its stupidity.
2) Refrain from playing their records for 3 months. Them play them all at random and realise that they have had better days and you saw them when they were at their peak..

Maybe that helps.

In all seriousness. Counceling is definately an option here. No band in his galaxy is worth marriageproblems and that includes our 50 year old heroes from Dublin. I don't think the band is the real issue here but that is a bit difficult to judge from behind a computer. Good luck!:up:
 
Seems like Mrs. Mellow Moog needs to feel like she is a priority for her husband, and she does not. One post mentioned that she did not have outside interests. So what about the two of you doing something together, and let her pick (eg, dance lessons, art class, whatever). And definitely a non U2 connected vacation, even if it is just a long weekend (assuming the money is not an issue). Also, she may be irritated at the money that you spend on U2, because she is not spending comparable sums on herself. So maybe a talk about finances (assuming you do have enough in total) so that she can feel free to spend a similiar amount on stuff she likes and you don't.

You probably do need to go to a counselor, too.
 
zwervers2 said:
1) Read the lyrics to Elevation 10 times in a row and be amazed by its stupidity.
2) Refrain from playing their records for 3 months. Them play them all at random and realise that they have had better days and you saw them when they were at their peak..

Maybe that helps.

In all seriousness. Counceling is definately an option here. No band in his galaxy is worth marriageproblems and that includes our 50 year old heroes from Dublin. I don't think the band is the real issue here but that is a bit difficult to judge from behind a computer. Good luck!:up:
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A mole diggin in a hole...A mole diggin in a hole...A Mole diggin in a hole......
ITS WORKING!!!!!! :D:D:D
Unfortunately, playing their new stuff wont put me off as I think NLOTH overall is incredible. Magnificent being one of my favourite U2 songs along with 11 Clock Tick Tock and All I Want Is You.
 
mellow moog said:
Unfortunately, playing their new stuff wont put me off as I think NLOTH overall is incredible. Magnificent being one of my favourite U2 songs along with 11 Clock Tick Tock and All I Want Is You.
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:love: :love: may i just say you have excellent taste in u2 songs. :up: :wink:

oh and to be serious, good luck. i'm lucky in that anyone i've ever dated has been as much of a fan of u2 as me or were at least that way with someone else. so it's never been an issue for me. i can't imagine if someone expected me to give up my passion for u2 - or any band really as i'm that passionate about several others too. it's tough, and i really hope you and your wife can work through it. :hug:
 
MM - I think the key point so many have made seems to have been overlooked - does your wife have any interests of her own? Hobbies? Does she work outside the home? If not, what does she do all day? Does she have close friends besides you?

It just seems like until the answer to all of these questions is yes (except work outside the home, I recognize people do not have to be employed to have a fulfulling life), the issue you two have will not change - she is jealous of you having an outside interest, because to her, this means 100% of your time and attention is not on her.

U2 is not the issue at all. You could stop listening to U2, never go to another concert, etc., but even then I doubt whatever you did would be enough for her, simpy because, if she doesn't have her own passions/interests/job/hobby, she will always be jealous of your outside interests. If I were you, I would really encourage her to develop outside interests. That way, you two may be able to bring a new dynamic into the relationship, one of shared mutual interests, and respect for each other's individual interests.

Good luck to you, MM! :wave:
 
I'm working from home this week so that's winning me some brownie points I think!:angel:
I'm still toast for Tampa next week but ah well. At least I know I'll be seeing them next year. If I wasn't I might be pushing for Tampa.

My wife was greatly impacted by the death of her best friend and my mother. I have tried to get her to find other interests but she says she always so tired with running the house (We have 4 dogs and 6 cats!!! Yes we are crazy!!!) she doesn't have energy for anything else.
I'm trying to get her interested in doing some volunteer work with me so I'll see how that goes.
 
ramblin rose said:
Are you sure about Tampa? It's like an overnight trip. :wink:
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You're killing me Rose!!!:banghead::banghead::censored::censored:

She has started reading the Me & U2 book but I'm not bringing ir up to keep the peace.
My problem is that I would: Fly home from Chicago thrudsay night, Leave early friday for Tampa, come back sunday morning then fly out sunday night. Not exactly quality time and no the wife absolutely will not go.
Enjoy the gig please and if the gods have ordained that I be at Tampa or not at Tampa for the gig, I'm at peace with it.:crack: No Really...:crack::crack::crack:
 
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