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Old 05-23-2006, 03:09 PM   #286
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LJT

The Children's Television Workshop

Sesame Street, USA - In an effort to clean up his image, disgraced icon LJT offered to sponsor an episode of the childrens television program Sesame Street, but The Children's Television Workshop, the group responsible for putting Sesame Street on each day, refused.

"We just don't think that today's program should be brought to you by LJT," said William "Grover" Paulson. "It's just not the association we want kids to make with our show."

In January LJTs road to ruin began with what appeared at first to be a traffic stop due to a moving violation. "I pulled over this 1978 cadillac, thinking it was Oscar [Le Grouche] out boozing again. I was gonna take him down to detox again, no big deal. But when I get up there, some dude with long hair starts throwing bottles at me. Full bottles. Of liquor. No way Oscar's gonna waste good alcohol. That's when I called for backup." So says Officer Gordon Robinson. "30 years on the job no one's ever thrown a bottle at me."

Backup arrived. Says Officer Luis Rodriguez, "I got there and I knew that it wasn't Oscar. I had arrested him earlier in the night for harrasing Big Bird. I threw him into lockup, so when Gordon called and said Oscar's Caddy was out, I knew what was up. When I threw Oscar in the drunk tank, he was screaming at me, calling me all sorts of names. Well this time I had a little spiel prepared, so I guess as I was orating, LJT got out. I had picked him earlier for trying to solicit Alice [Snuffleupagus]."

LJT crashed the Caddillac into the Lemonade Stand, seriously hurting Elmo and putting the car out of commition. With the two officers in pursuit, LJT jumped out of the car and brandished what appeared to be a gun. He picked up the wounded Elmo, put the gun to his head and threatened to kill if the officer's came any closer.

CWT reporter Kermit the Frog arrived shortly after with his film crew and began broadcasting the events, which eventually ended when LJT fell asleep as Elmo "bored the shit outta me with his stupid goddamn songs".

Two weeks later, after posting bond and being placed on probation, LJT struck again. This time breaking into the General Store, once owned my the late Mr. Hooper, and stealing items. He stands trial for vandalism as well as theft as the phrase "THIS BREAK-IN BRUGHT 2U BY LJT!? STFU! AHAHAHGGG>....." was found written on the wall.

In March, LJT's standing on The 'Street was further hurt by allegations that he had been living with alleged drug dealer Paul "Cookie" Monster. Mr. Monster, through his lawyer, denies any relationshp with LJT . "Mr LJT and I have had as much contact as you would have with any of the people in your neighborhood. In your neighborhood."

In April, a tearful LJT went on SSTV. In an interview with Mr. Frog, LJT said, "Growing up on the Street, it's hard. Whenever we would play 'One of these kids is doing his own thing' I was always the one doing his own thing. Smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, freebasing heroin, beating a cop....you know. I used to think it was cool, used to think I was a rebel....but now I see...I'm just scared. Scared of the real world."

During the intervew JLT vowed to work hard and raise enough money to bring the world an episode of Sesame Street. "You'll see, Frog, you'll see. One day the show will end with the magical words, 'Sesame Street was brought to you by LJT.' And then I'll feel I'm on the right path."

Yesterday LJT went to the CWT's main offices and offered to pay for an episode with money he made helping Mr. Monster with his sanitation business and by running errands for Terence "Telly" Lodispoto. He saved up enough to produce one full episode and even got Snoop Doggy Dog to guest host. The CWT turned him down.

"We have ample sponsorship for the program at this time. We appreciate LJTs offer and we hope in the future to work with him on a program. Snoop Dog will appear on Wednesday's show as planned, but it would brought to you by the Letter K and the Number 7."

LJT will face trial on June 23rd.
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Old 05-23-2006, 03:43 PM   #287
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Old 05-24-2006, 10:07 AM   #288
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damn that's good
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Old 05-25-2006, 11:51 AM   #289
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JackintheBox

The Chasitity Belt

"It's cold out here, Belt. I need to get back into my box. I'm freezing out here."
"Ain't no way you getting back into this box...not without a ring."
"Baby...you know I love that box...c'mon. Let me back in...."
"I don't see no ring, Jack. No ring, no box. End of discussion."
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Old 05-25-2006, 01:41 PM   #290
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Well aren't you the clever boy-are you related to Denny Crane?
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Old 05-25-2006, 02:30 PM   #291
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James Spader

Andrew McCarthy


James Spader: A little lingering doubt, perhaps Andrew McCarthy?You know, you gotta give her credit. After you dumped her, she went out and found herself probably the most interesting date...

Andrew McCarthy: James...You buy everything. You couldn't buy her, that's what's killing you.

James Spader: I don't wanna listen...

Andrew McCarthy: James. That's it, James. She thinks you're shit. And deep down, you know she's right.


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Old 05-25-2006, 03:40 PM   #292
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What about me?
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Old 05-25-2006, 03:48 PM   #293
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what about you?










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Old 05-25-2006, 03:49 PM   #294
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You know what I mean
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Old 05-27-2006, 07:41 PM   #295
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Uber beaver = Douglas Adams

“well you can’t simply go back, it’s against the rules, and that’s that.”
“you sure? I mean if you allowed Jesus to get away with it, and half of all the bleeding hindus, why not me? Me thinks, you might be a wee bit impartial in this respect.”
“you leave my son out of this! That was a totally different situation. And as for the hindus, that has nothing to do with me, it’s part of an imbalance in the equat…”
“ah, so you have seen the Matrix! I knew it! I just knew it! All of you preachy types, pretending like you never watch Tinsel town trash, EVERYBODY watches the puree with sick fascination”
“look erm, what exactly is it that you want again?”
“well, it’s simple. I want to go back. Look at it this way, nobody will have to know about the Carry On DVD series you’ve got hidden back there.”
“HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW ABOUT THAT?????”
“well, you just told me – so do we have ourselves a deal then?”
“not quite. It is technically against the rules for you to go back, but…I could cook up something by borrowing a page from the Hindus”
“wot are you talking about?”
“well you can’t go back as yourself, but I could arrange to send you back in another body, how’s that sound to you?”
“oh wait, and since you were famous and all as a notable English writer, it might be slightly more prudent to send you back as a Yank – they’re notoriously well known for corrupting the language.”
“I can’t go back as an American!”
“no-no, you need to annunciate as though you had an incurable sinus problem, it is “C-A-N-T” …focus on the “N” or else this will not work – try it with me”

“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
"C-A-N-T ”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”

“Enough! My ears are bleeding, you’ve got it right!...now there is one other little thing that remains…”
“and wot, pray tell, might that be?”
“well you must remain invisible, erm, not call any attention to yourself or your cover might be blown – I’m afraid no more best sellers for you”
“but that’s everything! You C-A-N-T ask me to stop writing! It’s my life!”
“hmm, you have a point, I wouldn’t want you back here just after you left, how about you tone it down a notch or two eh? Let’s see…perhaps try your hand at something on the net? Find a niche for yourself somewhere online where you can express yourself”
“heya, big guy, I know just the scene, there’s this bunch of weirdos devoted to something called U2, I could spot a home there and do my thing!, I’ve been tinkering around with this idea for people’s alter egos”
“that sounds splendid Douglas, quite a gimmick, I’m certain you’ll be very good at it too, sounds exactly like your scene”
“Grand! Settled then it is, thanks a tonne old man!”
“Douglas, it’s T-O-N, and chips in America are what come inside shiny plastic bags. You would do well to remember such differences. Might I suggest you start off in a neutral place like Canada? Work your way down to America, like all other Canadians do”
“yeah perhaps, but no thanks, I can’t exactly be in a country that is proud to have a “loony” as its coinage, yuck! Wait, I have an idea, you have a point in that it is going to take an effort getting accustomed to Yanglish. I should position myself closer to the 49th, that way I could get away with a few errors here and there. New Yawk Baby! New Yawk!”

Sigh.
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Old 05-27-2006, 07:43 PM   #296
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Uber, Douglas Adams is/was one of my favourite writers, you've got a great wit about you. reading the entire segment was a lot of laughs. Kudos.
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:00 PM   #297
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So my archnemesis would be God, Himself? Bitchin'. It's on, dude, it's fuckin' on.

Thanks for the story and the compliments. Both appreciated. I've never read Adams, but always meant to get Hitchhiker's Guide.

Thanks again.
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Old 05-30-2006, 10:35 AM   #298
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very funny.
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Old 05-30-2006, 11:51 AM   #299
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Don't make fun of the delicate genious



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Old 06-14-2006, 09:52 AM   #300
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Lemonchick

SugarDaddy

"Damn, girl, you know how we do. How long it been now? 6 weeks? 6 months? 6 years? What? Only 2 days? Damn. My heart feels like it been dragged 'cross the floor, stepped on, beat up and burned. You hurt me, chick. You done got up and walked out on me, I damn near cried. And SugarDaddy dont' NEVER shed no tears. Not when my puppy dog died. Not even when my goldfish, TruPlaya, passed on to the better place. Shit, my momma's funeral didn't even get me misty, but when you walked out the other day, I felt it, water building up back behind my weary eyes. You see what you do to me? You see? I can't roll right when you walk out on me. Let me break into song right here: OH - I CAN'T ROOOOOOOLL RIGHT....WHEN YOU WAAAALK OUT ON ME. OH GIRL, I GET ALL SWERVY. MY WORLD GOES TOPSY TURVY. SUGARDADDY DAMN NEAR CRYI-what? Does that song not please you? Then I'll write you another. Let me do it to you this way: HER NAME IS SOUR, BUT MY GIRL'S SO SWEEEETTT - what? I have? WHen? I don't remember even singing that one before....least not out loud. You hear me in the shower maybe? Whoa, baby, why you leavin? You don't like my singin? WHAT? Whatchoo mean you don't like my singing? Damn girl. DAYUM. How many songs I written for you over the years? LIke...a milion or something. And you tell me now you don't like me singing....MY GIRL GOT AN EVIL HEART. SHE WAITS SIX YEARS INSTEAD OF SAYING RIGHT FROM THE START - don't tell me to stop. I can't just stop. It's what I do. I'm a singer of love songs, baby. And with you walkin out all the time, I gots tons of material for the flipsides too. SHE WALKIN' OUT AGAIN. SHE WALKIN' OUT THE DOOR. SAYS SHE CAN'T TAKE ME NO MORE. WELL I SEE HER OUT THE WINDOW AND I'M SINGIN' LOUD TO LET HER KNOW, YOU WILL BE BACK, LIKE A FAT MAN AND A HEART ATTACK, WE WILL BE TOGETHER. SHE WALKING FASTER NOW, ALMOST OUT OF HEARIN RANGE, SO I'M PICKINH UP MY TELEPHONE, DIAL YOUR NUMBER NOW.....HELLO? IT'S ME. YOU ALMOST GOT SO FAR AWAY, BUT YOU MISUNDERESTIMATED TECHNOLO-JAY. I KNEW YOU WAS GONNA HANG UP, SO I'M CALLIN' YOUR HOME PHONE, I GONNA LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU....HELLO? THIS IS SUGAR DADDYYY. CAN YOU PLEASE HANG UP SO I CAN....LEAAAAAAAAVE A MESSAGE ON THE MACHINE....FOR LEMONCHICK....THANK YOU BRENDA....TAKE CARE NOW.........I'M REDIALING NOW....RING ONCE, RING TWICE, RING THREE TIMES AND THERE GOES YOUR MACHINE, I"M WAITING FOR BEEP NOW....BEEEEEEEP.... GIRL, YOU KNOW WE BELONG TOGETHER, SUGAR DADDY AND THE LEMONCHICK. AIN'T NO OTHER MAN GONNA TREAT YOUR RIGHT. NOT LIKE ME. NO. NOT LIKE ME.......CALL ME BACK......BYE."
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