Varitek
Theo Epstein
V: Hey, Theo. Welcome back. Where you been?
TE: Detroit - whoa, Capitan, I am diggin that blouse. How much?
V: Oh, I dunno. I got it is a gift. $50, maybe? It's pretty nice. Thanks.
TE: 3 million.
V: What?
TE: For the blouse, 2 years, 4 million. Deal?
V: What? You want to buy my blouse?
TE: 3 years, 8 million. Deal?
V: Yeah. Sure.
TE: Great. Let me put something in writing. Excuse me, I got to make a phone call.....(he dials a #) Hello? Yes, this is Theo Eprstein, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox. Can I speak to ... D'Kimba Moutneyergarheth...sure....thank you....D'Kimba? Hey, Theo Epstein....Listen - 5 years, 20 million...Wait - 6 years - 30 million, eh? .... you drive a hard bargain D'Kimba, I like you. Fine, 8 year, 72 million. Allrighty buddy, looking forward to seeing you in April. Stay fit buddy. (hangs up) YES!!! YES!!! I got em.
V: Who is that?
TE: D'Kimba Moutneyergarheth. He's from Senegal.
V: Senegal? Didn't know they played ball over there.
TE: I got him all set up to cover the left field area.
V: Left? But what about Manny?
TE: What about him?
V: Well, he's out there in left. I don't think he's going to be happy about -
TE: Oh, no no no. D'Kimba doesn't play left field. Come on, walk with me, talk with me. I need a drink. (they go the vendng machine. Theo puts a fifty into the coke machine) Come on? $50! Fine (He puts in another $50) These friggin machines these days, they drive a hard bargain. FINE, FINE, you got it! $200 (he puts in a $100 bill) and presses the "COKE" button.)
V: Uh...yeah. Those are 75 cents.
TE: Listen Cap, it looks like it's 75 cents, but what you're not seeing is it's potential.
V: It's a soda.
TE: No - it's a coke, an American classic. Like baseball and D'Kimba Moutneyergarheth.
V: I thought he was from Senegal.
TE: Yeah, but soon, he'll be like a cola. See?
V: No.
TE: That's why I'm the GM and you're the catcher. When did you become a chick, anyway?
V: It just sorta happened. Anyway, back to the Senegal guy. Where are you going to put Manny?
TE: Manny plays left.
V: You said this D'Kimba guy was going to be in left.
TE: No, I said he'd COVER left.
V: I don't follow.
TE: D'Kimba is a janitor.
V: Oh..wait. What?
TE: Yeah, I was in Detroit last week, some big high rise building they got. I went to take a leak, right, and when I looked down into the urinal, you know what I saw?
V: Uh...I can imagine. Yeah.
TE: No, I saw my face.
V: Sorry?
TE: The urinal was so clean, I could see my face. Now, imagine Fenway with a bathroom full of urinals so clean a fan can come to a game and see his goddamn reflection! GODDAMN, it's beautiful.
V: You just sign a janitor to an 8 year $72 million deal?
TE: Not just a janitor, Senor Capitan, D'Kimba Moutneyergarheth. From Senegal.
V: That is fucking insane.
TE: Hey, listen up San Juan Capitano, this is my club. My call. D'Kimba is going to bring the people to Fenway. We are buildling the organization around him going forward.
V: He cleans BATHROOMS, THEO! What is wrong with you?
TE: Uh...you know....when you put it that way.....heh....it does seem kinda ..... odd.
V: Well, yeah. You ok?
TE: OK. Listen. Don't tell John Henry a thing. I want this to be a surprise.
V: You're still going to do it?
TE: Yeah. I gave my word.
V: Dude, Theo. Come on.
TE: OK, I'll give you 12 million for your silence.
V: THEO!
TE: 15 million, and a better parking spot.
V: Jesus man.
TE: - FINE! 20 million, better parking spot, use of the corporate jacuzzi in the off season.
V:......$22 million and I want a big "C" painted in the parking spot. And I want my face on the yearbook. All this in addition to what you're paying for my blouse.
TE: You drive a hard bargain Captain VeriKirk. Done! This is going to be awesome. YES! I've never been excite to take a leak!