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Old 04-17-2006, 09:51 AM   #166
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ZeroDude

Infinity Man

K, the truth is: I'm not really sure if ZeroDude is out to ruin me, if he wants to bring the team together, if he just wants to go out and get a cup of coffe. I honestly don't know. Bottom Line: I can't understand him. I have no WTF he's talking about. It's like one day he started reading Ulysses and his brain never came back to us.

Here's an example. One day, I'm in the ZeroCave and I'm eating some Frankenberry. He sits down next to me and as I put the sppon to my mouth he says, "Ah, my old compatriot. You bear aloft thine silver utensil at an angle obtuse, this the effect of such an act will be to have the bovine extract dribble subadjacent to thine chin. Mayhaps a supericumbant method would be to actuate said spoon in a method causing it to remain perpendicular to your scowling face." I kinda just looked at him and was like, "What? You want some Frankenberry?....or like, Coffee?....Glass of milk?..........Should I......like....leave?" And he didn't answer me. Like I was the weirdo. He said the word subadjacent. I had to look that shit up. I didn't think it was even a word. But it is. It means below.....fyi.

SO anyway, I left the ZeroCave, and broke the alliance. I mean, it was like we'd go out to fight crime, or whatever we did, and I'd be there with a perp hanging over the side of a building, and he'd call out, "Sanction upon our oppugnant an alms of manumission with the caveat that our rival shall in perpetuity rejoinder no more." And I'd be like, "What?" And the dude I'm holding was like, "Did he tell you to drop me?" And I'd be like, "Uh...SHUT UP you no good villian........DUDE - WTF?" And then he'd fly away. I mean, how in the hell can you be on a team with someone you don't understand? I know it's English, but last time I checked understanding Finnegan's Wake was not a goddamn crime fighting requirement.

So I started my own gig. I mean, I guess I have no hard feelings. I wish I could say the same about him, bu in truth, I have no fucking idea what he thinks. He tells me, but I can't understand. I ran into him a few weeks back. We were both on a rooftop downtown. I think we were both tracking some low level hoods that were connected to a large conpsiracy in some way. Well, we both followed them here. I saw him on the other side and he turned to me. I didn't know if I should reach for my weapon or just hear him out, you know? I said, "Hey. How's it going?" And he replied, "Adeptly." Huh? So I wasn't gonna say, "Oh, that's good" cuase I don't know what adeptly even means. So I'm like, "Oh...could be worse." And he says, "Ill disposed am I not to thee, I kumtux that betwixt us a valley, Brobdingnagianm, collosal, uncrossable. Yet, in perpetuity shall the past endure. And for that, I am beholden." And then runs off. So do I follow him and kick his ass? Do I give him a hug? I have no idea.

But if anyone asks, he's my goddamn archnemesis.
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Old 04-17-2006, 10:01 AM   #167
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Circa1992

The Carbon Dater

We are led to believe that sometime around 1992 Circa1992 burst onto the scene. If this is so that would mean that Circa1992 could not be responsible for the 1990 murder of The Carbon Dater's family. "It's all just a damnable pack of lies. Circa 1992 was there. S/he was the one that ordered the hit. I know this. Circa1992 is in fact the crime lord known as Bennie Big Head. I believe that through reconstructive surgery s/he has changed his/her appearance and age to put him/her out of the realm of possibility as to being a suspect in the murder of my family in 1990.

If I can just get a sample of his/her DNA, skin, hair, whatever, I can use my carbon based powers to proove once and for all that Circa1992 was on the scene well before 1992. Circa my ass. One day that smple will be mine, and I will publish my findings and everyone will see that Circa1992 is an animal and should be tried and found huilty and thrown away for life.

My powers are honed. this is my life work. I can now accurately age anything perfectly, plus or minus 35,000 years. You'll be mine Circa1992, or should I call you Bennie? huh?"
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Old 04-17-2006, 11:56 AM   #168
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Quote:
Originally posted by UberBeaver
..., "Ah, my old compatriot. You bear aloft thine silver utensil at an angle obtuse, this the effect of such an act will be to have the bovine extract dribble subadjacent to thine chin. Mayhaps a supericumbant method would be to actuate said spoon in a method causing it to remain perpendicular to your scowling face." I kinda just looked at him and was like, "What? You want some Frankenberry?....or like, Coffee?....Glass of milk?..........Should I......like....leave?" And he didn't answer me. Like I was the weirdo. He said the word subadjacent. I had to look that shit up. I didn't think it was even a word. But it is. It means below.....fyi.

...I'd be there with a perp hanging over the side of a building, and he'd call out, "Sanction upon our oppugnant an alms of manumission with the caveat that our rival shall in perpetuity rejoinder no more." And I'd be like, "What?" And the dude I'm holding was like, "Did he tell you to drop me?" And I'd be like, "Uh...SHUT UP you no good villian........DUDE - WTF?"

...he says, "Ill disposed am I not to thee, I kumtux that betwixt us a valley, Brobdingnagianm, collosal, uncrossable. Yet, in perpetuity shall the past endure. And for that, I am beholden." And then runs off. So do I follow him and kick his ass? Do I give him a hug? I have no idea.
I don't know about the rest of you guys, but for a vocabulary nerd like me, this is one the funniest damn things I've seen in a while.


1,000,000 stars Uber!!
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Old 04-17-2006, 04:47 PM   #169
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Quote:
Originally posted by UberBeaver
ZeroDude

Infinity Man

K, the truth is: I'm not really sure if ZeroDude is out to ruin me, if he wants to bring the team together, if he just wants to go out and get a cup of coffe. I honestly don't know. Bottom Line: I can't understand him. I have no WTF he's talking about. It's like one day he started reading Ulysses and his brain never came back to us.

Praise be upon your wayward wit! For a beaver hast surpassed the harbinger of loquacious aptitude; legerdemain! Soothe thy sequestered dalliance!

Joyce.

I have to admit though, that you were nearly on the money.

Nevertheless, understanding Finnegan’s Wake is very much a requisite ability in regards to the prevention of hyper criminality.
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Old 04-17-2006, 04:52 PM   #170
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oooh me me!!

...whenever you have the chance, of course.
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Old 04-17-2006, 06:55 PM   #171
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Old 04-17-2006, 08:52 PM   #172
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Oh, sorry about that. My chances were 50/50. I guess wrong. No offense.
None taken! I loved it!
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Old 04-18-2006, 10:17 AM   #173
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Beav, you're witty banter and clever stories are the light in my dark , cold, void, meaningless existance !!
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Old 04-18-2006, 11:42 AM   #174
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Quote:
Originally posted by ZeroDude


Nevertheless, understanding Finnegan’s Wake is very much a requisite ability in regards to the prevention of hyper criminality.
I bet Wolverine never ready it. And he's a total badass crime fighter.
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Old 04-18-2006, 12:12 PM   #175
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FlySoHigh

The DEA

In a white van outside FlySoHigh's house.
"We in place?"
"Yes sir. We should have audio in a second....there it is."
"OK, Silence. Listen close. As soon as we get the chance, we move. Today, the DEA brings FlySoHigh down to earth and into a cell."

*static* *sounds of laughter* *enventually voices come through the head phones*

"Dude...are you talking about lettuce?"
"Lettuce?"
"Yeah, did you just say you have lettuce around the back yard?"
"Lettuce?"
"Yeah....didn't you ... uh, were you just talking about lettuce?"
"Uh...I don't....lettuce?"
"Yeah."
"Like salad?"
"I guess so...you said....uh...I dunno."
"Me either."
"Dude....you got, like...uh food?"
"Food?"
"Yeah."
"Like lettuce?"
"HAHAHAHAHA.......um...you got, like, chips? Or cookies....no, no cookies.....chips? I like...um, you got like....salty food? And soda? Or water?....or YOO HOO. OH MAN I WANT YOO HOO."
"Salty? Like....yeah. Dude, I got, um, rufffles."
"Ruffles have Ridges!"
"heh...LATTICE!"
"What?"
"I was talking about lattice before...in the yard....you, uh, said lettuce....but I was talking about....lattice."
"Ohhh.....what the fuck is lattice?"
"A...uh...like a fence...I think."
"Why were you talking about that?"
"No idea."
"Ruffles...have....ridges."
"Heh...yeah."
"This is some good ..... whoa. Wow. Dude. I can't move."
"Me either."


Back in the van:
"Now sir?"
"No. Unfortunately, there are no laws against laziness or Ruffles. AT least, not yet anyway."

"So like....dude.....uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Try that. Just say uuhhhhhhhh for as long as you can."
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
"Your throat will tickle in a few seconds."
"Uhhhhhh ohhhh, ow, yeah. That hurts man. UHhhhhhhhh. Ouch. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahahhhhh - HAHAHAHAHAHA, sonov a ....... I can't breath HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, holy sh-hahahahahahaha."
"I"M DYING OVER HERE! HAHAHAHAHA, Holy Jeez- HAHAHAHAHA. you FELL! HAHAHAHA."
"I FEEL! HAHAHAHA."

In the van:
"Sir, it sounds ugly in there. SHould we move?"
"No, dying is legal. Thank God for that. Let them die. Two less scumbags on this planet. People like this make me ill. Just listen to them. I'm disgusted."


"You fell off the couch - DUDE! You totally fell! HAHAHAHA!"
"DUDE! HAHAHA, I like, fell! I think I'm bleeding!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"DUDE, I am totally bleeding. Like from my head! HAHAHAHA!"
"AHHHHAHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHH I'm dying over here! This is AWESOME!"


"Sir, if they die on our watch, are we responsible? Isn't there a rule that we have to save someone in danger?"
"Hell no. We're the DEA. We WANT people to die. That's our job. And if they don't, we arrest them. BAM. Just like that."

*silence*

"Sir, you think they're dead? I haven't heard a thing in a few minutes."
"Hm...maybe. We can hope, can't we?"

*crunching*

"Sir, I hear something....it sounds like...crunching."
"Hm, that must be some kind of Marijuana machine. What else crunches in such a manner?"
"Hm...it could be a marijuna machine. Sounds like the ones we learned about in class."
"We could be the first to actually find one of these machines. If we act fast, we can get in there before they get a chance to hide the Marijuana machine. OK, we're gonna go for it. This is it fellas, we're going to be first to actually bring one of those dreaded machines in. On 3....1 - 2 - 5 -"
"3 sir."
"3 - GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO"

The DEA rushes the house, kick in the front door. FlySOHigh and an unnamed accomplish are sitting on the couch, chomping Pringles.

"Whoa."
"Dude....Are those your parents?"
"Uh...no. Wait...no. Definetly not."

"ON THE GROUND, ON THE GROUND! WHERE'S THE MACHINE?"
"Machine?"
"Yes, the marijuana machine?"
"What machine? They make a machine for marijuana? What's it, like, do?"
"ON THE GROUND!"
"Where?"
"THE GROUND!"
"I don't see a machine onthe ground. What?"
"He's right sir, there is no machine on the ground."
"Damn you flysohigh. DAMN YOU! We will catch you, and your machine. One of these days. I'll never give up. NOT UNTIL YOU ARE OFF THE STREETS!"
"Technically, sir, he's on the coach."
"It's an expression, jackass. Let's go boys. He won this battle, but we'll win the war. C'mon."

The DEA leaves.

"Dude...did....was that real?"
"I was gonna ask you. That was fucked up."
"I am soooo f'd up, bro."
"Heh...pringles?"
"Abslutely."
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Old 04-18-2006, 12:50 PM   #176
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The Quiet1

Mothers around the world.

Never trust the Quiet 1. The Quiet 1 is the crazy one. He's the one that'll throw you in the back of a van, drive to the woods and cut you up. He'll wear your skin as a jacket. It's always the Quiet 1. Stay away from him. He's no good. He's insane. You never know what the Quiet 1 is thinking, but trust me, it's no good.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to say the same thing as LikeNoOneBefore though- I'm a girl. But it's still great!
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Old 04-18-2006, 01:08 PM   #177
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Beav, Flysohigh archnemesis had me laughing out loud at work w/ tears streaming down my face

"Whoa."
"Dude....Are those your parents?"
"Uh...no. Wait...no. Definetly not."


Pure genious...I picture Floyd (the Brad Pitt character) in True Romance when the bad guys come in looking for Alabama & Clarence
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Old 04-18-2006, 01:36 PM   #178
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I'm afraid I'm gonna have to say the same thing as LikeNoOneBefore though- I'm a girl. But it's still great!
Listen, you women need to denote so in all posts from here on in. Preferably with pictures.

Sorry about the mixup.
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Old 04-18-2006, 01:39 PM   #179
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Beav, Flysohigh archnemesis had me laughing out loud at work w/ tears streaming down my face

Thanks, man. I was afraid it was kinda weak.
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Old 04-18-2006, 01:57 PM   #180
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Listen, you women need to denote so in all posts from here on in. Preferably with pictures.
:lowell:

I'm a woman. Specifically, I am The Edge's mother.
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