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Old 09-21-2005, 12:11 AM   #46
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Bill Maher was better when he had his show politically incorrect. He is still funny, but he is no longer an "independent thinker". Now he is just a dedicated Bush basher without an objective bone in his body. His base is the liberal side of the democratic party, Hollywood, and anything that moves at Heffs mansion. This is also the crowd that fills his studio for every show of Real Time. I must admit though, it was fun watching his show a few days after the 2004 presidential election.
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Old 09-21-2005, 03:35 PM   #47
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Bill Maher was better when he had his show politically incorrect.
Agree 100 %% with you there !!
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Old 10-19-2005, 02:11 AM   #48
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NEW RULES - October 14, 2005

All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody! New Rules!

Ready? New Rule: For Halloween, President Bush must go as either a cop or an Indian. This week, Bush dressed up like a construction worker. He's also been a biker, a Navy man, and of course, a cowboy. You know, for a guy who's anti-gay, he spends an awful lot of time dressed like the Village People.

New Rule: Boy George must now be called "Man George." Come on! You're no longer a hot British chick. You're Uncle Fester. And, by the way, over the weekend, Boy George got busted for cocaine possession. And now everyone is saying the same thing: "He had money for coke?"

New Rule: Stop making those motorized scooters look so damned fun! When I see those TV commercials with old people zipping around, it makes me wish I was paralyzed with Type-2 diabetes.

MILLER: Touchy.

MAHER: New Rule: In her next movie, Charlize Theron has to be sexy again. We get it. You're a serious actress. Now how about playing a lesbian superhero named Nympho? Or that hot teacher in Florida who bangs her students?

New Rule: Stop introducing a new iPod every month. First came the original, then the Mini, then the Shuffle, now the Nano. It's so slim Kate Moss uses it to cut her cocaine. Look, Apple, I'm sure the next one will be so advanced that when you play R Kelly, it'll feel like he's peeing right on you. But I don't need that. I just need it to download the podcast of my new book! New Rules, available on iTunes, Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.

And finally, New Rule: The Christian Right must 'fess up about what they really don't like about Harriet Miers. It's not that she's a cipher who lacks experience. My God, George Bush is your president! And his qualifications for high office were his name and his solemn pledge to not over-think sh**.

And it's not that you're not sure that she'll do your bidding on abortion. Does the cross around her neck have to light up for you? No, it's not that Harriet Miers' views are a mystery. It's that her genitalia are a mystery. You see, Republicans have issues with sex, or as they call it, "inserting pork."

Undefined sexuality in women makes them nervous. For Harriet Miers to have reached the age of 60, no kids, never married - ooh, gosh, we can't put our finger on it, and apparently neither can she.

BROWN: Too much!

MAHER: What are you, Harriet? We need to know. We don't trust Bush anymore, so we're not going to play, "It's Pat" with you. Because there are only three possibilities if you've never married or had kids by 60. She's either an asexual figure, sort of like Clay Aiken without all the estrogen. You know, androgynous, like the way we thought about Michael Jackson back when we still liked his records. But this sort of barrenness is threatening to the Republican base because they're generally people who hate sex and are bad at it. So they fear that their own population will dwindle because there won't be enough Republicans willing to f*** each other.

Harriet Miers isn't using the equipment God gave her for making babies, and that's just wrong. It's like God giving you a beautiful garden and you not strip mining it for coal.

Now, possibility two is that Harriet Miers is a practicing lesbian, which is sinful if done correctly. But here's where it gets thorny, because if she's not a lesbian and she's not a virgin, well, then she must be a slut!

Among social conservatives, sex is to be tolerated only as long as it's joyless and toy-less, and, most importantly, within a marriage. But we certainly can't have jezebels like Harriet Miers - think they can just use their genitals for pleasure and then waltz onto the Supreme Court! What would we tell the children?

How about this? Why can't she just be somebody who likes to live alone? Not co-dependent. Single because she likes it. I hope Harriet Miers is having a rich, guilt-free sex life. You go, girl! That's what should be normal. Not Tom DeLay, whose dick gets hard when he f***s somebody out of something!

As for Harriet Miers, I don't care if she's a lesbian or a virgin or a slut or a - well, yes, there is a crazy fourth possibility, which is that she's one of those, you know, chicks with dicks. But if that were true, you'd think I'd have run into her in the chat rooms by now!

All right, that's our show. I want to thank my guests: Max Cleland, Tina Brown, Larry Miller, Tom Wolfe, Richard Pennington and John Edwards. Thank you very much, folks. Have a good night.
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Old 04-25-2006, 02:54 AM   #49
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Part of the New Rules from 4/21/06:

And finally, New Rule: Democrats have to claim their rightful place as the party of environmental protection. Now...for way too long, Republicans have been getting away with rolling their eyes when anyone mentions the planet. You know, as if it's "Smurf Forest" we're talking about instead of the one and only place we can survive!

Now, tomorrow is Earth Day, when President Bush gets his picture taken in front of a tree and Dick Cheney shoots whatever flies out of it. And, as despicable as this administration's record on the environment is, it never was their issue. But Al Gore made a living in the Senate talking about the environment. He makes a living talking about it now. It's just when he was running for president that he shut up. And that's why Democrats keep losing. They don't stand up for what they believe in, yes, like "girly-men", from making the counter-argument.

"How can we explain climate change in a 30-second campaign ad?" Oh, I don't know. How about this: "The Republicans want your children to die." There, I did it with 28 seconds left. Is that scaring us? Well, somebody ought to.

How come the Republicans can pick seemingly bogus, random issues like activist judges and boys kissing, and Mexicans pouring over our borders, and get everyone all worked up about it, and the Democrats can't figure out how to demagogue Armageddon?

Hey...you know what else is pouring over our borders? Greenland. You know, Republicans do a lot of things badly, like plan wars and balance budgets and...dance. But they sure understand that the winner in an election is the one who scares the most crap out of the voters. "Gay marriage!" "Terror alerts!" "The war on Christmas!" How long before Janet Jackson's tit strikes again?! And it's a lot bigger now.

But the environment is real. You can smell it. In parts of Houston, you can grab hunks of it with your hands and use it to lube your car! And if there is a single face you might want to use to personify this evil, he was in the news this week: the retiring and handsomely-compensated chairman of Exxon Mobil, Lee "Fat Bastard" Raymond. [photos shown of Lee Raymond and character "Fat Bastard" from Austin Powers film]

If Lee looks like he's been eating the earth, he has. Even worse, his company has been paying for fake science to confuse people into thinking global warming was still too iffy to act on. You know, if the Democrats can't make this prick into their Willy Horton, they are so pathetic, they might as well go ahead and nominate for president that nice blonde lady who married Bill Clinton. You'll thank me in a year.

Ladies and gentlemen, I literally fear for my kids' future, and I don't even have kids. Glacier National Park in Montana, you know, named for its glaciers, had 150 glaciers when they opened. It's got 26 left today. If we don't take care of places like Montana, we're going to faced with an even bigger problem: gay married men with absolutely no place to go fishing.
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Old 04-25-2006, 04:39 AM   #50
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i am going to see bill maher do a show on the 13th
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Old 04-25-2006, 03:01 PM   #51
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cool!
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Old 05-22-2006, 08:50 PM   #52
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He will be on David Letterman on Friday, 5/26/06
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Old 08-26-2006, 02:40 AM   #53
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He's back.... first show of the new season is/was this evening

I was surprised & happy to see Elvis Costello on as well
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Old 08-26-2006, 04:43 PM   #54
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i don't have HBO anymore
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Old 09-11-2006, 01:12 PM   #55
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He's back!

Mocking Bush is my patriotic duty
A comedian explains how cruel jokes about the president can stop terrorism.
By Bill Maher

Sep. 08, 2006 | New rule: Bad presidents happen to good people. Amid all the 9/11 anniversary talk about what will keep us safe, let me suggest that in a world turned hostile to America, the smartest message we can send to those beyond our shores is, "We're not with stupid." Therefore, I contend -- with all seriousness -- that ridiculing this president is now the most patriotic thing you can do. Let our allies and our enemies alike know that there's a whole swath of Americans desperate to distance themselves from Bush's foreign policies. And that's just Republicans running for reelection.

Now, of course, you're gonna say, "But Bill, ridiculing Bush is like shooting fish in a barrel," or, as Dick Cheney calls it, "hunting." Maybe, but right now it's important, because America is an easily misunderstood country these days -- a lot of the time it's hard to make out what we're saying over the bombs we're dropping.

But we are not all people who think putting a boot in your ass is the way to solve problems, because even allowing that my foot lodged in your ass would feel good, which I don't -- what then? OK, my boot is in your ass, but I can't get it out, so I'm not happy, and it's in you, so you're not happy -- there's no exit strategy.

Anyone who opposes the indefinite occupation of Iraq shouldn't be labeled an al-Qaida supporter. That's like saying that if I tell my exterminator that there are more efficient ways to rid the house of vermin than hitting them with a hammer, I'm "for the rats."

Questioning whether it still makes sense to keep troops under fire is supporting the troops. Asking for a plan supports the troops; asking when they'll be leaving supports the troops. Sitting around parsing the definition of "civil war" doesn't support the troops, it supports the president, and he's not a soldier, he just plays one on TV.

So yes, for the sake of homeland security, I ridicule the president -- but it gives me no pleasure to paint him as a dolt, a rube, a yokel on the world stage, a submental, three bricks shy of a load, a Gilligan unable to find his own ass with two hands. Or, as Sean Hannity calls it, "Reaganesque."

No, it pains me to say these things, because I know deep down George Bush has something extra -- a chromosome. Cruel? Perhaps, but it may just have saved lives. By doing the extra chromosome joke, I sent a message to a young Muslim man somewhere in the world who's on a slow burn about this country, and perhaps got him to think, "Maybe the people of America aren't so bad. Maybe it's just the rodeo clown who leads them. Maybe the people 'get it.'" We do, Achmed, we do!

And that's why making fun of the president keeps this country safe. The proof? I've been doing it nonstop for years, and there hasn't been another attack. Maybe the reason they haven't attacked us again is they figured we're already suffering enough.

If I could explain one thing about George W. Bush to the rest of the world it's this: We don't know what the hell he's saying either! Trust me, foreigners, there's nothing lost in translation, it's just as incoherent in the original English. Yes, we voted for him -- twice -- but that's because we're stupid, not because we're bad. Bush is just one of those things that are really popular for a few years and then almost overnight become completely embarrassing. You know, like leg warmers, or Hootie and the Blowfish, or white people going, "Oh no you di-int."

So while honoring the anniversary of September 2001, we must also never forget September 2000. That's the month when Gov. George W. Bush said, "I know that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully." If you don't believe me, you can look it up on both internets. The world changed on 9/11. He didn't. That's why we owe it to ourselves, and our children, to never stop pointing out that George W. Bush is a gruesome boob. Full disclosure: Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh will be Maher's guest on HBO's "Real Time" on Friday, Sept. 8, at 11 p.m. EST.


-- By Bill Maher
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Old 11-04-2006, 07:00 PM   #56
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the HBO site is always a week behind it seems in posting the 'New Rules'. These are from 10/27:

October 27, 2006

It's time for New Rules, everybody! New Rules!

All right, New Rule: If you forgot to buy Halloween candy, just say so. Don't hand out random crap from your kitchen. Last year, there was a guy on our block who was handing out batteries and mini-packets of soy sauce. I got so pissed, I had half a mind to poke him in the eye with my fairy wand. [photo-shopped photo of Maher in fairy costume]


New Rule: Stop calling homosexuality an unnatural act. [photo of elk "threesome"] Look, here it is occurring in nature. As it does in over 1,500 animal species, including humans. You want to see an unnatural act? Go see Cirque du Soleil.

New Rule: Women must admit that Halloween is just an excuse to dress like a whore. Ladies, nurses don't wear fishnet stockings. Kittens don't own pushup bras. And real French maids don't shave their underarms. Now — now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for women getting in touch with their "inner slut," but, 'fess up, Halloween has become less about candy and more about the "Haunted Ho's." Besides, if I've got a steady stream of half-dressed tarts showing up at my door all night, how will I know when my date arrives? I'm glad I'm not running for senator in Tennessee.

New Rule: The next Republican National Convention must be held in a giant closet. Every week, there's a new gay Republican outed. I have a feeling that big tent they're always talking about is in their pants! There are so many Republicans in the closet, their symbol shouldn't be an elephant; it should be a moth!

And finally, New Rule: America must stop bragging that it's the greatest country on earth and start acting like it. Now, I know — I know this is uncomfortable for the faith-over-facts crowd, but the greatness of a country can, to a large degree, be measured. Here are some numbers: Infant mortality rate, America ranks 48th in the world; overall health, 72nd; freedom of the press, 44; literacy, 55th. Do you realize there are 12-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the name of the teacher they're having sex with?

Now, America, I will admit, has done many great things: making the New World democratic comes to mind, the Marshall Plan, curing polio, beating Hitler, the deep-fried Twinkie. But what have we done for us lately? We're not the freest country. That would be Holland, where you can smoke hash in church, and Janet Jackson's nipple is on their flag.

And, sadly, we're no longer a country that can get things done, either. Not big things, like building a tunnel under Boston or running a war with competence. We had six years to fix the voting machines. Couldn't get that done. The FBI is just now getting email!

Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, "If Brazil can do it, America can, too." Excuse me, since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil?! We invented the airplane and the lightbulb. They invented the bikini wax, and now they're ahead?!

In most of the industrialized world, nearly everyone has health care. And hardly anyone doubts evolution. And, yes, having to live amid so many superstitious dimwits is also something that affects quality of life. It's why America isn't going to be the country that gets the inevitable patents in stem cell cures, because Jesus thinks it's too close to cloning!

Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars? We owe everybody money. America is a debtor nation to Mexico! We're not on a bridge to the 21st century. We're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.

And this is why it bugs me that so many people talk like it's 1955 and we're still number one in everything. We're not. And I take no glee in saying this, because I love my country, and I wish we were. But when you're number 55 in this category and number 92 in that one, you look a little silly waving the big foam "Number One" finger.

As long as we believe being the greatest country in the world is a birthright, we'll keep coasting on the achievements of earlier generations and we'll keep losing the moral high ground. Because we may not be the biggest or the healthiest or the best educated. But we always did have one thing no other place did. We knew soccer was bulls***.

And...and we also had a little thing called the Bill of Rights. A great nation doesn't torture people or make them disappear without a trial. Bush keeps saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom. And he's working damn hard to see that pretty soon that won't be a problem.
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Old 11-07-2006, 01:35 AM   #57
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New Rules 11/3/06

New Rules 11/3/06

All right, I've got to go to New Rules. Thank you, panel, you were terrific. And here we go. New Rules!

New Rule: Stop hassling me about my Halloween costume. [photo of Maher in Dead Steve Irwin costume] Yes, you've seen it on the Internet. I went as the Crocodile Hunter with the bloody stinger in my chest. Because people who really love animals understand that if you get killed by one, chances are you were doing something to it you shouldn't have been. You want me to apologize for making a joke? Who do you think I am? John Kerry?

New Rule: You can't write your autobiography if you haven't done anything. Kevin Federline says he's going to write the story of his life before Britney. Great. Three hundred pages of a guy smoking weed and playing X-Box. Look out, Tom Wolfe. I guess, now that K-Fed has conquered the music world, he wants to see if he can get booed off stage at a book signing. A spokesman for the letter "J" said, "If this book is published, the alphabet will sue for slander."

New Rule: No more public marriage proposals. When you hire a skywriting plane, or propose to your girlfriend at a ballgame, every unmarried woman is looking at her man like, "Well..." And you're not helping the married men, either, whose wives are remembering how they proposed to them in flip-flops, cargo shorts and a "Who Farted?" tee-shirt. By saying, "What the hell, I'm going bald anyway."

New Rule: Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something new. Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little Mermaid," digitally restored, because who could make out what's happening in the original, black-and-white kinescope? This shameless hyping of previously-released material, now with additional content, is the very kind of thing I should have lampooned in New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, now available in paperback.

And finally - oh, and Jack, you might want to take notes to rebut this - I brought a pen and paper for you-[he hands Kingston a pen and pad]

KINGSTON: I'm on the case.

MAHER: And if you can't, because we end the show on this, when we get - after - when the show closes, we go to our HBO.com. We will let you have the first word.

But finally, New Rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up, Democrats, it's as simple as A-B-C. "Always Be Closing." First prize: subpoena power in the new Congress. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third prize: you're fired. The election is four days away and I'm through dicking around with you.

Here are the leads. Here are your talking points.

One: when they say Democrats will raise taxes, you say, "We have to because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden."

In just six years, the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in. That's not even elementary economics. That's just called, "Don't be Michael Jackson."

Two: When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say, "Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream." He inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.

Three: When they say, "Cut and Run" or "Defeat-ocrat," you say, "Bush lost the war. Period." All this nonsense - this nonsense about "the violence is getting worse over there because they're trying to influence the election"; no, it's getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebee's.

And of course Democrats want to win. But that's impossible now that you've ethnically-cleansed the place by making it unlivable. Just like you did with New Orleans.

Four: When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are denigrating the troops, you say, "You're completely full of shit." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, "You're full of shit." If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare! That's how I would feel supported.

So when they say, "Democrats are obstructionists," you say, "You're welcome." Sometimes, good people have to intercede to prevent dire consequences. You wouldn't like to think of me as an obstructionist, but what if Roseanne had offered to sing?

So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the obstructionists and the enablers. There's your talking point. Vote Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor. A retarded, child emperor-but an emperor.

So, Democrats, you've got four days to get out there and close! And it's not about slogans this time. Although, when it comes to slogans, the only one I'm prepared to accept from the opposition is, "The Republican Party: We're Sorry."

All right. You have the next word. That's our show. I want to thank my guests, Alec Baldwin, A.B. Stoddard, Jack Kingston, Roseanne Barr and Robert Greenwald. Join us now on HBO.com. Thank you, folks.
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Old 11-07-2006, 02:46 AM   #58
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when i saw bill maher's halloween costume i laughed so hard .
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Old 11-08-2006, 02:58 PM   #59
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I believe he's supposed to be on Larry King tonight. Hope I remember to catch it!
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Old 02-17-2007, 04:08 AM   #60
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He's back! First show was on 2/16, and I'm sure it will re-air all week.
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