www.match.MOM - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Free Your Mind > Free Your Mind Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 07-27-2006, 06:08 PM   #1
Blue Crack Supplier
 
Irvine511's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 30,501
Local Time: 04:04 PM
www.match.MOM

since the world is a frightful place these days, how about a fun thread?



[q]July 27, 2006
Spouse Courtesy of Mom the Matchmaker
By STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM
YOU’VE tried Craigslist and Club Med, and have nothing but flirty e-mail messages and hangovers to show for it. Speed dating made you nauseated, and your Web profile is so exaggerated you barely recognize yourself. Some days, you just feel like crawling home to Mom and Dad.

In Ali Seidman Hammer’s case, her father came to her.

Ms. Seidman Hammer, 29, who works at a jewelry company in Manhattan, never lacked suitors. But when she and a boyfriend broke up in 2002, her father wanted to help. He reached out to the son of a longtime family friend, Dave Bray, who contacted a fraternity brother, Mike Hammer. They went on their first date in November 2002 and were married in April this year.

“Sometimes,” said her father, Larry Seidman, “it takes a little prodding.”

For some people parental intervention may seem like an arranged marriage. But for today’s superattentive parents, involved in almost every aspect of their children’s lives, dating is merely one more sphere of influence.

Surprisingly, many adult children don’t seem to mind. In an age of electronic courting, where dating can be reduced to a bleary-eyed scroll through lackluster Web site profiles, some see the appeal of Match.mom.

“If you’re going to give J Date a shot, why not give your mother a shot?” said Leslie Arker, 32, who met her husband, Alex Arker, 33, through their parents (their fathers played golf together) in 2000.

Those in their 20’s and early 30’s are, after all, used to hands-on to-the-rescue parents, and involvement doesn’t end with a college diploma.

“There is a very high appreciation of parents nowadays, which is unusual,” said Helen E. Johnson of Chapel Hill, N.C., an author and a consultant on parent relations to colleges.

Where parents were once feared and distant figures, today they are more like friends to their children, some people who work with families said, and that has led to more open relationships.

Manny Contomanolis, the associate vice president and director of Cooperative Education and Career Services at Rochester Institute of Technology, said that the involvement of parents in their children’s lives is occurring more and more, partly because parents no longer trust institutions like schools and churches to be their children’s best advocates.

But modern technology has also brought a revival of the age-old practice of matchmaking. E-mail and cellphones make it easy for parents to be part of their children’s day-to-day trials and tribulations, and to get emotionally involved.

“They’re potentially living their son’s or daughter’s life along with them,” Mr. Contomanolis said. “It creates more instances and opportunities to intercede.”

Critics who advocate a more laissez-faire approach to parenthood may view parental involvement in affairs of the heart as an extension of what generational scholars call “helicopter parents”: those who hover over their children’s every move, hampering their maturation, autonomy and future ability to cope.

But some say a parent’s suggestion to spend Saturday night with the upstanding son of a business acquaintance is not the same as meddling in college admissions or helping complete a term paper to beef up a grade. Mr. Contomanolis said it is not much different from a parent’s suggesting a child call a family friend who runs a company that needs some business administration graduates. It would be problematic, he said, only if parents were carting in potential mates as the parents did in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”

Parents, of course, have been meddling in their children’s love lives since time immemorial. And writers have long mined the subject of arranged marriage in works as varied as “Romeo and Juliet,” “Fiddler on the Roof” and “Bend It Like Beckham.” But even in “Anna Karenina,” published in the 1870’s, parents questioned their role in their children’s love lives. “It’s the young people who have to marry and not their parents,” Tolstoy wrote, “and so we ought to leave the young people to arrange it as they choose.”

And that was where things were left, in most families. But fathers and mothers may be reclaiming their right to know best.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/27/fa...gewanted=print

[/q]



so ... do mom and dad know best? is this just overinvolved parents trying to spin even more influence over their codependent children? or are parents and children closer now than they've ever been?

parents: would you want to matchmake for your child?
children: would you want your parents to matchmake for you?

discuss, discuss ...
__________________

__________________
Irvine511 is online now  
Old 07-27-2006, 08:18 PM   #2
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
maycocksean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: The Most Important State in the Union
Posts: 4,882
Local Time: 04:04 PM
I believe choice is the operative word here.


As long as the child seeks his/her parents involvement, and as long as the child is not forced to marry the person his/her parents match them with, I think it could be a good thing.

Parents often know their children better than just about anyone else, and they want the best for their children. They also often have an uncanny talent for sniffing out losers. I went through a whole bunch of different girls that I thought were Perfection. My mom was able to see things I couldn't and always remained skeptical. I'd ignore her, of course, and then later on find out she was right. She approved of my wife though.
__________________

__________________
maycocksean is offline  
Old 07-27-2006, 08:52 PM   #3
Blue Crack Addict
 
verte76's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: hoping for changes
Posts: 23,331
Local Time: 09:04 PM
As long as the kids are happy, I see nothing wrong with parental involvement in their marriages. Happy marriages is the key.
__________________
verte76 is offline  
Old 07-27-2006, 09:40 PM   #4
Forum Moderator
 
yolland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 7,471
Local Time: 10:04 PM
"No, probably not" and "Hell no" would be my answers to the last two questions.

Perhaps that reaction just reflects a combination of my being a little older (35) and not having come of age with "hands-on, to-the-rescue" parents though. After my father died I wound up taking over the better part of the childcare and housework for several years while my mother worked to keep us afloat, than after that I sent home a lot of my paycheck for the better part of a decade. So while I'm very close to my mother, I don't relate to her "like a friend" (and was never really raised to in the first place), let alone "like a helicopter" (aren't the two kind of contradictory anyhow?). She never was all that privy to my dating experiences to begin with (though that much, I *would* like to do differently with my own kids) and, given the level of mutual interdependence we had from around the time I started dating, I can't imagine it would've been all that comfortable for either of us if she had been.

Maybe in another 10 years I'll feel differently though.
__________________
yolland [at] interference.com


μελετώ αποτυγχάνειν. -- Διογένης της Σινώπης
yolland is offline  
Old 07-27-2006, 11:37 PM   #5
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 04:04 PM
As long as the kids say, "Hey Mom/Dad would you happen to know anyone thats single or your friends kids seeing anyone"? then I would say go for it. If its just medlesome I would say stay out of it.
__________________
JCOSTER is offline  
Old 07-27-2006, 11:43 PM   #6
Refugee
 
Muggsy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: I live in colombia, with a box of watercolors and butterflies in my tummy
Posts: 2,033
Local Time: 04:04 PM
I can relate in certain way that topic with the situation i'm living right now... I've never introduced my bfs to my parents, because I've never had a good comunication with them. But now that I'm dating with this amazing guy, I would love my parents to meet him and see how good is him. Apart from the problem of getting over my nerves, I can't deny that I'd be happy if my parents aprove my relationship with my bf, not because i'm looking for their approval, but that would be a huge step in my relationship with them.

If my parents arranged some blind date or something like that ( I don't think that would happen, but let's supposse ).... I wouldn't refuse, but obviously I would feel free to make my own concept about the guy they want me to meet.
__________________
Muggsy is offline  
Old 07-28-2006, 03:11 AM   #7
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
lmjhitman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: tbtf
Posts: 4,317
Local Time: 03:04 PM
i am of east indian descent, born in germany, raised and living in canada. as most people are aware, arranged marriages, traditional or not, are still accepted and commonplace in south asian culture. i, having been raised outside of that culture, want no part of an arranged marriage - which i repeatedly tell my family who insist on reminding me that i am of marriageable age.

i'll echo what others have said about it being imperative that it be the child's choice to involve his or her parents.

case in point: last year i was at dinner at my parents, and unbeknownst to me, they had also invited a single doctor that they had met while at a friend's. it was clearly a setup and i was pretty outraged that they tried to ambush me like that. i made nice during dinner and didn't take it out on the guy. i guess he was a nice enough fellow, but really, REALLY not for me. after he left, i let the civility-act drop. they could tell i wasn't happy. i let them know that i really resented the position that they had put me in that night, especially after i had made it known that that was NOT something that i was interested in. they half-heartedly apologized, saying that 'it never hurts to meet new people.' to which i replied, 'i'll probably be more receptive to meeting new people when meeting them is my choice, and not forced upon me.' basically, when i want your help, i'll ask you. they haven't tried to pull the same stunt a second time, and have been relegated to openly lamenting my single status.

i understand that what they did was out of love for me, i'm their only daughter and they want to see me happy and taken care of, so i can't really be angry at them. but what the experience taught me was that there's a reason that i don't want a marriage arranged by my parents: i just don't feel my parents know me well enough to choose the person for me to marry. i mean, they chose a doctor who would have provided financial security, but other than that, had no other qualities that i would look for in anyone that i'd want to spend time with. granted, i spent limited time with him in the presence of my parents, but first impressions count for a lot. i don't think my parents really know about what i'm interested in, other that the fact that i 'like to listen to music' (mom's words).

anyway, my point is, it really depends on the person's relationship with his or her parents. if a child is comfortable enough to ask for her parents' help in meeting new people that have relationship-potential, then that child clearly trusts her parents' judgement in terms of picking someone that will be compatible with their child, as well as having her welfare at heart.
__________________
lmjhitman is offline  
Old 07-28-2006, 09:27 AM   #8
you are what you is
 
Salome's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 22,016
Local Time: 10:04 PM
each parent - child relationship is different

I'm sure in many instances this would work and in about as many it won't

to each his/her own
__________________
“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.”
~Frank Zappa
Salome is offline  
Old 07-28-2006, 09:58 AM   #9
Blue Crack Supplier
 
Irvine511's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 30,501
Local Time: 04:04 PM
i suppose what surprises me is the level of interest/input some parent's have in their children's love lives. i was never raised with the parent-as-friend model (though i'm not entirely opposed to it, if done correctly -- i am genuinely envious of some of my friend's and their very close relationships to their parents that is due to a more intimate, friend-like dynamic) so my parents would have been the *last* people i'd go to for advice about love, romance, or, god forbid, sexual advice (shudders). but i know some people who do, some girls, especially, who do talk about sex with their mothers. in some ways i think that's great, yet it's not a kind of relationship i would ever want with my particular parents.

i suppose the other thing i would worry about would be dating in order to please one's parents. i think wrapping parental expectations into the already complex world of adult romantic relationships would make it all that much more difficult. though i think much of this is due to how we view dating, love, marriage, etc., in the west. we have a very Hollywood view of love, i think, and in some ways that's great -- we marry for love (mostly, or at least we try to) as opposed to marry for survival/security, and marriage today is as idealistic as it's ever been, which is also why it only works out about 50% of the time.
__________________
Irvine511 is online now  
Old 07-28-2006, 05:13 PM   #10
Blue Crack Addict
 
verte76's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: hoping for changes
Posts: 23,331
Local Time: 09:04 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Salome
each parent - child relationship is different

I'm sure in many instances this would work and in about as many it won't

to each his/her own
Exactly.
__________________
verte76 is offline  
Old 07-29-2006, 01:06 AM   #11
The Fly
 
edge_2125's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 160
Local Time: 09:04 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by lmjhitman


but what the experience taught me was that there's a reason that i don't want a marriage arranged by my parents: i just don't feel my parents know me well enough to choose the person for me to marry.

I have a similar background and I can sympathise with this.

I think the biggest issue is the conflict between what parents wish for their kids in relationships and what their kids actually want out of relationships. There's often quite a large disconnect between the two - especially when kids are raised in a culture different to their parents'.

Having grown up in the West, marrying for love just seems more natural to me (and many others like me, I'm sure), however idealistic such an approach may be. On the other hand, most parents I know hold more traditional views and are more interested in seeing their kids get married for security and stability, and consequently, take a more pragmatic approach.

In my experience, parents view the union of the two families involved to be just as important as the marriage of the two people. So when fix-ups like lmjhitman described happen, parents tend to recruit potential mates for their kids from families with similar backgrounds to their own. These are very often doomed from the start because barring mutually eager parents, the kids involved very often have nothing in common.

I think the decision on the involvement of parents should be left entirely up to the child. Personally, I don't see it as a bad idea to have parents involved, just as long as parents and children are looking for the same things.
__________________
edge_2125 is offline  
Old 07-30-2006, 04:22 PM   #12
Blue Crack Addict
 
MrsSpringsteen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 24,999
Local Time: 04:04 PM
I'm sure it can work out, but I also think it's dangerous for parents to be overinvolved in their kids' love lives and especially marriages. I've seen marriages actually end up in divorce because of inlaw issues and the friction they cause between spouses. Granted there were other factors, but that was still a major factor. It tends to magnify all the weaknesses in the relationship- and if a spouse doesn't stand up to their parents and for their spouse, the spouse/partner feels slighted, hurt, and angry.

I think there is always some sort of disconnect between what parents want for their kids vs what the children want for themselves, unless the kids are just living to please their parents and are sacrificing their real desires. And parents can often be delusional about what is best for their children as far as a mate goes. Most parents have the best intentions and want to protect their kids from hurt and want only happiness for them, but mistakes and hurt can be the best way to find true happiness. Not to mention that relationships or marriages that don't work out for whatever reason shouldn't always be defined as "mistakes". People can give their level and heartfelt best effort and it still just doesn't work, for a myriad of reasons.
__________________
MrsSpringsteen is offline  
Old 07-30-2006, 04:32 PM   #13
Rock n' Roll Doggie
VIP PASS
 
Bono's shades's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: The back of beyond
Posts: 5,038
Local Time: 04:04 PM
I guess if you considered you mom or dad as much a friend as a parent, it wouldn't be that much different than having a friend help set you up with someone. But I don't have that kind of relationship with my parents, plus we have completely different tastes on - well, just about everything. So my parents would be the last people on earth I would ever turn to in order to find a date - let alone a potential marriage partner.
__________________
Bono's shades is offline  
Old 07-30-2006, 05:52 PM   #14
ONE
love, blood, life
 
AtomicBono's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Athens, Greece
Posts: 10,486
Local Time: 03:04 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Irvine511
i suppose what surprises me is the level of interest/input some parent's have in their children's love lives. i was never raised with the parent-as-friend model (though i'm not entirely opposed to it, if done correctly -- i am genuinely envious of some of my friend's and their very close relationships to their parents that is due to a more intimate, friend-like dynamic) so my parents would have been the *last* people i'd go to for advice about love, romance, or, god forbid, sexual advice (shudders). but i know some people who do, some girls, especially, who do talk about sex with their mothers. in some ways i think that's great, yet it's not a kind of relationship i would ever want with my particular parents.

i suppose the other thing i would worry about would be dating in order to please one's parents. i think wrapping parental expectations into the already complex world of adult romantic relationships would make it all that much more difficult. though i think much of this is due to how we view dating, love, marriage, etc., in the west. we have a very Hollywood view of love, i think, and in some ways that's great -- we marry for love (mostly, or at least we try to) as opposed to marry for survival/security, and marriage today is as idealistic as it's ever been, which is also why it only works out about 50% of the time.
I just wanted to say that this is a very good post I've got a good "friend" type of relationship with both my parents really, but my mom especially. I wouldn't mind them introducing me to someone, but I wouldn't want them to force anything on me - which they wouldn't. And sexual advice? I'm sorry but that just seems weird to me, asking your parents for sexual advice. But hey, if both parties are okay with it then that's cool I guess.

Yeah, pretty much I see no problem with a kid asking their parents if they know anyone that might be good for them. The problem would be the parents forcing it upon their kid.
__________________

__________________
AtomicBono is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:04 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com