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Old 03-07-2003, 02:37 AM   #1
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Winkler weighs in on Iraq situation

Winkler has mixed feelings on Iraq invasion

By Ted Connors

War, war, what is it good for? Stirring opinions, creating fights, and serving as the basis of many aggravated and highly heated arguments to be sure. War is always a contentious issue, but as this reporter found out, the town of Winkler has several outspoken representatives on both the "peace" and "liberation" front.

Meet Heinrich Friesen, a father of four, a farmer, a Mennonite. His father was a C.O. during the second world war, and though he was a pacifist, Heinrich clearly did not share his father's views.

"I say bomb them to hell, each and every last one of them," Heinrich said as he munched on some farmer sausage at one of the local diners. "Those ***holes have been messing around with the United States for like half a century, since the last war (12 years ago), and if they don't want to do as the UN tells them, they're going to get whats coming to them."

When asked about the human cost of war, Heinrich was quick to respond.

"Ive never met anyone that lived to be over 110 years old. Everyone dies, its a part of life we all need to get used to. We're born, we grow, we get old, we die," a very matter-of-fact Heinrich said. "The truth is, it's those people that live in Iraq, it's their fault the States are about to sacrifice some of their own troops for the Iraqi's good. They should have risen up to fight Saddam, but instead they sit around, smoke, do drugs, have sex and have way too many babies with AIDS."

Esther Heppner, a high school student at Garden Valley, had a different take.

"I always think war should be used as a last resort, definately," Heppner said. "But in this case I think Iraq deserves it because of their baby problems. There's way too many with those ugly babies, you know the ones im talking about, the ones with all those gross diseases. It's because they have too much sex with the gays, you see? Its all connected. And thats why theres going to be a war, even though I dont think there should be."

World War 2 veteran, Jake Fehr was adamently opposed to the notion of an attack on Iraq.

"Those who have been to war, know that war should never be played around with unless it is absolutely necessary. I can't say I necessarily believe Bush has presented the evidence to sway my opinion," Fehr said. "But as for their babies, all I keep hearing about is their babies on the t.v. It makes me mad theyre eating their babies, don't they have diseases? I've seen on the t.v. that they eat their babies, and that just ain't right. I think that might be why the U.S. wants to invade, but they don't want to say it to the public, because noone will believe them. Well if that were the case, I would support the war because I am definately against the consumption of human babies, and if removing Saddam will stop that, Im all for it."

Winkler, located at the north eastern tip of the Yukon Territories, has no roads leading to it, and can only be accessed by space shuttle and/or time machine.
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Old 03-07-2003, 04:38 AM   #2
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I thought this was going to be about the Fonz.
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Old 03-07-2003, 10:32 AM   #3
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dr. teeth,

winkler is a town.
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Old 03-07-2003, 10:46 AM   #4
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LOL...I was thinking of Henry Winkler as well.

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Old 03-07-2003, 11:02 AM   #5
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Was this a satirical piece, or do people really believe this ?

How do you say.....aw never mind..

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Old 03-07-2003, 11:41 AM   #6
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its written by Ted Connors, gabriel.
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Old 03-07-2003, 12:04 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gickies Gageeze
dr. teeth,

winkler is a town.
Does the Fonz live there?
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Old 03-07-2003, 12:26 PM   #8
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I think he does, hence the time machine
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Old 03-07-2003, 12:27 PM   #9
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maybe.

does this story alarm you? whats up with the babies guys? i didnt know they ate their babies! i mean thats sick - they have diseases!
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Old 03-07-2003, 12:46 PM   #10
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Quote:
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its written by Ted Connors, gabriel.
Sorry at that point I couldnt remember if Mr Connors was a respected journalist or a comedian.

If I made a wild guess based on that article, I'd have to assume the latter.

But if he is reporting what people have actually said, these people are definately a few beers short of a 2-4.
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Old 03-07-2003, 12:54 PM   #11
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im ted connors.
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Old 03-07-2003, 01:01 PM   #12
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I think you should come off the Nickleback for a bit.

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Old 03-07-2003, 01:48 PM   #13
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brilliant
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Old 03-07-2003, 01:50 PM   #14
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*waits for the obligatory posting of a Fonzie pic*
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Old 03-07-2003, 02:27 PM   #15
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