Why Must One Find A Mate?

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Trash Can

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Joined
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Messages
399
I used to think I "needed" to find someone to be complete.
Then I learned that I must be "complete" on my own.
I used to think I needed to find someone that would "need me".
I learned that that was not a healthy relationship.

So, why must I find someone?
My reasons seem to stem from selfishness.
Or from looking for someone to care for.

"You complete me" - Tom Cruise in "Jerry McGuire".
WRONG attitude.
"You make me want to be a better me" - Jack in "As Good As It Gets"
WRONG also.


So... whats the point?
 
Originally posted by Trash Can:
I used to think I "needed" to find someone to be complete.
Then I learned that I must be "complete" on my own.


So... whats the point?

Absolutely true, TC; a person must be complete on her/his own. If you depend on another for happiness or completion, you are headed for disaster. A complete person makes a better partner in a relationship.
A healthy relationship helps each member grow and learn. I think that is the point of relationships: growth as a person. Relationships also take you out of yourself; they provide an opportunity to focus on another's wants and needs. But like I said, this is in a healthy match. An unhealthy relationship stifles growth and creates dependence.
Wanting to love and be loved is why people seek mates. It's human nature; it's the echo of God in us.

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...a highway with no one on it, a treasure just to look upon it...

"The skeletal structure of your foot is not normal." -- my podiatrist 8-6-01

[This message has been edited by martha (edited 08-16-2001).]
 
Originally posted by Trash Can:

So, why must I find someone?
My reasons seem to stem from selfishness.
Or from looking for someone to care for.


I don't think you MUST find someone, but I do think that God wants us to find someone. This is NOT my area, but I'm gonna give it a try.

Coincidence that Jesus' first miracle occurs at a wedding? I don't think so!

Genesis, 2:18 The Lord God said: It is not good for the man to be alone. 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

If the focus is on being selfish or needing to care for someone, perhaps you overlook the idea that God wants us to cling to another.

It's okay to let someone in Trash.
smile.gif




[This message has been edited by Like O2 (edited 08-17-2001).]
 
I've said it before and I'll say it again: No one's indispensable. That said, I think that a relationship with God is enough to eclipse any other relationship we have with other people, He's enough. I think that because we have been separated from God since birth (romans 3:23), we yearn for a connection of some sort. Romantic relationships are a way of filling that void that inherently exists in us.

That's my answer...

foray
 
Romantic relationships are a way of filling that void that inherently exists in us.

Personaly, I feel a real relationship with God is the only way to come close to filling that void.

I think trying to fill that void with another person is why so many relationships fail.

Friends, lovers, etc. can't fill that God shaped hole and it's HIGLY unfair to expect someone to fill it. Unrealistic expectations and demands to place on someone else. Then people become disillusioned with thier relationships when that void isn't filled.

------------------
Steve
SAME OLD STORY- Hardcore American Comedy

[This message has been edited by hermes (edited 08-17-2001).]

[This message has been edited by hermes (edited 08-17-2001).]
 
Originally posted by hermes:
Personaly, I feel a real relationship with God is the only way to come close to filling that void.

I think trying to fill that void with another person is why so many relationships fail.


Hermes, I may be reading you wrong, but I think you're copping out. Of course human love cannot come close to God's love, but to use that as an excuse for failed relationships is cowardly. We ARE human and we long to be loved by other humans. If you shut yourself off to other people in the name of loving God, you go against the very nature of God and His love. Like O2 is right; listen to her.

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...a highway with no one on it, a treasure just to look upon it...

"The skeletal structure of your foot is not normal." -- my podiatrist 8-6-01
 
Originally posted by martha:
Hermes, I may be reading you wrong, but I think you're copping out. Of course human love cannot come close to God's love, but to use that as an excuse for failed relationships is cowardly. We ARE human and we long to be loved by other humans. If you shut yourself off to other people in the name of loving God, you go against the very nature of God and His love. Like O2 is right; listen to her.

Actually, I think hermes is dead on. Perhaps you are misinterpreting him. What I *think* I'm hearing is that no matter what relationships you are in with people, be they romantic..friendship...working relationships, whatever....there is a void in your heart that can only be filled by God and if you're trying to use others to fill it, you're bound to be disappointed. I don't see that he was saying "love God and avoid humans." That's not the point.

My observation has usually been that those that are most in love with God are those who have the largest capacity for loving other humans because they are 'freed' in a way to love without selfishness. I dunno. I'm certainly not saying I have any of this figured out. (far from it. lol) But this is what I have seen.
smile.gif


-sula
 
I don't think that always having a mate in life is a big necessity. Right now that is not a big priority in mine. I have family and friends who mean a lot to me. I have also rediscovered myself in different things that have happened to me on a day to day basis. Maybe someday I will find that person. But as for right now I am content to be on my own!
smile.gif
 
Originally posted by hermes:
yes, exactly what Sula said. Sorry I wasn't clear on that.


Gotcha. I had a hunch I had misinterpreted what you said. Plus, I still got to spout off!

Like O2, you give good advice. (Bunions, remember?)


------------------
...a highway with no one on it, a treasure just to look upon it...

"The skeletal structure of your foot is not normal." -- my podiatrist 8-6-01
 
Originally posted by Trash Can:

Its KNOWING what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. Knowing what it takes to be "whole". Knowing that I am NOWHERE close to that! And knowing then, that as a responsible Christian man, I MUST wait... Learn, grow, change... and WAIT.
And anything I feel now is NOT honest, or healthy, but in fact selfish and needy (...and lets not forget, "lustful"!).
I want a relationship for the wrong reasons, and DAMMIT, unfortunately, I know better... That sucks, my friends. It sucks.

As for "filling the hole", I know too well that only God can fill it. I'm fillin' it!

...whewwwwwwwwwwwww.. I feel a lil better.

Therapy online!
Oh well, as long as you all don't know who I am and how to find me (Quiet Linky!), I guess its ok to "Share" like this.

Anymore "Deep Thoughts"???


Oh Sweetie, none of us is perfect, or whole, or not lustful. But other people help us reach out to our finer selves. What are the "wrong reasons" for a relationship? If you are honest with yourself, and her, then you'll be okay. Trust yourself and maybe stop watching yourself so much (hard to do, I know!), and try it. Learn from yourself and from others. Most of all, love yourself.


------------------
...a highway with no one on it, a treasure just to look upon it...

"The skeletal structure of your foot is not normal." -- my podiatrist 8-6-01
 
biggrin.gif

by the way, I just learned that I got a job that I was after.
Monday morning, I'm a taxpaying American again!
biggrin.gif

...At least I can tell the babes I DO work, now!

(I'm joking with the "babes" comment!)

PEACE
smile.gif
smile.gif
smile.gif
 
deep thoughts? ...hmm....err...I'm 22, a female, and single.
wink.gif
And what with that comment about you getting a job...well, I'm definitely impressed.
biggrin.gif


....teasin...
wink.gif


-sula
 
ever heard of a good friend (with benefits of course)?
compliment is a better word than complete. forgive me if some1 said this, I havne't reasd the replies..

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contradiction is balance
 
Originally posted by martha:
it's the echo of God in us.



WOW. I like that!

You know whats really tough though, and I speak for myself ONLY. Its KNOWING what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. Knowing what it takes to be "whole". Knowing that I am NOWHERE close to that! And knowing then, that as a responsible Christian man, I MUST wait... Learn, grow, change... and WAIT.
And anything I feel now is NOT honest, or healthy, but in fact selfish and needy (...and lets not forget, "lustful"!).
I want a relationship for the wrong reasons, and DAMMIT, unfortunately, I know better... That sucks, my friends. It sucks.

As for "filling the hole", I know too well that only God can fill it. I'm fillin' it!

...whewwwwwwwwwwwww.. I feel a lil better.

Therapy online!
Oh well, as long as you all don't know who I am and how to find me (Quiet Linky!), I guess its ok to "Share" like this.

Anymore "Deep Thoughts"???
 
... Sula, don't EVEN play that that friendgirl!!

Geezzz, 22 years old? I have socks older than you! OMG, I have a neice your age!

"What a drag, it is, gettin' old..."

Nikki, yes of course I have heard of "a good friend". A have a few of those, thank God.
I have "forced" myself to seek fellowship and friendship. I know that it IS important.

... BUT, I still want Wynona Rider!... Is that a bad thing???
wink.gif


Seriously, I AM trying to figure out WHY I "want" or "need" someone, more than just a "good friend". Is it for the sex? Is that a bad reason? Is it for the closeness, love, and intimacy one can only find in a person one falls asleep in the arms of and wakes up with every morning.

...I don't have friends that are THAT "good" to me!
I'm kiddin'. Sorry
wink.gif


OH! And "compliment" IS a very good way of putting it! "Good answer! Good answer!"


Peace.


____________________


"The heart beats strongest when it beats for others."
 
Originally posted by Like O2:
I do think that God wants us to find someone. Genesis, 2:18 The Lord God said: It is not good for the man to be alone. 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.
If the focus is on being selfish or needing to care for someone, perhaps you overlook the idea that God wants us to cling to another.
[This message has been edited by Like O2 (edited 08-17-2001).]
I have to disagree with you on some points, Like O2 (and I don't think happens much between us, does it?)
I don't necessarily think that God wants everyone of us to find someone. I think we all need other people, but not ncessarily a spouse. I, for one, know that I am not built for a romantic relationship. And I'm 34 years old, so I am pretty confident about that by now. Don't forget that Paul told us several times that it is better that a person be single, because that way his attention can be completely on God, whereas a married person's attention is divided, he must focus on his spouse, also.
 
Wait a sec.

If God is love, doesn't loving somebody so deeply as you love your mate/spouse bring you closer to God?

Just my athe??st ?0,02
 
Originally posted by Trash Can:
biggrin.gif

by the way, I just learned that I got a job that I was after.
Monday morning, I'm a taxpaying American again!



Maybe you'll meet the future Mrs. Trash Can at your new job!!
smile.gif


Congrats and have a great first day!!


------------------
"See, the rock star gets his way! Thank you very much. This feels very Elvis. Thank you."

Bono ~ Houston, Texas 4-02-01
 
Originally posted by DrTeeth:
Wait a sec.
If God is love, doesn't loving somebody so deeply as you love your mate/spouse bring you closer to God?
Just my athe??st ?0,02
Maybe it should, but it doesn't always work that way. My point is that not everyone is meant to have someone, and that Paul tells us that if we aren't "burning with desire", it is best not to be married. There's nothing wrong with having someone, but at the same time, there's nothing wrong with not having someone.
 
Originally posted by martha:
Like O2, you give good advice. (Bunions, remember?)


Of course I remember, I still think you have one of the best sigs on interference. BTW, gonna have the surgery??


------------------
"See, the rock star gets his way! Thank you very much. This feels very Elvis. Thank you."

Bono ~ Houston, Texas 4-02-01
 
Thinkin' about it. I'll see my doc next Friday. If I do it, and I'm leaning toward that, I'll have to wait until next summer when I'm off.

------------------
...a highway with no one on it, a treasure just to look upon it...

"The skeletal structure of your foot is not normal." -- my podiatrist 8-6-01
 
Originally posted by 80sU2isBest:
I have to disagree with you on some points, Like O2 (and I don't think happens much between us, does it?)
I don't necessarily think that God wants everyone of us to find someone. I think we all need other people, but not ncessarily a spouse. I, for one, know that I am not built for a romantic relationship. And I'm 34 years old, so I am pretty confident about that by now.


80's, I've just realized what the problem is for you and Trash Can....you both live in the wrong city. I think it's time for you both to move a bit further South in the state, where we women know how to take care of our men!
biggrin.gif


Everyone just settle down, I'm kiddin'! Actually, there's a chance that my family may be moving to your neck of the woods, so I better behave myself.
wink.gif


Seriously, 80's your right and I should have been more clear....I don't think that EVERYONE is meant to be married. And I do not know you or Trash Can so I can not/will not presume I do and make statements based on that presumption. However, *nervous gulp* I wonder if both of you aren't "copping out" a bit.

To say that you aren't "built" for a romantic relationship sounds so extreme. What about that "friend girl" who you spent your birthday with? A romantic relationship might be alot of hard work, focus, effort...but I bet it could be "for you" if you wanted it to be. And you might not want that and that's okay too. But if you do, I but you could.

And Trash, how will you know when you have waited long enough, when you are WHOLE? Is there some test I missed before I said "I do"? You've mentioned selfish a couple of times, I just have a tough time seeing you this way based on how you respond to other people....selfish is one of the last words I'd pick to describe you.

However, I should point out that the hour is late and there is a good chance I have no idea what I'm talking about. The three of us can meet at some bar after a 3rd Leg U2 concert and solve the problems of the world then.
biggrin.gif




------------------
"See, the rock star gets his way! Thank you very much. This feels very Elvis. Thank you."

Bono ~ Houston, Texas 4-02-01
 
Bunions... and Finding a mate. Do the two go together???

Anyway. Claire: I am selfish. I'm also giving... but not as much as I should be. Friendgirl, you don't know me. What you read here is mostly me in my "best behaviour".
Seriously, I've got some growing up to do before I can seriously consider a mate.
By the way, there is a very sexy woman at my new job. She is intelligent (BIG turn on). She's funny, warm and sweet. She has a great smile, sparkling eyes, and... well... she's slender and ... she has a nice bod.
I've met several of women that fit this "type" and I always find them quite attractive, but there's always the same problem.
What's the problem? You say.

She's a lesbian.

frown.gif


My line of work attracts many gay women ( I dont know why).
Boy... I need to find ANOTHER type to be attracted to. I DON'T stand a chance like this.

Oh, About "coping out"... Ok, sure. It's scarey and I know I have fear of commitement.
But I also know I would cause the one I would "love" much pain with my immature behaviour.


... I working on it! Ok, Claire???
smile.gif


As far as scripture... What timing, recent scripture in Church dealt with relationships. I forget what Gospel it it, but its when Jesus gets asked about divorce and He talks about when a man and a woman become one. And also about the fact that some people are meant never to marry, and remain celebate!
eek.gif


Ok, I have to go... Mr. Kinko is making a fortune off of me.

Peace... and love.
 
There are many goodlooking, single women where I work. Too bad they all hate my sorry ass and won't have anything to do with me. But yeah, a significant other would be a good thing to have.

Wait, what was the question?
 
Originally posted by Trash Can:
Bunions... and Finding a mate. Do the two go together???



Wait until you've been married 12 years....you'll be amazed my friend, AMAZED!!



------------------
"See, the rock star gets his way! Thank you very much. This feels very Elvis. Thank you."

Bono ~ Houston, Texas 4-02-01
 
Love is incredibly complicated, especially when you start adding the Christian dimension into it. I don't even want to get started on that.

But true love is never wrong. There's a passage in Romans that says that as well, that 'love is the fulfillment of the Law.' It's obvious that the definition of what constitutes true love has changed since Biblical times--hence, a lot of sometimes nonsensical prohibitions they saw as being contrary to love--but if you honestly have love in your mind and heart when doing anything, how can it be wrong?

Melon

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?Confused by thoughts, we experience duality in life. Unencumbered by ideas, the enlightened see the one reality.? - Hui-neng (638-713)
 
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