What Makes A Good Mother?

[MrsSpringsteen]

Since it's close to Mother's Day, I was wondering what people here think are the most important and effective qualities for a Mother to possess?

Besides some obvious ones, it's a subjective opinion I suppose. Hopefully people will respect that and this can be a nice thread

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms here

 

[deep]

these folks know

 

[beli]

Cuddles and compassion.

Support and encouragment for whichever direction their life takes.

 

[Dreadsox]

Support and encouragment for whichever direction their life takes.

Absolutely On Target!!!!!

 

[Golightly Grrl]

The best moms I know that there is a world beyond their children. Of course, they are very devoted moms to their offspring, tending to their needs and being a wonderful support system, yet their wisdom and compassion goes beyond their own realm. They realize that their own child will survive seeing Janet Jackson's nipple and understand children dying of preventable diseases is a greater tragedy.

The best moms have humor and whereas they take the job of childrearing seriously, they do not take themselves seriously. They have an identity beyond their children. They do not act as their children's best friends or as 24/7 entertainment centers. They value each of their children as unique and valuable human beings.

Best of all, they raise their children to leave them.

 

[verte76]

Cuddles and compassion.

Support and encouragment for whichever direction their life takes.

Yes!

 

[Muggsy]

*LOVE*
Intuition
Compassion
Perseverance
Strenght
Independence
Encouragment
sacrifice (the one you do with all your heart without grieve)
Emotional Intelligence
good sense of humor

 

[BVS]

My mother loved me, encouraged me, supported me, wiped my tears, kissed by scraped knees, knew when to hold on, knew when to let go, and led by example.

She is a good mom.

 

[Angela Harlem]

unconditional love

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

The best moms have humor and whereas they take the job of childrearing seriously, they do not take themselves seriously. They have an identity beyond their children. They do not act as their children's best friends or as 24/7 entertainment centers. They value each of their children as unique and valuable human beings

I like that

I guess mine would be - strong, affectionate, compassionate, understanding, definitely unconditional love, has a good marriage/relationship w/ spouse/ partner/ whatever , doesn't have a martyr complex, still tends to her own needs and wants but doesn't put them above her childrens' , doesn't live through her children, easy to talk to, good sense of humor, participates in childrens' interests even though she might not be really interested

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I just wanted to clarify- about the good relationship w/ spouse, partner.I realize of course that's not always possible, especially if it's an ex.

I guess what I was really trying to say is she works to have a healthy balance between her relationship w/ her partner and her relationship w/ her kid (s)

And single Moms rock

 

[U2Kitten]

Interesting so many of the people who bragged they didn't have or never wanted kids seem to be experts on this. Well, I'm sorry for my shortcomings, since I'm my kids' best friend and a 24 hour entertainment system. Sorry that my husband and I are no longer have a lovey dovey relationship, but we're not going to play games and force something that isn't there, like cheesy fake "Doctor Phil" "tell her you love her at 7:30 on Thursday" shit. I do whatever I can for my kids, nurture them, worry about them, keep them safe, and do everything for their good, usually sacrificing my own in the meantime. I'm always there for them, taking them something special for lunch, picking them up so they don't have to ride the bus with mean kids, buying them something that means a lot to them no matter how useless it looks to others. My kids do not fear me, and they know they can tell me anything. I'd rather be that any day than an ogre they run from and are afraid to share secrets and problems with. So excuse me for not fitting into your lists!

I don't think there really is a real answer to this, since everyone will have their own ideas and views on what they think a Mom should be. The best thing a mom can be is whatever fits her and her family's situation and life best, not what other people think.

This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom, so it's going to be a hard one.

 

[pax]

Let's try to keep this thread friendly, okay? It's what our moms would want.

 

[dandy]

Interesting so many of the people who bragged they didn't have or never wanted kids seem to be experts on this.

what does that have to do with the question, exactly? every person on the planet has a mother, and it doesn't take being a mother to appreciate what qualities make a good one (and vice versa).

you are right in saying that the answers are subjective to an extent, but i think it all boils down to one thing: instilling a healthy sense of self esteem in her children. certainly not an easy task, but if a mother has accomplished this, she has more than done her job. and it applies equally to fathers.

i have a lot of respect and appreciation for all the hard work moms do. i believe it is the hardest job in the world, and the most important one.

 

[Irvine511]

i agree with most of what has been said, but i also think that good parents know when to step back and allow children to come into their own, to solve their own problems, and allow that child to grow into who they will become. the one trend i've seen in my years of working with kids in various circumstance -- some teaching, swimming lessons, coaching -- is that some parents intervene on their child's behalf to the point where it is unhealthy for the child. yes, you should always be looking out for your child's best interests, but you also cannot automatically take your child's side if, say, a discipline issue occurs simply because they are your child. there seems to be a dwindling amount of respect for teachers and coaches by some parents, and i think it can work to the detriment to the child -- because that lack of respect is pass along to the child. i think some parents have a tough time believing that their children can behave like a little shit, not that they are a little shit, and that, yes, sometimes when you misbehave in practice and spit water in people's faces it becomes necessary for the coach to make your child do laps of butterfly. it is a bad thing to run onto the pool deck and scream at the coach for being punitive, when a punitive measure is exactly what was needed in order to maintain control over 50 kids thrashing about in an outdoor pool at 7:45am in July.

not that i'm speaking from personal experience.

(okay, off my soap box. thumbs up to all written above)

 

[U2Kitten]

what does that have to do with the question, exactly? every person on the planet has a mother, and it doesn't take being a mother to appreciate what qualities make a good one (and vice versa).

It's just that some of those who posted their list of ideal motherhood had mentioned before not wanting kids, so I took a bit of offense that they would tell me what to do with my kids and make me feel inadequate if I was something else. The question is subjective, because like I said, different things work for different families and situations,and no one's list, not even mine, can cover everyone! I don't have anything against people who don't have kids, in general. As I've said before, if you don't want kids, don't have them. I know a lot of very good people who don't have kids, either due to infertility, no relationship in time, or it just never happening. I'm spending Mother's Day with an aunt of mine who was never married or had any kids. She is one of the sweetest, most kind hearted and helpful people in the world, and I have always thought of her as a grandmotherly type. So that's not the issue, it's, perhaps, just a few of the people spouting lists in this thread and a bit of past history. I don't mean it to include everyone. Okay I'm leaving now.

 

[Liesje]

Now that I've been on my own for a while, I've come to appreciate my mom more and I think she was as perfect a mom as could be. So I'll just list some of my favorite qualities she taught us....

- independence
- intelligence
- open-mindedness
- self-sufficiency
- respect
- practicality
- genuineness
- thankfulness
- love/fun/happiness is always made, never bought

 

[Muggsy]

Interesting so many of the people who bragged they didn't have or never wanted kids seem to be experts on this.

The fact that I don't wanna have kids doesn't make me unable to appreciate what it takes to be a good mom and, above all, the things my mom has done for me and my sister.

So,,,, don't take it personally, U2Kitten... nobody is questioning you, we are pretty sure that you do a wonderful job with your kids, but I think that the people who post here are talking from their own experience, including mine.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Jesus it was just a question, I'm not trying to make anyone feel inadequate or question anyone, I don't know where that comes from exactly and I don't know what issues from other threads have to do w/ this-nothing imho.

Yes people have Moms even if they aren't a Mom, and they have PERSONAL issues and experiences too.

 

[Golightly Grrl]

Get off the cross, U2kitten. We need the wood.

 

[BVS]

Get off the cross, U2kitten. We need the wood.

Best post this week.

 

[MsGiggles]

She was told by her doctor she could never have kids....but had me....even to this day says I was a "gift from God".

She is so special that I GAVE AWAY 5/7 U2 tickets to spend Mother's day - weekend with her

 

[Irvine511]

She is so special that I GAVE AWAY 5/7 U2 tickets to spend Mother's day - weekend with her

wow. you certainly do love your mother.

i'd probably sell my own mother to be inside the ellipse.

well, not really ... but i wonder sometimes ...

 

[nbcrusader]

Answers given by elementary-school aged children to the following questions about Moms.


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mother?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did your mother need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mother marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mothers and dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mother do in her spare time?

1. Moms don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mother perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. Maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

 

[tiny dancer]

I feel what makes a good mother is unconditional love.

 

[BAW]

A good mom loves her kids the best she can under whatever circumstances she has been dealt

She teaches them that money does not buy happiness

She leads by example in showing them hard work pays off

She tries her best to instill in them empathy for others

She expects them to do their very best in school and doesn't give up when her child struggles and thinks he/she can't do it

She encourages them to dream big and never tells them that those dreams are silly or can't be achieved

She teaches her kids to respect other people and to respect themselves

She makes them take responsibility for their own actions, teaches them how to issue a sincere apology and makes sure she does the same in her own life

She makes sure they get enough sleep and knows by instinct when one of her kids is stressed and needs to stay home for a "mental health day"

She tells her kids that healthy, happy relationships DO exist

She doesn't EVER pit them against their father in a divorce or make her kids confidants to all the sordid details

She gives her kids privacy and space but isn't afraid to invade either when she feels that something harmful or illegal is going on

Knows when to ask what's wrong and when to simply sit quietly next to her child on the couch while they rest their head on her shoulder

She isn't afraid to be silly and makes sure her kids know how to cut loose and have fun

She doesn't sweat the small stuff...blue hair, piercings and strange clothes do not last forever in most cases and beneath it lies the same child you know and love. She knows that self expression is a good thing

She listens with both ears

She understands that boys need to cry too and never tells them otherwise

She teaches her sons to cook and her daughters how to put gas in their car

She welcomes their significant others with open arms and knows when to butt out but also when to butt in

She is truly there when her kids need her. No appointment, job, vacation or non-life-threatening obligation comes first when your child truly needs you.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

thanks BAW, that's beautiful

 

[Miggy D]

She must know how to cook.
She must know how to clean.
She must know how to raise children.
She must be without career ambitions.
She must be really hot.

 

[beegee]

And single Moms rock

that's always nice to hear.

thank you.

 

[yolland]

I think I understand where U2Kitten was coming from. Every mother I know, from a single lesbian doctor to a stay-at-home ultra-Orthodox mother of six, laughs knowingly and sheepishly when the question of 'how mothering changed your views on mothering' comes up. It's like other relationship-based endeavours: what might sound eminently righteous and sensible when you're sitting in the bleachers, analysing things from a distance, is totally different from what works when you're out there in 'real-time'--with sibling rivalries, schoolyard bullies, raging hormones, medical crises, suppressed resentments, overwhelmed teachers, marital tensions, and financial woes all piling atop each other at once. You won't have time to consult your '101 Things A Good Mother Mustn't Do' list--nor is the resulting guilt trip likely to help matters. Besides, that actually takes the focus off where it should be, namely on raising decent, fair, good-hearted children with a will to give something back to their world.

I think mothers are also (understandably) more sensitive to the judgmentality implicit in these kinds of lists. By definition, a list of 'good mother' attributes suggests those who don't fulfill its criteria are 'bad mothers,' even if only on occasion. And there's no shortage of Twelve-Step 'toxic parent' gurus around to fuel mothers' fears that parenting is some sort of perilous minefield, where one unwitting slip-up from you could emotionally mutilate your child permanently. (This goes for fathers too, of course...though lists of 'good father' traits tend to be far less exhaustive and exacting.)

Personally, I don't consider it my right or place to judge whether my mother and father were 'good' parents or not. They certainly made some mistakes; so did I. They said and did a few things that were quite hurtful; so did I. My mistakes never stopped them from believing in and loving me, though, and I feel the same way towards them. That kind of faith in one another is far more precious than anything reducible to a list of dos and don'ts.