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Old 11-19-2001, 11:54 AM   #1
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THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....

>THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....
>
> ....A CHRISTIAN:
> You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
>
> ....A SOCIALIST:
> You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
> neighbor.
>
>
> ....A REPUBLICAN:
> You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
>
>
> ....A DEMOCRAT:
> You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
> being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
> forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
> you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to
> your neighbor. You feel righteous.
>
>
> ....A COMMUNIST:
> You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
> with milk.
>
>
> ....A FASCIST:
> You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
> milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
>
>
> ....DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
> You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have
> to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one
> cow, which was a gift from your government.
>
>
> ....CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
> You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
> cows.
>
>
> ....BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
> You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
> the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
>
>
> ....AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
> the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
>
>
> ....A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
>
>
> ....A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
> size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
>
>
> ....A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100
> years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
>
>
> ....A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
> again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
> another bottle of vodka.
>
>
> ....A SWISS CORPORATION:
> You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for
> storing them for others.
>
>
> ....A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
> corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
> declares bankruptcy.
>
>
> ....A TALIBAN
> You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside"
> and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
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Old 11-19-2001, 04:03 PM   #2
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Yes indeed, that was quite funny!

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Old 11-19-2001, 04:56 PM   #3
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Outstanding.
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Old 11-19-2001, 05:51 PM   #4
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The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original.

They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output.

The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.

Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.

The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:

"Consider a spherical cow......

(source: http://www.utc.edu/physics/physicshum3.html )
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Old 11-19-2001, 07:07 PM   #5
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The Melon reinterpretation:

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....

....A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows, a nice, milk producing Holstein, and a purple cow that doesn't produce any milk. The Holstein is named the Christian ideal, while the purple cow is declared sinful, and is told to change or burn in hell.

....A SOCIALIST: Everyone has one cow. Everyone is happy, except your neighbor, who wishes he had more than everyone else, but it's too bad.

....A REPUBLICAN: You have one cow. Your neighbor has another. You create a corporation, whereas the milk is exported world-wide, while your neighbor gives it away. You then lobby to deregulate cow laws, so you can buy up your neighbor's cow and slice it into 1000 pieces as dividends for your stockholders. Your one cow now produces all the milk that can be sold.

....A DEMOCRAT: You have no cows. Your neighbor has two, whereas he charges high prices for low milk production. You vote people into office who try your neighbor on antitrust laws, forcing your neighbor to divest one, where then both cows are milked to capacity with lower prices.

....A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both, forces you to milk them and take care of them for "the people," and then pays you a salary.

....A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both. You protest, but then you are shot on the spot. No milk for you!

....DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. It is time to elect the cow inspector, as required by the Constitution. They go on a massive smear campaign, saying that one candidate will make your cow infertile, while the other points to the fact that many go without cows. Either candidate just ignores his duties.

....CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have one cow. You see your neighbor has a better cow, so you buy it up to suppress it. You have the best cow now.

....BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. In order to sell the milk, you are required to file 100 government forms, while each form has a "non-refundable processing fee" of no less than $50. After you pay for it all, you realize that your cows do not have sufficient utters as legally required to sell the milk, and your application is denied.

....AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You tell your stockholders that you have four cows. You get a nice profit forecast from a financier you bought earlier, and you become the new fad stock. You then feed your cows experimental hormones that make them produce the milk of four cows each. One of them dies a miserable and grotesque death. But you have the same milk as the four cows. Who cares?

....A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Your neighbor and the entire neighborhood goes on strike because his job is being axed, along with one of the cows.

....A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk, which tastes like bubblegum. You put in a package with Mr. Sparkle on the bottle, and everyone buys it, because they don't want to feel unpopular.

....A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You milk them only four days a week.

....A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. The state owns 51% of yours, while owning the rest of the cows in Russia. You make milk that the government doesn't like ideologically, so you are taken over.

....A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, which you store and circulate worldwide. You are then subpoenaed to locate which cows have milked for terrorist operations. You, at first refuse, but then give in.

....A TALIBAN: You have two cows. You, the husband, are shot, because your beard isn't the right size. You, the wife, are shot, because your ankle is showing. Your cows are then shot, and are then broadcast as being killed by the Americans. They then organize mass protests.

Heh...

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

[This message has been edited by melon (edited 11-19-2001).]

[This message has been edited by melon (edited 11-19-2001).]
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Old 11-19-2001, 08:16 PM   #6
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Melon: You annoy me.

CK
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Old 11-19-2001, 10:17 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by TheU2:
Melon: You annoy me.

CK
Krasno!

ML
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Old 11-20-2001, 01:26 AM   #8
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great read 80's!!!

How about nobody has any cows because mad-cow and foot and mouth kills them all!!!

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"we're not burning out we're burning up...we're the loudest folk band in the world!"-Bono
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Old 11-20-2001, 03:54 AM   #9
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LMAO!

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Old 11-20-2001, 10:44 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by melon:
The Melon reinterpretation:

....A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk, which tastes like bubblegum. You put in a package with Mr. Sparkle on the bottle, and everyone buys it, because they don't want to feel unpopular.
The new-and-improved Japanese milk also has to be named "Happy Delicious Sweet Lucky Awesome Tasty Milk."
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Old 11-20-2001, 06:06 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by TheU2:
Melon: You annoy me.

CK
No, CK! Melon is totally krasno!

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Old 11-20-2001, 06:14 PM   #12
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I thought Melon was annoying and Whortense was krasno. Is it the other way around?
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Old 11-20-2001, 07:29 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by Klodomir:
I thought Melon was annoying and Whortense was krasno. Is it the other way around?
Actually, Whortense is a bexy sitch and Melon is totally krasno.

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Old 11-21-2001, 05:07 AM   #14
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Melon the Krasno then?

Not AH
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Old 11-21-2001, 01:07 PM   #15
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OMG! The whole thread is fecking funny!!

Lol @ bonoman!!
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