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Old 06-13-2004, 10:54 AM   #1
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The sanctity of divorce

Too many people I know are divorced, sperating or somewhere in the process of, and too often I hear people start to preach about the sancity of marriage being non existant. I really dont agree with that. I think in many cases it is indeed there and the bowing out of a marriage is an absolute last resort. But they get frowned upon anyway, despite sheer misery or the fact they might have simply fallen out of love, or become such different people that it simply cannot work anymore. Upholding the sanctity is somehow more important than someone's happiness. Sometimes people go through this still believing in marriage, yet knowing theirs just isn't working anymore for whatever reason. We still and about the loss of sanctity at them. We talk about what makes a good marriage - ironically those who have themselves a good strong one - somehow forgetting that what is needed in a good one is rather different from what is needed to save a bad one. It's so easy to preach about preventing the problems in the first place and so convenient for those who can make it work, to look down upon those who can't. So what are they? Failures? Moral less infidels? Non believers in the essence of holy matrimony?

Shame, shame.
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Old 06-13-2004, 11:05 AM   #2
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I have two divorced siblings. My older brother was married to an Italian and lived in Italy for nine years. I don't know the particulars about why it didn't work, because they were "over there" and I was in the States. It was really hellish for him after he came back. It was harder because they'd had a child. It took years of therapy for him to get his act together. Now he's re-married and doing OK. It was painful to see him going through all of this . Then my sister and her husband separated in early 2002. She has a live-in boyfriend now, and she's OK. At first I was upset about her divorce, but it was explained to me that she wasn't happy with her marriage and she was better off without the guy. That's fine with me. Later on that year a local friend of mine got a divorce, and was much happier after the divorce became final. That taught me alot. She was much better off not putting up with a bunch of from an unfaithful husband. I mean if the spouse isn't faithful what's the point? It's time to stop the head games and stuff and get real, the marriage isn't working.
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Old 06-13-2004, 12:00 PM   #3
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Most people I know are divorced or in unhappy marriages they stay in because of codependency or convenience. I feel the problem is that whatever draws one person to another to make them want to get married usually doesn't last long and is never replaced with anything else. Lifelong love and devotion are so rare, but I saw it on Nancy Reagan's face. It does exist but it's the exception and not the rule, not to be cynical, only realistic.
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Old 06-13-2004, 04:38 PM   #4
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Well my marriage of 11 years is now officially a longer marriage than two of my parrents 10 marriages.

I recommend not falling out of love, and that does not mean there are not lulls in any relationship. People who are in love find a way through them. Usually I work through them with wip cream. handcuffs and lots of leather but that is another story all together.

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Old 06-13-2004, 04:42 PM   #5
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yea dread!

The key words:
Quote:
work through them
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Old 06-13-2004, 05:57 PM   #6
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how do you work through growing apart or falling out of love though?

I wasn't married, but when my ex girlfriend and I were drifting apart I did about anything I could think of to fight for us staying together
it didn't work though, quite rightly, since all we ended up doing was working and fighting to stay together so hard that we didn't even find time to love each other anymore

we fought hard
and it was an even tougher fight to be able to admit to myself that we just didn't have enough in common anymore

as they say in cartoons:
"that's all folks"
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Old 06-13-2004, 06:26 PM   #7
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My fifteenth wedding anniversary is a week away, but knew each other for years before we married. Divorce when you must, but don't marry with 'well, we can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out' in the back of your mind. Make sure of your compatibilty before you take your vows, it's not a little thing!
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Old 06-13-2004, 06:32 PM   #8
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To quote the Sunscreen Song:

Quote:
Maybe you'll marry,
maybe you won't,
maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't,
maybe you'll divorce at 40,
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...
whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either-
your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's.
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Old 06-13-2004, 06:53 PM   #9
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I disagree.....But neat song.
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Old 06-13-2004, 07:00 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by najeena
My fifteenth wedding anniversary is a week away, but knew each other for years before we married. Divorce when you must, but don't marry with 'well, we can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out' in the back of your mind. Make sure of your compatibilty before you take your vows, it's not a little thing!
Congrats! We dated for 5 years before we married....Actually she has married me twice...poor girl
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Old 06-13-2004, 07:07 PM   #11
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I've gone through a divorce here recently. 3 years dating, 1 year engaged, and two married. She was no longer the person I fell in love with, she was so far from who I knew that even her friends and family didn't recognise her. I did everything I could to salvage the relationship, but it has to work from both ends and this was definately a one sided relationship the last year or so. Divorce was the only thing we had left. I always told myself that when I marry it will be for life, but I was stuck I had no choice. I beat myself up for a long time, thinking I was a failure. I have been surrounded by way too much divorce in my life and I never took marriage lightly. I agree there is far too much divorce, too many go into marriage knowing there is divorce in case it doesn't work out. Divorce should never be used as a safety net, but unfortunately it is far too often. The sanctity of marriage is destroyed by nothing more than the fact that people no longer take it seriously anymore. It's just like everything else in this world. Commitments mean nothing anymore. People are buying themselves out of contracts left and right, finding ways to avoid paying their debts, etc, it's the way of the 21st century. It's really the sanctity of a commitment that we're lacking.
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Old 06-13-2004, 07:10 PM   #12
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I don't think that the divorce rate is higher now because people are inherently lazier or anything like that.

The question is, how many marriages 100 years ago would have ended had there been viable societal choices, particularly for the women involved? Right now, you don't really need to be married to be financially stable as a single person, society is much more accepting of single parents, and so it's easier to leave because you don't have to stay. Before, there was pretty much no choice - it was a matter of survival rather than love.
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Old 06-13-2004, 07:37 PM   #13
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I agree with Anitram and disagree with Dreadsox (Actually, I could probably make that statement my signature )

There is more choice these days. A person doesnt necessarily feel compelled by society to stay in an obusive relationship any more. Nor does the old adage of staying in an abusive relationship for the 'good of the children' hold water any more. The best place for children is away from harm - with or without the family unit in tact.

Also, I dont believe people can always tell at the point of marriage if their partner is going to abusive. Statisically that kind of behavour usually surfaces around the time of the birth of the first child.
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Old 06-13-2004, 07:46 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by beli
I agree with Anitram and disagree with Dreadsox (Actually, I could probably make that statement my signature )

There is more choice these days. A person doesnt necessarily feel compelled by society to stay in an obusive relationship any more. Nor does the old adage of staying in an abusive relationship for the 'good of the children' hold water any more. The best place for children is away from harm - with or without the family unit in tact.

Also, I dont believe people can always tell at the point of marriage if their partner is going to abusive. Statisically that kind of behavour usually surfaces around the time of the birth of the first child.
I agree, but I wonder what the percentages of divorces come from abusive relationships or cases that can't be worked out to the J-los and Brittney Spear type marriages where it's just gone into without any real seriousness.
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Old 06-13-2004, 08:13 PM   #15
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Ummm...I am not sure where I said something to disagree with. But fine...I do not believe it is luck and it takes two people to make it work. Not ONE. As I said, have been through TEN divorces involving my parents. I understand abusive relationships, and I understand people not turning out with the same personality. So please, give it a rest and stop reading into what I have said as meaning people should stay in abusive relationships.
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