The sanctity of divorce

[Angela Harlem]

Too many people I know are divorced, sperating or somewhere in the process of, and too often I hear people start to preach about the sancity of marriage being non existant. I really dont agree with that. I think in many cases it is indeed there and the bowing out of a marriage is an absolute last resort. But they get frowned upon anyway, despite sheer misery or the fact they might have simply fallen out of love, or become such different people that it simply cannot work anymore. Upholding the sanctity is somehow more important than someone's happiness. Sometimes people go through this still believing in marriage, yet knowing theirs just isn't working anymore for whatever reason. We still and about the loss of sanctity at them. We talk about what makes a good marriage - ironically those who have themselves a good strong one - somehow forgetting that what is needed in a good one is rather different from what is needed to save a bad one. It's so easy to preach about preventing the problems in the first place and so convenient for those who can make it work, to look down upon those who can't. So what are they? Failures? Moral less infidels? Non believers in the essence of holy matrimony?

Shame, shame.

 

[verte76]

I have two divorced siblings. My older brother was married to an Italian and lived in Italy for nine years. I don't know the particulars about why it didn't work, because they were "over there" and I was in the States. It was really hellish for him after he came back. It was harder because they'd had a child. It took years of therapy for him to get his act together. Now he's re-married and doing OK. It was painful to see him going through all of this . Then my sister and her husband separated in early 2002. She has a live-in boyfriend now, and she's OK. At first I was upset about her divorce, but it was explained to me that she wasn't happy with her marriage and she was better off without the guy. That's fine with me. Later on that year a local friend of mine got a divorce, and was much happier after the divorce became final. That taught me alot. She was much better off not putting up with a bunch of from an unfaithful husband. I mean if the spouse isn't faithful what's the point? It's time to stop the head games and stuff and get real, the marriage isn't working.

 

[Seabird]

Most people I know are divorced or in unhappy marriages they stay in because of codependency or convenience. I feel the problem is that whatever draws one person to another to make them want to get married usually doesn't last long and is never replaced with anything else. Lifelong love and devotion are so rare, but I saw it on Nancy Reagan's face. It does exist but it's the exception and not the rule, not to be cynical, only realistic.

 

[Dreadsox]

Well my marriage of 11 years is now officially a longer marriage than two of my parrents 10 marriages.

I recommend not falling out of love, and that does not mean there are not lulls in any relationship. People who are in love find a way through them. Usually I work through them with wip cream. handcuffs and lots of leather but that is another story all together.

 

[nbcrusader]

yea dread!

The key words:

work through them

 

[Salome]

how do you work through growing apart or falling out of love though?

I wasn't married, but when my ex girlfriend and I were drifting apart I did about anything I could think of to fight for us staying together
it didn't work though, quite rightly, since all we ended up doing was working and fighting to stay together so hard that we didn't even find time to love each other anymore

we fought hard
and it was an even tougher fight to be able to admit to myself that we just didn't have enough in common anymore

as they say in cartoons:
"that's all folks"

 

[najeena]

My fifteenth wedding anniversary is a week away, but knew each other for years before we married. Divorce when you must, but don't marry with 'well, we can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out' in the back of your mind. Make sure of your compatibilty before you take your vows, it's not a little thing!

 

[beli]

To quote the Sunscreen Song:

Maybe you'll marry,
maybe you won't,
maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't,
maybe you'll divorce at 40,
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...
whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either-
your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's.

 

[Dreadsox]

I disagree.....But neat song.

 

[Dreadsox]

My fifteenth wedding anniversary is a week away, but knew each other for years before we married. Divorce when you must, but don't marry with 'well, we can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out' in the back of your mind. Make sure of your compatibilty before you take your vows, it's not a little thing!

Congrats! We dated for 5 years before we married....Actually she has married me twice...poor girl

 

[BVS]

I've gone through a divorce here recently. 3 years dating, 1 year engaged, and two married. She was no longer the person I fell in love with, she was so far from who I knew that even her friends and family didn't recognise her. I did everything I could to salvage the relationship, but it has to work from both ends and this was definately a one sided relationship the last year or so. Divorce was the only thing we had left. I always told myself that when I marry it will be for life, but I was stuck I had no choice. I beat myself up for a long time, thinking I was a failure. I have been surrounded by way too much divorce in my life and I never took marriage lightly. I agree there is far too much divorce, too many go into marriage knowing there is divorce in case it doesn't work out. Divorce should never be used as a safety net, but unfortunately it is far too often. The sanctity of marriage is destroyed by nothing more than the fact that people no longer take it seriously anymore. It's just like everything else in this world. Commitments mean nothing anymore. People are buying themselves out of contracts left and right, finding ways to avoid paying their debts, etc, it's the way of the 21st century. It's really the sanctity of a commitment that we're lacking.

 

[anitram]

I don't think that the divorce rate is higher now because people are inherently lazier or anything like that.

The question is, how many marriages 100 years ago would have ended had there been viable societal choices, particularly for the women involved? Right now, you don't really need to be married to be financially stable as a single person, society is much more accepting of single parents, and so it's easier to leave because you don't have to stay. Before, there was pretty much no choice - it was a matter of survival rather than love.

 

[beli]

I agree with Anitram and disagree with Dreadsox (Actually, I could probably make that statement my signature )

There is more choice these days. A person doesnt necessarily feel compelled by society to stay in an obusive relationship any more. Nor does the old adage of staying in an abusive relationship for the 'good of the children' hold water any more. The best place for children is away from harm - with or without the family unit in tact.

Also, I dont believe people can always tell at the point of marriage if their partner is going to abusive. Statisically that kind of behavour usually surfaces around the time of the birth of the first child.

 

[BVS]

I agree with Anitram and disagree with Dreadsox (Actually, I could probably make that statement my signature )

There is more choice these days. A person doesnt necessarily feel compelled by society to stay in an obusive relationship any more. Nor does the old adage of staying in an abusive relationship for the 'good of the children' hold water any more. The best place for children is away from harm - with or without the family unit in tact.

Also, I dont believe people can always tell at the point of marriage if their partner is going to abusive. Statisically that kind of behavour usually surfaces around the time of the birth of the first child.

I agree, but I wonder what the percentages of divorces come from abusive relationships or cases that can't be worked out to the J-los and Brittney Spear type marriages where it's just gone into without any real seriousness.

 

[Dreadsox]

Ummm...I am not sure where I said something to disagree with. But fine...I do not believe it is luck and it takes two people to make it work. Not ONE. As I said, have been through TEN divorces involving my parents. I understand abusive relationships, and I understand people not turning out with the same personality. So please, give it a rest and stop reading into what I have said as meaning people should stay in abusive relationships.

 

[Dreadsox]

I've gone through a divorce here recently. 3 years dating, 1 year engaged, and two married. She was no longer the person I fell in love with, she was so far from who I knew that even her friends and family didn't recognise her. I did everything I could to salvage the relationship, but it has to work from both ends and this was definately a one sided relationship the last year or so.

 

[Dreadsox]

I agree there is far too much divorce, too many go into marriage knowing there is divorce in case it doesn't work out. Divorce should never be used as a safety net, but unfortunately it is far too often. The sanctity of marriage is destroyed by nothing more than the fact that people no longer take it seriously anymore. It's just like everything else in this world. Commitments mean nothing anymore. People are buying themselves out of contracts left and right, finding ways to avoid paying their debts, etc, it's the way of the 21st century. It's really the sanctity of a commitment that we're lacking.

Careful, you will wind up being in the I agree with Dreadsox signature...

 

[anitram]

I think you don't even have to go to the extreme of abusive relationships. There are plenty of people who may have gotten married too young or when they weren't ready or stable and then 10-15 years down the road find that they just aren't meant to stay together forever. 100 years ago, you'd swallow that bitter pill and stay married because what options did you have? End up on the street, penniless, shunned by society? Now, if people come to the conclusion they don't want to stay together until death do them part, they have other, viable options. Not everything is fixable and I think that's not because people are necessarily always unwilling to honour a commitment, but because when I look around at the people who are getting married, I can honestly tell you that at least half of them have no business being married in the first place. But when you are in love, you often don't see that straightaway.

 

[BVS]

Not everything is fixable and I think that's not because people are necessarily always unwilling to honour a commitment, but because when I look around at the people who are getting married, I can honestly tell you that at least half of them have no business being married in the first place. But when you are in love, you often don't see that straightaway.

But those who are getting married and probably have no business getting married aren't capable of understanding the commitment they are taking on and that's my point. They are jumping into something they haven't really thought through. I know that sounds very elementary, but honestly so many don't think it through.

 

[OzAurora]

I must be a heathen or something, but I dont really believe in marriage, full stop. To me it is just a piece of paper, and you an your partner can read into the values and the rest all you like. But for me I dont need a piece of paper to tell me that I am commited to someone and love them. Anyway, I have a couple friend who have been together for about 15 years- they have never been married, but they may as well be and they are the happiest couple I know. One of my closest friends just got divorced this year- she married when she was 19 to a guy she met travelling in South Africa, needless to say, she was to young etc etc and now that she is divorced both of them are just getting on with their lives so much more and they are both more happy.

And another case is my parents- married for 20 years, they still loved each but were not in love with each other, they had grown apart and now I look at them and wonder how they were ever together as long as they were- they both seem so different now. Anyway I guess I do agree that some people can meet someone who they will grow with and love forever, however I think this is very rare- I look at myself and know that even I am a different person than who I was only 5 years ago- people change and I personally believe that to stay in relationships where you are not happy is just not right. So I dont think that there is anything wrong with divorce and I would never look down on someone for being divorced just the same as I wouldnt look down on someone for being married- even though it aint my thing, hell, I love a good wedding and all the free booze!!!!!!!

 

[Dreadsox]

But when you are in love, you often don't see that straightaway.

Then was it love?

 

[anitram]

I think sure, it may have been. You can love people and not have it be forever. You may have loved 3 women prior to marrying your wife, and that doesn't mean you would have stayed with them forever.

 

[beli]

It was the luck thing I was disagreeing with Dread. Yes it does take two people to make a relationship work but there is also a large chunk of luck involved. IMHO. People change, the world changes, life changes. I agree with OzAurora, Im not the same person I was 5, 10, 15 years, ago. Nor is my husband. Nor should either of us expect to be. Sometimes couples change together, sometimes couples change in different directions. There are no guarantees that if both parties commit themselves completely to a marriage that it will work out. Circumstance has a lot to do with it.

I agree with the words of the song. In most cases a successful marriage is not a reason for congratulations nor is an unsuccessful marriage a reason for beratement either.

Reading your posts you have known your partner for 16 years. Hubby and I are up to 13 years. Which is wonderful for us (and you and yours Dread) but by the same token I dont believe couples who have not made it this far are anyway deficient. Just unlucky. Okay theres some stupid people too but largely most people I know have entered marriage wanting to give it their best shot and some times it just simply hasnt worked out.

peace

 

[wolfeden]

I don't get aggro at people I know who're divorcing because of the divorce, I get annoyed because they usually had no friggin business getting married in the first place...

which is sort of strange when I try to see it in the abstract... I never fault someone for divorcing, but I do get angry over what's meant to be a celebratory thing....??

 

[Angela Harlem]

How can anyone tell if 2 people had no business getting married? That is just plain bewildering. To assume you might know what is right or best for 2 completely seperate people in regard to a relationship you'd have absolutely no knowledge of.

 

[BVS]

Well I have a cousin who's only 32 and had gone through three divorces before he was 30 and all three I knew wouldn't last...the last two he even said well whenever we get divorced I'll just...So he had already made up his mind they weren't forever.

So there are some you can say they have no business getting married.

 

[Dreadsox]

I do not believe luck has anything to do with it.

As a child of divorce x10, I understand the shame people place, and I do not agree with it.

I also do not believe that what I felt as a child towards other people when I was dating is/was true love. True love, in my opinion is when you and your partner work through things. That is the whole thing with me. When BOTH people are willing to work when the wonderful HONEYMOON LOVE has left the building, that is love. In my opinion it takes two people to sustain that kind of love. Does the honeymoon love feeling come back, yes it does, but it is not always present.

Just an opinion.

 

[Salome]

hmm, I don't know

my last relationship lasted for about 5 1/2 years
and we worked our butts of the last year to try and make it work

I guess someone else's opinion could be that we still didn't work hard enough
or that it wasn't true love

but even though I recognize now that we wouldn't have lasted because we were way too different to this day I would take offense to anyone telling me it wasn't based on true love for a long time

it is a combination of true love, working hard AND some luck (at least) in my opinion
people will always grow and change
if you change into a similar direction or at least not too far apart then perhaps you are not by definition lucky, but at least you aren't unlucky enough to drift apart from each other

 

[Angela Harlem]

I don't think love is a concious choice.

 

[Salome]

it would probably be a lot easier if it was a concious choice

everyone can chose to be/stay together
to be truly happy that way is where the problem seems to be