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Old 06-13-2004, 08:15 PM   #16
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Originally posted by BonoVoxSupastar
I've gone through a divorce here recently. 3 years dating, 1 year engaged, and two married. She was no longer the person I fell in love with, she was so far from who I knew that even her friends and family didn't recognise her. I did everything I could to salvage the relationship, but it has to work from both ends and this was definately a one sided relationship the last year or so.
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Old 06-13-2004, 08:22 PM   #17
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I agree there is far too much divorce, too many go into marriage knowing there is divorce in case it doesn't work out. Divorce should never be used as a safety net, but unfortunately it is far too often. The sanctity of marriage is destroyed by nothing more than the fact that people no longer take it seriously anymore. It's just like everything else in this world. Commitments mean nothing anymore. People are buying themselves out of contracts left and right, finding ways to avoid paying their debts, etc, it's the way of the 21st century. It's really the sanctity of a commitment that we're lacking.
Careful, you will wind up being in the I agree with Dreadsox signature...
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Old 06-13-2004, 08:41 PM   #18
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I think you don't even have to go to the extreme of abusive relationships. There are plenty of people who may have gotten married too young or when they weren't ready or stable and then 10-15 years down the road find that they just aren't meant to stay together forever. 100 years ago, you'd swallow that bitter pill and stay married because what options did you have? End up on the street, penniless, shunned by society? Now, if people come to the conclusion they don't want to stay together until death do them part, they have other, viable options. Not everything is fixable and I think that's not because people are necessarily always unwilling to honour a commitment, but because when I look around at the people who are getting married, I can honestly tell you that at least half of them have no business being married in the first place. But when you are in love, you often don't see that straightaway.
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Old 06-13-2004, 09:01 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by anitram
Not everything is fixable and I think that's not because people are necessarily always unwilling to honour a commitment, but because when I look around at the people who are getting married, I can honestly tell you that at least half of them have no business being married in the first place. But when you are in love, you often don't see that straightaway.
But those who are getting married and probably have no business getting married aren't capable of understanding the commitment they are taking on and that's my point. They are jumping into something they haven't really thought through. I know that sounds very elementary, but honestly so many don't think it through.
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Old 06-13-2004, 09:02 PM   #20
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I must be a heathen or something, but I dont really believe in marriage, full stop. To me it is just a piece of paper, and you an your partner can read into the values and the rest all you like. But for me I dont need a piece of paper to tell me that I am commited to someone and love them. Anyway, I have a couple friend who have been together for about 15 years- they have never been married, but they may as well be and they are the happiest couple I know. One of my closest friends just got divorced this year- she married when she was 19 to a guy she met travelling in South Africa, needless to say, she was to young etc etc and now that she is divorced both of them are just getting on with their lives so much more and they are both more happy.

And another case is my parents- married for 20 years, they still loved each but were not in love with each other, they had grown apart and now I look at them and wonder how they were ever together as long as they were- they both seem so different now. Anyway I guess I do agree that some people can meet someone who they will grow with and love forever, however I think this is very rare- I look at myself and know that even I am a different person than who I was only 5 years ago- people change and I personally believe that to stay in relationships where you are not happy is just not right. So I dont think that there is anything wrong with divorce and I would never look down on someone for being divorced just the same as I wouldnt look down on someone for being married- even though it aint my thing, hell, I love a good wedding and all the free booze!!!!!!!
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Old 06-13-2004, 09:28 PM   #21
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But when you are in love, you often don't see that straightaway.
Then was it love?
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Old 06-13-2004, 09:33 PM   #22
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I think sure, it may have been. You can love people and not have it be forever. You may have loved 3 women prior to marrying your wife, and that doesn't mean you would have stayed with them forever.
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Old 06-13-2004, 09:33 PM   #23
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It was the luck thing I was disagreeing with Dread. Yes it does take two people to make a relationship work but there is also a large chunk of luck involved. IMHO. People change, the world changes, life changes. I agree with OzAurora, Im not the same person I was 5, 10, 15 years, ago. Nor is my husband. Nor should either of us expect to be. Sometimes couples change together, sometimes couples change in different directions. There are no guarantees that if both parties commit themselves completely to a marriage that it will work out. Circumstance has a lot to do with it.

I agree with the words of the song. In most cases a successful marriage is not a reason for congratulations nor is an unsuccessful marriage a reason for beratement either.

Reading your posts you have known your partner for 16 years. Hubby and I are up to 13 years. Which is wonderful for us (and you and yours Dread) but by the same token I dont believe couples who have not made it this far are anyway deficient. Just unlucky. Okay theres some stupid people too but largely most people I know have entered marriage wanting to give it their best shot and some times it just simply hasnt worked out.

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Old 06-13-2004, 09:55 PM   #24
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I don't get aggro at people I know who're divorcing because of the divorce, I get annoyed because they usually had no friggin business getting married in the first place...

which is sort of strange when I try to see it in the abstract... I never fault someone for divorcing, but I do get angry over what's meant to be a celebratory thing....??
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Old 06-14-2004, 12:16 AM   #25
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How can anyone tell if 2 people had no business getting married? That is just plain bewildering. To assume you might know what is right or best for 2 completely seperate people in regard to a relationship you'd have absolutely no knowledge of.
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Old 06-14-2004, 12:54 AM   #26
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Well I have a cousin who's only 32 and had gone through three divorces before he was 30 and all three I knew wouldn't last...the last two he even said well whenever we get divorced I'll just...So he had already made up his mind they weren't forever.

So there are some you can say they have no business getting married.
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Old 06-14-2004, 07:12 AM   #27
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I do not believe luck has anything to do with it.

As a child of divorce x10, I understand the shame people place, and I do not agree with it.

I also do not believe that what I felt as a child towards other people when I was dating is/was true love. True love, in my opinion is when you and your partner work through things. That is the whole thing with me. When BOTH people are willing to work when the wonderful HONEYMOON LOVE has left the building, that is love. In my opinion it takes two people to sustain that kind of love. Does the honeymoon love feeling come back, yes it does, but it is not always present.

Just an opinion.
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Old 06-14-2004, 07:36 AM   #28
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hmm, I don't know

my last relationship lasted for about 5 1/2 years
and we worked our butts of the last year to try and make it work

I guess someone else's opinion could be that we still didn't work hard enough
or that it wasn't true love

but even though I recognize now that we wouldn't have lasted because we were way too different to this day I would take offense to anyone telling me it wasn't based on true love for a long time

it is a combination of true love, working hard AND some luck (at least) in my opinion
people will always grow and change
if you change into a similar direction or at least not too far apart then perhaps you are not by definition lucky, but at least you aren't unlucky enough to drift apart from each other
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Old 06-14-2004, 07:44 AM   #29
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I don't think love is a concious choice.
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Old 06-14-2004, 08:02 AM   #30
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it would probably be a lot easier if it was a concious choice

everyone can chose to be/stay together
to be truly happy that way is where the problem seems to be
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