"The Onion" Interviews God - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Free Your Mind > Free Your Mind Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 09-29-2001, 12:16 PM   #1
ONE
love, blood, life
 
melon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 11,781
Local Time: 12:00 AM
"The Onion" Interviews God

Now if you can't take this following article with an open mind, then I implore you not to look further. Everyone knows how irreverent "The Onion" is:

From The Onion:

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."

"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"

Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.

"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."

God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.

"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."

Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."

God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.

"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."

Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."

"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"

"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm fucking serious!"

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.

What do you think?

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time
__________________

__________________
melon is offline  
Old 09-29-2001, 05:54 PM   #2
New Yorker
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Los Angeles, CA USA
Posts: 2,551
Local Time: 10:00 PM
I had never read The Onion before, but this particular issue is brilliant and extremely amusing. After the "God Angrily Clarifies..." article that you cited, melon, I liked the one titled "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake." Oh my god, I was ROLLING with laughter! And the "On TV Tonight" schedule... bwahahahahahahaha! Too much.
__________________

__________________
pub crawler is offline  
Old 09-29-2001, 07:31 PM   #3
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 12:00 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by melon:
Now if you can't take this following article with an open mind, then I implore you not to look further. What do you think?
Melon
Melon, the following statement is no way directed toward you, but at the article itself. To be honest, I think that there are many people with "an open mind" who would find this article offense, as well as those of us who are accused of having closed minds.
__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
Old 09-30-2001, 09:18 PM   #4
War Child
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 940
Local Time: 05:00 AM
Oh I love the Onion.
__________________
TylerDurden is offline  
Old 10-01-2001, 04:31 AM   #5
Refugee
 
Klodomir's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Denmark
Posts: 1,198
Local Time: 06:00 AM
I had forgotten about The Onion. I loved this article, and I'm definitely going to start reading The Onion regularly again.
__________________
Klodomir is offline  
Old 10-01-2001, 08:28 AM   #6
The Fly
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Athens GR
Posts: 292
Local Time: 05:00 AM
I totally agree with Him.

------------------
"Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind." JFK
__________________
Sledgehammer is offline  
Old 10-01-2001, 04:40 PM   #7
Rock n' Roll Doggie
VIP PASS
 
kobayashi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: the ether
Posts: 5,142
Local Time: 01:00 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by 80sU2isBest:
Quote:
Originally posted by melon:
Now if you can't take this following article with an open mind, then I implore you not to look further. What do you think?
Melon
Melon, the following statement is no way directed toward you, but at the article itself. To be honest, I think that there are many people with "an open mind" who would find this article offense, as well as those of us who are accused of having closed minds.
they definetely walk a fine line and they must be aware of that(i'm sure they hear they cross that line from moment to moment)
but such a presence is neccessary in our world. they provide balance.

------------------
i'm a reasonable man
get off my case
__________________
kobayashi is offline  
Old 10-02-2001, 12:35 PM   #8
I Serve Larry's Stick
 
clarityat3am's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 2,996
Local Time: 12:00 AM
I don't think it's offensive whatsoever. It's the Onion. Pure parody, satire, whatever you want to call it. I think if you can't laugh at it for one reason or another that you take life way too seriously, imho.
__________________
clarityat3am is offline  
Old 10-02-2001, 12:52 PM   #9
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 12:00 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by clarityat3am:
I don't think it's offensive whatsoever. It's the Onion. Pure parody, satire, whatever you want to call it. I think if you can't laugh at it for one reason or another that you take life way too seriously, imho.
I've laughed at some of the things the Onion has printed over the years, but not at this. I think this attributes to God some things that are definitely not in his nature. And I won't laugh at that. And yes, i do take life seriously. It's not a game. Things like this od matter, in my opinion.

__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
Old 10-03-2001, 04:12 PM   #10
Acrobat
 
Not George Lucas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: South Bend, IN USA
Posts: 399
Local Time: 05:00 AM
Some people spend all their lives trying to figure out the true nature of God, and, somehow, you just know it? I find that a little hard to believe.
__________________
Not George Lucas is offline  
Old 10-03-2001, 04:24 PM   #11
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 12:00 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by Not George Lucas:
Some people spend all their lives trying to figure out the true nature of God, and, somehow, you just know it? I find that a little hard to believe.
I don't "just know it". It has been revealed to me and others through His word. It's there for you if you would like.

Here's a concept for you. My new nature is Christ, in fact, as is the case with all Christians.

1)One thing that I know is not in God's nature is to use the "f" word. How do I know that? I know that because God invented sex as a sacred thing, and is not intended to be taken as a casual thing. When the "f" word is used, as in this article, it is used flippantly.

2)Another thing that is not right (so it is against God's nature) are not the same, as the "god" of this article implies. I am a Christian, but I know that if Islam is true, Christianity is not, as both claim to be the only way. How can 2 religions that have totally different ways of salvation both be the way to salvation? It is not in God's nature to lie, so God would not have said what this author has him saying.

And yes, I know it's just an article, but I take offense at it.
__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
Old 10-04-2001, 11:02 AM   #12
Acrobat
 
Not George Lucas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: South Bend, IN USA
Posts: 399
Local Time: 05:00 AM
First of all, the word "fuck" is not limited to sex. It has many connotations. There's really no reason for God not to use the word, as words alone have no moral value. "Fuck" is only a bad word because we have been socialized to believe that.

Secondly, the overall message of pretty much all major religions can be summed up into two words: Play nice. I think that that's what it's trying to say.

Third, how can you know what God's word is? All you have is assumption and speculation. You say God's nature was revealed in his word. Did God tell you this personally, or did you read it? If you read it, how do you know it's true? If God spoke to you, how do you know it was God?

Like many people, you are confusing faith with knowledge. Please stop it.

That being said, lighten up. It's only the Onion.

------------------
<A HREF="http://"http://www.iusb.edu/~preimers/monkey.jpg"" TARGET=_blank>It's a monkey!</A>
__________________
Not George Lucas is offline  
Old 10-04-2001, 12:03 PM   #13
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 12:00 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by Not George Lucas:
First of all, the word "fuck" is not limited to sex. It has many connotations. There's really no reason for God not to use the word, as words alone have no moral value. "Fuck" is only a bad word because we have been socialized to believe that.
Secondly, the overall message of pretty much all major religions can be summed up into two words: Play nice. I think that that's what it's trying to say.
Third, how can you know what God's word is? All you have is assumption and speculation. You say God's nature was revealed in his word. Did God tell you this personally, or did you read it? If you read it, how do you know it's true? If God spoke to you, how do you know it was God?
Like many people, you are confusing faith with knowledge. Please stop it.
That being said, lighten up. It's only the Onion.
NGL, you tell me to lighten up. You are the one who should lighten up. At the end of the original post, Melon asked "What do you think?" I posted what I think. he obviously doesn't have a problem with me posting what I think. Why should you?
I have faith in Christ as the word of God. That's what I believe. Everything I say is painted by what I believe. Don't you believe in anything? If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for everything.
And the following is fact, not just belief. If you think the "basic message" of Judaism, Christianity and Islam is "play nice", you obviously don't know much about these religions. Go read the Old Testament, New Testament, and Koran, and then come back and tell me the message is "play nice".

And to answer your question, many things have been revealed to my spirit by His spirit, and much is revealed in the Bible. Christians understand how that is.

One example of The Lord speaking to my spirit was when He saved my life one time. I know it was Him. Once, I was approaching an intersection in which I had a green light. He told me to stop, because that car wasn't going to stop. I looked to my right and the car had the red light, and was making every indication of slowing down. But He kept telling me to stop at the intersection. I did, and looked over at the car. And he had stopped. However, when I turned my head back to the intersection, a car from teh other direction came speeding through, busting the red light at a very high rate of speed. That was the car He was speaking about. He spoke to me in a time of danger, and had I not listened, I would have probably been killed, judging by that car's speed. There have been other times his Spirit have spoken to me and confirmed things to me.
And I have seen absolute miracles before, that COULD NOT have been anything else, but a work form the Creator. In 1990, as my father lay dying of pneumonia that had filled both lungs, the doctor told us to gather our family, because it wouldn't be long. But I knew it wasn't my Dad's time yet. Something jsut told me that so I prayed and prayed, and so did my brother and friend. The doctor came in (I think I remember that it was the next day) and told us that the pneumonia had suddenly left both lungs, and that the medicine had not been the cause, and they had no idea why it happened. I know why. Because God worked a miracle.

[This message has been edited by 80sU2isBest (edited 10-04-2001).]
__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
Old 10-05-2001, 01:27 PM   #14
socalu2fan
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Local Time: 05:00 AM
80s you rock.
__________________
 
Old 10-06-2001, 12:25 AM   #15
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 12:00 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by socalu2fan:
80s you rock.
Thanks, socalu2fan.
I'v read some of your posts, and you rock, also! Keep on Rockin For The Rock!
__________________

__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:00 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com