Macfistowannabe
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
www.darwinawards.com
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"Killer Shades"
2003 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(17 September 2003, San Francisco, California)
Barry Bonds had just made the last out at the bottom of the eighth inning. By coincidence, Todd Edward Adams, a Hawaiian surfer dude who had recently relocated to Santa Cruz for the gnarly waves at Maverick’s, was bumming the last beer from a new friend at the San Francisco Giants’ ballpark at the same time.
Todd was leaning back over the railing of the Arcade port walk, getting to the “bottom eighth” of a beer, when his Maui Jim* designer sunglasses slipped off the top of his head. Down they fell, landing twenty-five feet below, where a helpful bum picked them up and tried to toss them back. But it was too far! Todd called out that he was coming down to get them.
His wife, Kathy, described Todd as “a passionate surfer” talented enough to turn pro. Perhaps his sense of physical prowess was his downfall. The agile 38-year-old briefly considered the long walk down, and then came up with an alternative. He climbed over the railing, jumped to perch on a light sconce five feet below, then dropped like Tarzan to the ground, gratefully reclaiming his shades from the bum.
At least, that was the plan, and the first part, climbing the railing, went fine. The second part was more problematic. Todd missed the sconce and “came down like a pancake,” according to a startled observer a few feet from the point of impact. The crowd was shocked into silence. Why would anyone take such a chance for a pair of shades?
Todd would have been chagrined to hear the observer’s next words. “They looked cheap,” he said, apologizing, “I don’t know sunglasses brands.”
* Maui Jim sunglasses retail for as much as $200.
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"Hazard Befell Him"
1994 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(27 March 27 1981)
Late one March evening, Bruce Thompson woke up at the foot of a utility pole in the woods, his dog asleep by his side, and a crispy, dead raccoon nearby. Thompson realized he had suffered severe burns on his forearms, hands and genitals, which were eventually amputated.
The details came out in court, when Bruce sued the utility company for removing him from the gene pool.
He had been out ’coon hunting when his dog “caught the scent” and eagerly chased a raccoon up a power pole. The raccoon perched on a glass insulator. Bruce was prepared for just such an event, and brought out his trusty steel pole climbers. He strapped them to his boots, and made his way a dozen feet up the pole.
He began “squalling at the raccoon and slapping the pole,” causing the startled raccoon to run back and forth on the cross arm, and hit an un-insulated copper wire. That was the last thing Bruce remembered before he woke up at the bottom of the pole.
The court found Bruce contributory negligent, stating succinctly, “It [is] clear that, in climbing the utility pole, slapping and squalling at the raccoon, thereby agitating it when it was perilously close to charged wires, Thompson should have appreciated the hazard that ultimately befell him.”
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Fast Food Fatality
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
The felonious antics of two fast-food managers ended tragically when their robbery cover-up scheme went up in smoke. Lisa, 22 year-old night manager of Burger King, conspired with the 34-year-old day manager to heist over $4000 from the restaurant.
They staged an elaborate fake robbery/arson, in which Lisa acted the part of the victim bound with duct tape and trapped in the walk-in cooler, while her co-conspirator started a small fire and walked off with a duffel bag of cash. A key part of their plan was a quick "rescue" of Lisa by the local fire department.
Unfortunately the wastebasket fire went unnoticed until the morning shift arrived to find a slow-burning smolder that had never erupted into the desired blaze. The air from the open door caused the smolder to burst into flames, and firefighters were summoned. They found Lisa in the freezer, chilled and semi-conscious, and rushed her to a hospital where she died from hypothermia.
When police nabbed her bungling 34-year-old accomplice with the cash stashed in a Burger King bag, she tearfully confessed the details of the crime, implicating Lisa in her own death. Her account was verified by the fact that Lisa’s body showed no signs of forced restraint, the duct tape was loose, and she could have easily freed herself from her bindings and escaped from the unlocked refrigerator.
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Discuss.
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"Killer Shades"
2003 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(17 September 2003, San Francisco, California)
Barry Bonds had just made the last out at the bottom of the eighth inning. By coincidence, Todd Edward Adams, a Hawaiian surfer dude who had recently relocated to Santa Cruz for the gnarly waves at Maverick’s, was bumming the last beer from a new friend at the San Francisco Giants’ ballpark at the same time.
Todd was leaning back over the railing of the Arcade port walk, getting to the “bottom eighth” of a beer, when his Maui Jim* designer sunglasses slipped off the top of his head. Down they fell, landing twenty-five feet below, where a helpful bum picked them up and tried to toss them back. But it was too far! Todd called out that he was coming down to get them.
His wife, Kathy, described Todd as “a passionate surfer” talented enough to turn pro. Perhaps his sense of physical prowess was his downfall. The agile 38-year-old briefly considered the long walk down, and then came up with an alternative. He climbed over the railing, jumped to perch on a light sconce five feet below, then dropped like Tarzan to the ground, gratefully reclaiming his shades from the bum.
At least, that was the plan, and the first part, climbing the railing, went fine. The second part was more problematic. Todd missed the sconce and “came down like a pancake,” according to a startled observer a few feet from the point of impact. The crowd was shocked into silence. Why would anyone take such a chance for a pair of shades?
Todd would have been chagrined to hear the observer’s next words. “They looked cheap,” he said, apologizing, “I don’t know sunglasses brands.”
* Maui Jim sunglasses retail for as much as $200.
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"Hazard Befell Him"
1994 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(27 March 27 1981)
Late one March evening, Bruce Thompson woke up at the foot of a utility pole in the woods, his dog asleep by his side, and a crispy, dead raccoon nearby. Thompson realized he had suffered severe burns on his forearms, hands and genitals, which were eventually amputated.
The details came out in court, when Bruce sued the utility company for removing him from the gene pool.
He had been out ’coon hunting when his dog “caught the scent” and eagerly chased a raccoon up a power pole. The raccoon perched on a glass insulator. Bruce was prepared for just such an event, and brought out his trusty steel pole climbers. He strapped them to his boots, and made his way a dozen feet up the pole.
He began “squalling at the raccoon and slapping the pole,” causing the startled raccoon to run back and forth on the cross arm, and hit an un-insulated copper wire. That was the last thing Bruce remembered before he woke up at the bottom of the pole.
The court found Bruce contributory negligent, stating succinctly, “It [is] clear that, in climbing the utility pole, slapping and squalling at the raccoon, thereby agitating it when it was perilously close to charged wires, Thompson should have appreciated the hazard that ultimately befell him.”
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Fast Food Fatality
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
The felonious antics of two fast-food managers ended tragically when their robbery cover-up scheme went up in smoke. Lisa, 22 year-old night manager of Burger King, conspired with the 34-year-old day manager to heist over $4000 from the restaurant.
They staged an elaborate fake robbery/arson, in which Lisa acted the part of the victim bound with duct tape and trapped in the walk-in cooler, while her co-conspirator started a small fire and walked off with a duffel bag of cash. A key part of their plan was a quick "rescue" of Lisa by the local fire department.
Unfortunately the wastebasket fire went unnoticed until the morning shift arrived to find a slow-burning smolder that had never erupted into the desired blaze. The air from the open door caused the smolder to burst into flames, and firefighters were summoned. They found Lisa in the freezer, chilled and semi-conscious, and rushed her to a hospital where she died from hypothermia.
When police nabbed her bungling 34-year-old accomplice with the cash stashed in a Burger King bag, she tearfully confessed the details of the crime, implicating Lisa in her own death. Her account was verified by the fact that Lisa’s body showed no signs of forced restraint, the duct tape was loose, and she could have easily freed herself from her bindings and escaped from the unlocked refrigerator.
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Discuss.
