sperm donation

[Irvine511]

not sure if FYM is the place for this, but a question for the group.

but, before the question, some backstory. one of my best friends is a lesbian and she married her girlfriend in massachusetts last year. they are both going to grad school, working, etc. soon, they want to buy a house, and after saving, start a family within the next 5 years. while there is lots of time, they are already wondering if they will just adopt, or if they want to be artificially inseminated. she told me that i'm on a very short list of potential doners, should i be willing.

so, say you were me, what would you do if, in 5 years, they pop the question? anyone out there have experience with this? would love to hear from both men and women.

 

[melon]

To be honest, I don't think I could do it. But that's just me. Part of me, I guess, still has some old-fashioned tendencies about me, and I'd be hung up on the biology. I'd be hung up on the fact that someone else is carrying around one of my descendents. But hey...more power to you if you aren't bothered by any of that.

If you do do it, make sure to legally terminate your parental rights ahead of time and in writing. There has been more than one case of the sperm donor being forced to pay child support in court.

Melon

 

[Mr. BAW]

If you do do it, make sure to legally terminate your parental rights ahead of time and in writing. There has been more than one case of the sperm donor being forced to pay child support in court.

Melon

I'm sure that there are thousands of available sperm donors who would do so without a conscience or thought of what the future might bring....like a 21-year old knocking on your door, 21 years from now...don't be one of them...

What Melon says holds true in most states and with radical changes or interpretation of the law occurring daily, expect the unexpected.

Your closeness to the situation may put you in position to possibly see "your love child" on a regular basis; I for one could not walk away from that,....your emotional bond may be difficult to severe...lots of things to consider...good luck; hope you make a wise choice for all involved.

 

[Irvine511]

these are two women with whom i am close, and especially close to the one who wants to get pregnant -- there's an element of love there, and i think this woman would make an exemplary mother, and she's basically said that she would like me involved but i would be free to define that role.

i also love kids, and want kids. if the situation were right (and it may never be right, but here's hoping ...) i would adopt. but there's a part of me that wants to see my genetic material passed along, and part of me sees that as a way of getting around what i find to be the biggest tragedy of being gay (not passing along your own genes ... but then again, i could be an infertile heterosexual ...)

 

[Tinybubbles]

A very good friend of mine and her partner went the insemination route about 2 years ago. They first looked around for men they knew, but ended up flying to CA and got to choose from a list of donors. They have a beautiful baby boy now.
I think they choose this route because they wanted zero complications further down the road with a donor they knew... and it made sense to me. She got to read backrounds,educations, ethnic make-up, etc. so it really was like going shopping. Kind of fun even from a friend perspective. We had many "what if" talks...
I remember reading somewhere around here that you might want to adopt later yourself, Irv. So if you are eventually going to have kids yourself, would you want another one of your own somewhere else? Do you think once you do have kids of your own your opinion on being a donor for someone else might change?

"Every sperm is sacred.... " Come on people, sing it with me!

 

[Tinybubbles]

these are two women with whom i am close, and especially close to the one who wants to get pregnant -- there's an element of love there, and i think this woman would make an exemplary mother, and she's basically said that she would like me involved but i would be free to define that role.

Oh, woops. I think we posted at the same time. So just disregard most of what I just said, I think you answered it.
Except to say that, if you want kids then you will one day have one (or two, or whatever). Don't be discouraged. I don't think that you have to feel trapped to make a decision right now about being a donor because you may never get the chance again. That (lack of, fear, scarcity) is not a good place to make any decision from...

 

[Irvine511]

I remember reading somewhere around here that you might want to adopt later yourself, Irv. So if you are eventually going to have kids yourself, would you want another one of your own somewhere else? Do you think once you do have kids of your own your opinion on being a donor for someone else might change?

all heavy questions. yes, i think i would want to have kids, but being realistic, the odds aren't in m favor. i would never do the single parent thing, and i'm not dumb enough to adopt a child on a whim or because i'm feeling needy. if i'm going to do it, i'm going to do it right, and with someone else who feels exactly as i do.

if i were to never have children, i think i'd be more inclined to consider donation. there's this terrible fear i have of dying old and alone in a nursing home, no one to come and see me because i have no children. and while that's not a reason to have a children, it is an emotional factor (perhaps a silly, selfish one, but it's still there).

then again, not all heterosexuals have children, and many of them have children who grow up to hate them and let them die alone.

*sigh*

much to think about. if anything, i'd like to keep the discussion more theoretical than specific to my situation. i know it's as personal a decision that can be made, but it's a situation that has certain objective factors and i'm sure there must be someone out there who can offer personal experience.

 

[Tinybubbles]

*sigh*

much to think about. if anything, i'd like to keep the discussion more theoretical than specific to my situation. i know it's as personal a decision that can be made, but it's a situation that has certain objective factors and i'm sure there must be someone out there who can offer personal experience.

Sorry about that. In my real life I am a therapist and trained in marriage and family counseling (and trained in San Francisco no less) so I tend to get personal real quick... Sorry.

 

[BVS]

I was asked to donate not too long ago, but I couldn't do it. The idea that there would be this little part of me running around and I wouldn't have part in raising it, but just watching them grow up was too much for me.

 

[nbcrusader]

I share Melon's and BVS's assessment. I recall in college seeing ads paying $$ for sperm donations. As much as you could view the donation as a simple mechanical act, there is a larger, innate connection. I guess the idea of creating life with no connection or responsibility is not easy to dismiss.

 

[verte76]

If I were a guy I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't be able to let go of all of the familial aspects of the whole thing. That would be part of *me*, just floating away.........no thanks.

 

[U2democrat]

If I were a guy I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't be able to let go of all of the familial aspects of the whole thing. That would be part of *me*, just floating away.........no thanks.

I think that's how i might feel too...but i don't know...this is tough! Irvine

 

[Mr. BAW]

Remembers an old bumper sticker..

"Anyone can be a sperm donor..
it take a real man to be a Father."

 

[ILuvLarryMullen]

what I'm about to say isn't directed to your situation and it wouldn't really apply.
If I was with a man who was sterile I would never get an anonymous sperm donor, I would adopt. I couldn't create a child who would always be wondering who their father was, and unlike in adoption, I would have been the one to have created that situation. Sure maybe the mother wouldn't care about not knowing the father, but they shouldn't delude themselves into thinking that their child will feel the same way, it is selfish imo.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

"Anyone can be a sperm donor..
it take a real man to be a Father."

great quote-I think Irvine you would be a great Dad, and of course it's for you to decide. I just think there'd be so many complications and possible problems, not matter how good your relationship is with these women. I'm sure it is your nature to want to help, but you have to think of yourself too.

I hope one day you can be a Dad and have a family. Anyway, in general I think something like this can work only if all people concerned are 100 percent honest and ready, even then I'm sure there are problems. But aren't there always problems in relationships and parenting? But of course there are legal and other problems particular to this situation. I have no experience in this area whatsoever, but I'm sure you've already guessed that

 

[Angela Harlem]

How do you honestly feel about it Irvine? I have a question for some others which would only derail the thread and probably cause a fight, but I will refrain. Intersting question though.

I'd be inclined to say yes, even though I am a (somewhat ) fertile heterosexual female.

 

[verte76]

what I'm about to say isn't directed to your situation and it wouldn't really apply.
If I was with a man who was sterile I would never get an anonymous sperm donor, I would adopt. I couldn't create a child who would always be wondering who their father was, and unlike in adoption, I would have been the one to have created that situation. Sure maybe the mother wouldn't care about not knowing the father, but they shouldn't delude themselves into thinking that their child will feel the same way, it is selfish imo.

We have some neighbors, the man got sterile when he was treated for cancer. He got married, and they adopted two lovely kids from Mexico (the couple are Lebanese, for the record). Everything turned out really well for them.

 

[Irvine511]

How do you honestly feel about it Irvine? I have a question for some others which would only derail the thread and probably cause a fight, but I will refrain. Intersting question though.

i have many mixed feelings.

this is a truly wonderful woman who would make a wonderful mother, and i know she's very passionate about wanting to be pregnant and delivery a baby. she's also passionate about adoption, and she's 1/2 vietnamese, so if she adopted she'd probabaly adopt from vietnam. i have a very good relationship with her and her partner, though there's some distance between us -- i'm in DC, they're in Northampton, MA. i trust and respect these women; any child would be lucky to have them as parents. i do want to help, and there's a part of me that is absolutely fascinated by the possibility of passing on my genetic material. what would the child be like? would he look like me? etc, etc. i'm also tremendously flattered to be asked.

there's no question that if i were straight, i'd be looking to be a father, and even though i'm not, i'd still like to be a father (assuming i was in a physical and emotional place to be a good father). however, being a male-male couple, we'd probably adopt. i did see a terrific documentary called "paternal instinct" about a male couple who had a surrogate mother, and while i wouldn't put that out of the question, i believe passionately in adoption.

i do think it would be very hard not to be fully involved in the child's life, but then again, what's to prevent me from being a very devoted uncle? why couldn't i live in DC (or wherever), they live in Northampton, and the relationship is that of an uncle to his neices/nephews? am i underestimating what the pull would be? why should it necessarily be any greater than if my brother or sister were to have children?

i do think that situations like these can get messy, but i think they might also have the potential to be wonderful for the children. in my opinion, it is not having an untraditional family that is difficult for a child -- if you grow up with two moms, or one dad, or with your grandparents, it's all you know and what is normal to you as a child. what i do think is disruptive for a child are things like divorce, death, or anything that disrupts the stability of the unit. i am also sure that all of us will live in sections of the country where difference and nontraditional families are the norm. might it not be wonderful for a child to have two wonderful mommies, and also an uncle who he can call on the phone, who will send him presents on birthdays and holidays, who will come and see him, who he can come and visit ... you know, like the typical uncle relationship thing? the child would grow up with an extended family and many different adults to turn to.

there's lots to think about, and i'm just hashing these ideas out, haven't given extensive thought to them yet (no need to ... this is 5 years away).