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Old 05-02-2005, 04:41 AM   #16
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How do you honestly feel about it Irvine? I have a question for some others which would only derail the thread and probably cause a fight, but I will refrain. Intersting question though.

I'd be inclined to say yes, even though I am a (somewhat ) fertile heterosexual female.


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Old 05-02-2005, 05:10 AM   #17
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Originally posted by ILuvLarryMullen
what I'm about to say isn't directed to your situation and it wouldn't really apply.
If I was with a man who was sterile I would never get an anonymous sperm donor, I would adopt. I couldn't create a child who would always be wondering who their father was, and unlike in adoption, I would have been the one to have created that situation. Sure maybe the mother wouldn't care about not knowing the father, but they shouldn't delude themselves into thinking that their child will feel the same way, it is selfish imo.
We have some neighbors, the man got sterile when he was treated for cancer. He got married, and they adopted two lovely kids from Mexico (the couple are Lebanese, for the record). Everything turned out really well for them.

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Old 05-02-2005, 05:53 AM   #18
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Originally posted by Angela Harlem
How do you honestly feel about it Irvine? I have a question for some others which would only derail the thread and probably cause a fight, but I will refrain. Intersting question though.

i have many mixed feelings.

this is a truly wonderful woman who would make a wonderful mother, and i know she's very passionate about wanting to be pregnant and delivery a baby. she's also passionate about adoption, and she's 1/2 vietnamese, so if she adopted she'd probabaly adopt from vietnam. i have a very good relationship with her and her partner, though there's some distance between us -- i'm in DC, they're in Northampton, MA. i trust and respect these women; any child would be lucky to have them as parents. i do want to help, and there's a part of me that is absolutely fascinated by the possibility of passing on my genetic material. what would the child be like? would he look like me? etc, etc. i'm also tremendously flattered to be asked.

there's no question that if i were straight, i'd be looking to be a father, and even though i'm not, i'd still like to be a father (assuming i was in a physical and emotional place to be a good father). however, being a male-male couple, we'd probably adopt. i did see a terrific documentary called "paternal instinct" about a male couple who had a surrogate mother, and while i wouldn't put that out of the question, i believe passionately in adoption.

i do think it would be very hard not to be fully involved in the child's life, but then again, what's to prevent me from being a very devoted uncle? why couldn't i live in DC (or wherever), they live in Northampton, and the relationship is that of an uncle to his neices/nephews? am i underestimating what the pull would be? why should it necessarily be any greater than if my brother or sister were to have children?

i do think that situations like these can get messy, but i think they might also have the potential to be wonderful for the children. in my opinion, it is not having an untraditional family that is difficult for a child -- if you grow up with two moms, or one dad, or with your grandparents, it's all you know and what is normal to you as a child. what i do think is disruptive for a child are things like divorce, death, or anything that disrupts the stability of the unit. i am also sure that all of us will live in sections of the country where difference and nontraditional families are the norm. might it not be wonderful for a child to have two wonderful mommies, and also an uncle who he can call on the phone, who will send him presents on birthdays and holidays, who will come and see him, who he can come and visit ... you know, like the typical uncle relationship thing? the child would grow up with an extended family and many different adults to turn to.

there's lots to think about, and i'm just hashing these ideas out, haven't given extensive thought to them yet (no need to ... this is 5 years away).

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