*sigh*

[melon]

I don't see a point to much of this anymore. I'm thinking of making an extended retreat into Whortense.

It's just that the serious things seem so inconsequential lately, and I really don't feel much like myself anymore.

But I'm rambling...

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[Angela Harlem]

Hi melon.

I just wanted to say hi mainly.

I like your posts, but you do seem a bit jaded by it all lately.

Whortense works very well tho too.

Anyway, guess its ciao now.

See ya round like a rissole melon.

----------------------
"I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me" -Charlene

 

[zooropamanda]

I agree melon, the normal melon we know here doesn't seem like himself.
But sometimes that can be a good thing.
The world is a scary place right now, so if you don't feel like being normal melon, i dont think normal melon should worry.

rmalbing is good for the soul, i do it all the time

------------
im a brat, and I know everything

 

[zooropamanda]

or rambling or typos

 

[melon]

I realized what I'm doing here. I'm doing just like I did like I was in high school: I'm burying my sadness under a mile-high mound of silliness.

I often wonder if "it" ever gets any better or easier?

I just don't know anymore. I'm at a point that I wish I could just give up. Even I, "the great Melon," cannot be strong forever.

Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone.

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[Angela Harlem]

Greatness value and depth gone?
Its sad you feel that way melon.

Sounds quite normal over all though, I found that people who excel at something to the degree you do, are always seekig stimulation. But then sometimes, just lose energy and think, 'I can't be bothered anymore', beause maintaining it is such hard work.

Maybe this isn't the case with you, but I hope you find yourself again.

 

[80sU2isBest]

Originally posted by melon:
I realized what I'm doing here. I'm doing just like I did like I was in high school: I'm burying my sadness under a mile-high mound of silliness.
I often wonder if "it" ever gets any better or easier?

I just don't know anymore. I'm at a point that I wish I could just give up. Even I, "the great Melon," cannot be strong forever.
Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone.

Melon

Don't be sad, Melon. You say that even you "The great Melon" cannot be strong forever. That is something that you should be overjoyed to see. Once we realize how weak we are, that's when we see that the only strength we have is The Lord's strength. Embrace His strength, let Him carry you. We are all weak, Melon, until we let Him take over. Put your faith totally in Him and he will show you things you've never see before and will strengthen you.
Have you seen the Matrix? There's a lot of truth in this movie in several aspects. This world is The Matrix. People walk around, thinking that this life is all there is, concerning themselves only with the stuff of earth. But all around is an unseen war between demons and angels; they're fighting for our very souls. This spiritual war is what keeps me going a lot of times. Sometimes I just want to give up, also. But I know that when I accepted Christ as my general, I was sent to the front line of the most important war in the history of the world. Take heart, Melon, and embrace the Savior. He's got big plans for those who want to join the battle.

 

[melon]

I find my "uniqueness" to be the ultimate curse. I cannot relate with the whole of society anymore. And simple things like love rendered forever complex.

And I guess cannot handle it anymore. What I would give to be young and stupid again, and not have to deal with this place we call the "real world." It's too much to soak in, and I have nowhere or no one to escape into. I feel that, with as much knowledge and as much professional promise that I have, I am a failure at life.

Oh but what do any of you care about my life here? I'm just a series of characters on a page that 99.9% of you here will never have to meet. I guess, writing is the last thing that gives me comfort, and yet perhaps that is dying too...

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[melon]

Originally posted by 80sU2isBest:
But all around is an unseen war between demons and angels; they're fighting for our very souls.

I see things people don't see in this world, and it is perhaps this wisdom that I have wished to share with you all all along.

I have been tortured with demons and angels alike my entire life, and perhaps the saddest idea is that they look alike and say similar things. Only it is their hearts that are different, and it is only a few who will be able to see beneath that surface.

When I was young and foolish, I wanted wisdom; the knowledge of the Universal Mind. Now that I am at my most capable to have received this knowledge, I don't want it anymore. I want to be young, stupid, and deliriously in love. I want to be ignorant of the rest of the world, wave my flag, and hate people different than me like everyone else. But I can't take this knowledge out of my mind. I hate myself for seeking what no mortal should seek.

And you probably think I'm crazy after writing this. I probably am.

BTW, if anyone's interested... [External Link]

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

[This message has been edited by melon (edited 10-01-2001).]

 

[80sU2isBest]

Originally posted by melon:
I see things people don't see in this world, and it is perhaps this wisdom that I have wished to share with you all all along.
I have been tortured with demons and angels alike my entire life, and perhaps the saddest idea is that they look alike and say similar things. Only it is their hearts that are different, and it is only a few who will be able to see beneath that surface.
When I was young and foolish, I wanted wisdom; the knowledge of the Universal Mind. Now that I am at my most capable to have received this knowledge, I don't want it anymore. I want to be young, stupid, and deliriously in love. I want to be ignorant of the rest of the world, wave my flag, and hate people different than me like everyone else. But I can't take this knowledge out of my mind. I hate myself for seeking what no mortal should seek.
Melon

Melon, I know that we've disagreed on many things, but I do care about you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be writing this right now. The song "One" has a great deal of truth to it..."We're one, but we're not the same, we get to carry each other" - that is so true. Yes, each of us is "unique" to a certain extent, and some have been given more intelligence. But none of us have a monopoly on pain, loneliness and feeling out of touch with the rest of the world. We all hurt, and part of our duty is to share love with each other. You may never have a romantic love. I don't and I probably never will. That's okay with me, because I have the love of friends and family and most importantly, God. That's something we all have in common, also - the fact that God loves us. We also all have in common the fact that we're not good enough of our own accord to please God. And that's why Christ came-to pay the price we could not pay. Melon, I want to encourage you, but I also feel the need to be honest with you. The following is not a slam, Melon, but just something that appears to be true. Perhaps one of the reasons you feel unsatisfied and fulfilled is because you've set yourself on a pedestal and made yourself think that you're totally unique in the knowledge you have received. The pressure must be immense up there. Come on down, be one of us. Let fall those extremely high standards of knowledge that you have set for yourself. Differences aside, we're all in the same boat. We're all sinners in need of salvation. Jesus loves you.

 

[melon]

Originally posted by 80sU2isBest:
You may never have a romantic love.

If I never find one, then I'm better off dead.

The following is not a slam, Melon, but just something that appears to be true. Perhaps one of the reasons you feel unsatisfied and fulfilled is because you've set yourself on a pedestal and made yourself think that you're totally unique in the knowledge you have received.

It's something I never asked for. I'm different for just being who I am. I'm being myself, and maybe perhaps if everyone were truly themselves, we'd have more "unique" people out there.

And I'm not trying to claim a monopoly in knowledge. In fact, I've been purposely putting holes in my arguments the last couple months, some subtle, some gaping wide, seeing if anyone would notice. This may sound arrogant, and I apologize if it does, but there's nothing more I'd love than to find a peer with my breadth of knowledge. That's quite hard in practice I've found, as my knowledge isn't confined to restrictive IQ and test scores.

The pressure must be immense up there. Come on down, be one of us. Let fall those extremely high standards of knowledge that you have set for yourself. Differences aside, we're all in the same boat. We're all sinners in need of salvation. Jesus loves you.

There's nothing more I'd love to do right now than to come down from my cloud and to give in to the world, but every time I've done that, I've found myself dissatisfied. And the one thing that I always found comfort in, knowledge, is just as empty to me now.

Oh but I know God is there. Add that to my sense of intuition, but I know when He's there. I know when He's guiding me. In fact, I had my alarm set for 8:30 am for a 9:10 am class, but also had lots of work to do beforehand, but I was too depressed last night to really care. The last ounce of my brain told me to wake up at 7:00 am to get the stuff done. What time do I awake, oddly completely refreshed? 6:59 am.

And this isn't an isolated incident. I've felt God's presence my entire life. I know exactly when He intervenes in my life. I have probably an oversensitivity to what is wrong with this world, and I internalize it too often. Perhaps this is why my treatises on religion here are often...."unconventional" to say the least, neither liberal nor conservative.

But I have calmed down since last night. I do have my fits of emotional rage here and there, but I usually keep it to myself. I will leave my life now to God, whom I have always left it to, and, somehow, He has always put me in the right place. I feel the bigger picture I fall into for the future, but, in the meantime, it just feels so incredibly empty. I'm impatient I guess...

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[80sU2isBest]

Melon, I realize that the term "come on down" was a poor choice of word - sounded the way I didn't intend. Please know that I am not knocking you. I just think you expect too much of yourself. It's okay to let it all fall, and to say "I can't handle it". God knows we can't handle it. We can glory in our weakness because He is our strength. I'm glad to see that you are turning to Him. I will pray for you, and you can pray for me.

For some reason now, I feel that arguing with you will never be the same again.

[This message has been edited by 80sU2isBest (edited 10-02-2001).]

 

[The Wanderer]

cheer up melon, things will get better it always comes in phases

 

[zooropamanda]

melon, i did the test

I am an idealist too...

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self--always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination.

You will always struggle with who you are at times, we all do. No matter how high your IQ is, its not going to protect you from experiencing feelings of self doubt and dissatisfaction with the path your life is taking.


Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

I dont think those things are too bad. We all need to search for our soul and at times go off and find the self that we feel we've lost.Don't you think if you had it together and were in tune with who you are and what you wanted all the time, then you'd become a pretty stagnant and uninspired being?You are a mere mortal, melon, and you are far too hard on the part of you that is trying to catch up with the 'special' part.
Give that head of yours a rest and see what happens.
Go lie on a beach in the rain, run through a garden late at night without any pants on, drink a glass of chocolate milk with 4 teaspoons of chocolate...
These things won't help your struggle but they may help you to relax a little in the meanwhile.
Bono claims he's still looking for that thing he can't find. Aren't we all in some way?
I honestly think in order to find ourselves, we need to go out and get a little lost.Go get lost for a while, you never know who you might find in the process.

I know 80s is certain that romantic love isnt always going to happen, but if you do give up on it, then that may well be.

Hope is a wonderful thing and for an idealist like me, sometimes its all that keeps me going.

 

[zooropamanda]

p.s. you're in good company...

Ghandi
William Butler Yeats- one of my fave poets btw
The Dalai Lama
Joan of Arc
Martin Luther King

[This message has been edited by zooropamanda (edited 10-02-2001).]

 

[Sledgehammer]

Originally posted by Angela Harlem:

Sounds quite normal over all though, I found that people who excel at something to the degree you do, are always seekig stimulation.

I agree with you, Angela. It's quite difficult to fulfill all of your spiritual and emotional needs. It does take time and you don't have to be nervous.

Melon, the "uniqueness" you seek will come, but I guess it's more like a natural process, not only from knowledge and the unstoppable inquiry of the mind, but also through human contact.

Things are much more simple than we think. We get depressed, spend hours making plans for our suicide and suddenly we meet a person (a God, an Idea) who can change our lives, just like that.

And don't be sad if you feel empty. We're all empty. But we still have eachother.




------------------
Got to walk out of here, I can't take anymore
Gonna stand on that bridge, keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come and whatever may go
that river's flowing
"Don't Give Up", Peter Gabriel

 

[Rono]

Originally posted by melon:
I don't see a point to much of this anymore. I'm thinking of making an extended retreat into Whortense.

It's just that the serious things seem so inconsequential lately, and I really don't feel much like myself anymore.

But I'm rambling...

Melon

You can run bud you can`t hide. You will alway`s be Lemon. Try to accept that you are
human.

I did read a lot of unique written down
here but all that is see is I am a realist
ect. Do you realy need a label for yourself ?



------------------
I can`t change the world but i can
change the world in me.

Read you, Rono.

 

[Calluna]

((((Melon))))

------------------
Remember the goul.

Shake n' bake
Do whatever it takes

 

[zoomerang II]

Originally posted by melon:
I find my "uniqueness" to be the ultimate curse. I cannot relate with the whole of society anymore. And simple things like love rendered forever complex.

Hey melon, I know where you are coming from, but don't forget that we are all unique in different ways or forms. Its just a matter of finding people that are similarily unique to yourself. It will happen in time - usually when you don't know it. Maybe you feel confined having travelled and become more open to the outside world than those currently around you in day to day life. I am kinda the same, always have been, probably always will. But that need not be a detriment to your life, go with the positives of it.

Just think when you were a baby, what would the odds be of you running into the people that you know know in your life? Unbeleivably remote. And what makes you unique is what makes you who you are, what makes us all who we are.

Don't forget that as things become more complex they can actually become more simple.
Its easier said than done, but when you have purpose behind your actions, when you use your talents for a benefit, good will come...

As for love, maybe you will meet that one in a million person - and if not, then there must be another 250 of them in the US alone

so don't stop looking. Sure its complex, but at least its not boring.

 

[zoomerang II]

btw, i'm an idealist too. Whilst idealists may be rare within the general public, they're not too rare around here.

[This message has been edited by zoomerang II (edited 10-03-2001).]

 

[truecoloursfly]

This statement leapt out at me: "I hate myself for seeking what no mortal should seek." So what is it exactly you seek, my friend?? What do you judge so very harshly? If Spirit moves you to seek it...why shouldn't you?
And have you forgotten that you are not merely "mortal"? that we are Spirit having a human experience -- not the other way round? So many years I lived through my rational mind, my intellect, my ability to process information -- especially the "Serious" Stuff. Radical discovery: some knowledge is simply NOT process-able by the intellect! Some critical information must be processed through the senses. Through the skin, the soles of the feet, the heart. Knowledge of the whole world may be grasped in the moment you are standing in: the smell of the air, the wet grass, the sorrow in your heart. Maybe your heart's only asking your head to get out of the way of knowledge that's trying to get in... Will you answer my original question?

I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long...
Baby baby baby light my way

blessings,
Deb

 

[majxtc]

Originally posted by truecoloursfly:
Maybe your heart's only asking your head to get out of the way of knowledge that's trying to get in...

I felt I needed to say something, but Deb summed it up quite well. I think there are many of us (more so with us idealists) that get trapped experiencing everything through our minds when much of our life reqiures us to live it through our senses. I struggle with this a great deal, and I don't even have that great of an intellect. One day at a time.

God Bless and take care,
Mark

p.s. (((melon))) - cyber hugs are nice, but go get a real hug from somebody.



------------------
And love is not the easy thing... The only baggage you can bring... Is all that you can't leave behind.

 

[bonovista]

Melon..
Take a trip to Florida and stay with Emeraldscorpio and myself..

Seriously..If you ever want to get away, your more than welcomed to come and stay with us and enjoy Florida..

 

[DebbieSG]

but, in the meantime, it just feels so incredibly empty.

Melon

melon, I really appreciate your candor. And may I add I have always appreciated your intellectual contributions here, they are stimulating and cause us to evaluate our own thinking, thus provoking healing. So be proud of what you have done, it has not be for naught! To be honest with you, I have been feeling emotionally drained myself, and haven't been able to keep up with much intelligent conversation. I can totally understand if you feel that you can't "produce" now. Don't feel like a failure for that! Allow yourself a breather. Take the pressure off yourself. Even U2 "went away for a while" and look, they came out with Achtung Baby.

I have to agree with 80sU2isBest! When we are weak, God gives us His strength. Really, we can do nothing without Him (John 15:4-5). It is so important to get in a right relationship with God. Jesus says "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well."(Matt. 6:33). Trust God! That's where our hearts find true fulfillment and peace. He will provide all good things in time.

"I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company."

You've got a caring community here! I'm praying for you

.

 

[melon]

Thanks to everyone who responded here. I really do appreciate it more than you would ever know.

Although I do feel better since I wrote this a couple days ago, I still feel different. As I have read everyone's responses, the consensus seems to be that I need to relax and take time for myself to enjoy the simple pleasures of life--and I agree with that. What gives me despair is that I cannot even do that. I'm so damn swamped with projects, appointments, and ill-timed circumstances with life (i.e., my car tire went flat in the parking lot earlier this week and I still haven't had time that I can get it fixed) that any attempt to escape is impossible.

And I often think of attempts at love. Even if I had a chance at it right now, I don't even know where I'd find time for that special someone. I really just want to fall over and break things right now because I'm so frustrated with college. I'm so frustrated at work. I'm so frustrated at those damn circumstances in life that never seem to go my way. I'm so frustrated that I don't even have time to sleep anymore. I'm falling apart, and I don't even have time to get help. I feel that it is only going to get worse from here. It's only early October, and this semester goes until December. Luckily, I graduate then. Then I can say a fond "fuck off" to the life I'm currently living. Even then, my future doesn't seem very bright for enjoying simple pleasures. I wish the world would end already, so that I wouldn't have to work anymore.

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[Calluna]

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all your troubles disapear.

Hang in there, Melon!

------------------
Remember the goul.

Shake n' bake
Do whatever it takes

 

[truecoloursfly]

melon,
WHY don't you "have time to get help"?? I always thought a full-time college curriculum was an inhumane way to "prepare" somebody for the world--it unnecessarily stresses and depletes eager, capable people. Having said that, if in that same parking lot, say, you slipped and fractured a bone, you'd find time then, wouldn't you? You sound like you have a fractured soul, darlin', maybe a hairline crack that suddenly got worse after 11 Sept... Don't treat your intangible self so carelessly, okay? There's solid ground beneath you, it's only shrouded in fog. I know it. May beauty and light find their way to you today, if only for a moment; may you remember some small joy of your own heart...

If I could, through myself
set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away

Deb D

 

[Crzy4Bono]

melon -
I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are right now -
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I know I've been feeling a bit off track myself since the events of the last couple of weeks have been going on - nothing specific, just not quite right. A bit down, sad - unable to concentrate or make thing tick along like they usually do. Just take some time to enjoy something simple like a sunset or a good read or a conversation over coffee. I know about busy - I have a full time job and 2 young kids but if you can't take a few minutes for yourself then you're not doing anyone else any good either.

Peace to you, and remember it's just a moment.



------------------
She's gonna dream up a world she wants to live in / She's gonna dream out loud.
Visit my web page at www.u2page.com

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

{{{{melon}}}

feel better ok, guy?

 

[socalu2fan]

Hey Melon,

I don't really know you so I don't know what my advice would be worth to you but when I get overwhelmed with life I think of the words that Jesus said to those who would follow Him,

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:29,30)

I hope that helps you. I don't know what your walk with God is like but I know that these words help me to remember the life more abundant that my savior and best friend promised me.