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Old 11-02-2005, 04:17 PM   #106
Join Date: Aug 2004
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Thanks guys.

I can't elaborate here...I am just now checking my email but have so many people to get back to, so many more phone calls, I know some of you have mailed me....many thanks to allwho have. I promise I will mail you allback, and God knows I nned all the support I can get. I will have time for a longer email but like I said, if anyone wwants to know more, I'll answer in private. Today I have no time for long emails though.

I will say one thing (and this is EERIE):

This tragedy happened in the very early hours of Thurs night/Fri morning. I didn;t find out aobut it until Friday afternoon, when I got home and found the message on my phone. Why nobody called me at work, I can't imagine. (I have no cell.) But coming home Friday afternoon, "Tomorrow" kept going around in my head....I kid you not...I haven't listened to "October" or any song from it for literally over a year, but for a reason I can only personally attribute to the Almighty, the verses leaped into my head just an hour before I turned on that answering machine...."There's a black car parked at the side of the road...don;t go to the door, don't go to the door....I'm going out, I'm going out there Mother, I'm going out there....Won;t you come back tomrorrow"etc. I started singing them. And I was trying to figure out why this song came so strongly to my head. And I got scared. And THEN..I got home.

God works in mysterious ways.

I will answer people in private, but I will eventually post a long story in ZooConfessionals as well, others outside FYM may want to know...

The analogy I have using is like going through a hurricane. The first devestating wave has hit, and now is the decptively calm eye of the storm, but it isn't calm at all, it;s the heart of the storm, and the second and perhaps worse wave is eventually going to hit. I told myself I was going to br strong, and not show my grief in front of my poor sister, who was hysterical throughout the wake and funeral. They almost had to take her home. She was the one who discovered my mother hanging from that railing. Now she can't even go to that part of the house...my stepfather is going to sell the house, he can't stand to be there either. For good reason.

Right now, I have had to put my life on hold for the past 5 days, and today I have been taking care of business, paying bills, contacting my job, etc etc. There is family to talk to, and my Bible study tonight. People have been telling me not to hold it in, or I'll damage myself. But damn it, I have to go on. I have to occupy myself, or I will crack. I can't let myself think of it now. I will crack. There are things apbut this that you alldon't know, it is a very nasty and complicated situation, and I can't find any redemption in it. Luckily I am Christian and have my God. But MOm was not, and like I said, she snuffed herself. The Church treaches that suicides do not see the pearly gates. But my Mom was too good for me to beleive anything the Church teaches. There must have been a good 400 people who showed up at her wake. And we are a small family.

I thank you all for your prayers and concerns, I will mail everyone who answers. Evntually. By this weekend. Right now, I am taking a breather, it is moment by moment. The funeral was yesterday. I have to shepherd my poor sweet kid sis through this, all weekned she was home, lying up in her bed curled up around her teddy bears. Good God.

Be back later, as soon as I am able. Really, I DO need all the support I can get. And once you all know the full details of the situation, you will understand why.

"How long"....


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Old 11-02-2005, 08:59 PM   #107
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Our God is one of mercy and love.

I will pray for you, your sister and the soul of your mother.

Take Care.

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