sulawesigirl4 said:
I see what you mean, and maybe I should have rephrased what I was trying to say. I do realize that parenting is full of risks (probably one of the reasons I'm still childless, lol) and this would just be one of many. I guess when I think of raising my kids though, I wonder how I as a white woman will be able to give them the tools that they'll need to function in American society as black (because no matter how mixed they are, they'll be seen and treated as black by strangers). I know that this is probably a loaded question, but it's something I think about. Even right now, being with an African guy while living in America, there are a lot of things that I notice. My boyfriend is black but he shares little to nothing in common with the culture of black America. However, he is still seen and judged by outsiders through the lens that they use when seeing a black man. Actually, when we get into discussions here about Obama being a "real" black candidate, I think to myself that he's exactly what any child of mine will be. The product of an American/African union, multi-ethnic and multi-racial but not Black American as it's historically been defined.
Ah, I see. I was thinking more in terms of any kids you'd have being raised in Mali and coming to this country (if they did) first and foremost as acculturated Malians, not necessarily 'third culture kids.' (Or should I say in this case, 'fourth culture kids'?
...and it makes my head spin to imagine how a sociologist might label the children of a Malian and a 'third culture kid' themselves raised in multiple countries...) I was going to suggest this perhaps isn't really analogous to Barack Obama as he's nonetheless still inarguably
some " - " type or another of born-and-raised American even if some folks want to quarrel the "black" label, but now that I think about it, perhaps he's in some small way a sort of 'third culture kid' himself, having spent several formative childhood years in Indonesia--plus growing up here (and raised by white family) in Hawaii, which is just so different from the mainland in many ways.
I dunno, really I'm not fit to address the above at all, because it's so far outside my own experience. (Although we've been talking off and on lately about the prospect of taking the kids along to India on my next sabbatical, and me possibly taking a 'residency' at a college there for a year after that--so maybe I'd better
start thinking about it, lol.) But my gut feeling as a parent is it still doesn't really matter in the end, if that's not too flip a way to put it. On the one hand there are so frighteningly many things out there that could gnaw away at your kid's soul and leave them often vulnerable and alienated and confused, on the other hand children are incredibly resilient and and adaptable and resourceful, sometimes for the worse, but mostly for the better. You can only anticipate so much and can have only so much control over the array of social experiences they'll be exposed to, and if nothing else, they
will be totally different personalities from you, with their own characteristic ways of reacting to and feeling and perceiving things that you couldn't possibly have imagined until you watch that all unfold in front of you. Which is a good reason for parents to have an agreed-upon set of primary obligations in advance, so that you've got that core there with you no matter what else happens. And to accept that there just will be times when you'll struggle to understand what it is your child is wanting from you, and vice versa.
It's a different situation, but I
have known a couple white single mothers who were raising children of a different race in the wake of their father's departure, a black father in one case and a Mexican father in another, and they did seem to have pretty different approaches to it--the former mother was very concerned with informing herself and her daughters about black history and culture, getting them as much exposure to that as possible, networking with support groups for multiracial families and so on, while the latter had a much more come-what-may, my job is to teach her to be an American woman, period, kind of attitude. I think(?) perhaps her daughter's situation was a little 'easier,' though, in that that kid could've 'passed' as any one of several ethnic groups; in fact I used to hang around with them a lot, and numerous times strangers assumed she was
my kid based on appearance, which became a standing joke between us. All three kids have gone on to struggle with identity issues in various ways, but all three of them have also grown up into wonderful, sensitive, thoughtful young women who do very well in multiple social environments, even if they tend towards their own preferences in that regard.
There must be several online forums out there though--for multiracial families, multicultural families, 'third culture' kids (and parents?) and so on--where you'd be able to find some folks who could speak probably better than anyone here could to some of your questions from personal experience. And maybe even existing 'real-life' networks near where you are right now. You're probably a ways from being ready for something like that right now I guess, but they've got to be out there.
anitram said:
You can be white and still not feel like you belong in a white country.
That was very much my father's experience of the US I think, even though he eventually grew into a social role that gave him some ownership of that. Living in Mississippi from '59 on, he came to understand very well what it meant to have white privilege and how he benefited from that in all kinds of ways, while at the same time finding that carpet often fell out beneath him--sometimes by people who begrudged Jews that status, more often by his own jumbled loyalties, teaching at a black college, often finding many aspects of both local white and local black culture and society utterly inscrutable, and so on. This was something that was rolling around in the back of my mind earlier I think, maybe kind of tangential to my point, but anyhow you put it a lot more concisely than I could've.
I can't really imagine how frustrating this would be. So yes, any child of mine will speak all of the languages they need in order to be fully functional in their father's country and culture as well as mine. That's non-negotiable. My bf and I speak French, Bambara and English pretty much interchangeably while we're together, anyways, so I think it would happen naturally.
