Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Free Your Mind > Free Your Mind Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 12-21-2006, 10:09 AM   #1
Blue Crack Addict
 
MrsSpringsteen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 24,994
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

From the NY Times web site. What do you think of these questions, and what do you think the important questions are?

How many people honestly discuss the important things-or do many people assume, avoid, live in denial, just hope-whatever?


December 17, 2006
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
__________________

__________________
MrsSpringsteen is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 10:28 AM   #2
Blue Crack Addict
 
Liesje's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: In the dog house
Posts: 19,557
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Oooo, I think we did all those!

I've found that #12 can be important, more along the lines of what each person's expectations are as far as doing what their family or their in laws want them to do. For example, what do we do about Christmas and holidays? Doesn't sound like a biggy, but if you never discuss your own traditions and how to compromise, things will crop up on you and end in a big fight, including the extended family (luckily we are not to that point).

Now I've only been married a few months, but in general I've discovered that the emphasis on finances seems a bit exaggerated. IMO, money is just what you make of it. If you're constantly obsessing over it, yeah it's going to give you issues regardless of how much you discuss it. The only really important thing we discovered is designating who pays what bills and making sure we understand each other's budgeting techniques. For example, I budget quite far in advance, so if Phil needs money for something but doesn't tell me two weeks in advance, it will all be allocated and I can't help him out. But, we've never really fought over how the money is spent, what utilities we get, etc.
__________________

__________________
Liesje is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 10:39 AM   #3
Rock n' Roll Doggie
 
randhail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Outside Providence
Posts: 3,557
Local Time: 08:10 PM
I think the money issue can be a big one if one half of the couple has a huge debt load. You need to discuss how it's going to be paid - is it the full responsibility of the person in debt or is it now a mutual debt? Will money be thrown into a joint account to draw off of or will each of you maintain a separate account? Even taking out a life insurance policy to cover all the debt should be considered just in case something ever happens. Perhaps the money one is a bigger issue for me since I'll be up to my eyeballs in debt when I graduate from school and my lady friend knows all about it.

The other questions seem like a lot of common sense stuff if you're taking marriage seriously. If it's really going to be a partnership, then there shouldn't be any taboo talks or sense of embarassment. Lack of communication will doom any relationship.
__________________
randhail is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 11:50 AM   #4
Rock n' Roll Doggie
 
BonosSaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,566
Local Time: 09:10 PM
I think they are great questions and I wouldn't give any more importance to one more than the other. The television in the bedroom might be the deal breaker.
__________________
BonosSaint is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 12:00 PM   #5
Blue Crack Addict
 
Liesje's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: In the dog house
Posts: 19,557
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by randhail
I think the money issue can be a big one if one half of the couple has a huge debt load. You need to discuss how it's going to be paid - is it the full responsibility of the person in debt or is it now a mutual debt? Will money be thrown into a joint account to draw off of or will each of you maintain a separate account? Even taking out a life insurance policy to cover all the debt should be considered just in case something ever happens. Perhaps the money one is a bigger issue for me since I'll be up to my eyeballs in debt when I graduate from school and my lady friend knows all about it.

We had this two, but I guess we figured that it was a given - if the decision to marry someone hinges on their debt load, maybe that's a good indicator the marriage is not right? But yeah, it takes a while to sort out, it just ended up being a lot easier than I was being told it would be. I carry 2/3 of our debt, but I get to pay all of mine plus our rent and utilities
__________________
Liesje is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 12:28 PM   #6
Blue Crack Addict
 
anitram's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: NY
Posts: 16,297
Local Time: 08:10 PM
The debt is significant.

Nobody likes to think they'll get divorced, but let's face it, the odds are stacked against you, statistically speaking. Do you really want to get stuck paying off somebody else's student loans per your divorce settlement?

I'm in favour of pre-nups for all financial matters, including previous debts and any inheritance that may come in from your family.
__________________
anitram is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 01:49 PM   #7
Blue Crack Addict
 
MrsSpringsteen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 24,994
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Money isn't always just about money, it can be about so many other issues in the relationship and marriage (which just manifest themselves as money issues) and I think that's why it can become such a problem. I think at the heart of it is a trust and honesty issue, and not using money as a means of control and/or manipulation.

Of course I would imagine it can always be problematic to merge two people and their individual attitudes about money and spending and lifestyle.
__________________
MrsSpringsteen is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 02:03 PM   #8
Blue Crack Addict
 
Liesje's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: In the dog house
Posts: 19,557
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by MrsSpringsteen
Money isn't always just about money, it can be about so many other issues in the relationship and marriage (which just manifest themselves as money issues) and I think that's why it can become such a problem. I think at the heart of it is a trust and honesty issue, and not using money as a means of control and/or manipulation.



We don't have a prenup - why would I ask for one when I carry 2/3 of the debt?

But yeah I guess if that was important to Phil, it would not have bothered me. Money is not what defines our relationship; it's just some paperwork I deal with when I have the time.

Luckily, we're already both covered by my job for health, dental, and life insurance so those were some important decisions we did not have to make.
__________________
Liesje is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 04:33 PM   #9
Blue Crack Addict
 
anitram's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: NY
Posts: 16,297
Local Time: 08:10 PM
I still think they're a good idea for some things. If you have parents or grandparents who will leave you something, I would get a pre-nup without question. My parents didn't work hard their entire lives so some deadbeat ex of mine can lounge in their cottage, etc. It's not a trust issue in my eyes at all, it's just being smart.
__________________
anitram is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 05:13 PM   #10
Blue Crack Addict
 
MrsSpringsteen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 24,994
Local Time: 08:10 PM
I completely agree that it's smart to get a prenup and protect your assets before you get married, just as it's smart to honestly discuss money. You can trust someone as much as humanly possible and still have problems with all of that-relationships are messy and unpredictable. But communication and honesty makes them easier-sometimes.
__________________
MrsSpringsteen is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 05:40 PM   #11
ONE
love, blood, life
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 10,881
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Money has been the biggest hurdle we have overcome.
__________________
Dreadsox is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 07:18 PM   #12
ONE
love, blood, life
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 10,881
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Correction....my brides snoring is now rivaling it!!!!!
__________________
Dreadsox is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 09:38 PM   #13
Blue Crack Addict
 
Liesje's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: In the dog house
Posts: 19,557
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by anitram
I still think they're a good idea for some things. If you have parents or grandparents who will leave you something, I would get a pre-nup without question. My parents didn't work hard their entire lives so some deadbeat ex of mine can lounge in their cottage, etc. It's not a trust issue in my eyes at all, it's just being smart.
Yep, I totally agree. That's fair to you AND to the life of your parents, and your siblings who want to see things left in the family.

In our cases though, most of our grandparents are dead, and both sets of parents are still heavily in debt My parents will probably never pay off their mortgage and Phil's parents moved away from a church they started, so at 60 they had to buy a little house and other things for the first time. Anything that means anything to me - which is very small things that are of importance more to our genealogy and family records - I already have in my possession or will be given since I'm the only person in my generation interested, but like I said, these things are worthless in money value and worthless to people outside of my mom's side of my family. We have no assets, our parents have no assets besides their houses which will not be paid of in their lifetimes, and our grandparents are almost gone. My extended family's greatest investment - the price of education of each younger generation, something we can't divide and dole out.

My mom's side of the family is looking into buying a cottage because my aunt and uncle sold their share of another and need to quickly reinvest in property in order to avoid tax on gaining from that capital, but this is something they are going to let each family buy into, so if I want in, I buy in. It's one of those "joint and severally" deals, so if my dad buys in and dies, his share is divided amongst the remaining, not passed to moi.

So yeah as for the American dream, we are nothing but debt (and none of this is stupid debt, or debt for lack of working hard) all the way up the ladder. I've never really thought about it until now. It doesn't really get us down that there are no assets left for us, we've never known any different.

Question: Can you get a prenupt later once you're married? Not that I'm considering it, I just really know nothing about them. I don't think anyone in my family or anyone I know has got one, and so far we've had no divorces so it hasn't come up...
__________________
Liesje is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 10:02 PM   #14
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 08:10 PM
I think the biggest issue couples should discuss is whether or not they want kids and to how many? I am a product of a couple who apparently did not discuss this and my biological father took off.
This caused many scars...so I would say it is important.

The biggest hurdle for my husband and I is who has what chore and the priorities of the house!
__________________
JCOSTER is offline  
Old 12-21-2006, 10:05 PM   #15
War Child
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 519
Local Time: 08:10 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Liesje
[B

Question: Can you get a prenupt later once you're married? Not that I'm considering it, I just really know nothing about them. I don't think anyone in my family or anyone I know has got one, and so far we've had no divorces so it hasn't come up... [/B]
That's something I've wondered about. There are couples out there who didn't get a prenupt because they and their families had nothing when they started out, but things changed for the better. Perhaps in those cases it depends on who gets the best lawyer?
__________________

__________________
kimby is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:10 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com