Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

[MrsSpringsteen]

From the NY Times web site. What do you think of these questions, and what do you think the important questions are?

How many people honestly discuss the important things-or do many people assume, avoid, live in denial, just hope-whatever?


December 17, 2006
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

 

[Liesje]

Oooo, I think we did all those!

I've found that #12 can be important, more along the lines of what each person's expectations are as far as doing what their family or their in laws want them to do. For example, what do we do about Christmas and holidays? Doesn't sound like a biggy, but if you never discuss your own traditions and how to compromise, things will crop up on you and end in a big fight, including the extended family (luckily we are not to that point).

Now I've only been married a few months, but in general I've discovered that the emphasis on finances seems a bit exaggerated. IMO, money is just what you make of it. If you're constantly obsessing over it, yeah it's going to give you issues regardless of how much you discuss it. The only really important thing we discovered is designating who pays what bills and making sure we understand each other's budgeting techniques. For example, I budget quite far in advance, so if Phil needs money for something but doesn't tell me two weeks in advance, it will all be allocated and I can't help him out. But, we've never really fought over how the money is spent, what utilities we get, etc.

 

[randhail]

I think the money issue can be a big one if one half of the couple has a huge debt load. You need to discuss how it's going to be paid - is it the full responsibility of the person in debt or is it now a mutual debt? Will money be thrown into a joint account to draw off of or will each of you maintain a separate account? Even taking out a life insurance policy to cover all the debt should be considered just in case something ever happens. Perhaps the money one is a bigger issue for me since I'll be up to my eyeballs in debt when I graduate from school and my lady friend knows all about it.

The other questions seem like a lot of common sense stuff if you're taking marriage seriously. If it's really going to be a partnership, then there shouldn't be any taboo talks or sense of embarassment. Lack of communication will doom any relationship.

 

[BonosSaint]

I think they are great questions and I wouldn't give any more importance to one more than the other. The television in the bedroom might be the deal breaker.

 

[Liesje]

I think the money issue can be a big one if one half of the couple has a huge debt load. You need to discuss how it's going to be paid - is it the full responsibility of the person in debt or is it now a mutual debt? Will money be thrown into a joint account to draw off of or will each of you maintain a separate account? Even taking out a life insurance policy to cover all the debt should be considered just in case something ever happens. Perhaps the money one is a bigger issue for me since I'll be up to my eyeballs in debt when I graduate from school and my lady friend knows all about it.

We had this two, but I guess we figured that it was a given - if the decision to marry someone hinges on their debt load, maybe that's a good indicator the marriage is not right? But yeah, it takes a while to sort out, it just ended up being a lot easier than I was being told it would be. I carry 2/3 of our debt, but I get to pay all of mine plus our rent and utilities

 

[anitram]

The debt is significant.

Nobody likes to think they'll get divorced, but let's face it, the odds are stacked against you, statistically speaking. Do you really want to get stuck paying off somebody else's student loans per your divorce settlement?

I'm in favour of pre-nups for all financial matters, including previous debts and any inheritance that may come in from your family.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Money isn't always just about money, it can be about so many other issues in the relationship and marriage (which just manifest themselves as money issues) and I think that's why it can become such a problem. I think at the heart of it is a trust and honesty issue, and not using money as a means of control and/or manipulation.

Of course I would imagine it can always be problematic to merge two people and their individual attitudes about money and spending and lifestyle.

 

[Liesje]

Money isn't always just about money, it can be about so many other issues in the relationship and marriage (which just manifest themselves as money issues) and I think that's why it can become such a problem. I think at the heart of it is a trust and honesty issue, and not using money as a means of control and/or manipulation.

We don't have a prenup - why would I ask for one when I carry 2/3 of the debt?

But yeah I guess if that was important to Phil, it would not have bothered me. Money is not what defines our relationship; it's just some paperwork I deal with when I have the time.

Luckily, we're already both covered by my job for health, dental, and life insurance so those were some important decisions we did not have to make.

 

[anitram]

I still think they're a good idea for some things. If you have parents or grandparents who will leave you something, I would get a pre-nup without question. My parents didn't work hard their entire lives so some deadbeat ex of mine can lounge in their cottage, etc. It's not a trust issue in my eyes at all, it's just being smart.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I completely agree that it's smart to get a prenup and protect your assets before you get married, just as it's smart to honestly discuss money. You can trust someone as much as humanly possible and still have problems with all of that-relationships are messy and unpredictable. But communication and honesty makes them easier-sometimes.

 

[Dreadsox]

Money has been the biggest hurdle we have overcome.

 

[Dreadsox]

Correction....my brides snoring is now rivaling it!!!!!

 

[Liesje]

I still think they're a good idea for some things. If you have parents or grandparents who will leave you something, I would get a pre-nup without question. My parents didn't work hard their entire lives so some deadbeat ex of mine can lounge in their cottage, etc. It's not a trust issue in my eyes at all, it's just being smart.

Yep, I totally agree. That's fair to you AND to the life of your parents, and your siblings who want to see things left in the family.

In our cases though, most of our grandparents are dead, and both sets of parents are still heavily in debt My parents will probably never pay off their mortgage and Phil's parents moved away from a church they started, so at 60 they had to buy a little house and other things for the first time. Anything that means anything to me - which is very small things that are of importance more to our genealogy and family records - I already have in my possession or will be given since I'm the only person in my generation interested, but like I said, these things are worthless in money value and worthless to people outside of my mom's side of my family. We have no assets, our parents have no assets besides their houses which will not be paid of in their lifetimes, and our grandparents are almost gone. My extended family's greatest investment - the price of education of each younger generation, something we can't divide and dole out.

My mom's side of the family is looking into buying a cottage because my aunt and uncle sold their share of another and need to quickly reinvest in property in order to avoid tax on gaining from that capital, but this is something they are going to let each family buy into, so if I want in, I buy in. It's one of those "joint and severally" deals, so if my dad buys in and dies, his share is divided amongst the remaining, not passed to moi.

So yeah as for the American dream, we are nothing but debt (and none of this is stupid debt, or debt for lack of working hard) all the way up the ladder. I've never really thought about it until now. It doesn't really get us down that there are no assets left for us, we've never known any different.

Question: Can you get a prenupt later once you're married? Not that I'm considering it, I just really know nothing about them. I don't think anyone in my family or anyone I know has got one, and so far we've had no divorces so it hasn't come up...

 

[JCOSTER]

I think the biggest issue couples should discuss is whether or not they want kids and to how many? I am a product of a couple who apparently did not discuss this and my biological father took off.
This caused many scars...so I would say it is important.

The biggest hurdle for my husband and I is who has what chore and the priorities of the house!

 

[kimby]

[B

Question: Can you get a prenupt later once you're married? Not that I'm considering it, I just really know nothing about them. I don't think anyone in my family or anyone I know has got one, and so far we've had no divorces so it hasn't come up... [/B]

That's something I've wondered about. There are couples out there who didn't get a prenupt because they and their families had nothing when they started out, but things changed for the better. Perhaps in those cases it depends on who gets the best lawyer?

 

[Liesje]

That's something I've wondered about. There are couples out there who didn't get a prenupt because they and their families had nothing when they started out, but things changed for the better. Perhaps in those cases it depends on who gets the best lawyer?

Well, now that I think about it I guess there's nothing barring them from making a decision, putting it on paper in proper terms, and getting it notarized or whatever legal seal of approval is required for such a contract. In this case, the couple has to actually decide how to divvy up. If they're already needing lawyers it might be futile!

 

[maycocksean]

All of those questions are excellent and very important. My wife and I talked about all of them in one way or another before we got married, and I'd think it'd be kind of no-brainer to tackle most of them (except for the TV in the bedroom. . .I never thought of that, and I don't believe we talked about that). If you happen to miss any, pre-marital counseling will basically catch whatever slips through the cracks.

Regarding the money situation, pre-nups become pretty darn close to irrelevant when you (and your family on both sides) have virtually nothing, as is our case. Money is a crucial issue for us but not one that we really fight about. Unfortunately, that is because we both handle money the same way i.e. we spend. It gets very hard to get on a righteous high horse about overspending when you know you've done the same thing just yesterday.

We have a lot of debt, most of it educational loans, most of it my wife's (I had four years of free college due to a scholarship so my loans are incidental by comparison), and it's just a bill that we pay every month and will be paying for a very long time. Credit cards make up a small part of our total debt load but our complete lack of discipline in paying them off. . . Don' wanna talk about that.

The one thing that save us from absolute financial ruin is that we have a budget (we routinely go over the budget but at least we have one) and we have weekly budget meetings. Knowing how much we're spending tends to reign in our spending, and truth be told, if we put off those weekly meetings for a few weeks we always end up spending more. The "mental budget" is always faulty.

 

[Liesje]

Another Question: how many out there did premarital counseling?

Phil's dad did our wedding and often does the counseling. We thought it was going to be super-religious, but it was ok. For us, we just took this personality test that helps show the major differences and where we'll have to compromise, and then a test where you rate specific things as important, neutral, or not important. Then you compare any item that one or both rates as important, especially those where one says important and the other says not. This test basically covered every question in this thread and more. It helped b/c it's not that we didn't know enough about each other, but there were issues that neither of us ever would have thought to discuss beforehand. The prenupt thing came up in several forms and was never marked important so thus we decided to forget about it. It wasn't like religious counseling or that kind of thing.

 

[maycocksean]

Two things that revolutionized my marriage:

Worldwide Marriage Encounter (It's sponsored by the Catholic church, but if that bothers you there are Protestant and Jewish versions and the principles could benefit even couples who are not believers). You have to be married for at least two years before you can sign up for a weekend. I highly recommend it.

Passionate Marriage--An excellent book by Dr. David Schnark (sp?. I'm too lazy to run upstairs and get the correct spelling). The book deals primarily with sexuality in marriage, but it has completely changed my understanding of what marriage is and what it should be.

 

[maycocksean]

Another Question: how many out there did premarital counseling?

Phil's dad did our wedding and often does the counseling. We thought it was going to be super-religious, but it was ok. For us, we just took this personality test that helps show the major differences and where we'll have to compromise, and then a test where you rate specific things as important, neutral, or not important. Then you compare any item that one or both rates as important, especially those where one says important and the other says not. This test basically covered every question in this thread and more. It helped b/c it's not that we didn't know enough about each other, but there were issues that neither of us ever would have thought to discuss beforehand. The prenupt thing came up in several forms and was never marked important so thus we decided to forget about it. It wasn't like religious counseling or that kind of thing.

We did. Ours was with a professional counselor, not a clergyman, but we took an inventory similar to what you did. I found it very useful and I would strongly recommend that anyone get some kind of premarital counseling before tying the knot. My wife and I are both quite religious and that part of our lives was and is important to our marriage, but the counseling we took did not center around exlusively spiritual issues. It would be a mistake to think that premarital counseling is somehow "religous" in nature and therefore limited to religious people. There are many professional, "secular" counselors out there. Like my hero, Dr. Schnark!

 

[dazzlingamy]

My boyfriend and I have discussed all those questions and i do believe they are all very valid points. We live together, so things like money/chores are important to talk about and nut out together!

 

[Angela Harlem]

Those of you who support the pre-nup thing, what do you think of sharing and assigning singular ownership of assets, worked for and acquired, during the marriage? If you own a house, or are paying off a mortgage, for example, do you add your partner's name to the title deed during the marriage, and then simply remove it (and pay them back whatever they might have contributed) at the end of the marriage, as per pre-nup conditions?

just wondering.

 

[anitram]

Those of you who support the pre-nup thing, what do you think of sharing and assigning singular ownership of assets, worked for and acquired, during the marriage? If you own a house, or are paying off a mortgage, for example, do you add your partner's name to the title deed during the marriage, and then simply remove it (and pay them back whatever they might have contributed) at the end of the marriage, as per pre-nup conditions?

just wondering.

I think it should be done on a case by case basis and discussed before. There was a case in Canada where a couple got married with basically nothing to their name and the wife worked while the husband went and educated himself (I can't remember but I'm pretty sure he went to med school). When they got divorced, she wanted compensation for paying for his degree and the court said no, a university degree is not a form of property in a thing. So she was shit out of luck, earning nothing in some retail job while he was making $250K/year thanks to her sacrifice. It's surely not equitable, and maybe these sorts of rulings will eventually reverse, but for now, I think you'd be crazy not to consider that sort of thing.

Even the people who say they have nothing and that's why they didn't get a prenup - that's not necessarily always going to be true. For example, all my friends are pretty much students but with great earning potential. We have debt now but in 20 years most of these people will be huge earners. So it's smart to think about that now. And things like inheritance, as I said before.

 

[Liesje]

I understand the prenupt argument and it does make perfect sense and I don't look down on people who do it at all, but I guess for me I've always believe that you split 50-50, regardless of who did what when where how and why. Each marriage is different, so no decision is universally correct. In my mind, we are both one equal part of a marriage, period. Right now I'm making all the money and supporting Phil going back to school, but that's a conscious choice I made right now. I can't ever see myself going back on it and demanding that he pay me back for his degree. If I had any uncertainty about the future or under any circumstance would feel that he owes me for it, I'd deal with it right now.

I guess for me it's not that I'm naive or am using the trust argument not to get a prenupt, but it's just against my nature. If I didn't want to share with Phil or be the legal "head of household", I wouldn't do it, not turn my back on it later on. I prefer to make decisions about our marriage based on our relationship, not on statistics like the current divorce rate. Even if we got divorced or whatnot, I'd rather give him everything than be reduced to "well you only succeeded because of me so pay me back, bitch!" To me, equity is treating everyone equally, regardless of their worth, their education, their inheritances, etc. If we lost everything tomorrow, we'd both still be one equal person in a married unit.

So I guess in that sense, we do have a prenuptial agreement - we've already agreed to split 50/50.

It would be really hard for me to even think through any other type of agreement, b/c how do you decide what something is worth? For example, I'd give Phil EVERYTHING but my pets and feel I got the better end of the deal.

I think it's a good thing to think about. You shouldn't just NOT get a prenupt and never discuss it. But it's something neither of us want. So call me stupid, but no marriage is the same and what's right for one person isn't always right for the next person. If in ten years we get into a nasty divorce and I'm left living in a box under a bridge with my winter coat and some cats, feel free to laugh at me and say I was wrong.

 

[Got Philk?]

So I guess in that sense, we do have a prenuptial agreement - we've already agreed to split 50/50.

^pff. that's what she thinks.

I'M KIDDING!!!!

Man, if she would drop me right now I'd be in one sorry state. You might remember this state if you went to College and had to pay for yourself. Some call it, "Poor College Student."

 

[anitram]

I think most people would agree with you, actually. So it's not a wrong take on things by any means. Like you said, you've sat down and thought about these things. But many people don't, and then one party is up a shit creek without a paddle. And that's because they never thought about anything before they got married.

I'm not particularly fond of marriage as an idea anyway, but if I did get married, I'm not doing it without a prenup. It's just a personal choice, neither side is wrong. I do think it's wrong not to even sit down and consider how you'd split your belongings. Nobody gets married with the intention of getting divorced, but it is a reality of life, and when it comes to things like children, finances, it's an important consideration.

 

[Got Philk?]

I think for me, it comes down to the fact that I decided to marry Lies. We didn't really have to talk about it, but I knew she had 3-4 times as much debt from college as I do. It didn't matter to me. In my mind, that was a part of the decision. That I loved her enough to say, "hey, I'll take on that debt with you."

If we come to a point where we separate or divorce, I will not leave her alone with that debt either because like I said, it was after all, a decision I made and frankly it would be a pretty jerky move to back out on no matter what the circumstances.

 

[anitram]

That I loved her enough to say, "hey, I'll take on that debt with you."

But I don't feel the people who get a prenup don't love their spouse "enough" t say they'll split debts or whatever.

 

[Got Philk?]

^point taken. I should have emphasized the "for me" part more. I apologize. I meant no harm towards anyone here. I only meant to add my take on the idea, or where I stand in my marriage. It was not meant to bash others' thoughts or ideas.

 

[Liesje]

But I don't feel the people who get a prenup don't love their spouse "enough"

I agree, just like people who don't get a prenup aren't necessarily stupid or naive.