I am a 17 year old girl, and I have been faced with the issue of sex very recently. I feel I can share my experience, since no one here really knows me personally.
I am dating a boy now who I sincerely love. He loves me, too. He is my best friend and we truly have a connection. Of course, it sounds like a young romance, and it probably is...but imagine all those people who married their high school sweethearts.
Well, my boyfriend and I have been experimenting lately with different things (outside of sexual intercourse). My mother came to me one day and casually brought up the subject of sex. She asked me if it had come up between my boyfriend and me. I told her it hadn't. At the time, we weren't talking about it. But, I confided to her that it might not be far away and that I would not be completely against the idea. So, Mom and I had a talk. She said that if I ever thought of becoming sexually active with my boyfriend, to come to her so we could go to the gynecologist and get on birth control. Mom had me when she was eighteen because her mother found her birth control pills and threw them away. So, she wants to make sure I am safe when I do begin to have sex.
I told my mom several of the things my boyfriend and I do, and that we are always careful and safe. And we talked about birth control and condoms and the necessity of using one or both all the time during sexual intercourse. I talked to my boyfriend and we both feel we want to loose our virginity to one another. However, he told me it's up to me. He said if I don't want to, he can forget it. He said "If you don't want to have sex, I will put it out of my mind and not think of it again," I feel respect from him, and absolutely no pressure. We are not rushing for me to go to the gynecologist or get put on birth control. We are taking our time, letting things fall into place, but with proper precautions. I keep my mother up to date on our decisions.
Because my mother treats me as if I am mature, I will want to act mature in return. She gives me respect, and is honest with me about these things. I think it is absolutely naive and ignorant of a parent to ignore important things like sex. It doesn't matter what your beliefs on teenage sex, it happens everyday. Maybe your child does not have thoughts of having sex, but believe me, we hear about it everyday, in some form or another. It's best to begin to talk about it in the early teen years. Even if it's not actual situations, hypothetically getting your kid used to hearing that type of thing is important for the future, when it may become a real issue.
I told my boyfriend about my talks with my mother and he envies my relationship with her. He does not have a close relationship to his parents. They are strict and do not talk to him about sex or things like that. So, one day, in my room, my mother came in and we told her we wanted to talk about sex with her. We sat, the three of us, and talked about what we expected, what we thought, and what our motivations were. We also discussed those things like 'the first time' and how it feels. It was a very in depth conversation. Afterwards, my boyfriend said he feels so much better that we have the support of my parents. He says it is so special that my mother can talk to me about things. He said the only way parents can be sure their kids are safe and making the right choices is to communicate with them.
My mother's attitude about my sex life is not that she wants me to start one sooner than I have to. But, she is aware that sometimes, that sort of thing is not planned, and in my situation, she wants me to have the right precautions when we do make that decision. She doesn't want to take the huge risk of pregnancy or STDs. Of course, I have discussed the emotional aspects of sex with my mother and with my boyfriend. I know the right reasons are involved. It is not a situation in which I cannot trust my partner.
Being able to sit down with my boyfriend and talk to my mother in honest and open conversation about our opinions and our views on sex is the most mature and amazing thing I can imagine. My boyfriend was floored after our talk. He said "No adult has ever talked to me that openly and honestly about sex before," And that is a sad thing, when sex bombards the media today. We see all the aspects of sex besides the truth, the real human version of the whole story. I believe sex is still a special interaction and I would never want to demean that act by experiencing it with someone I didn't care about, or because of the wrong reasons.
I realize not all teenagers have such a situation as I have with my mother, but everything begins with open and honest communication. It happens because my mother listens and appreciates the truth. It is the truth, whether you like it or not. Parents sometimes go insane when they hear the things their teens say, and begin to restrict or lecture. But, your teen probably wants your opinion and approval more than you know. Of course, I am not saying you have to give in and support your teen's decision if you feel it will harm him, but always support your teen. Tell him or her your experiences, thoughts, first hand information. They will sincerely appreciate your input, whether you see that feedback or not. They will take what you say to heart if it is given in sincerity and honesty. Treat them maturely if you expect them to act maturely. Although you have been through the experiences and have gained wisdom and learned from them, your teen hasn't. Sometimes, I think parents fail to relate themselves back to that position of their lives and want to diminish the importance of their child's problem. They don't quite recall or maybe have put out of their minds their own thoughts of that age. My father once said (after coming in while my boyfriend and I were making out on the couch), "I get it! Don't you think I was a kid once, too?"
Knowing my parents support and respect me makes all the difference in the world to me. Of course, sex is a personal decision that is based on your upbringing, moral values, and personal attitudes. But, a lot of our society's ignorance about it stems from a lack of real, honest communcation. Wouldn't it be better for us to address this issue than to see things like teen pregnancy and STDs mark our generation? It may be hard, but it's worth a try. I would think in the end, a few slammed doors or evil glares are small prices to pay.
very proactive approach to parenting.
But, I agree that it's not the norm for kids to be so open with their parents. It's just a happy oddity. But, I am truly happy and safe, so that's all that matters.
