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Old 06-11-2006, 09:26 AM   #31
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I agree with both AliEnvy and Irvine's posts. Excellent points in both.

I guess I was pretty lucky with my mom (I was raised in a single-parent home) and I went through all the usual teen-age rebellion and "parent's don't get it" stuff, but I always felt comfortable to talk with her about a lot of things in my life that were important to me.

Granted, I don't know that I would have talked to her about it if I'd been sexually active. I do tend to think that this is one area MOST teens may have a hard time "opening up" to their parents about.
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Old 06-11-2006, 10:05 AM   #32
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Originally posted by maycocksean


I just reread my post and I think you might have misunderstood me.

I depart from most Christian Conservatives because I SUPPORT sex education courses in public schools and I support providing condoms for teens.

Obviously, I have a conservative views about premarital sex but that does not mean that I think teens should be ignorant of the facts so that they can't make an informed decision.

Your comments do not fall on deaf ears for me. I've found everything you've said so far to be thought-provoking and worth considering. However, I won't continue in the discussion if, indeed, what I say is falling on deaf ears for you. I hope that's not the case though. I hope we'll be able to listen to each other's points of view as well, even though we may disagree strongly.

When we can't talk to each other anymore then we're all really in trouble.
Thanks for clarifying for me anyway, i don't want to fire up about this sought of stuff.......the more we talk the better.....i think anyway, i do apologise for seeming a little harsh!.

BUT!, the thing that gets me is your comment above "i support providing condoms for teens"....well,then why is it an issue for me to supply " a bowl of condoms" you stated previously that shows you expect them to have sex.....don't you think there's a contradiction in what you are saying.
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Old 06-11-2006, 10:07 AM   #33
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Originally posted by maycocksean
I agree with both AliEnvy and Irvine's posts. Excellent points in both.

I guess I was pretty lucky with my mom (I was raised in a single-parent home) and I went through all the usual teen-age rebellion and "parent's don't get it" stuff, but I always felt comfortable to talk with her about a lot of things in my life that were important to me.

Granted, I don't know that I would have talked to her about it if I'd been sexually active. I do tend to think that this is one area MOST teens may have a hard time "opening up" to their parents about.
EXACTLY!!!
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Old 06-11-2006, 10:23 AM   #34
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Thanks for clarifying for me anyway, i don't want to fire up about this sought of stuff.......the more we talk the better.....i think anyway, i do apologise for seeming a little harsh!.

BUT!, the thing that gets me is your comment above "i support providing condoms for teens"....well,then why is it an issue for me to supply " a bowl of condoms" you stated previously that shows you expect them to have sex.....don't you think there's a contradiction in what you are saying.
No problem. I reread my first post and realized it sounded like I was saying the opposite of what I was. No worries!

Again, I think I miscommunicated. It's not an issue for me if you provide a "bowl of condoms." I respect that as your choice in how you choose to raise your children--it's not my business.

I was saying it's an issue for ME because of my views about premarital sex--that's whay I wouldn't do it. For me, I think it would indicate an "expectation" that my son or daughter will probably end up having sex, but I think that perhaps for you it would not.

The reason I support making condoms available to teens in the public schools is because I don't think my views as a Christian should be enforced in the public schools. Public schools are secular in nature and their job is to provide information and resources. It is up to parents, the faith community, and others to provide guidance on how and when to utilize that information and those resources.

To put it simply: I just really support the free flow of information. Trying to "hide" condoms from teens as way to "get them to do what we want" is just bad, bad business.
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Old 06-11-2006, 04:35 PM   #35
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Another interesting study I read recently, it makes me sad that some girls feel that way and have sex because of it. Not all that surprising though, because honestly some very adult women do too sometimes.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Teenage girls commonly have sex not because they want to, but because they feel pressured into it — and the result may be a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, a new study suggests.

Researchers found that among 279 teenage girls they interviewed, many said they'd given in to unwanted sex at some point because they were afraid their boyfriend would get angry.
A very important point that's often not discussed is that parents need to instill a sense of self-esteem into their children, from a very young age. This, in conjunction with openness and an exchange of information will hopefully allow the teen to make an informed decision regarding sexual activity, and how it could potentially affect them physically AND emotionally. If teen girls are not having to derive a sense of self-worth from boys, they're less likely to fall prey to having sex under duress/confusion, imo.
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Old 06-12-2006, 12:16 AM   #36
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Originally posted by VintagePunk
If teen girls are not having to derive a sense of self-worth from boys, they're less likely to fall prey to having sex under duress/confusion, imo.
Good point...compels me to also mention that teen boys need a strong parental counterpoint to the social pressure to "score" and reduce girls to sexual objects.
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Old 06-12-2006, 01:09 AM   #37
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I am a 17 year old girl, and I have been faced with the issue of sex very recently. I feel I can share my experience, since no one here really knows me personally.

I am dating a boy now who I sincerely love. He loves me, too. He is my best friend and we truly have a connection. Of course, it sounds like a young romance, and it probably is...but imagine all those people who married their high school sweethearts.

Well, my boyfriend and I have been experimenting lately with different things (outside of sexual intercourse). My mother came to me one day and casually brought up the subject of sex. She asked me if it had come up between my boyfriend and me. I told her it hadn't. At the time, we weren't talking about it. But, I confided to her that it might not be far away and that I would not be completely against the idea. So, Mom and I had a talk. She said that if I ever thought of becoming sexually active with my boyfriend, to come to her so we could go to the gynecologist and get on birth control. Mom had me when she was eighteen because her mother found her birth control pills and threw them away. So, she wants to make sure I am safe when I do begin to have sex.

I told my mom several of the things my boyfriend and I do, and that we are always careful and safe. And we talked about birth control and condoms and the necessity of using one or both all the time during sexual intercourse. I talked to my boyfriend and we both feel we want to loose our virginity to one another. However, he told me it's up to me. He said if I don't want to, he can forget it. He said "If you don't want to have sex, I will put it out of my mind and not think of it again," I feel respect from him, and absolutely no pressure. We are not rushing for me to go to the gynecologist or get put on birth control. We are taking our time, letting things fall into place, but with proper precautions. I keep my mother up to date on our decisions.

Because my mother treats me as if I am mature, I will want to act mature in return. She gives me respect, and is honest with me about these things. I think it is absolutely naive and ignorant of a parent to ignore important things like sex. It doesn't matter what your beliefs on teenage sex, it happens everyday. Maybe your child does not have thoughts of having sex, but believe me, we hear about it everyday, in some form or another. It's best to begin to talk about it in the early teen years. Even if it's not actual situations, hypothetically getting your kid used to hearing that type of thing is important for the future, when it may become a real issue.

I told my boyfriend about my talks with my mother and he envies my relationship with her. He does not have a close relationship to his parents. They are strict and do not talk to him about sex or things like that. So, one day, in my room, my mother came in and we told her we wanted to talk about sex with her. We sat, the three of us, and talked about what we expected, what we thought, and what our motivations were. We also discussed those things like 'the first time' and how it feels. It was a very in depth conversation. Afterwards, my boyfriend said he feels so much better that we have the support of my parents. He says it is so special that my mother can talk to me about things. He said the only way parents can be sure their kids are safe and making the right choices is to communicate with them.

My mother's attitude about my sex life is not that she wants me to start one sooner than I have to. But, she is aware that sometimes, that sort of thing is not planned, and in my situation, she wants me to have the right precautions when we do make that decision. She doesn't want to take the huge risk of pregnancy or STDs. Of course, I have discussed the emotional aspects of sex with my mother and with my boyfriend. I know the right reasons are involved. It is not a situation in which I cannot trust my partner.

Being able to sit down with my boyfriend and talk to my mother in honest and open conversation about our opinions and our views on sex is the most mature and amazing thing I can imagine. My boyfriend was floored after our talk. He said "No adult has ever talked to me that openly and honestly about sex before," And that is a sad thing, when sex bombards the media today. We see all the aspects of sex besides the truth, the real human version of the whole story. I believe sex is still a special interaction and I would never want to demean that act by experiencing it with someone I didn't care about, or because of the wrong reasons.

I realize not all teenagers have such a situation as I have with my mother, but everything begins with open and honest communication. It happens because my mother listens and appreciates the truth. It is the truth, whether you like it or not. Parents sometimes go insane when they hear the things their teens say, and begin to restrict or lecture. But, your teen probably wants your opinion and approval more than you know. Of course, I am not saying you have to give in and support your teen's decision if you feel it will harm him, but always support your teen. Tell him or her your experiences, thoughts, first hand information. They will sincerely appreciate your input, whether you see that feedback or not. They will take what you say to heart if it is given in sincerity and honesty. Treat them maturely if you expect them to act maturely. Although you have been through the experiences and have gained wisdom and learned from them, your teen hasn't. Sometimes, I think parents fail to relate themselves back to that position of their lives and want to diminish the importance of their child's problem. They don't quite recall or maybe have put out of their minds their own thoughts of that age. My father once said (after coming in while my boyfriend and I were making out on the couch), "I get it! Don't you think I was a kid once, too?"

Knowing my parents support and respect me makes all the difference in the world to me. Of course, sex is a personal decision that is based on your upbringing, moral values, and personal attitudes. But, a lot of our society's ignorance about it stems from a lack of real, honest communcation. Wouldn't it be better for us to address this issue than to see things like teen pregnancy and STDs mark our generation? It may be hard, but it's worth a try. I would think in the end, a few slammed doors or evil glares are small prices to pay.
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Old 06-12-2006, 11:32 AM   #38
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^ what an amazing, honest, heartfelt post.

thank you so much for sharing -- you are a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful mother and boyfriend.

this line with stay with me:

[q]Treat them maturely if you expect them to act maturely[/q]
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Old 06-12-2006, 11:50 AM   #39
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Well, jenU2child, I think you proved us all wrong. Clearly there are teens who can and do feel comfortable talking about sex with their parents, and given the relationship you have with your mom I can see why you have the comfort level.

Excellent, excellent post and very inspiring.
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Old 06-12-2006, 01:15 PM   #40
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Let me just say also what a great post that was. That is a very special relationship you have with not only your mother, but your boyfriend as well.
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Old 06-12-2006, 03:10 PM   #41
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Great post jenU2child, thanks for sharing! I have an extremely close and open relationship with my daughter as well, and we talk about sex all the time, but even I don't know if I'd be comfortable enough to sit down with her AND a boyfriend, so kudos to your mom.

One thing I'd like to add, to parents, or potential parents. Don't wait until your child is in their early teen years to talk about sex or sexuality. From the time children are toddlers, there are many, many opportunities for age-appropriate, teachable moments (seeing a pregnant woman, seeing and discussing various things on television, etc.). If it's incorporated into the parent-child relationship from the very beginning, the level of trust and openness is established, and it's much easier to address more personal issues during the teen years.
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Old 06-12-2006, 05:17 PM   #42
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One thing I'd like to add, to parents, or potential parents. Don't wait until your child is in their early teen years to talk about sex or sexuality. From the time children are toddlers, there are many, many opportunities for age-appropriate, teachable moments (seeing a pregnant woman, seeing and discussing various things on television, etc.). If it's incorporated into the parent-child relationship from the very beginning, the level of trust and openness is established, and it's much easier to address more personal issues during the teen years.
I totally agree with that. When I said to start to talk about it in the early teen years, I assumed the open relationship between child and parent had been continued from birth. That is the only real way to ensure complete honesty and trust at the most crucial times. It must begin from even the most small things in order to prepare for the real life changing events occuring before, during, and after puberty. Of course, if a parent is completely devoid of communication with his or her child until the very point of the sort of altercation during which honesty and trust is needed, of course the child cannot be expected to suddenly feel a connection and an urge to confide and fully open up to the parent. It is a process. I agree that even to toddlers, communication is key. For example, it would be more benefitial for a mother with a toddler who has just seen something such as a sexual encounter to address the issue instead of ignoring it. Of course, age-appropriate words and conversation are crucial as well. I think a lot of people believe ignoring touchy subjects is easier and less "embarrassing" to their children, but swallowing their pride and diving head first into a difficult matter are the solutions almost always.

Of course, I don't have any children and I don't plan to anytime soon. I know my views will change when I have children of my own, and I don't mean to presume knowledge of parenthood that I don't have. But, I am just speaking my point of view.

In school recently, my boyfriend heard a girl talking about how many times she'd received anal sex. Then, a friend of mine asked her if she'd ever used protection. She said "No!" and he asked her if she used protection when she practiced vaginal intercourse. She replied with the same answer. My friend asked her if she ever thought about diseases or unwanted pregnancies. She answered, "Well, if that happens, it's my fault," I was floored by the lack of respect this girl had for herself. It's one thing to be completely ignorant of the risks of unprotected sex, but it's quite another to realize the risks and completey ignore them. I don't know if this example has any correlation with lack of communication, but I somehow think it's from our lack of sex education. My school has little or no formal sexual education and I cannot even imagine how many young girls and boys are jumping into sex naive and ignorant of it's risks and consequences. I would never judge someone who is willingly taking precautions and responsiblity for his or her sex life. It seems completely irresponsible, in such a society as now, when we have so many opportunities for birth control and protection, to practice unsafe sex.

Sometimes, because I think I have a little common sense when it comes to sex, I automatically assume everyone else does the same thing. In reality, I am stunned when I hear stories like the one I mentioned. I guess I cannot see logic in such a complete lack of self-respect.
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Old 06-12-2006, 05:42 PM   #43
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Originally posted by VintagePunk
One thing I'd like to add, to parents, or potential parents. Don't wait until your child is in their early teen years to talk about sex or sexuality. From the time children are toddlers, there are many, many opportunities for age-appropriate, teachable moments (seeing a pregnant woman, seeing and discussing various things on television, etc.). If it's incorporated into the parent-child relationship from the very beginning, the level of trust and openness is established, and it's much easier to address more personal issues during the teen years.
very proactive approach to parenting.
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Old 06-13-2006, 08:52 AM   #44
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My problem with the whole parenting vs. providing condoms debate is that it gets so polarized. Like, if as a parent you provide condoms, it means you condone or accept your child's sexual activity. If you don't provide condoms for your children, then you're in denial. Personally, I like to think of it as ONE aspect of a larger concept - kids learning basic health and safety. Your kid goes out with friends, you teach them to always have a designated driver. Your daughter turns 16, you tell her to visit the gynecologist for a routine exam and pap smear. Your kids are physically maturing, you teach them about sex and protection. This doesn't mean you condone underage drinking, teenage pregnancy, and premarrital sex. These are basic health and safety habits that people should learn to practice their entire lives! It's not about teenage sex ed. You don't teach your 3 year old not to run into the street because you want to control her, you teach her because not running into the street is something that will be useful for her safety, forever.

Also, I don't like the attitude that how a parent decides to go about sex ed with their children essentially defines their entire relationship with the child. My parents have been very lenient with me. I've never had rules, curfews, I've never had them tell me I wasn't allowed to drink or have sex. If you look at my family through the lens of this one issue, my parents look like people who are in denial because we have no rules and they did not openly provide condoms. To some people, my parents might seem more like "friends", and they'd think my parents aren't good parents and have no control over me. Quite the opposite. BEFORE it even came to the sex ed thing, my parents had already taught me to respect them, others, and most of all, myself. I didn't need rules because I'd never in a million years dare do anything that would disrespect my parents and disappoint them. So no, my parents never provided me with condoms or birth control, but they taught me self-respect and independence. Thanks to my parents, I had the smarts to visit the doctor myself and get the low down on protection and birth control.
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Old 06-13-2006, 10:01 AM   #45
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So no, my parents never provided me with condoms or birth control, but they taught me self-respect and independence. Thanks to my parents, I had the smarts to visit the doctor myself and get the low down on protection and birth control.




this sounds like precisely the parent i hope i might one day be.

it's one thing to have a hand in every decision your child makes, but i think that it's ultimately in the child's best interests to equip him/her with self-reliance and common sense.
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