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Old 02-12-2005, 07:38 PM   #16
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namkcuR, I thought you were a footballer and that was your position lol. That will at least make sense if it's a position in American football I wasn't aware otherwise that it meant anything though. Sorry!

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Old 02-14-2005, 06:20 AM   #17
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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Shared moral values are less important than compatible personalities as a recipe for a good marriage, according to a study released on Sunday.

Married couples often share the same attitudes about faith and other values, researchers from the University of Iowa found. But those with personalities similar to their spouses were the happiest.

"People may be attracted to those who have similar attitudes, values and beliefs and even marry them," the researchers said, and those qualities are easy to spot in a potential mate. Attitudes toward subjects such as religion or politics "are highly visible," they said.

But how married people behave was shown to have a greater effect on happiness.

"Being in a committed relationship entails regular interaction and requires extensive coordination in dealing with tasks, issues and problems of daily living," the study found.

Differences in how to deal with everyday matters can lead to "more friction and conflict," it said.

Personality-driven traits -- like being open, easy-going or organized -- are likely to play a bigger role in the marriage, the researchers found after studying 291 newly married couples.

The newlyweds were married for an average of five months when the data was culled late in 2000 and had dated for an average of 3 1/2 years.

The couples were participants in the Iowa Marital Assessment Project, a long-term study being conducted by the university with funding from the National Institute of Mental Health under the National Institutes of Health .

Participants were asked to evaluate their own traits and were videotaped interacting with each other.

Partners who rated their marriages as highly satisfactory were found to have more common personalities.

Similar attitudes among the couples, however, showed no clear impact on happiness, according to the study published in the American Psychological Association's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

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Old 02-14-2005, 09:14 AM   #18
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Originally posted by Irvine511
i think an authentic marriage motivated by geunine commitment is a good thing. married people are healthier, and i think marriage creates a group of stable people with a vested interest in social stability, which can only benefit us all.

most of the problems with marriage, i think, are due to media-induced expectations. starting with "the best day of your whole life" all the way to some gauzy idealized image of blond children swinging beneath a willow tree. life ain't like that, no matter what 7th Heaven tells you.

i see this most in my female friends. i'm now in my early late 20's, and i can see and even hear a marriage obsession growing in the hearts and minds of my female friends. it's quite interesting to observe. there's such an expectation tossed upon women to get married, to have a great wedding, to be that beautiful bride, that the day itself becomes the goal, and not the success of the following 50+ years (should one be so lucky).

i think marriage is tough. monogamy is hard. it's hard to wake up to the same person day after day after day (or so i'm told). but i think it can be worth it, for the stability it provides and for the physical and emotional strength it can provide for those lucky people. i also think that romance fades, that lust fades, and that something different but far more adult takes over: true, real friendship between two lifelong partners.

let's celebate that, not vomit-inducing expectations of a Nick-and-Jessica-style wedding.
to all that.

I'm in my early 20s and would dearly like to get married someday, but I've already been engaged once and was left by my fiance for someone else, so it's kind of a long way off. Nevertheless, I'm a romantic at heart and really would like to get married...but this time I won't say yes to a proposal until I'm absolutely positive.

I believe strongly in marriage and fidelity within it, no matter what your sexual preference/orientation might be.
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Old 04-10-2005, 09:00 PM   #19
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I believe marriage is definetly an important thing, but definetly not for the faint at heart. I've been married for almost 9 years and I got married when I was barely 21. We've been thru hell and back together, but in the end its all worth it if your truly with someone that you love.

As for the common law thing, the problem with that is that in some states there is no longer common law under the eyes of the goverment. If you are not legally married and something happened to your loved one you would have no rights to them. ie. making medical choices for them or what to do with their finances. This happened to my brother in law before he was married to his now wife. She was in a terrible car accident, but because they were not married the hospital would not allow him access to her. It was a horribly long night. Thankfully 6 months later they married.

I think when you find the right person in your life, you may find that you have a desire to make a marriage commitment to them. But like the others said you could do it in a quiet ceremony to your liking. My wedding was very quiet at a private home and we told people just to show up in whatever they liked, we were gonna get married, eat some food, and have a big party. It was a nice day without being a real big deal.
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Old 04-11-2005, 03:45 AM   #20
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Originally posted by namkcuR

Thanks for the advice.

If you don't mind my asking, how do you know my last name?
Because your user name is "ruckman" backwards....

Back to topic, despite of (or maybe because of) growing up in a Catholic family, getting married was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I had sex when I wanted to, and moved in with my partner when I wanted to (which lasted almost 8 years). Under Australian law, defacto rights are the same as marriage.

I personally think a lot of the word "marriage" has to do with "wedding" and all the rigmarole that goes with that. I've always pondered that if you remove "wedding" would young people necessarily be interested in "marriage", interesting hypothesis.

My partner ended our relationship last year and I don't believe he left cos it was easier to leave than if we'd been married, though with the legal stuff it was much easier than if we'd been married, thank goodness! I also believe he would have left even if we had been married, that would have been no impediment.

I'm still anti-marriage, though definitely not anti-relationship. But that's for me, I don't give a rat's arse what anybody else wants to do, whether they are gay or straight. Most of my friends are married and good for them.

I think this is the vital issue. Do what's best for you, no matter what your friends/ family/ religion/ state want you to do otherwise.
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Old 04-11-2005, 06:47 AM   #21
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marriage is for people who who love a pain in the ass. it's emotional masochism. i'd rather have a variety than wake up to the same face for the rest of my life.
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Old 04-11-2005, 06:48 AM   #22
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you've been married 10 years, congratulations. how much longer can you stand it?
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Old 04-11-2005, 06:50 AM   #23
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as ironic as it sounds, i think religious people only get married to have sex.
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Old 04-11-2005, 06:56 AM   #24
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Originally posted by earthshell
as ironic as it sounds, i think religious people only get married to have sex.
I've known quite a few who have.

I think it's an awful way to start a marriage.

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Old 04-11-2005, 07:38 AM   #25
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Hypothetical situation: You've found the love of your life and want to spend the rest of your lives with each other.... now what?

Whether you get married or just live together doesn't have anything to do with your commitment to each other - at least it shouldn't. To me, though, marriage does say to the rest of the world that the two of you have made a pact to remain true to each other. Sure, there are folks out there (mostly women, it seems) that see a wedding ring on someone's finger & immediately make them a target.... something about "stealing" a person away from their spouse, or the whole forbidden aspect of sleeping with a married person??? I don't know.
Anyway, I am married and have been for 13 yrs now. It's not always easy - I seriously wanted to walk away from Mr. Blu just this weekend - but I made a promise to that man 13 years ago and I intend to keep it so long as there's no infidelity or abuse.

I am lucky to have parents who have been married 35 years and put forth a healthy, realistic display of marriage for my brother and I. They never fought in front of us, but my brother and I were well aware that Mom & Dad didn't always agree with each other. We were also well aware that they loved each other enough to stick out the bad times... which were ALWAYS temporary.
The point of all this rambling is that I do believe in marriage - but I know it's not all holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes. There are times that I can't stand the sight of Mr. Blu; but then I realize that if I didn't love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I wouldn't be so upset with him. And that's what keeps me from going postal on him!
Ironic, isn't it? Oh, well - that's love for you. Nobody ever said it would make any sense.
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Old 04-11-2005, 07:46 AM   #26
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Originally posted by earthshell
as ironic as it sounds, i think religious people only get married to have sex.
That's absolutely ridiculous. Is that the case with some people? Sure. But that's a small minority, I'm sure.
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Old 04-11-2005, 10:55 AM   #27
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Originally posted by 80sU2isBest

That's absolutely ridiculous. Is that the case with some people? Sure. But that's a small minority, I'm sure.

i agree that it is a minority, but there is such a premium placed upon virginity and remaining a virgin until that wedding night that i can't help but think that cultural expectation helps produce marriages between two horny kids who might love each other then, but have no idea who they are or who they are going to become.
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Old 04-11-2005, 11:27 AM   #28
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as ironic as it sounds, i think people get married and stop having sex.

this seems to be the case
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Old 04-11-2005, 11:43 AM   #29
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Well, the Bible says i's wrong not to get married and to just live with someone, but I dunno if you're into that thing.

Even if you weren't married to someone, if you were their lifelong partner it would hurt if the trust broken either way, wouldn't it? Why would you want to commit to someone you didn't trust enough to marry?

Plus it's statisically proven that married couples raise much more fuctional families.
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Old 04-11-2005, 11:46 AM   #30
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Originally posted by shart1780
Well, he Bible says i's wrong not to get married and to just live with someone, but I dunno if you're into that thing.
Hmmm, missed that scripture. All those roommates, it's ashame they'll all be burning...

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