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View Poll Results: Your prediction on my graded essay, will know in a few days..
diamond, great job you should score a 95-100 0 0%
90-95% 1 6.25%
85-90% 0 0%
80-85% 4 25.00%
75-80% 2 12.50%
70-75% 2 12.50%
diamond i didn't know you colud write this well. 4 25.00%
diamondbruno, you suck cuz u were open minded enough to call GW a closet bigot, you let a lot of us red necks down, damn you! 3 18.75%
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Old 04-10-2007, 07:32 PM   #1
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My College Final Essay, what do you think my grade will be?

Expunging Hate on all Levels

David Schroeder

ENG 101 7221

Alexis ****

April 10, 2007





Expunging Hate on all Levels

The very mention of the word racism generally evokes discomfort to all but those subsisting among a radical fringe. Not only does racism still exist in our society, albeit in a much more subdued and subversive manner compared to bygone days, but also racism exists throughout the planet. Because of the cancerous effects of racism people die, people suffer and our growth as human beings is stifled. The intolerance and injustice of racism and its effects may be recognized on global, national, and local levels. Racism should be obliterated and eradicated by a worldwide effort whereby each person does his or her part to rid our culture of this poisonous malignancy that has been crippling human progression and growth for thousands of years.

Speaking globally about racism, while examining the continent of Africa, tragically it is noted that 20 million African children will have lost at least one parent to AIDS by the year 2010 (Katel). AIDS has wreaked havoc on that continent for the last two and half decades. Orphaned children, corrupt dictators, environmental factors: all of been significant factors in impacting the toll on human life. Many have suffered while languishing in poverty and disease, the United States has contributed foreign aid to that continent, although not as greatly as is needed to reverse this desperate situation. Although the U.S. donates the most foreign aid when compared to contributions from all other countries, proportionately speaking, the United States ranks last when calculating contributions as a percentage of wealth. The United States donates only .16 percent of its national income while 5 northern European countries donate .7 percent of their national income (Katel). Certainly much more could be done by the world’s wealthiest nation to help a country inhabited by people of a different skin color to help alleviate and eradicate their suffering and put to end jaded ideologies and all appearances of racism.

On a national level, the city of New Orleans was struck with Hurricane Katrina in 2005. Torrential rains, accompanied by tremendous winds, fell upon the city which wreaked havoc upon homes, churches, roadways, bridges, levies, and all manners of structures, man made and natural. The people of New Orleans, consisting mostly of African American descent, found that they were in a very perilous situation. With the state of Louisiana being unable to help the residents of New Orleans, the inhabitants of that city looked to the Washington, D.C. and the Bush administration for help. In times past, President Bush had arrived promptly to help with hurricane relief in the neighboring state of Florida. As the country watched television aghast at the terrifying situation facing indigent New Orleaneans cloistered in unsanitary and unsafe conditions in that city’s Astrodome and Convention Center, many noted that President Bush did not respond with the same degree of public urgency or empathy for the residents of New Orleans as he had for those in Florida. Throughout the country, a pervasive belief was that the racial makeup of those New Orleans citizens held as environmental hostages factored into the President’s seemingly lackadaisical response to this catastrophe. Jesse Jackson summed up his sentiments and likewise many of the sentiments of the residents of New Orleans, referring to those who suffered and died, and the lack of urgency in compassion or rescue efforts by those in the Bush administration with these words, “Race played a role of who was left behind” (Prah).

The State of Arizona has its fair share of racism. From the controversial debate of many residents not wanting to establish a legally observed state holiday honoring Martin Luther King, to reading about Neo Nazi gang activities and rallies at parks in the local news papers, to the plight of the Native Americans living on the reservations, racism is endures in Arizona. Arizona is also in the unenviable position of being the primary state for illegal aliens crossing into the United States from Mexico—a dire situation that has both resulted in the exploitation of this cross-section of humanity, and also, as perceived by some, a second-class society. Although these problems are finally receiving public attention and some attention is being paid in improving race relations in the state, there is much headway is left to be gained. Irrefutably, racist attitudes can still be found in the work environment and also in many homes.

There are people who deny racism still exists in the world. Their general point of view is that it is not incumbent upon them to be kind or considerate to people who are different from them: it is not their concern. One example of this mindset in not helping the continent of Africa can be found in the following words, “Clearly, Africa can find all the aid resources it needs in Africa itself” (Katel). They insist it is their right to choose whom to be polite or nice to, that compassion can not be legislated. Another argument from people who deny that racism exists today is that the financial aid programs designed to help people who are not of their color: that these programs are not cost effective. They compare these governmental programs to helping people in poverty, predominantly minorities, to throwing tax payers’ money away, and reversely discriminating against those of Caucasian, Anglo-Saxon ethnicity. Although some of theses beliefs may contain some validity, it does not negate the fact that racism still exists in different forms, here and abroad. What is the impact of ceasing programs that attempt to level the playing field for a society that for many is biased and unequal in its education, housing and job opportunities? Should these types of affirmative action programs be ceased altogether? Do those who believe they should entertain equally visceral reactions to what they view as other ill effective governmental programs? And if all these programs do not work, how have they individually helped people who were not of their race or worked to rid the government of all ineffective tax payer sponsored programs? Most have done not one thing, but complained.

In the end it is still easy to recognize racism, where it is, and how it still exists today. In the last two hundred years, the United States has made great strides, yet, with 6000 people dying on average each day Africa as many sit complacent in America, much more needs to be done. At home, on a national level, the citizens of New Orleans impacted by the wrath of Katrina should have been better protected and aided with a faster response time by their President and other governmental agencies. Locally, in communities, workplaces and homes what is needed is for more people be thoughtful and have empathy towards people who are different from us. For the survival of humanity, with the world becoming smaller through technological advances, and races living closer to one another more than ever, it is time for all people to become more emphatic and understanding towards their fellow human beings, and in doing this the world would a better place to live.


Works Cited
Katel, Peter. “Ending Poverty” C.Q. Researcher Volume 15, Number 31

September 9, 2005. Rio Salado College, Tempe March 25, 2007.

< http://library.cqpress.com.ezp1r.rio...her/search.php>

Prah, Pamela M. “Disaster Preparedness” C.Q. Researcher Vol. 15, No. 41 Nov.

18, 2005. Rio Salado College, Tempe Mar 10, 2007.

< http://library.cqpress.com.ezp1r.rio.../cqresearcher.>
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:47 PM   #2
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IMO the topic is far too broad, but that really depends on the assignment you were given, which we don't know. Personally, I'd pick something a bit more specific and controversial. I realize racism is controversial, but who doesn't agree that in a perfect world we'd be rid of racism globally? I like topics to be more personal and introduce an opinion that catches the reader's attention. It seems based on the thesis you're talking about racism on a global scale, but the essay is lop-sided towards the American experience. Also, the second part of the thesis was not really addressed in the essay - how people can individually help "rid our culture of this poisonous malignancy." It might be wise to try to answer some of the questions you are asking at the end of paragraph five, or build the essay around one or two of those.

Again though, it's hard to judge without reading the assignment. I think the quality of writing is fine though. The thesis statement was clear (even if it may not totally match the essay), you cited sources, your paragraph and sentence structure are ok.

Racism
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Old 04-10-2007, 11:31 PM   #3
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It was meant to be an argumentative essay.

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Old 04-10-2007, 11:36 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally posted by diamond
It was meant to be an argumentative essay.

dbs
In that case, I would have narrowed the scope significantly and presented a more controversial argument (something that people aren't necessarily going to agree with, you have to convince them of), but I think what you have based on the thesis isn't bad.

And you actually cited sources and made a bibliography . When I TAed, it seemed climbing Mount Everest would have been easier than getting students to cite and bibliograph!
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Old 04-10-2007, 11:47 PM   #5
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There is a significant contingency of fine folks that can't be bothered w racism locally, nationally or globally.

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Old 04-11-2007, 12:11 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by diamond
There is a significant contingency of fine folks that can't be bothered w racism locally, nationally or globally.

dbs
True. I would tweak it to make an argument directed at this audience rather than stating it exists but shouldn't, if that makes sense?
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Old 04-11-2007, 12:16 AM   #7
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yas
yas

i get it.

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Old 04-11-2007, 12:25 AM   #8
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Be careful of using too many passive verbs. Active verbs make a stronger impact for the reader, and they allow you to be more argumentative, and to more actively attack your topic. Also be careful of being a little wordy (such as in the last sentence of the first paragraph, for example).

I think you have a lot of good ideas here, but I feel like the topic still might be a little too broad for the length of the essay. Racism is definitely a problem at the international, national, and state levels, but it might be more convincing to choose one of those levels and focus your essay there. Most readers will agree with you that racism is a huge problem, so I agree with Liesje that you should try to take your argument a step further. Challenge readers' preconceived notions, for instance, and try to change their minds about something. For example, racism seems like such a huge problem; how can an individual make a difference?
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Old 04-11-2007, 12:59 AM   #9
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love my peer review..

anyway guys it's been sent, i should have my grade in a few days..


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Old 04-11-2007, 01:13 AM   #10
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This is your final essay, is it something you need to do to graduate from your college or simply your last class assignment to hand in?

I don't have the time to read this right now (since I have about 100 pages of a terribly dull book to read by 9 am ), but I will do so if you're still interested in my opinion now that you've handed it in.

PS: is your prof's name really a curse word or did you blank out her last name?
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:23 AM   #11
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it's my final assigment/essay.

i'm on the cusp of a very high C or mid level B, with this being worth 100 points.

Total points for course are 1045, right now I think I'm at 765, with this last hundred up for grabs w this essay.

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Old 04-11-2007, 07:01 AM   #12
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Is this a university essay?

Firstly, your referencing is incomplete. You've only listed two references and they are from the same publication, just different issues. You also lack dates in your in-text referencing.

You don't begin with a clear outline of what you will cover.
You open with some blanket statements (not cited) about racism and hatred, but then cover global health epidemics and the lack of government assistance. You then do something similar with your national example. Your state paragraph is overly vague and again just opinion sentences clustered together.
Your conclusion is ethnocentric but directed at an entirely seperate continent as evidence. It's moot.
Your spelling and grammar need work.

It's a good topic, though, racism. For such a short essay, you're always best really honing in on one specific point.

Good luck, diamante dave.
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:29 AM   #13
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Well, a couple of things I noticed. If it's "ENG 101," does that mean it's a freshman-level course? If so, then the lack of several detailed sources might not be an issue; it might never have been required or expected at this course level.

My main criticism is what others have stated already: it's too broad.
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Old 04-11-2007, 09:21 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by Angela Harlem


Firstly, your referencing is incomplete. You've only listed two references and they are from the same publication, just different issues. You also lack dates in your in-text referencing.
Dates depend on the style of citation. For MLA, in-text citations use author last name and page/paragraph number, so he'd need to add that. I believe it's APA that uses author and date in-text. I'm guessing ENG101 would be using MLA unless the Prof. specifically wanted to teach APA. His Works Cited is in MLA (a few corrections needed).
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:53 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ormus
Well, a couple of things I noticed. If it's "ENG 101," does that mean it's a freshman-level course? If so, then the lack of several detailed sources might not be an issue; it might never have been required or expected at this course level.

My main criticism is what others have stated already: it's too broad.
Yes, I've attended a jr. college this year. Remember kids, I haven't been to scholl for 22 yrs.

And it was meant to be written in MLA format, but when I copied it, it didn't transfer that way.

Our sources could only be used from the on line data base presribed by the college.

Anyway I received an 84%. She claimed I had some fluency issues, but perhaps this good woman being unfamliar with the finer aspects of diamond speak, could broaden her perspective if she so chose to become better acquainted with me.

Anyway here are the comments:

Hi David -

I have reviewed your final essay. You did a nice job with it. There were still some errors and fluency issues, but overall I think you did a nice job. I have updated your gradebook and have also submitted your final grade for the course. Your final grade should post in the next 48 hours, if not sooner. It has been a pleasure to work with you! I wish you all the best in your future academic endeavors!

ENG101 LESN 13 Essay 7-N 84%

A**** ******
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