Monogamy Isn't Realistic? - Page 5 - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Free Your Mind > Free Your Mind Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 08-09-2005, 03:11 PM   #61
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 01:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by joyfulgirl
You just proved Irvine's point. Again.
Stay out of it. I said nothing negative about or to you; this is none of your business.
__________________

__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 03:16 PM   #62
ONE
love, blood, life
 
FizzingWhizzbees's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: the choirgirl hotel
Posts: 12,614
Local Time: 06:35 AM
Irvine, there are still better ways to express your opinions than name-calling. If you don't like another posters way of discussing a subject then you don't have to engage in a discussion with them.

Now can we please get this thread back to the original subject.
__________________

__________________
FizzingWhizzbees is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 03:19 PM   #63
Blue Crack Addict
 
MrsSpringsteen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 24,984
Local Time: 01:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by FizzingWhizzbees


Now can we please get this thread back to the original subject.
thanks, that would be nice

I get tired of this happening in my threads, sorry I like all of you but it's frustrating
__________________
MrsSpringsteen is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 03:23 PM   #64
Blue Crack Supplier
 
Irvine511's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 30,492
Local Time: 01:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by FizzingWhizzbees
Irvine, there are still better ways to express your opinions than name-calling. If you don't like another posters way of discussing a subject then you don't have to engage in a discussion with them.

firstly, i wasn't name calling. i was using adjectives to describe a manner of posting.

secondly, i am removing myself from discourse with said poster, and felt as if i should offer an explanation as to why i was doing so (which is why i used the words "obnoxious" and "unpleasant").
__________________
Irvine511 is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 03:30 PM   #65
ONE
love, blood, life
 
FizzingWhizzbees's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: the choirgirl hotel
Posts: 12,614
Local Time: 06:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by FizzingWhizzbees
Now can we please get this thread back to the original subject.
Please?

Irvine - if you'd like to discuss this anymore you're welcome to PM or email me.
__________________
FizzingWhizzbees is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 04:30 PM   #66
ONE
love, blood, life
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 10,881
Local Time: 01:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by joyfulgirl


I am not going to try to convince you to change your mind. I just think that sometimes a person has trust issues that go way, way back and long precede the relationship in which the trust was broken, and in fact, sometimes a person's trust issues are so big, and so deep, that they draw the very situation to them that they most fear and most would like to avoid, thereby reinforcing their inability to trust. The one who was unfaithful might actually never ever be unfaithful again while the one who cannot trust is the one who is unable to heal and move on because they are so attached to the idea that they can't trust that person--or anyone.
1stly....I do not have any fidelity issues in my marriage, thank goodness....

However, without revealing too much about my personal past, many issues that have come up in my marriage were not really about my marriage, but about scars that have been opened from other periods in my life. It makes it harder to deal with the now when the wounds are open.
__________________
Dreadsox is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 05:06 PM   #67
New Yorker
 
sallycinnamon78's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 2,977
Local Time: 07:35 AM
Quote:
It's just like statistically most people who are raped as adults were also sexually abused as children.
With all due respect, I find that a very bad comparison - it's not 'just like' it at all; the two are completely different situations, involving completely different actions, emotions, reactions. I haven't jumped in here to start a war, but I really felt compelled to point that out. I certainly understand the point you made though, about subconscious continuation of patterns.

Anyway. Kate obviously takes after her mother when it comes to opinions on being faithful:

"Monogamy is impossible these days for both sexes. I don't know anyone who's faithful or wants to be."
-Goldie Hawn

I know that I couldn't live like that, and my fiance of 4 years feels the same way, but even more strongly. That said, I know couples who have an 'open' relationship, by mutual agreement, who remain very happy together.

I'm going to do my usual here, which is go with My Individualism Thing. If both partners share the same views and expectations on monogamy, then fair enough. I do have a problem with people who lie to their partners and deceive them about dating or sleeping with someone else. Now that IS disrespectful.
__________________
sallycinnamon78 is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 05:19 PM   #68
Blue Crack Addict
 
joyfulgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 16,615
Local Time: 11:35 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Dreadsox


However, without revealing too much about my personal past, many issues that have come up in my marriage were not really about my marriage, but about scars that have been opened from other periods in my life. It makes it harder to deal with the now when the wounds are open.
I hear you--the same has been true for me in my relationships. I think that's true for many people, which is why I was saying--using the example of infidelity (but can be applied to just about anything)--that in some cases it can be an opportunity for a deeper kind of healing. Instead of just calling it quits because that's a black & white principle one has ("if you cheat it's over") why not seek couples counseling and see what happens. Through counseling the couple can either work through the issues or if they decide to end the marriage it can be done with the help of a counselor to ease the pain and bitterness and hopefully not create the same issues again.
__________________
joyfulgirl is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 05:34 PM   #69
Rock n' Roll Doggie
 
BonosSaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,566
Local Time: 02:35 AM
I don't think monogamy is the issue. It is the understanding between the two parties. If there is an expectation of faithfulness, then the non-monogamy can be a deal breaker. The affair (or whatever) isn't just the sex. It's usually deception, a betrayal of trust, which may or may not be overcome. I agree with joyfulgirl. Counselling may be necessary to either continue or end the marriage civilly.

If there is no expectation of faithfulness, there is no betrayal.
It might be good to understand why the affair occurred, however.

It is fair for someone to have non-negotiables in any marriage or any relationship, as long as everybody knows up front what the non-negotiables are. I'm not going to judge anybody's negotiables.
__________________
BonosSaint is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 05:47 PM   #70
War Child
 
MsGiggles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 905
Local Time: 04:35 PM
I think people cheat for various reasons, not just because the homelife isn't so great. Some people cheat "because they think they can". Charles Barkley once said his wife was married...but he's not......
__________________
MsGiggles is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 05:58 PM   #71
Blue Crack Addict
 
Moonlit_Angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: In a dimension known as the Twilight Zone...do de doo doo, do de doo doo...
Posts: 19,269
Local Time: 12:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by MrsSpringsteen
I get tired of this happening in my threads, sorry I like all of you but it's frustrating
.

I'm staying out of the little side thing that happned here and just going to say that I think the whole thing of how to deal with a cheating spouse is up to each individual couple to decide, as each couple will react differently to that sort of thing, and there are multiple reasons for cheating on your significant other, each couple's gonna have a different reason involved.

Thankfully, I've not had to experience the affair problem thus far, and I hope I never do. But personally, I'd be quite pissed if I found out the guy I loved was seeing someone else. But at the same time, too, if it was a one-time thing...I think it'd take some time for our trust to fully be restored, but I think it could happen, and I could consider trying again with him, especially if he was sincerely sorry about it and obviously feels bad and all that sort of thing. If it wasn't a one-time thing, however...see ya .

But that's just me. Again, every couple will react differently to this. We may not understand their reactions to it, which is fine, we don't have to. But it's still ultimately for them and them alone to deal with.

Angela
__________________
Moonlit_Angel is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 06:34 PM   #72
Forum Moderator
 
yolland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 7,471
Local Time: 07:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by LivLuvAndBootlegMusic
If my bf or future husband or whatever went out LOOKING for a sexual partner or had spent some time flirting and maybe even developing a relationship with another woman, I doubt I could ever trust him again.
This is a really good point, and one more reason to find the "men sow their seed" rationale suspect. It too easily becomes an excuse for neither partner to grapple with the full range of motivations for having an affair.

Quote:
Originally posted by joyfulgirl
Men tend to do it just for the sex (even if the sex at home is good) while women tend to do it because their emotional needs aren't being met at home.
I think this is a false distinction. Sex is itself all about emotional needs. I don't mean that in some woozy romantic sense, but rather in the sense that it operates as a stand-in for so many other needs, whether we consciously realize it or not.

Quote:
Originally posted by joyfulgirl
...if they decide to end the marriage it can be done with the help of a counselor to ease the pain and bitterness and hopefully not create the same issues again.
I agree; marriage counseling ought to be very seriously considered by all couples filing for a divorce, for precisely this reason. It's never over just because it's over, unfortunately...
__________________
yolland is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 06:37 PM   #73
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
80sU2isBest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,970
Local Time: 01:35 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by BonosSaint
I don't think monogamy is the issue. It is the understanding between the two parties. If there is an expectation of faithfulness, then the non-monogamy can be a deal breaker. The affair (or whatever) isn't just the sex. It's usually deception, a betrayal of trust, which may or may not be overcome. I agree with joyfulgirl. Counselling may be necessary to either continue or end the marriage civilly.

If there is no expectation of faithfulness, there is no betrayal.
It might be good to understand why the affair occurred, however.

It is fair for someone to have non-negotiables in any marriage or any relationship, as long as everybody knows up front what the non-negotiables are. I'm not going to judge anybody's negotiables.
I would think that people wouldn't have to actually state "Now I want you to be faithful to me", because the overwhelming view of marriage is that infidelity is a bad thing. People don't think they'd have to tell their spouses to be faithful; they'd think it was a given. If there is to be an "open" relationship, they better state their intentions from the get-go.
__________________
80sU2isBest is offline  
Old 08-09-2005, 06:48 PM   #74
Rock n' Roll Doggie
 
BonosSaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,566
Local Time: 02:35 AM
80's. Agreed. But it might be a good idea to discuss it either way beforehand. As much as you think you understand the other person, so much trouble comes from differing expectations. It's good to make it clear you have the same expectations upfront.
Too many assumptions are made. Many people go into marriage with the expectation of fidelity, but no idea what the price of nonfidelity will be. Discuss your non-negotiables and make it clear it's a deal breaker. And make sure your "other" makes his/her non-negotiables clear. Sometimes the level of commitment is not the same. Sometimes the expectations are not the same even if you think they are.

I think a lot of marriages break up because so little is discussed up front and your expectations of fidelity should be one of those things.
__________________
BonosSaint is offline  
Old 08-10-2005, 11:31 AM   #75
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
u2bonogirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Back on the blue crack after a long break
Posts: 6,726
Local Time: 02:35 AM
Im just wondering what the point of marrying somebody is if you think either one of you are going to cheat?
Whats the point of promising something that you dont think you can keep?
Why not just live together domestically until you get bored enough with one another, or trapped, or whatever, and move on to the next person?

Personally, if my husband cheated on me, it wouldnt be a deal breaker. It would be a big gigantic red fucking flag but it wouldnt break it for me. When I promised to stay by his side until death do us part I meant it.
__________________

__________________
u2bonogirl is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:35 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com