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Old 08-09-2005, 12:42 PM   #31
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I would, because I would never be able to trust that person again.

Forgive? Yes, I might be able to forgive. In fact, I need to forgive - it is a command.

I've seen relationships that were strengthened when an infidelity came to light. For a lot of reasons, communication in the relationship had broken down, and both parties were acting out in different ways. When the infidelity was exposed the relationship went into full-blown crisis, the couple got counseling to save the marriage, and not only did it work but it totally re-enlivened what had become a dead marriage. Things that appear to be bad or negative on the surface are often just symptoms of deeper issues and once those issues are worked through there's no reason not to trust again because both parties are taking responsibility for the one indiscretion instead of just casting blame at the other and playing the victim, and both are recommitted to working through it and they can even fall in love all over again. For me it wouldn't be a deal-breaker in and of itself. It would depend on many issues going on. A person can be disloyal in sex but completely loyal on a million other different and, imo, equally important levels.

An inability to trust a person again in some cases reveals more of a weakness on your part than theirs. Just a thought.
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Old 08-09-2005, 12:57 PM   #32
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I've seen relationships that were strengthened when an infidelity came to light. For a lot of reasons, communication in the relationship had broken down, and both parties were acting out in different ways. When the infidelity was exposed the relationship went into full-blown crisis, the couple got counseling to save the marriage, and not only did it work but it totally re-enlivened what had become a dead marriage. Things that appear to be bad or negative on the surface are often just symptoms of deeper issues and once those issues are worked through there's no reason not to trust again because both parties are taking responsibility for the one indiscretion instead of just casting blame at the other and playing the victim, and both are recommitted to working through it and they can even fall in love all over again. For me it wouldn't be a deal-breaker in and of itself. It would depend on many issues going on. A person can be disloyal in sex but completely loyal on a million other different and, imo, equally important levels.

An inability to trust a person again in some cases reveals more of a weakness on your part than theirs. Just a thought.

I mostly agree with this except that I know there are situations that have nothing to do with a bad relationship or poor communication (or things where both people are BOTH responsible), but just one person totally disrespecting and walking all over the other person by having a relationship on the side and sneaking around and lying about it.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:00 PM   #33
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To me, cheating is a matter of disrespecting the person you are with. If other people are willing to tolerate that in the context of their relationship, that's fine by me as it doesn't affect me.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:12 PM   #34
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An inability to trust a person again in some cases reveals more of a weakness on your part than theirs. Just a thought.


beautifully said. i had never thought of it that way, but i think you're absolutely right.

still, people find absolutes comforting. it's easier than thinking and working and dealing withthe complexity of reality.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:18 PM   #35
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I mostly agree with this except that I know there are situations that have nothing to do with a bad relationship or poor communication (or things where both people are BOTH responsible), but just one person totally disrespecting and walking all over the other person by having a relationship on the side and sneaking around and lying about it.
No doubt. There are so many different possible scenarios.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:26 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally posted by joyfulgirl


I've seen relationships that were strengthened when an infidelity came to light. For a lot of reasons, communication in the relationship had broken down, and both parties were acting out in different ways. When the infidelity was exposed the relationship went into full-blown crisis, the couple got counseling to save the marriage, and not only did it work but it totally re-enlivened what had become a dead marriage. Things that appear to be bad or negative on the surface are often just symptoms of deeper issues and once those issues are worked through there's no reason not to trust again because both parties are taking responsibility for the one indiscretion instead of just casting blame at the other and playing the victim, and both are recommitted to working through it and they can even fall in love all over again. For me it wouldn't be a deal-breaker in and of itself. It would depend on many issues going on. A person can be disloyal in sex but completely loyal on a million other different and, imo, equally important levels.

An inability to trust a person again in some cases reveals more of a weakness on your part than theirs. Just a thought.
When you marry someone, you make a vow to stay faithful to that person. Cheating on the person even once breaks that vow. What reason is there to ever trust the person again?

I don't care what "issues" there are. There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. Not one.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:30 PM   #37
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There might be no excuse for cheating but aren't the statistics something like 60 percent of men cheat? I think they've even discovered that women are close to the same percentage.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:30 PM   #38
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still, people find absolutes comforting. it's easier than thinking and working and dealing withthe complexity of reality.
Talk about easy.

How hard is it to deal in the reality that you have set up for yourself, the one that openly admitted to - that monogamy isn't necessary? How hard is it to keep that commitment?
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:31 PM   #39
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Originally posted by MissMoo
There might be no excuse for cheating but aren't the statistics something like 60 percent of men cheat? I think they've even discovered that women are close to the same percentage.
I don't know what the stats are. But people need to master their libidos, not be mastered by it.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:33 PM   #40
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I don't think it's a libido problem, I think it's a romance problem.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:35 PM   #41
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Originally posted by 80sU2isBest


When you marry someone, you make a vow to stay faithful to that person. Cheating on the person even once breaks that vow. What reason is there to ever trust the person again?

I don't care what "issues" there are. There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. Not one.
I am not going to try to convince you to change your mind. I just think that sometimes a person has trust issues that go way, way back and long precede the relationship in which the trust was broken, and in fact, sometimes a person's trust issues are so big, and so deep, that they draw the very situation to them that they most fear and most would like to avoid, thereby reinforcing their inability to trust. The one who was unfaithful might actually never ever be unfaithful again while the one who cannot trust is the one who is unable to heal and move on because they are so attached to the idea that they can't trust that person--or anyone.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:37 PM   #42
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Originally posted by joyfulgirl
sometimes a person's trust issues are so big, and so deep, that they draw the very situation to them that they most fear and most would like to avoid, thereby reinforcing their inability to trust.
How does mistrusting someone force that person to cheat on you? If that's not what you meant, please explain it further to me.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:40 PM   #43
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Originally posted by 80sU2isBest


How does mistrusting someone force that person to cheat on you? If that's not what you meant, please explain it further to me.
I'm not talking about 'force.' I'm talking psychology here. We sometimes draw to us exactly the thing we're trying to avoid. It's the subconscious mind's way of getting us to face our fears.
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:42 PM   #44
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I'm not talking about 'force.' I'm talking psychology here. We sometimes draw to us exactly the thing we're trying to avoid. It's the subconscious mind's way of getting us to face our fears.
I'm still not certain I understand. Are you saying that people who are overly afraid of being cheated on might be drawn to people who are more likely to cheat?
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Old 08-09-2005, 01:45 PM   #45
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I'm still not certain I understand. Are you saying that people who are overly afraid of being cheated on might be drawn to people who are more likely to cheat?
Bingo! Exactly.

It's just like statistically most people who are raped as adults were also sexually abused as children.
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