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Old 04-29-2003, 04:12 PM   #1
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Losing contact with a deceased loved one

I have been thinking..and murmuring..and wallowing..and grasping for awhile now…on this subject which is two-fold.

For background reasons, my mother passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer at Easter time several years ago. I was working in another city at the time but my entire family had arranged for the departure in the event that it was required to get home asap…so standby flights etc were made for special circumstances etc..to ensure that family could get home if that time arose…the day she passed away she spike a fever of 114…my father called the family to let us know to come home…I said I would come home now..and he said no..no need..there is nothing you can do..finish your day and come home right after work…frantic I said are you absolutely sure..he said yes..so arrangements were made for kids etc..and I arranged to go straight from work…I made it home by 7 at night..my brother came out the to driveway..I knew this was not a good sign…she was gone…I am told that the doctor came to the house…and she was suffering..and well she left us…my father was there..the doctor..my brother..my sister was downstairs..my other brother and myself were not there at all…she was gone when I arrived…my father…according to my mothers wishes…had instructed that she be cremated…and she was..I didn’t get to see her prior to that nor did I get to say goodbye…no viewing..just immediate family..private ceremony…and due to holiday they refused to bury her until after the holiday..so we wait for closure again.

So that is the background…..I was speaking to a therapist about this feeling I have. I had a session many moons ago with what I call a “white witch” She was someone who was respected in the community and had helped find missing children etc…anyway..this was way back in my early 20’s…when I entered her room..she immediately saw someone over my shoulder..as she went on to describe this person..it was my grandmother, my fathers mother…and it struck me as odd, because she was always closer to my older sister than to me…

And my therapist asked me if I sensed that my mother was with me in some way..and I don’t feel that she is…I feel like she is far far away…and that she doesn’t hear or see me..

So now to get to the question…I can talk to my mother in a spiritual sense..but I don’t necessarily feel that she is there..and Im wondering if this maybe is some sort of punishment that I put myself through spiritually for not being there when she needed me.

Any thoughts on this nagging question would be appreciated, because at this point in my life Id really like to reconnect somehow with her because I think she may be able to help me deal with some things that I am faced with…
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Old 04-29-2003, 05:00 PM   #2
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Re: Losing contact with a deceased loved one

Quote:
Originally posted by guaca
So now to get to the question…I can talk to my mother in a spiritual sense..but I don’t necessarily feel that she is there..and Im wondering if this maybe is some sort of punishment that I put myself through spiritually for not being there when she needed me.
According to people I've talked with who have been involved with hospice work, most people die when their loved ones are not there. When loved ones are present, it seems to be more difficult for the dying to let go. Often loved ones will hold vigil by the bed and then it's when they leave the room for a minute that the person dies. So please don't torture yourself over not being there when she left. It may have been a blessing.

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Old 04-29-2003, 05:23 PM   #3
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Re: Losing contact with a deceased loved one

Quote:
Originally posted by guaca
So now to get to the question…I can talk to my mother in a spiritual sense..but I don’t necessarily feel that she is there..and Im wondering if this maybe is some sort of punishment that I put myself through spiritually for not being there when she needed me.

Any thoughts on this nagging question would be appreciated, because at this point in my life Id really like to reconnect somehow with her because I think she may be able to help me deal with some things that I am faced with…
I don't think you're being punished at all.

My grandmother's sister died very young, in her thirties of breast cancer, and my grandmother always said she could feel her presence.

My mom, on the other hand, who grew up with this aunt of hers and probably loved her more than any other relative never got this sense of presence. For years and years she'd wish for it, but always sort of felt unconnected like you had. She said that some years after her aunt had died, she dreamt of her, and just saw her standing there, not speaking, but she sensed her presence and that was some 30 years ago. Nothing like that has happened since, and she says that in a way she feels that she said her goodbye in that dream. And there was really no specific purpose in the dream, it wasn't tied to any event, it just happened.

I don't really know what to tell you, but maybe that this isn't really something you could control or upregulate, it just happens in different ways for different people.

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Old 04-29-2003, 05:45 PM   #4
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I am sorry for your loss.


The only thing that should be eternal is love.

My mother died at age 42 (cancer) I was 10.
My older sister died at 37 (drowning accident) I was 35.
I have loss a few close friends at early ages, too.

At 47 I am the oldest living person in my family.


We are all only a quantity of time away from mortal death.

What can live beyond that- is love.
I miss my sister the most.
When I think of her humanity, decency, kindness, tolerance, and beauty I am comforted.
In my struggles to be a better person and emulate her qualities I keep her alive in my heart.

When we pass on what is good from our departed loved ones,
we become part of the process of eternal life.
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Old 04-30-2003, 06:56 PM   #5
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Guaca, I'm sorry about your loss, and I can relate to it. I lost my dad four years ago from cancer. Try not to be so hard on yourself.



And Deep I'm sorry for your loss as well.
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Old 05-01-2003, 03:10 AM   #6
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People say that when someone we love dies, they will be watching over someone specifically. Someone from the family, or with a very close association to that family. I think its puzzling how we can feel a sense of closeness to some and not others who may have passed away. For instance my grandad died a few years ago, but I feel all I have is memories. My father in law died just over a year ago, yet I get this feeling that he is still around. Why I can feel something more with my father in law than I can with the man who I am biologically tied to, is a mystery to me. Also, I went to an extremely unsettling psychic once, mostly as a bit of a laugh and to do a bit of a test, as I was full of scepticism. While I'm still doubtful as to the general ability of psychic phenomenon, I am absolutely struck dumb by what this woman knew. She described in great detail my grandmother in England who died about 3 years ago, and told me how she was watching over me. I never really knew my gran, after all we lived in different countries, but the uncanniness was something to behold. She even described the grave which I had to verify with my dad. She was right. Anyways, sorry to sidetrack, but my point I think is, that if our loved ones do indeed stay close to us when they pass on, we feel in in different measures. We may not see reason as to why it happens with some and not others. If we apply this thought to you, it might be because your mum feels a sense of completion with you. I have no doubt at all that she is there, somehwere, watching you and is just as proud of you as she was when she was here. The bonds we have with our most loved surely can't end because their life here does. You sound like you have a lot of guilt with not being there, and perhaps that is making you feel as you do. Its a very unfortunate natural reaction though, but I agree with what joyfulgirl said, and she probably feels it was better that you weren't. Its hard to find acceptance of this, when the grief feels as strong as it did the day yuor mum died. We lose such a huge part of yourselves when someone dies, and the hurt and pain can last for a very long time. I hope you find a way to ease your mind and can make the connection with your memories and the sense of having her there. to you, deep and tiny dancer.
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