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Old 04-06-2005, 08:25 AM   #1
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because we all need some humor on a wednesday ...




Subject: Living Will Formats
> >
> > Living Will Formats
> >
> > Living Will, Version 2005 from The Raging Grannies
> >
> > I, _______________________________, being of sound
> > mind and body, do not
> > wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
> > means.
> >
> > Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
> > hands of peckerwood
> > politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if
> > their lives depended on
> > it. This goes especially for Tom DeLay, who cuts off
> > life support for his
> > vegetative-state father but characterizes other
> > people's private and
> > well-reasoned decisions to do the same as murderous
> > and evil.
> >
> > If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
> > sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever
> > get better. When such a
> > determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
> > spouse, children and
> > attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the
> > tubes and call it a day.
> >
> > Under no circumstances shall the members of the
> > Legislature enact a special
> > law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my
> > wish that these boneheads
> > mind their own damn business, and pay attention
> > instead to the health,
> > education and future of the millions of Americans
> > who aren't in a permanent
> > coma.
> >
> > Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt
> > into this case. I don't
> > care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to
> > scrounge for their run
> > for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they
> > play politics with
> > someone else's life and leave me alone to die in
> > peace.
> >
> > I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots
> > send e-mails to
> > legislators in which they pretend to care about me.
> > I don't know these
> > people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to
> > preach and crusade on my
> > behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
> >
> > If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns
> > my case into a
> > political cause, I hereby promise to come back from
> > the grave and make his
> > or her existence a living hell.
> >
> > Living will is the best revenge
> > By ROBERT FRIEDMAN, Perspective Editor
> > Published March 27, 2005, St. Petersberg (FL) Times
> >
> > Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent
> > events to prepare a more
> > detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life
> > issues. Here's what mine
> > says:
> >
> > * In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative
> > state, I want medical
> > authorities to resort to extraordinary means to
> > prolong my hellish
> > semiexistence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough
> > for me.
> >
> > * I want my wife and my parents to compound their
> > misery by engaging in a
> > bitter and protracted feud that depletes their
> > emotions and their bank
> > accounts.
> >
> > * I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by
> > maintaining an interminable
> > vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she
> > waited less than a decade
> > to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a
> > semblance of a normal life.
> >
> > * I want my case to be turned into a circus by
> > losers and crackpots from
> > around the country who hope to bring meaning to
> > their empty lives by
> > investing the same transient emotion in me that they
> > once reserved for Laci
> > Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got
> > stuck in a well.
> >
> > * I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies
> > about my wife.
> >
> > * I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters
> > can gather to bring
> > further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens
> > of dying patients and
> > families whose stories are sadder than my own.
> >
> > * I want the people who attach themselves to my case
> > because of their deep
> > devotion to the sanctity of life to make death
> > threats against any judges,
> > elected officials or health care professionals who
> > disagree with them.
> >
> > * I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings
> > who populate the Florida
> > Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and
> > then turn my case into a
> > forum for weeks of politically calculated
> > bloviation.
> >
> > * I want total strangers - oily politicians, maudlin
> > news anchors, ersatz
> > friars and all other hangers-on - to start calling
> > me "Bobby,"
> > as if they had known me since childhood.
> >
> > * I'm not insisting on this as part of my directive,
> > but it would be nice if
> > Congress passed a "Bobby's Law" that applied only to
> > me and ignored the
> > medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans
> > without adequate health
> > coverage.
> >
> > * Even if the "Bobby's Law" idea doesn't work out, I
> > want Congress -
> > especially all those self-described conservatives
> > who claim to believe in
> > "less government and more freedom" - to trample on
> > the decisions of doctors,
> > judges and other experts who actually know something
> > about my case. And I
> > want members of Congress to launch into an extended
> > debate that gives them
> > another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as
> > national security and the
> > economy.
> >
> > * In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom
> > DeLay to use my case as an
> > opportunity to divert the country's attention from
> > the mounting political
> > and legal troubles stemming from his slimy
> > misbehavior.
> >
> > * And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to
> > make a mockery of his
> > Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the
> > details of my case in ways
> > that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential
> > campaign.
> >
> > * I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my
> > medical condition on
> > the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning
> > videotape that should have
> > remained private.
> >
> > * Because I think I would retain my sense of humor
> > even in a persistent
> > vegetative state, I'd want President Bush - the same
> > guy who publicly mocked
> > Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death
> > warrant as governor of Texas
> > - to claim he was intervening in my case because it
> > is always best "to err
> > on the side of life."
> >
> > * I want the state Department of Children and
> > Families to step in at the
> > last moment to take responsibility for my
> > well-being, because nothing bad
> > could ever happen to anyone under DCF's care.
> >
> > * And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most
> > righteous human being
> > on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the
> > aforementioned
> > directives to be disregarded if the governor happens
> > to disagree with them.
> > If he says he knows what's best for me, I won't be
> > in any position to argue.
> >
> > Robert Friedman is editor of Perspective. He can be
> > reached at
> > friedman@sptimes.com
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > NOTICE. The following message and any attachment
> > constitutes a confidential
> > attorney-client communication. It is not intended
> > for transmission to, or
> > receipt by, any unauthorized persons. If you have
> > received this
> > communication in error, do not read it. Please
> > delete it from your system
> > without copying it, and notify the sender by reply
> > e-mail or by calling
> > (801) 532-3333 so that our address record can be
> > corrected.
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Old 04-06-2005, 08:31 AM   #2
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Old 04-06-2005, 09:00 AM   #3
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Can you sign for a beer drinking tube? Maybe I'd start showing signs of life.
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Old 04-06-2005, 09:33 PM   #4
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Old 04-06-2005, 10:12 PM   #5
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That about sums it up.
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Old 04-07-2005, 07:25 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by Macfistowannabe
Can you sign for a beer drinking tube? Maybe I'd start showing signs of life.
sure, we will throw in a little Viagra for ya, too.


that way you won't roll out of bed.
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Old 04-09-2005, 06:48 AM   #7
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i got this in an email today.
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Old 04-09-2005, 03:54 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally posted by deep
sure, we will throw in a little Viagra for ya, too.

that way you won't roll out of bed.
Ha, can't wait...

This would make good use out of your tax dollars.
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Old 04-09-2005, 04:26 PM   #9
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Old 04-09-2005, 06:32 PM   #10
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