Is a woman more likely go out with a man that won't have sex?

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maycocksean

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than vice versa?

I know some women who say they HAVE to have sex before marriage because most guys won't go out with them, (or continue going out with them) if they won't sleep with them at some point in the future (outside of marriage that is). It's one of the reasons they feel "waiting for marriage" is no longer practical in todays world. Is the reverse true as well? Do you think in general a guy that wants to remain a virgin until marriage will encounter the same difficulties?

I'm having a discussion in my Bible class. I'd be curious to know what you think, and I'll share the responses with my students.
 
I don't think there is an answer to this. We'd probably like to think there is, so we can justify or explain away a preconceived stereotype or theory, but practically speaking it is impossible to answer, as well as a little irresponsible.
 
Well, I hope this isn't TMI, but the whole topic is kinda TMI....

I wanted to wait until marriage, not even so much for religious reasons, but I wanted to enjoy my time as a college student and not have to worry about getting pregnant or so emotionally attached to someone and not have it work out. I'm glad I made that decision. Sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Actual intercourse is only one of many, many, many ways people can be intimate and enjoy a physical relationship.

I can't relate to what you're saying at all, not that I can't see it happening or think it's wrong. I guess I don't understand why anyone would even want to get involved in a committed relationship with anyone who did not share the same views about sex and physical intimacy. Two people OK with having sex before marriage makes sense. Two people personally committed to waiting makes sense. One person personally committed to waiting and another that needs to "try it before you buy it" does not make sense.

IMO, the main reasons people don't wait until marriage are because we know so much more about sex and having protected sex, and we are in relationships where it's not uncommon to be together for like 2-10 years before marriage. And, the reasons we get married are changing. We no longer get married simply for tradition or economic security. We have more ownership and independence in our lives, but still value sexual intimacy as an important part of a relationship.
 
Angela Harlem said:
I don't think there is an answer to this. We'd probably like to think there is, so we can justify or explain away a preconceived stereotype or theory, but practically speaking it is impossible to answer, as well as a little irresponsible.

You are probably right. Obviously no one person can speak for all women or men, and I don't suppose I'm asking for indisputable facts. Just kind of your impression based on the people you know. I don't know that THAT question is so impossible (or irresponsible) to answer.

What I do know is that at least some of the women I know have felt that they must have sex in order to have any kind of meaningful relationship these days. I don't know of any men who felt that way.
 
Liesje said:
Well, I hope this isn't TMI, but the whole topic is kinda TMI.....

Well, I wasn't necessarily looking for any personal revelations though if anyone wanted to share their personal experience, as you did, that's fine with me. I just wanted to get a general sense. Don't worry this won't be presented as Hard Facts. (I'll actually just call the kids over to the computer and we'll read some of the responses.)


Liesje said:
I can't relate to what you're saying at all, not that I can't see it happening or think it's wrong. I guess I don't understand why anyone would even want to get involved in a committed relationship with anyone who did not share the same views about sex and physical intimacy. Two people OK with having sex before marriage makes sense. Two people personally committed to waiting makes sense. One person personally committed to waiting and another that needs to "try it before you buy it" does not make sense.

While it may not "make sense", it does happen. At least to some of the women in my life (my sister and cousin come to mind)and it's pretty hard for them--(or would be had they not decided, oh well, I gotta do what I gotta do). Obviously if you chose to associate only with people who share your religious or moral beliefs about the subject it shouldn't be a problem, but not everyone has that "luxury" or makes that choice.

Liesje said:
IMO, the main reasons people don't wait until marriage are because we know so much more about sex and having protected sex, and we are in relationships where it's not uncommon to be together for like 2-10 years before marriage. And, the reasons we get married are changing. We no longer get married simply for tradition or economic security. We have more ownership and independence in our lives, but still value sexual intimacy as an important part of a relationship.

This part of your post should make for some good discussion this class period. :)
 
maycocksean said:

While it may not "make sense", it does happen. At least to some of the women in my life (my sister and cousin come to mind)and it's pretty hard for them--(or would be had they not decided, oh well, I gotta do what I gotta do). Obviously if you chose to associate only with people who share your religious or moral beliefs about the subject it shouldn't be a problem, but not everyone has that "luxury" or makes that choice.

I wasn't meaning in terms of morals or religion, just what we decide for ourselves and our bodies. I don't chose my friends based exclusively on religion or morals, that's not really what I meant. I choose to associate with pretty much anybody, but I choose to have sex with only those who are willing to respect the boundaries I've already set for myself before I even knew them.
 
maycocksean said:
than vice versa?

I know some women who say they HAVE to have sex before marriage because most guys won't go out with them, (or continue going out with them) if they won't sleep with them at some point in the future (outside of marriage that is). It's one of the reasons they feel "waiting for marriage" is no longer practical in todays world. Is the reverse true as well? Do you think in general a guy that wants to remain a virgin until marriage will encounter the same difficulties?

I'm having a discussion in my Bible class. I'd be curious to know what you think, and I'll share the responses with my students.

Yeah I think it is more likely. No real reason, it just seems more likely. Of the people I have met who are abstaining til after their wedding or whatever, most of them tend to be women, but that, I suppose is not necessarily the be all and end all.....

Tough question....
 
Liesje said:


IMO, the main reasons people don't wait until marriage are because we know so much more about sex and having protected sex, and we are in relationships where it's not uncommon to be together for like 2-10 years before marriage.

...and because sex is an enjoyable activity...
 
I might adore him as a friend, but I wouldn't consider him much beyond that even though I respected the choice he made.

But I'm older now. As a young woman, I might have thought differently. It was a different time though. So I am utterly of no help, lol.
 
maycocksean said:
than vice versa?

I know some women who say they HAVE to have sex before marriage because most guys won't go out with them, (or continue going out with them) if they won't sleep with them at some point in the future (outside of marriage that is). It's one of the reasons they feel "waiting for marriage" is no longer practical in todays world. Is the reverse true as well? Do you think in general a guy that wants to remain a virgin until marriage will encounter the same difficulties?

I'm having a discussion in my Bible class. I'd be curious to know what you think, and I'll share the responses with my students.

the girl or the guy won't find great difficulties if he/she finds someonee who loves him/her for what he/she is and not just to have a partner...
 
I think in general it is more difficult for a man to remain a virgin if that's what he wants to do than it is for a woman, from the standpoint of what "society" as a whole thinks and how he will be judged by others. Some people just assume and believe that there is something "wrong" with a man who makes that decision-a woman too but even more so for a man. There was a basketball player AC Green (I think it was him) who publicly stated that he wanted to remain a virgin and I believe he even went around speaking about the whole issue to kids. It was rather revolutionary for an athlete, and he just had so much class and dignity about the whole thing.

I think if you are deeply in love with someone that you could work it out for a long term relationship. It probably would and could be difficult if you're not on the same page about it. But as a general statement I think perhaps if people put as much effort into all other aspects of the relationship as they do about sex, well it should be possible. Perhaps it takes more real intimacy to do that than the intimacy that is involved with sex. It certainly takes more effort.

I don't see why someone would have an issue with one or several casual dates with someone who made that choice, unless you're just "dating" for sex.
 
Simply, yes.

Culturally, men are expected to be having sex, they're more respected by their peers if they're "getting some". Women, on the other hand, are reviled if they're having sex (they're branded whores, or sluts). As long as we have that double standard, women will be more likely to date abstinent men than vice versa.

That said, on an individual basis, I don't think it's true. If you have a woman who enjoys sex/wants to have sex, and a man who wants to wait, I don't think she's more likely to wait than a guy is. There just aren't as many situatins like that.
 
CTU2fan said:
If you have a woman who enjoys sex/wants to have sex, and a man who wants to wait, I don't think she's more likely to wait than a guy is.

I agree. I don't think men are more likely not to wait just because they are men and women are more likely to wait because they are women. Society tells each gender different things and makes it seem that more women would wait and more men would not, but honestly of all the people I know I can't say that more women have waited. It's pretty much even because no matter what society says, it's really going to depend on the individual and/or the relationship. I know guys that have no qualms about waiting and I know women who do date for sex. It pretty much gets evened out in the end.
 
It really depends how you were raised. Usually in a relationship where the parties involved are over 18, after an extended period of dating/courting, the couple might make the decision to have to sex. There's nothing wrong with having sex as long as you are responsible and mature about it. Plenty of people have class and dignity and still have sex.
But, if you were raised to wait until marriage then sex is not really a favorable choice.
 
MrPryck2U said:
Plenty of people have class and dignity and still have sex.

If you meant that as a reference to what I said about AC Green, well what I meant by that was that it must have been awfully tough for an NBA star to come out publicly and talk about his virginity, given what some in society might say and the reputation of some athletes. I'm sure he was probably ridiculed for it, but he always maintained his class and dignity. So if that's what you meant, yes I'm perfectly aware that plenty of people have class and dignity and still have sex.
 
LOL! You're exactly right! AC played with Magic Johnson when Magic was sleeping with every woman he spotted. AC was wise to go the other way.
 
Re: Re: Is a woman more likely go out with a man that won't have sex?

lady luck said:


the girl or the guy won't find great difficulties if he/she finds someonee who loves him/her for what he/she is and not just to have a partner...

See that's what I tell my sister.

Fortunately she's been in a relationship with a pretty great guy for awhile now, and I'm just happy for her on that count.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It was thought provoking and I'm sure the kids will find it interesting when we reconvene for class next week.
 
Liesje said:

IMO, the main reasons people don't wait until marriage are because we know so much more about sex and having protected sex, and we are in relationships where it's not uncommon to be together for like 2-10 years before marriage. And, the reasons we get married are changing. We no longer get married simply for tradition or economic security. We have more ownership and independence in our lives, but still value sexual intimacy as an important part of a relationship.

Wow, Lies, I really disagree with at least part of what you're saying here. Do you really think people are having more sex because the "know more about having sex and having protected sex"? Because that's exactly the argument that anti-sex ed folks are making. If you teach them, they will do it.

I think, if it is true that "more people aren't waiting for marriage" (and I'm not convinced it is. . .I think people have been having sex before marriage since time imemorial. . .it's just people no longer bother to hide it) it's becaues it's more socially acceptable. And the other reasons you said. . .I just don't accept the first one.
 
maycocksean said:


Wow, Lies, I really disagree with at least part of what you're saying here. Do you really think people are having more sex because the "know more about having sex and having protected sex"? Because that's exactly the argument that anti-sex ed folks are making. If you teach them, they will do it.

I think, if it is true that "more people aren't waiting for marriage" (and I'm not convinced it is. . .I think people have been having sex before marriage since time imemorial. . .it's just people no longer bother to hide it) it's becaues it's more socially acceptable. And the other reasons you said. . .I just don't accept the first one.

I wasn't talking about tweens when I said that. It's not the same as "getting my 11 year old vaccinated against HPV will cause her to have more sex." I should have specified: mature adults already in committed relationships. Maybe it's more socially acceptable because we know how to have sex without getting pregnant or STDs? Truthfully, if I was in a committed relationship for say three years and counting, and we didn't want to have a baby but no birth control pills were available, I'd not have sex.

Like you say, I'm also not convinced less people are waiting.
 
MrsSpringsteen said:


If you meant that as a reference to what I said about AC Green, well what I meant by that was that it must have been awfully tough for an NBA star to come out publicly and talk about his virginity, given what some in society might say and the reputation of some athletes. I'm sure he was probably ridiculed for it, but he always maintained his class and dignity. So if that's what you meant, yes I'm perfectly aware that plenty of people have class and dignity and still have sex.

Plus, other guys do give you a lot of crap about being a virgin. You get questions like "what if you ´re wife isn´t a virgin?" and things like that that put you in a weird spot because you never know what to answer. It´s tough to be a virgin.

If you want to remain a virgin though, don´t do anything sexual at all because each time you´ll do a little bit more and then some more and before you know it you´ll be having intercourse.

So be careful.
 
BrownEyedBoy said:


If you want to remain a virgin though, don´t do anything sexual at all because each time you´ll do a little bit more and then some more and before you know it you´ll be having intercourse.

So be careful.

:eyebrow:
 
maycocksean said:
than vice versa?

I know some women who say they HAVE to have sex before marriage because most guys won't go out with them, (or continue going out with them) if they won't sleep with them at some point in the future (outside of marriage that is). It's one of the reasons they feel "waiting for marriage" is no longer practical in todays world. Is the reverse true as well? Do you think in general a guy that wants to remain a virgin until marriage will encounter the same difficulties?

I'm having a discussion in my Bible class. I'd be curious to know what you think, and I'll share the responses with my students.
If we are jumping to get married before we are 20 so we can have sex it makes sense/
 
BrownEyedBoy said:


...just trying to help. :shrug:

Help who? People do have self control you know. I have many many friends who stayed virgins until marriage (or still are) but were in no way prudes! Actual intercourse is only one of infinite possibilities as far as sexual intimacy, and many people will say it's not always the best (lots prefer oral sex).
 
If the song"Man and a Woman" is playing on their stereo, that crap will ensure virginity for the both of them at least for the night
 
Liesje said:


Help who? People do have self control you know. I have many many friends who stayed virgins until marriage (or still are) but were in no way prudes! Actual intercourse is only one of infinite possibilities as far as sexual intimacy, and many people will say it's not always the best (lots prefer oral sex).

Well, one thing DOES lead to another. If you have all the self control in the world, more power to you the advice is not for you. I was just trying to give some advice on the issue.
 
BrownEyedBoy said:


If you want to remain a virgin though, don´t do anything sexual at all because each time you´ll do a little bit more and then some more and before you know it you´ll be having intercourse.

So be careful.

Some people have self control. One thing doesn't always lead to another.
 
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