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Old 09-29-2005, 12:47 PM   #1
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If Disaster Struck LA......

POWER OUTAGE IN LOS ANGELES

- Horror and disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area recently, as a power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.

The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its blistering 78-degree heat.

"It was horrible," said out of work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it hit. The blenders simply shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty ugly."

In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcast conflicting reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83-years old and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If she doesn't get a venti Arabian _Mocha Sanani soon I don't know what's going to happen to her, I really don't." said cologenist Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the Raw? Are you friggin' kidding me?" sobbed avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South Beach Diet. My insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this! Why isn't the rest of the country doing something?"

Deteriorating conditions may force authorities to evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale shopping centers, including The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern the situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.

At least 2,000 refugees, the majority of them beautiful, will travel in a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard. Thank heavens.

Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont, "The scope and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local car washes are at a standstill, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an hour now and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15 minutes.

"We want to accommodate those people suffering in The Beverly Center as quickly as possible! for the simple reason that they have been through a horrible ordeal," Grant said.

"We need Evian. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands trapped in The Beverly Center when the escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending somebody through here."

Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing DirecTV service to work only intermittently and forcing local residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking Pacific from their ocean view decks.

"I can hardly begin to put this experience into words," said seasoned Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein. "I was just getting into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball players when my Power Book crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing."

Delivering a belated radio address live from the White House, President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised relief workers. "Despite their best efforts, the magnitude in responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said. "The result is that many of our citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."

"Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt they will bounce back like this never happened," professed Cellulite Reduction Specialist, Kim Bellevue. "The therapy sessions could reach an all time high, though."
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Old 09-29-2005, 01:07 PM   #2
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Old 09-29-2005, 01:15 PM   #3
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Old 09-29-2005, 01:43 PM   #4
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Sadly, some of this is closer to fact than farce.
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Old 09-29-2005, 01:46 PM   #5
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and what would happen to Brad Pitt's hair?
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:04 PM   #6
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Originally posted by BluRmGrl
Sadly, some of this is closer to fact than farce.

That was my thought too.

I couldn't believe that the black out in LA a few weeks ago made the national news and that our local news covered it like it was a disaster of epic proporitons.
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:27 PM   #7
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That was absolutely hilarious! It really does accurately peg L.A., too. Thanks for posting!
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:35 PM   #8
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That was my thought too.

I couldn't believe that the black out in LA a few weeks ago made the national news and that our local news covered it like it was a disaster of epic proporitons.
How about the fact that they cover a little sprinkle of rain like it's a torrential downpour? It's a raindrop..FLEE!!!! I'm originally from Texas, and the local media's overreaction to everything is so damn funny to me.
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Old 09-29-2005, 03:33 PM   #9
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I thought this was funny, but sort of pitiful at the same time. Talk about spoiled...........
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Old 09-29-2005, 04:12 PM   #10
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How about the fact that they cover a little sprinkle of rain like it's a torrential downpour? It's a raindrop..FLEE!!!! I'm originally from Texas, and the local media's overreaction to everything is so damn funny to me.

STORMWATCH 2005!!!

What would we do without the Doppler 7000?
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Old 09-29-2005, 04:18 PM   #11
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There can't be any place that hypes the weather more than New England, I am surprised they do that in CA. I think it's just one way for TV stations to try to outdo each other.
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Old 09-29-2005, 04:45 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bono's American Wife



STORMWATCH 2005!!!

What would we do without the Doppler 7000?


Every time it mists.


I guess with the $$$$$$ in ruined auto detailing with every storm, it IS major news in SoCal.
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Old 09-29-2005, 05:01 PM   #13
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Every time it mists.


I guess with the $$$$$$ in ruined auto detailing with every storm, it IS major news in SoCal.

Dallas cares about us and our cars, that's why he keeps us informed
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Old 09-29-2005, 05:08 PM   #14
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