I was adopted...

[BVS]

I know we have a few other adoptees in here. I've always gone back and forth with myself if I wanted to find my birth parents. Well I'm at a point in my life where I know without doubt I want to pursue this, but I have no idea how to start.

Are there any in here who've tried? Suceeded? What legal issues do you have to deal with?

I know there are tons of emotional issues to deal with like that of my own, my parents feelings, and that of my birth parents(do they want any part in this). I'm willing to deal with these, but I've always hit a brick wall with the technical aspects of looking for them.

Any ideas, stories, or personal experience would help.

Thanks.

 

[thrillme]

Hospital records? Don't they usually they have the parents names on those?

 

[Dreadsox]

In my situation, my grandmother(mother's mom) had kept in touch with my biological grandparents. When my parents divorced and the man I knew as my grandfather passed away, I decided I wanted to get to know my biological grandparents. I happened to be very close to my grandmother who put me in touch with my natural grandparents, which led to me making a relationship with my natural father.

I am not sure what records would have helped me. In my case, my mother was able to change my birth certificate as well as my baptismal records in the Catholic Church where I was baptized. She did not want me to be able to go back and find them.

Any regrets? The most supportive person in the whol ordeal was my adoptive father. My mother, unfortunately was never able to forgive my decision to seek them out. There are other issues there, but it led to an incredibly painful wedding experience, one which has left an eleven year rift in our relationship.

I do not regret my decision other than the above situation. My children have a great relationship with their grandfathers. I am attending my grandfather's 90th birthday party in a week. It has explained quite a bit about myself to me.

My only advice is to be certaint that this is what you want, and that you understand that even when people tell you it is ok, there may still be feelings they are not sharing with you. ANy other chat about it you know how to reach me.

Good luck.

 

[Angela Harlem]

The only advice I have is, if you are sure, yet suspect that other people in your family will not be happy with this, then please dont tell them. I'm not a believer in hiding the truth from anyone but the pain this might cause others is a whole lot bigger. I dont know much about you bvs or your family, but if anyone in your family could be hurt by this then please think about sparing them. This suggestion sounds so dishonest, I know. But if you have anyone in your family who might feel extreme pain at the threat of this - in that it might place questions on their role or place in your life as family - then proceed as you need and dont question your honest needs, but please do consider them. I dont mean to ply you with guilt. You need to do what you need to do.

Good luck.

 

[dandy]

Dread

I was adopted, too, and I've waivered back and forth on whether I want to go looking for my biological parents as well. For some reason, I'm not all that curious (even though I have my mother's full name and date of birth). Even though my mom says she'd be entirely fine with me going ahead and tracking them down, I know she'd struggle with it. It's not an easy decision to make because it brings up a lot of emotional issues for all of the people involved.

I know here in Canada, the government has a department that keeps a registry of people searching for their adopted/adoptive family members. (In my province, it's part of the Department of Family and Community Services.) You might want to start by checking with the state you live in and the state you were born in to see if they have a similar registry or any other records you can access. Your original birth certificate should have the parents' names on them, as would the hospital records.

There are also a mountain of adoption sites and message boards online--just do a google search. Most of them use the date of birth as a reference point, so it could be helpful if you don't have a name to go on.

Good luck. Keep us posted on your journey--I know I'd love to hear how this goes for you.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

That must be so difficult

My Mother has a cousin who is in her late 60's and still can't find anything out-we have tried to help her going to look for records, her issue is that there is a person involved whose family was prominent and influential at the time and was able to cover things up and alter records, stuff like that. But the real issue is, at her age it's still causing her so much heartache. So my only advice would be, if you want to do it, to do it asap to avoid even more heartache down the line. Obviously it's much easier for her though since her parents are no longer living.

I think there are people you can hire to help you, but I'm sure that's very expensive.

Best of luck w/ this

 

[joyfulgirl]

A friend of mine had a very successful reunion with her birth parents whom she found via search agencies on the internet. It didn't take very long and wasn't very expensive although I don't remember all the details. Her birth parents are divorced and she has developed good relationships with both of them--friendships, actually, which is pretty cool.

Another friend had a less than satisfying experience. He found his birth parents, met them, and really didn't like them so he never pursued a relationship with them. He's a weird guy, though, so I'm not surprised that his birth parents turned out to be weird!

Good luck!

 

[Dreadsox]

After reading Angela's post I want to stress that my family had suffered through a divorce. Since there was no family unit to protect, I felt it made my decision easier.

As I tried to explain, both of my parents expressed that they would support my decision. My father has been great about it. He is a gentleman. My mother on the other hand, even though she expressed her sadness at my decision claimed she would be able to handle my decision. It turned out not to be the case.

I needed to do what I did. I needed to face things for myself at the time. If there is a point at which I could say my life was at a crossroads and it was there. The decision really set me down a path that has made me a stronger person. There are sad parts of this, but for me it was a point at which I can say I began my life anew.

Not sure if this makes sense. There are many factors, and I would not dare make the decision for you. I have a friend that did the same thing I did, and it turns out she did not want anything to do with her father after meeting him. WE went through this around the same time with two very different rseults.

 

[BVS]

Hospital records? Don't they usually they have the parents names on those?

They're sealed. I don't know what legal means I would have to go through to get them opened. I'm trying to find that out.

 

[BVS]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

The only person that I think may be hurt is my mother and I will have to have a long discussion with her before I make any steps. I'm confident though that she would eventually realize this isn't anything against her and that SHE is my mother and nothing will change that or get in between us.

 

[beau2ifulday]

I'm adopted too. It never really irked me, because my parents told me that they knew nothing about my biological parents, but last year, I had to visit the American Embassy in London to get a social security number, and the issue was raised by the personnel at the office. Nothing huge was revealed or anything, but I discovered that my parents has known their names all along. I felt a little betrayed, to be honest, but not to the point that it caused a rift. My biological father has somewhat of an unusual surname for an American (he's Polish), and I was quite easily able to trace him through the internet, however, my biological mother's name is as common as Jack Smith, so I gave up on that.
It's bizarre. I have the names and addresses of my biological father and one of my biological aunts in my wallet now. I have my biological father's phone number too, and sometimes I get as far as dialling it, and then hanging up. I'm not sure if it's a step of my life i'm ready to take yet. I feel a little bitter, as apparantly, the reason they gave for giving me up for adoption was 'because they were young and not a steady couple', yet I found out that they married less than a year after my birth.

I wish you the best of luck with it all - keep us updated with it all

 

[U2Kitten]

Sad as it is, they may not want to be found Your mother may not have told her husband she had a child before, or something like that. If people want to be found, there is usually a trail. You are lucky, and you should be very grateful to her for making the unselfish decision to give you life, and give you up, not for her own good, but for yours. I hate to bring it up, but since you are an adoptee I am shocked that you are such an abortion supporter. Other adoptees I know are against it because they know they easily could have been one if their mothers were not so unselfish. Whoever your parents are and wherever they are, they are wonderful people. If you find them, I'm sure you'll see this.

 

[dandy]

I hate to bring it up...

then please don't. start another thread if you want to talk about your thoughts on that matter, but please don't derail this thread.

 

[BVS]

Sad as it is, they may not want to be found

I realize that and have weighed that in as part of the risk I take.

I hate to bring it up, but since you are an adoptee I am shocked that you are such an abortion supporter.

Thanks for politicizing my personal life.

 

[Dreadsox]

[Q] I hate to bring it up, but since you are an adoptee I am shocked that you are such an abortion supporter. Other adoptees I know are against it because they know they easily could have been one if their mothers were not so unselfish.[/Q]

And this has something to do with the thread why?

I am adopted and I support a woman's right to choose.

There now you have two of us who you can label as selfish.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

 

[U2Kitten]

Sorry for messing up the thread but the paradox was too much to handle there. Remember, that 'choosing' the 'woman' is doing is killing a child, a child who could have grown up to be one of us. Every woman or girl who gives up their child for adoption is a beautiful person who put the child's life above whatever personal issues she had. Bless her forever, wherever she is.

I do believe all adoptees need to at least find out their medical history, even if the parents do not want to be contacted personally. Everyone needs to know that for their own good. I hope you find something. And I will stay away from this thread.

 

[dandy]

And this has something to do with the thread why?

I am adopted and I support a woman's right to choose.

There now you have two of us who you can label as selfish.

make that three, and add to that the fact that i am a woman myself.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Adoptees do not make different people.

family is who raises you.

it does not make us choose different political stances.

family is family.

 

[BVS]

Adoptees do not make different people.

Well in a way they do. I can only speak from my own experience but being adopted has made some very "different" experiences in my life.

In grade school when you are asked to make a family shield and explain where you come from, taking my parents name and making a shield felt like a lie, so I got in trouble for turning in a blank poster board.

Leaving your medical history forms blank is always a little rough.

And I can't even begin to count how many times people look at my family and ask me "what happen to you?"

 

[joyfulgirl]

And I will stay away from this thread.

Good.

BVS, how old were you when you found out you were adopted?

 

[BVS]

I've pretty much always known. I always remember knowing I was adopted but never really knew what it meant until I was like 5 or 6.

In fact I remember like it was yesterday when my mother sat me down read me a book and really explained what it meant to be adopted. That conversation has shaped my life tremendously.

 

[Do Miss America]

Sorry for messing up the thread but the paradox was too much to handle there. Remember, that 'choosing' the 'woman' is doing...

Wow do you try and turn every thread into something about abortion? Good greif lady.

Anyways I had a cousin who was adopted, an amazing woman but lived most of her short life in depression and stated many times that a lot of her depression she felt came from not knowing who she was or not knowing where she came from. I couldn't ever relate, but everyone loved her. She was in the process of looking for her parents before she died. I think it's a very brave thing. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[joyfulgirl]

I've pretty much always known. I always remember knowing I was adopted but never really knew what it meant until I was like 5 or 6.

In fact I remember like it was yesterday when my mother sat me down read me a book and really explained what it meant to be adopted. That conversation has shaped my life tremendously.

My friend who I mentioned had a successful reunion with her birth parents spent most of her years growing up in orphanages and crappy foster homes. She's such a beautiful person I can't imagine her being anything but a beautiful child yet year after year passed in the orphanage and she didn't get adopted. Then on to the abusve foster homes. Finally when she was about 17 she got her own apartment and lived alone. Finding her birth parents was such a healing for her. They explained to her that they were just too young and fucked up to raise a kid and they were heartbroken to discover how difficult her life had been. Naturally they thought they were doing the best thing for her and envisioned her in a happy, healthy home with people who loved her. My friend holds no animosity towards them at all and, as I said, has developed wonderful relationships with them.

 

[BostonAnne]

I've pretty much always known. I always remember knowing I was adopted but never really knew what it meant until I was like 5 or 6.

In fact I remember like it was yesterday when my mother sat me down read me a book and really explained what it meant to be adopted. That conversation has shaped my life tremendously.

I hope in a positive way.

 

[BVS]

I hope in a positive way.

Absolutely.

 

[sulawesigirl4]

My best friends growing up were all adopted. (My parents were missionaries and their partner family were unable to conceive and adopted 3 Indonesian children.) I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

 

[angel_of_L.A.]

I've pretty much always known. I always remember knowing I was adopted but never really knew what it meant until I was like 5 or 6.

In fact I remember like it was yesterday when my mother sat me down read me a book and really explained what it meant to be adopted. That conversation has shaped my life tremendously.

Whatever you decide, remember to go with your