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Old 03-05-2002, 12:29 AM   #1
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I need some advice

Well something has happened(or had happened and i just found out about it). You know that thing that happens in your life that changes the way you look at life forever?

Well i meet this girl in high school(please dont stop reading its not that kind of story)anyways, we knew eachother to say hi and bye. She started at my work about 3 months ago and ever since then we have become best of friends. You know that friend that you abosoulty thank God for letting you meet? We have become a little more then just friends, but thats besides the point.

After a night out at the bar we always sit in our cars and talk for a few hours. Its like therphy we just can tell each other anything. Her family is wealthy, they own a car dealership outside of town and a resort in Britsh Columbia. Her dad lives were the dealership is and whenever he came up in a conversation she would turn quite and retracted. Last night we had one such talk and we got on the subject of her dad. She obviuslly didnt like talking about it and started to tear up. I was very concerned.

She really didnt want to tell me what was bugging her. I kind of forced it outof her. She said the worst thing ever had happened to her. She said she could never say it. She said think of the worst and then think what could be even worse. At that point she really had me scared. I really care about her and was hating see her like this. It started to click. She hates her dad. He lives out of town and only is home every second weekend.

I dont know how to say it but her dad raped her for 3 years.

Breath.

I couldnt believe it. Huh. what.

She told me the story. When she was 11 it started. (shes now 18) When she was 12 her mom walked in on it happening!!! Her mom said it would stop. 2 months later it started again. For 2 more years it went on till she told her mom it was happening again. Her mom told him to move away.

Her mom told him to move away. Thats it. Period. She is still married to him. Still goes and sees him.

This girl who is the best person i have ever meet had to be put through 3 years of constent rape while her mother sat there and did nothing. She was in grade 9 when it ended. To this day only me her and her parents know this. She has 2 older bro and sis. She doesnt know what to do. I dont know what to do. Her mom is moving out to the dealership with that bastard!

She has nowhere to go. Her parents want to buy her a condo. She is so strong she refused and wants me to move out with her. I just cant i have school and bills.

I have two questions.

1) How should i deal with this. Should i do what she wants or do something she is too afraid to do herself. I seriuosly want to kill this piece of shit.

2) Should i move out with her? I want to but i just dont have the money.


I have never been so disgusted in my life. I have never been so angry. So mad. So helpless. So, just so damn pissed off. Who the fuck is he to steal her life away from her and then just shove it under the carpet. Her mom is just as bad. How could someone not protect their kid. How could someone stay with a man that would do this. I look at the small problems people bitch and complain about and then i look at her and the shit she has gone through by herself!!! It puts everything into perspective.

These kinds of people should be killed.

Thanks for reading and say a prayer for her and all the other people in the world that are going through this.



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Old 03-05-2002, 12:56 AM   #2
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I'm so sorry. I had no idea when I clicked on this it would be something like this. I don't know what to say.

All I can say that I think some other people need to be told. Her father is a criminal, for one thing, and someone who would do that to their daughter would probably do similar things to other people. But it's easy to say that the police would be told, that would certainly open up a whole huge other can of worms. But they do have to be told, don't they? Doesn't it still matter though it happened a few years ago? Isn't he still dangerous, doesn't he still deserve to be treated like a criminal? I'm just thinking on the screen here, sorry.

Beyond that, your friend may need counselling or something. "Counselling" is another thing that is easy to say, it's not something I've had to go through in any form and I don't know how well it works or what it does or doesn't do. Depends, I guess. But she must be suffering from psychological scars the likes of which we have a hard time understanding.

Please don't keep it all to yourselves, I really think some experts need to get in on this. Oh, and you probably wouldn't actually but don't do something violent to her dad if you ever do come into contact with him. It would make things worse in many, many ways.

All the best to you and her. I'm sorry that people must go through things like this.

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Old 03-05-2002, 01:03 AM   #3
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bonoman, what an awful story. I feel so sorry for your friend... You sure are a generous person to think of moving out with her. Have you asked your parents for advice?

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Old 03-05-2002, 01:19 AM   #4
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I have told my mom. I know i said i wouldnt tell anyone. But i had to get advice from her. My mom said she is welcome at our house but my dad is another story. I dont think i could tell him this. Also if she would move in with me people would ask questions. Thanks for the advice scattoroflight

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Old 03-05-2002, 01:39 AM   #5
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Is there no homestay she can move into (provided by college or something) so that the cost will be cheap? She could move out on her own but you could visit her a whole lot. Would that not suffice? I don't think it is a good idea for you to move out with her because you would then need to get a job to cover the living costs and it could upset your studies. scatter is right about the counselling, I think that would help her, too.


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Old 03-05-2002, 04:11 AM   #6
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Like scatter of said, I'm not the best person to give advice, but I think you should try to remain strong for her and be her support while she makes her choices as to what to do. She has a lot (if she chooses) to try and sift through, both practically and emotionally.

On the practical side of things, if it feels like a bad idea to move in with her then perhaps dont. The added strain of making it work is not what either of you need. She will however need you and possibly quite a lot wherever she ends up living. If you can be prepared to be there for her, it might be enough. Another thing I would consider is obviously it is going to be a very hard road, are you ready to be there 24/7? Im not being callous, but this will be very tough on you as well, you need to look after yourself in order to look after her. I think you might need time alone as well while you get through it.

Ive never been the counselled, only the counselor, but firmly believe it is a good thing. If she wishes to do it, I'd offer a lot of encouragement. This might be way off too, but perhaps for yourself as well. You need someone to talk to too. Maybe for advice, maybe to help you sort your head out. Your anger at the father is completely natural, but you dont want your anger at him to cloud your desire to get her living again.

Before I go on too much, I just want to add that the practical decisions the both of you will have to make would be a good place for you to start the healing. These kind of things not only give confidence, but a sense of security. It can be easier to work on too, as you dont really know where her emotiional recovery will lead; the ups and down, the twists, the turns, the setbacks, the surges forward. Its going to be one very tough time, but it will be mingled with a lot of positives too, as she learns to love herself again.

Bonoman, you are so strong. I wish you both the best. It is so unfair that you have both been put in this situation where you have no choice but to deal with it. I hope she can get to a decision too about what action to take with her father. She is a very brave woman.

Take care.
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Old 03-05-2002, 08:56 AM   #7
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This is one of the saddest things i have read in a long time. I think the important thing for you Bonoman is no matter what happens over the next few months, you have to be there for her. Even if she goes through periods of anguish and is cold to you, if you love her all you can do is be there for her, in whatever way she wants.

I think it primarily is important that she feels safe, and if that is living with you then it is fine, and if not, then help her get somewhere else. Most importantly though long term she will need to try and get over it, get "closure" if you like, and that isn't going to happen if her mum is going and seeing her dad as has been happening. If you inform a social worker in Alberta it is quite likley the police may be involved and he could be prosecuted. This SHOULD happen eventually, but primarily I would be concerned about your friend and to a degree her mother. Who knows what psychological trauma he is doing to her as well?

I would talk to her, and brooch these issues slowly and support her in whatever action she decides. I would also consider "ananomously" discussing these issues (at first anyway) with the Alberta social services, sadly i am sure she is not the only person to have to go through this living hell.

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Old 03-05-2002, 10:18 AM   #8
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Good grief, bonoman, that is incredibly sad. I don't know why or how people can do such evil things.

I understand the desire to kill him. My brother had a friend whose husband was always beating on her. I am ashamed to admit I had murderous thoughts toward him.

But you can't act on those. Besides the obvious con of being thrown in jail for the rest of your life, there are more things wrong with it. You don't want hatred to rule your life like that.

I would start by praying for her. God is able to do things we can't. Consult him and have faith that he'll do something.

Secondly, I would talk to her about turning her father in to the police. That is the best thing that could happen, I think. Convince her to do it.

Why can you tell your Dad and not your mom? If you told your Dad the reason, would he be more likely to let her live with you?

Oh man...I'll pray for her and you.
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Old 03-05-2002, 10:51 AM   #9
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bonoman, as the others have said, what your friend has gone through is too horrible for words. Now the both of you are in such a hard spot. But think about what your friendship has done for her! She's lived with this horrible secret, probably unable to speak to anyone about it. Now she's told you. That was such a *huge* hurdle for her to get over, and she's done it. Know that you've already been a tremendous help to her!

Now you need to help her continue towards healing. Don't let this stop with you. It will be painful, but she needs to work through this, and my guess is you probably aren't the one to help her do that (on your own). This is so big. She does really need to talk to a professional. I think the best thing you can do is help her decide to do that and then help her get in touch with people who can help her.

Have hope! I've never been in a situation like this, but I've been in a place in life where everything seems dark, and there's no light in sight. But I assure you there is hope, and there can be healing, even from this.

I'm praying for you and your friend.

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[This message has been edited by Spiral_Staircase (edited 03-05-2002).]
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Old 03-05-2002, 12:16 PM   #10
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Very sad, bonoman, and she is fortunate to have you for a friend. If you are serious about this relationship, then it might be a good idea for you to both have some counseling because she will have issues with intimacy and trust for sure, and it would be helpful for you to know the many different ways those issues can manifest and how you can help. I will go so far as to say that it will be nearly impossible for her to have a deep, lasting and healthy relationship with a man without counseling--the damage parental sexual abuse creates is very, very deep and insidious--the most basic trust that a human being should have early in life has been violated, yet she is still young enough to heal with professional help and a lot of love. I'm sorry to make it sound so dire, yet I honestly feel that's the reality. One in six women in America is sexually assaulted at some point in her life, and I know many of these women. I know a few men, too. It's just awful.

As far as what should be done about the father...I think the matter is bigger than the both of you and a counselor who is an expert in these matters would really help.

You both are very brave. I wish you all the best.

[This message has been edited by joyfulgirl (edited 03-05-2002).]
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Old 03-05-2002, 12:29 PM   #11
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Also, there is a wonderful organization called RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) founded by Tori Amos, who was raped at gunpoint by a fan. Here's what the website advises:

Quote:
How can I help a friend who has been sexually assaulted?

Listen. Be there. Don't be judgmental.
Be patient. Remember, it will take your friend some time to deal with the crime.
Let your friend know that professional help is available through RAINN's hotline. Encourage him or her to call the hotline, but realize that only your friend can make the decision to get help.
So if going to a professional is too scary for her, she can call the hotline and receive free, confidential help 24/7. The website address is www.rainn.org and the phone number is 1.800.656.HOPE, extension one.


[This message has been edited by joyfulgirl (edited 03-05-2002).]
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Old 03-05-2002, 12:48 PM   #12
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What an awful story.
As most have metioned, she sjould seek some professional help. Its great she confided in you, its a first step to coming to grips with this, and she seems strong, not wanting to take her parents' money etc.
But she'll likely need to talk to someone who has had similar experiences, and usually the only way to do so is through a crisis center or perhaps some sort of group counselling.
Nobody should ever have to go through what she has endured, but sadly many others have, and she can get advice and help from others who know first hand what she has experienced.
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Old 03-05-2002, 06:18 PM   #13
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Thank you all.

Your advice is what i need right now. I have been out of my head for the last few days.

You are right she is strong. But at the same time she is so fragile. She has never let anyone into her inner self. She has had boyfriends but none very long lasting. I think your right when you say she has commitment issues.

Joyful, thanks for the site. I found it last night as i sat up a good part of the night looking on the internet for advice. It is a great site.

The biggest thing for her is she is so scared of hurting her whole family. She knows if this ever came out her whole family would be split.

So many sceneios have gone through my head i dont know what to do. I will see her tonight most likely.

I did tell her i want to go to counseling with her. I offered to pay if she didnt want her parents to find out. She said she doesnt think they help. The truth is i never really was much on counselling. But after this i would give it a try in a second.

Thanks 80's, God has been a big help in these last few days. I know you'll be there for me.

Thank you all. I will keep you posted.

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Old 03-05-2002, 06:27 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by 80sU2isBest:

Why can you tell your Dad and not your mom? If you told your Dad the reason, would he be more likely to let her live with you?

Its not my Mom i cant tell its my Dad. Well its not like he wouldnt understand but i would be afraid he would do something. I am afraid he would go to the cops or maybe go to him. My dad is a very proud man and when he hears stuff like that he can lose his temper. Also i am not the closest to my dad.

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Old 03-06-2002, 12:22 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by bonoman:
I did tell her i want to go to counseling with her. I offered to pay if she didnt want her parents to find out. She said she doesnt think they help. The truth is i never really was much on counselling. But after this i would give it a try in a second.
You have to tell her that they WILL help. She obviously trusts you. One of my best friends went through this with her step-grandfather. Despite still having some problems, the counseling has helped so much.

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