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Old 09-26-2005, 07:40 PM   #46
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Originally posted by BonoVoxSupastar


There are extremes on both, we all know that.

I just don't think the left has the paranoia the right does, I don't think the left uses the word "conservative" as a bad word as much as the right has turned liberal into one, just look at Bush's campaign speeches.
I agree, liberal has become a dirty word while Bush still tries desperately to convince people he's a conservative.

melon, that's funny because I was just imagining what the liberal version of that book would be.
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Old 09-26-2005, 07:56 PM   #47
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Part 3:

The next day, Tommy and Lou approached Mrs. Camden's house with the police and a court order.

"But you can't do this! This is MY property," Mrs. Camden cried.

"Eminent domain, ma'am," the police replied. "These boys will contribute to the local treasury, while all you do leach off of our hard earned wages and get diabetes supplies through the mail and bill it to Medicare. Who cares about you?!"

Mrs. Camden was handed $800 and told to leave the boys alone.

"I told you she would pay for ignoring our original offer," Lou laughed.

"I don't feel so good about this, though. Isn't 'eminent domain' librul?"

"Nonsense, Tommy! It's only 'librul' if Ted Kennedy does it. And we're not Ted Kennedy, right?"

"You're right, Lou. We're good patriots, unlike that terrorist sympathizer communist, Ted Kennedy."

In the meantime, their Lemonade Stand had not operated in over a week, and many of their former customers had now discovered the Lemonade Stand that was formerly across the street and now next door to them.

"A nickel? How are we supposed to operate with such highway robbery?"

"We need to first reestablish our business, Lou. And then we can start a marketing campaign." So they spend $10,000 to build a shiny new Lemonade Stand with neon lights, and, to offset the expenses, started adding water to their lemonade substitute. The next day, they approached an advertising agency and hired them for $900,000 to create a glitzy campaign with Paris Hilton as their spokesperson. Tommy and Lou watched it with excitement, but Tommy looked puzzled.

"Lou, why isn't Paris Hilton drinking our lemonade?"

"Because she's taking a bath with it, stupid."

(To be continued...)

Melon
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Old 09-26-2005, 08:07 PM   #48
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well, in all seriousness, how is what melon's writing any different from this book? (aside from the fact that melon's book wouldn't make it to no. 44 on amazon.) the only difference is that a lot of people here would agree with his view.
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Old 09-26-2005, 08:20 PM   #49
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well, in all seriousness, how is what melon's writing any different from this book? (aside from the fact that melon's book wouldn't make it to no. 44 on amazon.) the only difference is that a lot of people here would agree with his view.
The difference: Melon's is being read by adults not marketed to "security moms".

How come we can't see the difference here?
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Old 09-26-2005, 08:23 PM   #50
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Oh I know. What I'm saying is melon is jokingly writing a kid's book using the same format but casting conservatives as the bad guys. If this book was actually put on the market, would you honestly be as upset?
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Old 09-26-2005, 08:25 PM   #51
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If this book was actually put on the market, would you honestly be as upset?
Um, yes. If marketed as a children's book? Of course.
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Old 09-26-2005, 08:34 PM   #52
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Part 4:

The ad campaign worked to bring in all kinds of new customers, where they raked in $2000 on the first day. The boys were excited and dreamed about all the things they could do with their hard earned money.

The next day, however, they were shocked to see the neighboring Lemonade Stand already open for business.

"They're taking away all of our customers!"

"Don't they ever sleep? It's 12 fricken o'clock!"

"That's it, Tommy. We need to get our friends to help out, so we can be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week!" Tommy and Lou crossed the street again to their friends, Adam and Steve.

"Adam, we need your help. We work the Lemonade Stand from noon to 5 pm and we need you and Steve to work it from 5 pm through noon on the next day."

"What are you going to pay us if we do?" Steve replied.

"Pay? What do you think we are...made of money?"

Tommy responded to Lou, "We can part with some money. We've been blessed." He then turned to Adam and Steve. "How about 25 cents a day?" Adam and Steve laughed in their faces.

"I make $5 an hour mowing the lawn."

"Fine, you ingrates. We'll find someone who appreciates our fine business!" Tommy and Lou angrily walked away. "How DARE they reject our offer? What's wrong with this country?"

Tommy looked at the money in his pocket, which now less than $100,000.

"Damn taxes. Eating up all of our profits!"

"I agree with you, Lou. The government is stealing all of our hard earned money. How are we supposed to pay back the loan with all these taxes eating up our money?"

The boys rushed back to City Hall, where both the secretary and the Mayor knew the boys on a first name basis.

"Tommy...Lou...what can I do for you today?"

"These TAXES are insane, Mayor. How are we supposed to do business in this socialist environment?"

Lou added angrily, "Mayor, if you don't give us a tax abatement, we might have to approach the mayor in the next city over and relocate our business over there. Would you like that?"

"No, of course not. We can give you a tax abatement for the next ten years, but you still have to pay state and federal taxes."

"Communists!"

"I'm sorry, boys. If you want to lower your taxes, you'll have to lobby the state and federal Congress to lower those taxes."

"Thank you, Mayor," Tommy said. "We'll keep this knowledge in mind." Lou left, fretting.

"We need to 'lobby' the state and federal government to lower our taxes or we'll go out of business."

"And then the terrorists will win," Tommy frowned. Lou pulled out a bunch of papers.

"And now the bank wants us to make our first payment. We don't have the money!" They went over to the bank to ask for another loan, but the bank laughed in their faces. But, luckily for them, a member of the local Chamber of Commerce just happened to be finishing his loan and striked up a conversation with the boys.

"Those liberals are driving you out of business with those high taxes that only Joseph Stalin and maybe Mao Tse-tung could love," the chamber member said. "But don't fret. We're here to help."

Tommy and Lou followed him to the local Chamber of Commerce, where they were having a meeting. The head of the Chamber took a liking to them.

"Boys, we're here to help. Things like minimum wages, health insurance, worker's compensation, and labor laws...all of them were created by Satan, whose minions, the 'Libruls,' were sent up from hell to destroy us true believers in Christ." Tommy recognized the head of the Chamber of Commerce. It was Rev. Chet Martin from his church!

"A house of God cannot survive with taxes. That is why Jesus created something we call 'tax exemption.' As such, my $35 million Christian complex can serve many consumers...I mean, 'believers'...that would otherwise never be saved if we had to pay taxes to Satan."

"I understand everything now," Lou said. "So it is our Christian duty to not pay taxes, which fuel the power of Satan?"

"My boys, you are smart. By the way, how much revenue have you brought in this year?"

"$1 million. From our operating loan."

"Excellent. So I assume you have your 10% tithe to give me to prevent yourself from going to hell?"

"What?! We only have about $70,000 left!" Rev. Chet hastily took the money.

"Consider it a down payment," Rev. Chet said. "Jesus should prevent you from being homeless now, but you'll still go to hell unless you come up with the other $30,000. Are you willing to risk eternal damnation and hellfire?"

"Oh no!" Lou cried. "Tommy, we need to come up with $30,000 or we're going to hell!"

(To be continued...)

Melon
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Old 09-26-2005, 09:20 PM   #53
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Part 5:

"Get a hold of yourself, Lou. We need to get our business back and running, so we can make $30,000 and be saved!" The boys had a lot left to do. They had to save their Lemonade Stand from illegal immigrants and the evil "Libruls" bent on sending the world into the depths of hell.

Tommy and Lou asked all around their neighborhood to find people who would be willing to work their stand. All laughed in their faces. The Chamber of Commerce and Rev. Chet, however, did not abandon them.

"Boys, fear not. There are many companies in God's country that are in the same situation as you. That's why we successfully petitioned the federal government to allow for migrant workers to come and run your Lemonade Stand."

"You mean we're going to have illegal immigrants working our Lemonade Stand?" Tommy replied to Rev. Chet.

"Nonsense, Tommy. Have you been watching CNN? The Libruls are always on guard to corrupt young minds and bring you over to the side of Satan. No, migrant workers are a perfectly legal way to bring in laborers to perform jobs that Libruls are too pampered to perform. And the best part is? You can pay them a quarter a day working 12 hours a day, seven days a week and they will live like kings!"

"Golly, Rev. Chet. That's a great idea! How can we get migrant workers of our own?" Lou inquired.

"Fear not, my children of God. I have instructed that four migrant workers be sent to your stand right away. In fact, they are already there!"

Tommy, Lou and Rev. Chet rushed over to the stand, where the migrant workers were already making and selling lemonade.

"Praise Jesus! We're back in business!" Tommy and Lou cried with joy.

"But you forget, boys. You may be making enough to pay your migrant labor, but there is still the issue of the $30,000. But, rest assured, I still have one more piece of advice for you: if you get a group of investors together, you can form a corporation and franchise out all across God's country."

"And we'll be able to make the $30,000 and prevent ourselves from going to hell?"

"Yes, boys. Not only that, but the money that the investors contribute can also help you pay off the bank loan you have. With Jesus, all is possible, my children!"

(To be continued...)

Melon
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Old 09-26-2005, 09:25 PM   #54
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Okay...I'll finish this later.

And before anyone gets offended, remind yourselves of the "South Park conservatives." A lot of this plays like an episode of South Park would play out, parody and all. I am purposely cracking out all the stereotypes possible, and it is purposely way over the top. Maybe then you'll see why it is silly to write a children's book with political leanings.

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Old 09-27-2005, 02:10 AM   #55
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...simple text, readers can follow along with Tommy and Lou as they open a lemonade stand to earn money for a swing set
Sounds pretty gay to me


Shouldn't they be playing football?



: offbeatsarcasm :
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Old 09-27-2005, 02:13 AM   #56
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nevermind


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Old 09-27-2005, 03:55 AM   #57
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Wow, good times guys! I'm 'down' with the program!
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Old 09-27-2005, 09:55 AM   #58
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Melon: rock on with your bad self.

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Old 09-27-2005, 11:04 AM   #59
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oh, and lest you think this is limited to just one silly book ... come meet Russell, the Cat.

of course, Russell is also a Republican ...

http://www.russellrepublican.com/index.html
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Old 09-27-2005, 02:21 PM   #60
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oh, and lest you think this is limited to just one silly book ... come meet Russell, the Cat.

of course, Russell is also a Republican ...

http://www.russellrepublican.com/index.html
Naturally. Cats are stand-offish, will like you one minute and spurn you the next, and only come to you when they really need something.

Dogs, on the other hand, wear their hearts on their sleeves, make lots of noise, and let you know when they love you.
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