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Old 07-10-2006, 04:17 PM   #1
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Fred Who?

You know how so many people have those obits now that read like resumes, and go on and on about how great they were?

This is a real obit that appeared in the Richmond Times Dispatch yesterday

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark


Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left. His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"

I posted this here because

A It makes some politically related points

B It's food for thought

C I think it's hilarious and this place could use some of that

Would you want an obit like this? I think it's great
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Old 07-10-2006, 04:21 PM   #2
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Old 07-10-2006, 06:05 PM   #3
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Go out with a bang instead of a bland whisper.

Great stuff.
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Old 07-10-2006, 06:35 PM   #4
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That is the way to do it!! Have an awesome afterlife Fred!!!

I am surely going to go have a cold one in your honour!!
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Old 07-10-2006, 08:07 PM   #5
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I trust the obituary was written by Fred, or by someone who understood and appreciated his sense of humor. Perhaps it was written to see if anyone actually reads the obits?
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Old 07-11-2006, 12:38 AM   #6
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Hahaha that's classic!

I can think of a couple of people in these parts who could have written it lol.
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Old 07-11-2006, 01:09 AM   #7
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well generally the who ever places the obituary in the paper is the one to pay for it, and usually it's charged per word, or something like that.

That was hilarious

I loved this part:
During his life he excelled at mediocrity
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Old 07-11-2006, 07:10 AM   #8
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Somehow this reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson. Wasn't his fitting end being fired out of a cannon?
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Old 07-11-2006, 07:18 AM   #9
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People often say to not mourn when they're gone, but have a happy send off and remember good times. Fred actually meant it, it seems.

I'd love an obit like this. And will sadly probably end up with one. I cant imagine anyone officiating my send off being a good enough actor/liar to convince the world of my charming sense of duty, loyalty, patience, good graces, etc.



Good work, Fred.
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