Do you ever grieve over things you've done in the past?

[80sU2isBest]

Think about a time in your past, whether recent or distant, in which you did things or behaved in such a way that you are ashamed of yourself. Now, do you ever stop and think about that time period and grieve that you wasted that time being that way?

When I was 22 and 23, I made some very costly mistakes and sinned some big sins. The ramifications of my actions were enormous. I screwed up royally. I was such a weak blob of jelly back then, and that is what contributed to most of my behavior.

Sometimes I look back to that time 17 years ago with deep regret and sorrow. I know I'm forgiven, but it still gets to me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, oooweeeee, it gets me.

 

[Earnie Shavers]

Unfortunately, don't have to look too far. The last 48hrs have been rather rough.

 

[redhotswami]

Usually ever night, before bed, I tend to think of how I would've done things differently. Not a happy way to end the day, as I usually end up slapping my forehead many times.

Even scarier is during the day, I could be doing whatever activity, and then randomly something I'm ashamed of in the past (which is usually completely unrelated to the activity I was doing at the time) will pop up and trouble me.

I guess I have a hard time of letting things go. I tend to pick at scabs, both emotional and physical.

 

[U2DMfan]

My answer would be at least every 24 hours or so.

 

[BonosSaint]

A handful of things when it is somebody I care about and different actions of mine could have had different consequences.
When I could have been more caring. So there are some things that haunt me.

Other than that a few uncomfortable twinges now and again. I don't dwell on the past very much. It took a long time to work out my guilt feelings. I monitor my behavior so I'm aware of it and its consequences and I will try to undo any damage I've done. But on a whole, I don't find guilt very productive except as a learning tool. Other than some character flaws, I don't carry any shame or guilt for anything I did that didn't harm anybody else.

I'm usually sorrier for the things I haven't done than the things I have.

 

[najeena]

Sure, those that don't are either blessed or cursed, I'm not sure which. Ideally we should be mindful of the lessons of the past while letting go of the particulars. But who can?

 

[OceanGirl]

Usually ever night, before bed, I tend to think of how I would've done things differently. Not a happy way to end the day, as I usually end up slapping my forehead many times.

Even scarier is during the day, I could be doing whatever activity, and then randomly something I'm ashamed of in the past (which is usually completely unrelated to the activity I was doing at the time) will pop up and trouble me.

I can totally relate to this. I do exactly the same thing! It's awful, isn't it?

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Yes, but the best thing to do is to turn that grief and regret into something positive-learn from mistakes and become a better person because of them. The only reason to truly grieve is if you are completely lacking in self-awareness and haven't learned anything from mistakes. And when we hurt others, we should do our best to make amends.

 

[80sU2isBest]

Even scarier is during the day, I could be doing whatever activity, and then randomly something I'm ashamed of in the past (which is usually completely unrelated to the activity I was doing at the time) will pop up and trouble me.

Same thing happens to me, but it's always this one issue.

 

[Irvine511]

you know what's weird? the big mistakes i've made in my life, i don't grieve over. i also tend to agonize over every major decision, and thoroughly think things through, so that when all is said and done, even if it turns out to have been the wrong decision, i know exactly why i made that decision and can point to specific rationale as justification.

however, it's the little things that i agonize over. a thoughtless comment, some social malapropism, unwitting rudeness, or thinking back to childhood when perhaps you did things out of fear of social ostracism that you now regret. it's all emotional stuff that kills me, not the life decisions that seem to have more to do with intellect and reason.

but that's just me.



but, yes, i do know the agony, and i do know the sleepless nights wishing you could go back and change things. and sometimes you can. you can apologize, but more importantly, you can atone.

80s, have you ever read Atonement by Ian McEwen?

it was, hands down, one of the very best books i've read in the past 5 years, and it gets at much of what you're talking about. it's gorgeously written, i actually cried at the end of it, and it's important to note that the title of the book isn't Apology but Atonement.

i found it an astonishing read.

 

[80sU2isBest]

however, it's the little things that i agonize over. a thoughtless comment, some social malapropism, unwitting rudeness, or thinking back to childhood when perhaps you did things out of fear of social ostracism that you now regret.

I can relate to that, also. When I was a child I yelled at someone "you're ugly". I regret that to this day.

but, yes, i do know the agony, and i do know the sleepless nights wishing you could go back and change things. and sometimes you can. you can apologize, but more importantly, you can atone.

The situation I was involved in was very complicated. The main other party initially did hurtful things to me, but I am every bit as much to blame as her, because were it not for my own weakness and immaturity, I never would have been in the situation in the first place. And once I was in the situation, my own weakness, stupidity, selfishness and immaturity had me responding in ways that amplified the horrible ramifications. Things got so much worse.

She hated my guts at one point, and probably still does. I don't even know where this person lives anymore. I definitely don't want her back in my life, either. But I hope she has changed, as I have, and realizes that I never intended to hurt anyone.

The other main person involved in all of this passed on and is now with God. I know that person would forgive me.

But more people were hurt by this thing. As for them, time has healed those wounds and all is forgiven.

80s, have you ever read Atonement by Ian McEwen?

it was, hands down, one of the very best books i've read in the past 5 years, and it gets at much of what you're talking about. it's gorgeously written, i actually cried at the end of it, and it's important to note that the title of the book isn't Apology but Atonement.

i found it an astonishing read.

I have never heard of it, but it certainly sounds good, from the review I read. I may go check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.

On a personal note, I just wanted to say that I am much happier with FYM this time around than I was before I left. I think most of that is because you and I aren't having a war. I like these kinds of conversations better.

 

[fly so high!]

I don't think i would say grieve...but i definately look back on certain things and i blush or get angry at myself....but this is something everyone does, i would'nt beat myself up about it

 

[Illumination70]

You bet I mourn the past because socalled adults who tend to hold mistakes over one's head and never let the individual forget about it.

 

[Justin24]

I regret the thought of Killing my self a few years ago. And before that when I was 14 years old.

 

[Liesje]

I'm not ashamed of my past, per se, because what's missing was sort of out of my control, but yes there is one thing I regret every single day of my life. I love gymnastics more than anything (well, not certain people, but you know what I mean). I miss training like I did in high school and everyday I wish I could've got off to a better start because I would've gone so much farther. My parents could never afford for us to play sports unless it was free at the rec department so I didn't start until I could pay for my own classes. I know it sounds dumb, but everyday I miss tumbling and even miss the torn skin and bloody hands against the bars, falling on my ass, doing 500 sit-ups...... For years it was all I cared about because it's so easy to love a sport because it can never hurt you or be dishonest, it's just YOU and your own weak mind and weak self. Since college, I've entered reality and have better relationships, but shit I would probably go back if I could...I miss being able to FLY!

 

[cell]

2-3 years ago when i was going thru some very dark times. i did things that were out of character for me. it fees like there's no forgiveness for me on this. always in the back of my mind.

 

[Irvine511]

I can relate to that, also. When I was a child I yelled at someone "you're ugly". I regret that to this day.

i was the kind of kid who got along with almost everybody, but for a while, didn't have many close friends. many of the "uncool/weird/misfit" kids would befriend me, and i would be fine with it and actually like hanging out with them at different points, but the second i by association became "uncool/weird/misfit" as denoted by the popuar/cool kids, i would drop the weird kid at the drop of a hat because i was so worried about my own coolness/popularity.

i wish i had been a stronger child and stood up to that kind of social pressure. that really haunts me to this day.



[q]She hated my guts at one point, and probably still does. I don't even know where this person lives anymore. I definitely don't want her back in my life, either. But I hope she has changed, as I have, and realizes that I never intended to hurt anyone.[/q]

not that i know the specifics of your situation at all, but based on my own experiences, i can offer these two observations:

1. no one spends as much time thinking about you and what you did as much as you do; everyone else is too busy thinking about themselvs and agonizing over themselves as much as you agonize over yourself

2. we often sell people short and don't give them enough credit and assume that they are thinking the worst, and in a rather one-dimensional way, when most people are capable of seeing many sides of a situation and understanding what happened in as complex a manner as you do. i know i do this.

On a personal note, I just wanted to say that I am much happier with FYM this time around than I was before I left. I think most of that is because you and I aren't having a war. I like these kinds of conversations better.

i agree. it is more pleasant now that we're both calmer. these are nice conversations.

 

[Liesje]

On a personal note, I just wanted to say that I am much happier with FYM this time around than I was before I left. I think most of that is because you and I aren't having a war. I like these kinds of conversations better.

I was wondering where you went, welcome back!

Now, where is Doug/nbcrusader? He hasn't posted in forever

 

[Bono'sTyee]

I think for the things that were out of my control tend to haunt me...like my parents divorce and all the things involved in that. And I'm not so much angry at the person but what they did. And the only consoling thing I can think of is that what they did can keep eating at me until I'm defeated or I can just say to myself that it wasn't my fault and just keep on keeping on.

 

[VertigoGal]

I agonize over little things that I've said to people, if I've hurt them without meaning to, if something came out wrong and I'm wondering how they took it, what they must think of me. I can't think of any big things off the top off my head because I'm young and haven't fucked up too badly yet, but every single night I regret not being a better, more appreciative, more loving person.

 

[anitram]

Honestly if I look back on the mistakes I've made, they've all been personal ones that have held me back or postponed me doing something I've wanted to do, but thankfully none of them have really impacted other people in a hurtful way. The closest one I can think of is when I decided to do a post-grad program and then after a year, left it for a really good job. I knew at the time I didn't want to continue on studying in that field or getting a PhD like I'd originally considered. My parents were paying for the tuition so I feel bad that they threw those thousands away, although they've always insisted none of the kids pay them back for school.

Mistakes are easier when you're the only one who's been damaged by them, I think.

I don't dwell over anything, however. Life is short, we can still do so many things and to live in the past or concentrate too much on the past means to surrender some of your present time to it. Not particularly my cup of tea.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I agonize over little things that I've said to people, if I've hurt them without meaning to, if something came out wrong and I'm wondering how they took it, what they must think of me. I can't think of any big things off the top off my head because I'm young and haven't fucked up too badly yet, but every single night I regret not being a better, more appreciative, more loving person.

But the fact that you agonize means that you ARE a better, more loving person. So many people say and do things and don't ever think twice about them. In life, on message boards-wherever, whenever. Especially since you're so young, I admire that you are that way- very much. I think it will help you when you get older- just don't beat yourself up too much and give yourself credit for being who you are. I hope every night when you have regrets, that you also think of at least one good thing about yourself.

And btw, I think nbc has left here for good. Whatever his reasons are, I hope he's doing well.

 

[dazzlingamy]

When i was younger I used to agonise for ages of things I did or didn't do wondering 'what if?' all the time or 'i wish i didn't' and i realised it was screwing me up, making me feel like I was missing out or mucking up, and one day it hit me, things happen for a reason, we learn from everything we do, and people get over things you do to them, as you get over things people do to you. Things that rock your world and make you question everything and just stones in the ocean rolling away. Thats all.

I live my life without regret and it rocks.

 

[Dreadsox]

Think about a time in your past, whether recent or distant, in which you did things or behaved in such a way that you are ashamed of yourself. Now, do you ever stop and think about that time period and grieve that you wasted that time being that way?

When I was 22 and 23, I made some very costly mistakes and sinned some big sins. The ramifications of my actions were enormous. I screwed up royally. I was such a weak blob of jelly back then, and that is what contributed to most of my behavior.

Sometimes I look back to that time 17 years ago with deep regret and sorrow. I know I'm forgiven, but it still gets to me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, oooweeeee, it gets me.

I have only one decision in my life that will gnaw at me forever. I broke contact with an abusive parent as did my sister. She recently rekindled the relationship with the parent, and I have not. I think the last month has been tough on me because I am now alone in my decision.

 

[najeena]

You followed your heart and your conscience, Dread. Maybe you can look at those personal guides as company in making what was, for you, the best decision.

 

[VertigoGal]

thanks mrs. s.

 

[VertigoGal]

dread

I can only imagine how you struggle with that decision...but you have no need to feel badly about yourself for making it, if it's what's right for you. I know it's not that simple.

 

[maycocksean]

I'm not ashamed of my past, per se, because what's missing was sort of out of my control, but yes there is one thing I regret every single day of my life. I love gymnastics more than anything (well, not certain people, but you know what I mean). I miss training like I did in high school and everyday I wish I could've got off to a better start because I would've gone so much farther. My parents could never afford for us to play sports unless it was free at the rec department so I didn't start until I could pay for my own classes. I know it sounds dumb, but everyday I miss tumbling and even miss the torn skin and bloody hands against the bars, falling on my ass, doing 500 sit-ups...... For years it was all I cared about because it's so easy to love a sport because it can never hurt you or be dishonest, it's just YOU and your own weak mind and weak self. Since college, I've entered reality and have better relationships, but shit I would probably go back if I could...I miss being able to FLY!

Lies, I'm going to share this story with my wife. Her story is very similar to yours and I know she can relate. She was a gymnast for about 10 or 12 years, and near the end was able to compete in sports acrobatics at the pro level. She had to quit suddenly, and she still regrets it to this day. It's hard for her to talk about because so few people relate to what gymnastics meant to her and what it cost her to lose it.

 

[maycocksean]

Great thread, 80s. It's nice to have threads like these in FYM every now and again where we can take off the "battle armor" for a little bit and be reminded that we are all in this thing we call life together.

Unfortunately most of my regrets are recorded forever. I've been keeping a pen and paper journal since I was 11 (40 notebooks full so far) and believe me there are some entries--some whole volumes-- that I just cringe to read.

I don't regret a whole lot of stuff that I did, as far as bad things, I don't think. There are things that I did that I'm still EMBARASSED by. . .times when I just showed a total lack of dignity or self respect. I still feel a hot blush of shame every time I think about those things. I regret not having the courage to do more to persue my dreams, to really try to do what I love. The result is that I'm in a profession that I'm not truly passionate about. And yet, even that I don't really regret, because my choices brought me here to Saipan, and I feel really happy about the life that I've lived and am living. I feel very blessed.

There are things that I've done that I feel like I should regret, but for some reason I just don't. Not sure what to make of that!

Sorry to hear nbc isn't going to be around anymore. I'll miss him.
I really value the "conservative voices" on FYM, even if I often disagree with them. They provide a different perspective, keep everyone intellectually sharp, and prevent the forum becoming a mutual admiration society and arena for self-congratulation.

 

[Maggie1]

I think about a lot of things in my past of which I am very ashamed and wish I had not done. Sometimes these thoughts can ruin my day. I was at a flea market with my sister last weekend and we were having a great time and all the sudden I began to be haunted by thoughts from my past and I started getting a little depressed. It was as if I was feeling like I did'nt deserve to have a good time. I try to tell myself that we all have done things that make us feel ashamed and I should use those experiences as a learning tool but the memories will always remain.
I try to tell my niece to think very carefully about what she says and does because once its done you can't take it back.