Anthony, you have my deepest sympathies. I cannot even fathom what you must be going through, but, in time, I hope things get better.
On death, perhaps it was my fairly stoic upbringing, but I do not see it in an incredibly morbid manner. Death is the natural cycle of life; of birth to death. It is something, perhaps regrettably but still reality, that we will all know one day or another. The variables, of course, are when and how.
Why death and not immediate eternal life? I will not be so idiotic to bring up something like original sin, whereas "death" is a punishment for something the first humans did thousands upon thousands of years ago that we must be punished for. On the contrary, the question must be asked if "death" is a punishment whatsoever. But to answer the meaning of "death" inevitably cannot be answered until the meaning of "life."
And what is life? Is it a not-so-simple combination of chemicals and electric pulses or a temporary residence for a divine soul? My own beliefs and my own experiences make me believe in the latter, and, as such, I don't blame or hate God for death. Inasmuch as I've studied science and genetics, in fact, I've learned how fragile the human condition truly is. How one gene can mean the difference between "normal" and cancerous. How chaotic going from a sperm and an egg to a human really is. How, in early stages of fetal growth, we are nearly identical to several different species of mammals looks-wise. And all I really thought, after seeing all this, was how improbable life really seems to be at times. And just how lucky I feel to have known it.
Death, in too many ways, seems to be that anticlimactic ending to the plans we had set. But, like much anything else, it is inevitable. Like life, death is a lesson in itself. Without knowing sadness, could one identify happiness? Could this, perhaps, be a lesson you must learn yourself? And it is a question that few of us can answer; a question that cannot really be answered without learning the meaning of "life" itself.
Anyway, I really hope that you don't take any of this as "insensitive." I just wrote this, perhaps, because you have reminded me a lot of myself at times, and I know that, in the most oddest of ways, a message like this would comfort me. If I am wrong and have made things worse, then I apologize and please disregard all I have written.
Take care...
Melon
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"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time
