Bush To Debate Geena Davis

[MrsSpringsteen]

By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 11:09 a.m. ET Nov. 1, 2005

Nov. 1, 2005 - "Commander in Chief" is one of the biggest hits of the fall TV season, but not with President George W. Bush, who today challenged its star, Geena Davis, to a nationally televised debate.

Davis, who plays the first female president of the United States in the series, has seen her ratings rise while Bush's approval ratings have plummeted, apparently drawing the ire of the actual president.

"The president is obsessed with Geena Davis," one White House aide said today. "The other day in a cabinet meeting he pounded his fist on the table and said, 'I'm not going to be outdone by a fake girl president.'"

The aide added, "It drives him nuts that she doesn't have problems like Scooter to deal with."

According to Bush's challenge, issued today, he and Davis would square off in three nationally televised debates on the subjects of economics, domestic policy and foreign policy.

"Her writers can write her a script, and mine will write me a script," the president said. "May the best script win."

But Davis appeared to decline the president's request today, issuing a statement through a network spokesman indicating that she could not participate because she has "important work to do."

Attempting to change her mind, Bush said today he was willing to debate the fictitious president on a complete range of fictitious issues, such as Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction.

Elsewhere, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan said that he would step down in 2006, saying that he wanted to spend more time making indecipherable remarks to his family.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 5:27 p.m. ET Oct. 11, 2005

Oct. 11, 2005 - Still smarting from criticism of his nomination of Harriet Miers to the United States Supreme Court, President George W. Bush today nominated a man he described as "a guy I met at the mall" to succeed Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan.

At a White House ceremony, a beaming President Bush stood at the side of the guy he met at the mall and explained how he came to choose a total unknown to replace Greenspan, who has served at the Fed since 1987.

Bush said that the two men met while they were waiting in line at a David's Cookies store: "I was very impressed with the way he counted his change, and I am confident he will bring that same understanding of money to his new role as head of the Federal Reserve."

While the president said he did not yet know the name of the guy he met at the mall, he added, "All of that will come out during the confirmation process."

After being accused of cronyism in the nomination of Miers, the president may be trying to blunt such criticism by nominating someone he barely knows to run the Fed, some in Washington believe.

But Davis Logsdon, a political science professor at the University of Minnesota, has a different theory about Bush's recent appointments: "He may be surrounding himself with lousy people in the hopes that he'll be graded on a curve."

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 12:04 p.m. ET Oct. 4, 2005

Oct. 4, 2005 - One day after nominating a non-judge, Harriet Miers, to the United States Supreme Court, President George W. Bush presented his nominee with a book entitled "Judging for Dummies" which he said would provide her with "a crash course in judging."

The book, which includes definitions of such basic judging terms as "docket" and "gavel," will be invaluable in preparing Miers to serve on the highest court in the land, the president said.

While nominating someone with no judging experience on her resume to the Supreme Court raised eyebrows in some legal circles, Bush told reporters that although Miers had no experience as a judge, she had decades of experience as a crony.

"People make up half the stuff on their resumes anyway," Bush said. "Look at poor old Brownie," referring to former FEMA director Michael D. Brown.

Saying that "experience is overrated," the president noted, "I never served in the military, and I've invaded two countries—you learn by doing."

Bush expressed confidence that his nominee was a quick study, adding, "If you're looking for judging experience, I can think of no better on-the-job training than serving on the United States Supreme Court."

For her part, Miers said that she had begun reading "Judging for Dummies" and was already getting up to speed for her new job: "The 'v' in legal cases is short for 'versus.'"

Elsewhere, NBC announced today that it would begin broadcasting a new spin-off of its hit "Law and Order" series entitled "Law and Order: Special Tom DeLay Unit."

 

[Scarletwine]

I think she would win hands down.

Thanks for the laugh Mrs S

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I think she would win too I love that show

 

[hiphop]

By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek

"The other day in a cabinet meeting he pounded his fist on the table and said, 'I'm not going to be outdone by a fake girl president.'"

But Davis appeared to decline the president's request today, issuing a statement through a network spokesman indicating that she could not participate because she has "important work to do."

Bush said that the two men met while they were waiting in line at a David's Cookies store: "I was very impressed with the way he counted his change, and I am confident he will bring that same understanding of money to his new role as head of the Federal Reserve."

While the president said he did not yet know the name of the guy he met at the mall..

 

[hiphop]

and the details, the details on second read... adding, "If you're looking for judging experience, I can think of no better on-the-job training than serving on the United States Supreme Court."

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

by Andy Borowitz

BARBARA BUSH SAYS ‘THINGS ARE WORKING WELL’ FOR SON

Offers Upbeat Appraisal on ‘Larry King Live’

In a joint appearance on CNN’s “Larry King Live” with her husband, former President George H.W. Bush, former First Lady Barbara Bush offered a strikingly upbeat appraisal of the situation her son, President George W. Bush, finds himself in, telling Mr. King, “Things are working well for him.”

Speaking of her son’s plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the indictment of vice presidential aide I. Lewis Libby, Mrs. Bush seemed completely unconcerned, telling Mr. King, “His numbers were already in the toilet anyway.”

Mrs. Bush also offered words of encouragement to Mr. Libby himself, saying that in spite of being indicted on five counts relating to the outing of a CIA agent, “Things are working well for him.”

Even if he goes to prison, Mrs. Bush said, “He’ll be getting three square meals a day, and he won’t have to worry about Dick Cheney always stealing food from his plate.”

Attempting to change the subject, Mr. King asked the former president how he felt about the ongoing trial of his former nemesis, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein, but before he could respond, Mrs. Bush interrupted.

“Things are working well for him,” she said, adding that from what she could tell, the former dictator had lost a significant amount of weight and “he has never looked sexier.”

Moments later, the former president was seen crawling across the floor of Mr. King’s studio, unplugging a cable and plunging the broadcast into darkness.

Elsewhere, the networks scored big ratings with Halloween-themed programming, including an appearance on “60 Minutes” by Camilla Parker-Bowles.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

 

[nbcrusader]

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I thought you were diamond, but the post didn't say how sexy Dubya is

 

[Muggsy]

I think she would win too I love that show

I can't wait to watch that show... it sucks to have the latin network and watch all the tv shows one or two seasons late