Ask The Old Married Guy

[Diane L]

Happy anniversary!

 

[financeguy]

NBC, do you ever see Christianity being reunited? Do you agree with moves towards ecumenism?

Congrats on reaching the big 15!

 

[nbcrusader]

NBC, do you ever see Christianity being reunited? Do you agree with moves towards ecumenism?

Yes, Christianity will be fully reunited. It will take place when Christ returns.

Schisms in the Church have occurred since day 1. I doubt we can fix what was torn apart.

Moves toward ecumenism are nice, but if carefully read show a series of surface level moves toward unity without repudiation of underlying beliefs that maintain the schisms.

 

[earthshell]

does your wife have a mating call?

 

[nbcrusader]

does your wife have a mating call?

I guess she does, but I never let it go so long that she needs to use it......

 

[stammer476]

What type of church do you attend?

What got you interested in that church?

 

[angel_of_L.A.]

Congratulations!

So, what *is* the mysterious distance between a man and a woman and how do you measure it?

 

[nbcrusader]

What type of church do you attend?

What got you interested in that church?

I am currently an elder at St. Andrews Presbyterian Church.

We've attended St. Andrews since 1993, after another couple invited us to attend a service. The church we were currently attending started moving towards a "seeker church" model. We didn't feel like we were getting spiritually fed by the preaching.

We like our current church because of its strong Biblical teaching and the more traditional format (choir instead of praise band). The preaching challenges us spiritually and gives us "meat" to grow. Also, my wife grew up in the Presbyterian church, so it was familiar ground for her. I did not grow up with a religious background.

 

[For Honor]

Wow, I already subscribed to this thread.

I like hearing what married couples have to say, because I sort of want to be like that myself, ideally. I know I'm still a kid, but at the same time, I'm glad I know what I want.


First of, congratulations.
15 years.... I really hope things keep going for you.
You sound like someone who is capable of being in a long term marriage like that. Best of luck



I'm happy because a lot of what I had in mind about marriage and it's success is confirmed in what you have said so far. But I also know that I have a lot to learn, and even if you know a lot, it will take something special for it to actually work.



I have so many questions!
I don't know where to start...


Okay, how about this.....


What do you think is the most important thing when it comes to picking someone to marry? I know communication, but do you have any other reccomendations or signs to look for?


There's one person in my life that I get a really .... unique vibe from...... but more on that later




congrats!

 

[learn2kneel]

I am currently an elder at St. Andrews Presbyterian Church.

Yeah for Presbyterians, my dad is a presbyterian minister. Is your church PCA?

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

Something else that popped into my head:

I'm sure you and your wife have had quite a good number of disagreements/arguments/what have you over the years...did you immediately find a way to work through them at the beginning of your relationship, or did it take a while before you found the best way to solve the problem at hand? And does the solution differ depending on the disagreement (you handle the more major disagreements differently from the minor ones, for example)? And are there any arguments you wish you'd handled better?

Angela

 

[BlueStar]

Congrats!!

I've been married almost 10 months now. If you could give newlyweds just one piece of advice, what would it be?

 

[foray]

Do you have a rule about keeping/not keeping confidants that are of the opposite sex? Eg. you shouldn't confide private/intimate details of your marriage (problems) to another woman, even though you are platonic friends...

Cos I know one married couple like that. Their marriage seems to bloom, but it was detrimental to my friendship with the man.

foray

 

[Angela Harlem]

This might be a question you dont wish to answer, so please say so if you would rather not, but how did your lack of religion fare in the early days? Your wife sounds like a very dedicated lady with her (and now your) church and if I can leap to a grand assumption it seems that she would have been searching for a partner with something similar in their life - which, if I may assume again, it seemed early on, you didn't quite have. At all.

I think my questions have a few parts. Did she influence you directly or indirectly to seek such a religious belief? Would your relationship have survived if you hadn't found a similar path? And for you personally, do you feel you would have found this path without your wife being in your life at any stage of the relationship?

 

[nbcrusader]

Do you have a rule about keeping/not keeping confidants that are of the opposite sex? Eg. you shouldn't confide private/intimate details of your marriage (problems) to another woman, even though you are platonic friends...

I probably wouldn't confide private/intimate details of our marriage to just about anyone, save a very close personal friend (who is male). I guess I don't need a rule regarding the opposite sex as I haven't/wouldn't develop such a close relationship.

While I have many friends who are women, I would not spend time with them outside a group setting. I want to avoid any appearance of improper behavior - even if I know nothing improper is happening, I don't want to give someone else the opportunity to be suspicious.

 

[nbcrusader]

What do you think is the most important thing when it comes to picking someone to marry? I know communication, but do you have any other reccomendations or signs to look for?

Wow! The million dollar question.

I'd say a spouse is a partner, lover and friend. Think of the three aspects of love - eros, philia and agape. That is erotic love, brotherly love and sacrificial love. If all three are present, I'd say you are in good shape.

 

[nbcrusader]

Yeah for Presbyterians, my dad is a presbyterian minister. Is your church PCA?

PCUSA

 

[nbcrusader]

I'm sure you and your wife have had quite a good number of disagreements/arguments/what have you over the years...did you immediately find a way to work through them at the beginning of your relationship, or did it take a while before you found the best way to solve the problem at hand? And does the solution differ depending on the disagreement (you handle the more major disagreements differently from the minor ones, for example)? And are there any arguments you wish you'd handled better?

Solving problems varies greatly. Some have been worked out over the course of years, while others are solved in a day.

Part of solving a problem is learning how your mate solves problems. I tend to think through to a logical conclusion and expect a problem to be solved. My wife works through it differently, addressing emotional aspects that my logic skips.

Of course, there have been problems we wished we had addressed/resolved much earlier. But we both see the marriage getting better every day and avoid digging up old garbage.

 

[nbcrusader]

I've been married almost 10 months now. If you could give newlyweds just one piece of advice, what would it be?

Despite the romantic notion of the "honeymoon year" the first year of marriage is the toughest.

Keep talking, keep listening, and look forward to the relationship getting better every day.

 

[nbcrusader]

Angela Harlem - I am running out the door to a meeting, but I want to address all parts of your question (and yes, I am happy to answer)

See you soon.

 

[Irvine511]

I probably wouldn't confide private/intimate details of our marriage to just about anyone, save a very close personal friend (who is male). I guess I don't need a rule regarding the opposite sex as I haven't/wouldn't develop such a close relationship.

While I have many friends who are women, I would not spend time with them outside a group setting. I want to avoid any appearance of improper behavior - even if I know nothing improper is happening, I don't want to give someone else the opportunity to be suspicious.

why wouldn't you want to develop a close relationship with another woman? it sounds like, from your description, you're more worried about the appearance of impropriety as opposed to the possible benefits of having a close friend of the opposite gender. in my experience -- though i'm kind of a wild card these days -- having close opposite-gender friends is a great way to help you through rough patches with your partner/spouse as they can provide valuable insight.

just a thought ... it's interesting, with my straight friends (almost all my friends are straight), the men come to me with romance/dating questions, and the women come to me with sex questions.

anyway ... if the appearance of impropriety is important, could you see yourself developing a close friendship with a lesbian?



(sort of kidding, sort of serious)

 

[pax]

Do you believe in taking a night to sleep on problems or angry, or do you believe in staying up and fighting/discussing until you reach a solution? I'm from the latter camp and wouldn't have it any other way, but I'm interested to know if there are people who can "sleep on" being pissed off.

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

Solving problems varies greatly. Some have been worked out over the course of years, while others are solved in a day.

What kinds have been solved over the years, and what kinds have been solved in a day (I'd assume the simpler ones would take a day or so?)?

Originally posted by nbcrusader
Part of solving a problem is learning how your mate solves problems. I tend to think through to a logical conclusion and expect a problem to be solved. My wife works through it differently, addressing emotional aspects that my logic skips.

Ah, okay. That certainly makes sense. That advice would work with not only significant others, but friends and family, too, so that's a good thing to point out.

Originally posted by nbcrusader
Of course, there have been problems we wished we had addressed/resolved much earlier. But we both see the marriage getting better every day and avoid digging up old garbage.

Good to avoid that-I've seen what happens to people who can't let go of the past. They're not very happy together. Best thing to do is just learn from any mistakes made and move on.

Angela

 

[Macfistowannabe]

why wouldn't you want to develop a close relationship with another woman? it sounds like, from your description, you're more worried about the appearance of impropriety as opposed to the possible benefits of having a close friend of the opposite gender. in my experience -- though i'm kind of a wild card these days -- having close opposite-gender friends is a great way to help you through rough patches with your partner/spouse as they can provide valuable insight.

This is interesting. Personally, I would want to better my friendships with females in general because I see it as a way to improve relationships, although I think my fiance would be very uncomfortable with the idea.

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

Personally, I would want to better my friendships with females in general because I see it as a way to improve relationships

Yeah. You've got people of the opposite sex who understand why your fiance/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend act the way they do, so they can help you should you ever need advice on your relationship. Can't see a downside there (unless, of course, someone gives bad advice...).

Angela

 

[nbcrusader]

This might be a question you dont wish to answer, so please say so if you would rather not, but how did your lack of religion fare in the early days? Your wife sounds like a very dedicated lady with her (and now your) church and if I can leap to a grand assumption it seems that she would have been searching for a partner with something similar in their life - which, if I may assume again, it seemed early on, you didn't quite have. At all.

I think my questions have a few parts. Did she influence you directly or indirectly to seek such a religious belief? Would your relationship have survived if you hadn't found a similar path? And for you personally, do you feel you would have found this path without your wife being in your life at any stage of the relationship?

My lack of religion (and it was a complete lack of religion – I attended a Catholic High School and had read through the entire Bible, but it had no meaning to me) did not have a significant impact during our early days of dating, primarily because we were just friends (there was no indication that things would go any further). I guess it became an issue once I started law school (I stayed at USC instead of going to Duke (on the East Coast of the US)). The logical extension of our relationship was that we would eventually get married. She really wasn't searching for a guy to marry (thus focusing on the religion issue), but the relationship progressed to the point where it became an issue. Thus came the fateful day when she had to break off the relationship. It was very difficult, as you can imagine, on both of us.

When we broke up, the last thing she wanted to do was have me become a Christian so we could be together. She told me that directly. My faith was not to be something acquired so I could get more of what I wanted. We were apart for over two years.

At some point during that time, all the anger I felt (toward her, toward life, toward God) simply disappeared. I wish I had kept a journal to remember the exact Scripture where God told me “you know, I still love you.” I started going to a church in Pasadena where things all fell into place. All the things I remember reading in high school came alive with new meaning. Very interesting, the day before I was baptized, my wife called me. She had felt the need to call me but didn’t know why. When I told her I was going to be baptized, she was speechless. But we did not get back together then (it was probably another year or so).

I’m not sure our relationship would have survived if I had not come to faith. I was fairly prideful and arrogant back then, thinking I could accomplish and deserved whatever I wanted. I would have put too much of a division in our lives – me living a secular life and she living one of faith.

Would I have come to faith a different way? That’s really hard to say. I think God sometimes gets our attention by stripping away all of the worldly things that convince us we don’t need God. If it had not happened then, it would have happened eventually.

 

[nbcrusader]

why wouldn't you want to develop a close relationship with another woman? it sounds like, from your description, you're more worried about the appearance of impropriety as opposed to the possible benefits of having a close friend of the opposite gender. in my experience -- though i'm kind of a wild card these days -- having close opposite-gender friends is a great way to help you through rough patches with your partner/spouse as they can provide valuable insight.

I have a number of married women friends, but I guess I haven't tried to develop such a close relationship that I would talk to them about things instead of my wife.

I take the appearance of impropriety seriously. When I started my current job, I sat down with my paralegal (an attractive women about 8 years my junior) and told her that I would not meet with her behind closed doors (unless there was a window to the rest of the office) or go to lunch with her alone. She appreciated my stance and we have become the best of friends (in fact, she and my wife get along great as well).

I guess I have learned many things from my married women friends and I see how a close women friend would be a good sounding board, but I've just not gotten that close nor have I brought up subjects that I would only bring up with my wife.

 

[nbcrusader]

Do you believe in taking a night to sleep on problems or angry, or do you believe in staying up and fighting/discussing until you reach a solution? I'm from the latter camp and wouldn't have it any other way, but I'm interested to know if there are people who can "sleep on" being pissed off.

I agree with you.

Going to sleep angry = wake up tired, grumpy and angry

Going to sleep after you work it out = wake up tired (and perhaps relaxed if you really worked it out )


I think sometimes people go to sleep angry as a "negotiating move" (i.e., the cold shoulder) with the idea that maybe the other person will just give in on the point. Same thing with "storming out of the house". It may make one feel better for the moment, but doesn't resolve anything and perhaps makes it worse.

 

[nbcrusader]

What kinds have been solved over the years, and what kinds have been solved in a day (I'd assume the simpler ones would take a day or so?)?

The "problems" that were solved over time were big picture issues: finances and sex. Getting on the same page with a budget and bedroom expectations takes time and usually are comprised of many sub issues that are dealt with at different times.

Smaller issues may deal with things related to the kids, the house, vacations, etc. Those can be worked though in a relatively short period of time.

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

The "problems" that were solved over time were big picture issues: finances and sex. Getting on the same page with a budget and bedroom expectations takes time and usually are comprised of many sub issues that are dealt with at different times.

Smaller issues may deal with things related to the kids, the house, vacations, etc. Those can be worked though in a relatively short period of time.

Okay. I had a feeling it was something like that, but every couple deals with things differently, so I was just curious. Thanks for answering .

Angela